I feel like the Prodigal Son somehow!
I promised myself I would not ever as long as I lived return to work at any mall, I thought 5 years was more than enough and I was quite done with it. I was so, so, so far away from the truth it hurts.
When I came back from Africa I really thought my life was going to suffer major changes, and oh man it did, just not in the way I expected. I nailed a nine to five job, weekends off, I moved houses, I was in a new relationship and as it seems I was blind too because no matter how the truth danced in front of my eyes I just kind of ignored it. Some things can't be ignored that easily.
My nine to five job was amazing in terms of what I did, I dealt with people and like I have said before I loved it, but it turned out crap in the people I work with area, so of course I knew I would not stay there forever, my house was nice while it lasted, but with no house mate anymore there is no way I will ever be able to afford my apartment and my relationship... Well that's a stand-by right now.
To be really honest all I wanted to do was pack my bags and leave, and I am woman enough to do that I had the money for a ticket somewhere, but I decided I was going to be responsible and stay and eat up this crumbled cookie that is my life right now.
I know it seems I am a crumbled cookie a lot of times, I have a tendency to be a crumbled cookie I guess that is how I learn and it all comes from being stubborn and hard headed about my decisions. I have tried to get better, to be more submissive and listening, but I suck at it big, big time.
So I went back to the mall and begged, literally begged for my job back. Talk about humble pie!!!!
I got it back! So that is why I feel like the prodigal son today.
I guess it is a new lesson I learned the hard way.
Let's see where this journey is going to take me.
Pray I find a new house, that things get fixed and relationships healed...
Much Love.
Te
Friday, November 6, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Sometimes
Sometimes the world is upside down, and all I see is walls around.
Sometimes hope goes on a way, but finds you on some other place,
And sometimes I feel so blue, I'd make the blueberry boo.
For most times I get so lost, I honestly lose all trust,
But when I look around and get to feel the solid ground, right under my feet,
The world somehow, starts to make sense,I let happiness take a chance...
Soon, before I know, my heart just overflows, with music and cheer,
Dance erupts from within and I sing songs and I sing hymns...
Sometimes joy is a decision and hope your very mission,
So don't give up just yet...
Give your soul another chance:
To Hope,
To Love,
To Dance,
To Learn,
Because sometimes that's all it takes, for your self to be reborn....
Sometimes hope goes on a way, but finds you on some other place,
And sometimes I feel so blue, I'd make the blueberry boo.
For most times I get so lost, I honestly lose all trust,
But when I look around and get to feel the solid ground, right under my feet,
The world somehow, starts to make sense,I let happiness take a chance...
Soon, before I know, my heart just overflows, with music and cheer,
Dance erupts from within and I sing songs and I sing hymns...
Sometimes joy is a decision and hope your very mission,
So don't give up just yet...
Give your soul another chance:
To Hope,
To Love,
To Dance,
To Learn,
Because sometimes that's all it takes, for your self to be reborn....
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Ready or Not Here I come!
I was talking to my sister today, really pouring my heart out on how uncentered I have felt for the past few months, and we came to the conclusion I am in need of a new adventure.
I have pretty much felt uncentered since I came back from Africa. It is a feeling of being lost inside myself. Coming back sure was not easy, getting used the craziness again was the weirdest thing.I felt like I did not belong to this anymore, I had fallen in love with another country, another culture and my culture was now strange to me.
It sounds dumb, but it's true.
I thought I would fix my mess with a new job, and a new relationship, and a new house and a new everything. I was wrong! I did not fix anything, I created a rollercoaster and the rollercoaster is making me sick.
Most times I feel really lonely in the middle of the mess, and I feel like I want to cry and I terribly miss my mom, actually miss my family and all I want to do is to run home. Now there is no home to run to, there's only friends and pretend families and I love them to pieces, but it is not the same.
Some people feel that having security and stability in their lives is what they need to fix the mess, the rollercoaster...I go on what I call adventures!
Adventures fix me inside, because I get to see life and people in a whole different perspective, I am shaped by those experiences and I learn so much more than I ever would at work or school.
Besides adventures make me happy, they bring joy to my life, I find I can adapt better to a new scenario than to stay the same.
My feeling of not having a center has a lot to do with the fact that I have found it really hard to see my Mr. God in the places where I have been. When you can´t see God, feel God, turn to God in times of happiness and sadness you are easily thrown into confusion and chaos. All you can do at moments like that is to not let go, never let go and God will come rescue you if you keep on fighting.
I want my center back and I want my life changed, it has been a lot farther away than it is right now.
Broken hearts, and crappy jobs, fake people and a terrible feeling of loss can actually be a miracle on your way to bigger, better, most amazing things than you could have possibly imagined.
I hate the mess right now, I hate crying so many times and be thrown on my knees so many times, I hate believing and then being betrayed, I hate putting my heart out there and then get it trampled by people I was sure loved me, I hate the rollercoaster, but even I have to admit it's necessary.
I am being shaped, I am a little closer to that which I am supposed to be.
That's what keeps me going, that's what makes me not want to give up, that is exactly way I love my God even when I can honestly tell the world He is not my center right now, because He won't give up on me, and neither will I.
Maybe my adventure right now is not so much go away and travel the world, but stay here and regain my center, maybe the changes are little, but here or in me.
Maybe in the midst of it all the bigger adventure is to learn how to let go and give it all to whom can fix it instead of holding it all in and playing God.
Maybe my big adventure is to find me...here!
And that is pretty crazy:D
I have pretty much felt uncentered since I came back from Africa. It is a feeling of being lost inside myself. Coming back sure was not easy, getting used the craziness again was the weirdest thing.I felt like I did not belong to this anymore, I had fallen in love with another country, another culture and my culture was now strange to me.
It sounds dumb, but it's true.
I thought I would fix my mess with a new job, and a new relationship, and a new house and a new everything. I was wrong! I did not fix anything, I created a rollercoaster and the rollercoaster is making me sick.
Most times I feel really lonely in the middle of the mess, and I feel like I want to cry and I terribly miss my mom, actually miss my family and all I want to do is to run home. Now there is no home to run to, there's only friends and pretend families and I love them to pieces, but it is not the same.
Some people feel that having security and stability in their lives is what they need to fix the mess, the rollercoaster...I go on what I call adventures!
Adventures fix me inside, because I get to see life and people in a whole different perspective, I am shaped by those experiences and I learn so much more than I ever would at work or school.
Besides adventures make me happy, they bring joy to my life, I find I can adapt better to a new scenario than to stay the same.
My feeling of not having a center has a lot to do with the fact that I have found it really hard to see my Mr. God in the places where I have been. When you can´t see God, feel God, turn to God in times of happiness and sadness you are easily thrown into confusion and chaos. All you can do at moments like that is to not let go, never let go and God will come rescue you if you keep on fighting.
I want my center back and I want my life changed, it has been a lot farther away than it is right now.
Broken hearts, and crappy jobs, fake people and a terrible feeling of loss can actually be a miracle on your way to bigger, better, most amazing things than you could have possibly imagined.
I hate the mess right now, I hate crying so many times and be thrown on my knees so many times, I hate believing and then being betrayed, I hate putting my heart out there and then get it trampled by people I was sure loved me, I hate the rollercoaster, but even I have to admit it's necessary.
I am being shaped, I am a little closer to that which I am supposed to be.
That's what keeps me going, that's what makes me not want to give up, that is exactly way I love my God even when I can honestly tell the world He is not my center right now, because He won't give up on me, and neither will I.
Maybe my adventure right now is not so much go away and travel the world, but stay here and regain my center, maybe the changes are little, but here or in me.
Maybe in the midst of it all the bigger adventure is to learn how to let go and give it all to whom can fix it instead of holding it all in and playing God.
Maybe my big adventure is to find me...here!
And that is pretty crazy:D
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Hard Times
Once every blue moon you are bound to deal with the ghosts of the past that haunt you in some manner and sometimes you won't be ready for it.
I haven't really dealt or even thought about death, pretty much since my mother passed away(I really hate this word, it feels like one is sugarcoating reality).
It is not really one of those subjects one likes to dwell upon. Yes I tend to be a little morbid at times, or throw a morbid joke here and there or have to mention my mom's death to someone, but on the latter I try to do it in a matter of fact way so no one feels uncomfortable, actually I think sometimes I make people too comfortable to talk about my mother's death around me.
My mom was sick, and had been sick for quite a while, and I guess I somehow was aware of it, just didn't want to admit to the hard truth, so I lived in this denial state for a whole year. I lived thinking she would get better, even when I saw my mom cry in pain and despair I wanted to believe so hard that she would get better, that she would become her normal self again. Cancer in not a merciful dicease.
I received the dreadful call, and even tough they would not tell me I informed my grandmother of the facts till, that's when I heard my dad start crying. I will never in my life for as long as I live forget that feeling, it was like I was levitating out of my body, watching all from the outside in. I guess I was in shock!
I was so angry, so sad, so numb all at the same time I ran into my mom's room and locked myself in there, in the dark and the silence, amongst her things whispering to myself it had been a big mistake, that the hospital was gonna call and apologize and we would all laugh about it later...The hospital never called again and the hard truth had to settle and I was the only one not prepared from our family for it. So I did what I do best when stressed,I worked...
I worked my ass off...I focused so hard on the funeral I did not let anyone do anything, not that anyone in our family, prepared or not could do anything. The others were prepared but the sadness was to overwhelming for them, I on the contrary can be very practical when I have to be and as long as I pretended it was not my mother's funeral, I could do it all. I called the hospital, I called family and friends, I arranged for the flowers, the clothes my mom would wear, her casket, everything. It is not something one can brag of, not like you can say "I threw the best funeral ever for my mom you know?" you just do what you have to do...period. That was not the difficult part, that was the easy part, I like the matter-of- fact stuff.
The worst part was when people started arriving. I guess most people feel awkward at funerals, but some people can really be stupid.Asking how are you doing to the 16 year old girl who just lost her mom is not ok, unless you enjoy getting a rude answer. Coming to a funeral when everyone knows you disliked the person who passed is another no-no, unless you enjoy being beaten up. Throwing a crying fit is not ok either unless you are family! These are all good examples of what could set someone who just lost someone anger off.
Since my mom's funeral I have been more aware of this and have undersood that actions, not words can make the difference.
I still have a little note my friend Jesse gave me at my mom's funeral, simple and sweet and at the moment when all around me was just a mess, his note made me feel loved and somehow understood even though he had written that he couldn't possibly know how I was feeling, it made a difference that day, it made a difference to me.
Death is part of life, throughout life I am sure I will attend many more Funerals from dear ones, to complete strangers and I have decided I want to be the one who cares enough not to overwhelm, to be there, to love.
All this brings me to the ghosts of the past because yesterday I had to attend a wake for my friend´s dad who has passed away and like I said I was not ready for them. When I was told he had passed away I was flooded with them ghosts and memories and I knew exactly how my friend was feeling and I knew nothing I said or did, or anyone for that matter would make her pain less. Actually in these moments you do not want your pain lessened, you want to feel everything, because feeling that pain is all you have to hold on to that person who has left you...it's like holding on to a balloon that the wind is pulling away.
When I saw her it broke my heart, because since I already know how it feels I would gladly change places with her, but that wouln't really be being her friend. As a friend you cant't take away the pain, all you can really do is love.
I did not enjoy thinking about the past, but I was glad I went even if it was just to give her a hug, even for just a few minutes,even if I was feeling so impotent. I was glad I was there with her, because showing you care makes the difference, it made for me.
Death is not pleasant, but even from it you gain valuable Life lessons...isn't it ironic????
I haven't really dealt or even thought about death, pretty much since my mother passed away(I really hate this word, it feels like one is sugarcoating reality).
It is not really one of those subjects one likes to dwell upon. Yes I tend to be a little morbid at times, or throw a morbid joke here and there or have to mention my mom's death to someone, but on the latter I try to do it in a matter of fact way so no one feels uncomfortable, actually I think sometimes I make people too comfortable to talk about my mother's death around me.
My mom was sick, and had been sick for quite a while, and I guess I somehow was aware of it, just didn't want to admit to the hard truth, so I lived in this denial state for a whole year. I lived thinking she would get better, even when I saw my mom cry in pain and despair I wanted to believe so hard that she would get better, that she would become her normal self again. Cancer in not a merciful dicease.
I received the dreadful call, and even tough they would not tell me I informed my grandmother of the facts till, that's when I heard my dad start crying. I will never in my life for as long as I live forget that feeling, it was like I was levitating out of my body, watching all from the outside in. I guess I was in shock!
I was so angry, so sad, so numb all at the same time I ran into my mom's room and locked myself in there, in the dark and the silence, amongst her things whispering to myself it had been a big mistake, that the hospital was gonna call and apologize and we would all laugh about it later...The hospital never called again and the hard truth had to settle and I was the only one not prepared from our family for it. So I did what I do best when stressed,I worked...
I worked my ass off...I focused so hard on the funeral I did not let anyone do anything, not that anyone in our family, prepared or not could do anything. The others were prepared but the sadness was to overwhelming for them, I on the contrary can be very practical when I have to be and as long as I pretended it was not my mother's funeral, I could do it all. I called the hospital, I called family and friends, I arranged for the flowers, the clothes my mom would wear, her casket, everything. It is not something one can brag of, not like you can say "I threw the best funeral ever for my mom you know?" you just do what you have to do...period. That was not the difficult part, that was the easy part, I like the matter-of- fact stuff.
The worst part was when people started arriving. I guess most people feel awkward at funerals, but some people can really be stupid.Asking how are you doing to the 16 year old girl who just lost her mom is not ok, unless you enjoy getting a rude answer. Coming to a funeral when everyone knows you disliked the person who passed is another no-no, unless you enjoy being beaten up. Throwing a crying fit is not ok either unless you are family! These are all good examples of what could set someone who just lost someone anger off.
Since my mom's funeral I have been more aware of this and have undersood that actions, not words can make the difference.
I still have a little note my friend Jesse gave me at my mom's funeral, simple and sweet and at the moment when all around me was just a mess, his note made me feel loved and somehow understood even though he had written that he couldn't possibly know how I was feeling, it made a difference that day, it made a difference to me.
Death is part of life, throughout life I am sure I will attend many more Funerals from dear ones, to complete strangers and I have decided I want to be the one who cares enough not to overwhelm, to be there, to love.
All this brings me to the ghosts of the past because yesterday I had to attend a wake for my friend´s dad who has passed away and like I said I was not ready for them. When I was told he had passed away I was flooded with them ghosts and memories and I knew exactly how my friend was feeling and I knew nothing I said or did, or anyone for that matter would make her pain less. Actually in these moments you do not want your pain lessened, you want to feel everything, because feeling that pain is all you have to hold on to that person who has left you...it's like holding on to a balloon that the wind is pulling away.
When I saw her it broke my heart, because since I already know how it feels I would gladly change places with her, but that wouln't really be being her friend. As a friend you cant't take away the pain, all you can really do is love.
I did not enjoy thinking about the past, but I was glad I went even if it was just to give her a hug, even for just a few minutes,even if I was feeling so impotent. I was glad I was there with her, because showing you care makes the difference, it made for me.
Death is not pleasant, but even from it you gain valuable Life lessons...isn't it ironic????
Monday, October 12, 2009
Ai Ai Ai
"You laugh at me because I am different, I laugh at you because you are all the same!"
I like this sentence, I can't really remember where I read it but it brings solace to my soul.
Since I can remember I have heard comments like, "your a little weird!" or "something is missing in your mind!" and more, some not really nice and some from people I really liked. After a while you get used to it.
In a way that is the truth, I really am not quite like most of my friends, I have strange ideas, strange hobbies and some really strange hopes and dreams.
I can't count all the nights I spent discussing ways of creating a time machine, or the many many times I have had conversations with myself. I have fun!
I enjoy seeing things from a different perspective, most times the way "normal" people look at life bores me to death. I cannot believe people grow up and feel they are too old to wear the rainbow, or do a crazy hair do or even sing silly songs. It actually saddens me. I guess that is maybe one of the major reasons why I have always loved to teach the younger classes. I remember one of my students telling me how he was going to build a flying car and take me on a trip around the world. The amount of detail he put into it just made me so happy, I like kids who have an imagination, they can go anywhere, we had some really fun mornings drawing that car and talking about where we would go and what would we do. What kind of person would I be if I told him that was an impossible idea!!! So was the internet and see where we are today:P
The narrowminds of people nowdays astonishes me in such a way I literally sometimes cry over it.
I enjoy being "weird", whoever loves me, loves me anyway and whomsoever doesn't, tough cookie for them.
I like butterflies and fairies, pink, and bubbles and I like to play tag and jump on the trampoline,I like to dance in the rain and eat cotton candy oh yeah!!!!!!
And on the day that I start feeling "too old" to be a kid I hope some good friend will smack me across the face and challange me for a jump on the trampoline.
The world is already too full of seriousness, sadness and despair I won't join in it I will make merry and enjoy laughter while I can, because I doubt there is anything better in the world than a great laugh!!!!!
I like this sentence, I can't really remember where I read it but it brings solace to my soul.
Since I can remember I have heard comments like, "your a little weird!" or "something is missing in your mind!" and more, some not really nice and some from people I really liked. After a while you get used to it.
In a way that is the truth, I really am not quite like most of my friends, I have strange ideas, strange hobbies and some really strange hopes and dreams.
I can't count all the nights I spent discussing ways of creating a time machine, or the many many times I have had conversations with myself. I have fun!
I enjoy seeing things from a different perspective, most times the way "normal" people look at life bores me to death. I cannot believe people grow up and feel they are too old to wear the rainbow, or do a crazy hair do or even sing silly songs. It actually saddens me. I guess that is maybe one of the major reasons why I have always loved to teach the younger classes. I remember one of my students telling me how he was going to build a flying car and take me on a trip around the world. The amount of detail he put into it just made me so happy, I like kids who have an imagination, they can go anywhere, we had some really fun mornings drawing that car and talking about where we would go and what would we do. What kind of person would I be if I told him that was an impossible idea!!! So was the internet and see where we are today:P
The narrowminds of people nowdays astonishes me in such a way I literally sometimes cry over it.
I enjoy being "weird", whoever loves me, loves me anyway and whomsoever doesn't, tough cookie for them.
I like butterflies and fairies, pink, and bubbles and I like to play tag and jump on the trampoline,I like to dance in the rain and eat cotton candy oh yeah!!!!!!
And on the day that I start feeling "too old" to be a kid I hope some good friend will smack me across the face and challange me for a jump on the trampoline.
The world is already too full of seriousness, sadness and despair I won't join in it I will make merry and enjoy laughter while I can, because I doubt there is anything better in the world than a great laugh!!!!!
Friday, October 9, 2009
Friendship
I have been pondering on friendship for quite a while these past days. So much happening such, big changes, so I have to somehow digest all of this and the best way to do that is to sit on my washer that is right by my window while watching people go about their lives I ponder on mine.
You would think friendship would be easy to understand, easy to care for, easy to live with, but like almost everything that involves dealing with people it is not that simple. Long gone are the times I thought that friendships really did last forever as long as they were real. Believe me I learned that one the hard way.
I am not saying that change isn't sometimes...well...necessary, but there will be some attitudes that neither will I forget or understand.
On these past few months I have made new friends, become better friends with old friends and lost some friends(these being the friends I thought I would never lose).
I remember when my best friend went to Minnessota for a whole year, we were inseparable since I don't know when. Every single adventure, boy, fun time, sad moment, we lived it all together, I thought I would never survive without her. I did!
It was a year of tears and laughter and Skype conversations, but we made it and then in a jiffy she was back and it was awkward.
We were happy to see eachtoher and to be reunited, but it felt strange, different and we didn't really know how to readapt to eachother. On that one year she had lived innumerous things, seen different things that I wasn't a part of, and we grew two separate ways. I am not going to lie and say ti was ok, because it wasn't. It hurt me deeply and I remeber crying over it, thinking we would never be able to be best friends again. Quite pathethic when I actually think about it.
We are friends, we still share secrets and laughter, we yell at eachtoher when we have to and we still have sleepovers that are wild, but it is a calmer friendship, thats the best way I can describe it. I don't need to be around her all the time, or call her all the time to know that she is there and she loves me and I have a friend. I guess it is a grown up friendship!
I think that is a process, a good process, a growing process. It took time, faith and a lot of tears, some raw truth and a lot of love, but we managed and I doubt anything could ever break this bond, at least I hope and pray so. I don't take it for granted...
Now some friendships are not like this. There are some people in our lives that we think will never fail us..EVER...and then they do. Not necessarily fail you in the whole sense of the word, but fall short of your exepectations as friends.
~Maybe it was just too much work, maybe it was not worth it, maybe, maybe, maybe.
It hurts and it is a crappy feeling to have.
These kinds of friends, and people for that matter, make me sad, and I pity them. I am quite done with them when I sense this is what is happening.
There is only so much you can do on your side to make it work and thank God, friends are the one thing I am not lacking.
We move on and we let go and we learn a new lesson.
You would think friendship would be easy to understand, easy to care for, easy to live with, but like almost everything that involves dealing with people it is not that simple. Long gone are the times I thought that friendships really did last forever as long as they were real. Believe me I learned that one the hard way.
I am not saying that change isn't sometimes...well...necessary, but there will be some attitudes that neither will I forget or understand.
On these past few months I have made new friends, become better friends with old friends and lost some friends(these being the friends I thought I would never lose).
I remember when my best friend went to Minnessota for a whole year, we were inseparable since I don't know when. Every single adventure, boy, fun time, sad moment, we lived it all together, I thought I would never survive without her. I did!
It was a year of tears and laughter and Skype conversations, but we made it and then in a jiffy she was back and it was awkward.
We were happy to see eachtoher and to be reunited, but it felt strange, different and we didn't really know how to readapt to eachother. On that one year she had lived innumerous things, seen different things that I wasn't a part of, and we grew two separate ways. I am not going to lie and say ti was ok, because it wasn't. It hurt me deeply and I remeber crying over it, thinking we would never be able to be best friends again. Quite pathethic when I actually think about it.
We are friends, we still share secrets and laughter, we yell at eachtoher when we have to and we still have sleepovers that are wild, but it is a calmer friendship, thats the best way I can describe it. I don't need to be around her all the time, or call her all the time to know that she is there and she loves me and I have a friend. I guess it is a grown up friendship!
I think that is a process, a good process, a growing process. It took time, faith and a lot of tears, some raw truth and a lot of love, but we managed and I doubt anything could ever break this bond, at least I hope and pray so. I don't take it for granted...
Now some friendships are not like this. There are some people in our lives that we think will never fail us..EVER...and then they do. Not necessarily fail you in the whole sense of the word, but fall short of your exepectations as friends.
~Maybe it was just too much work, maybe it was not worth it, maybe, maybe, maybe.
It hurts and it is a crappy feeling to have.
These kinds of friends, and people for that matter, make me sad, and I pity them. I am quite done with them when I sense this is what is happening.
There is only so much you can do on your side to make it work and thank God, friends are the one thing I am not lacking.
We move on and we let go and we learn a new lesson.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Blue, Blue
I am blue right now. Very blue... I hate being blue, it does not suit me at all.
It is 6pm and I should be heading home, but I am still at my 9 to 5 work waiting for I am not exactly sure what. It has been quite a day, filled with laughter and also stress, some yelling and some of the old fashioned getting annoyed.
For some brief minutes today I actually thought it was about to change, but nah still stuck at the job, that I don't quite love, not so much because of the work in itself, but because of the people I work with. It saddens me to actually be part of the decaying of humanity. Oh well! It pays:S
I guess that is the reason why I am feeling blue, very, very blue.
It's hard to work with unprofessional people.
I'm tired.
:)
It is 6pm and I should be heading home, but I am still at my 9 to 5 work waiting for I am not exactly sure what. It has been quite a day, filled with laughter and also stress, some yelling and some of the old fashioned getting annoyed.
For some brief minutes today I actually thought it was about to change, but nah still stuck at the job, that I don't quite love, not so much because of the work in itself, but because of the people I work with. It saddens me to actually be part of the decaying of humanity. Oh well! It pays:S
I guess that is the reason why I am feeling blue, very, very blue.
It's hard to work with unprofessional people.
I'm tired.
:)
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Gone Quiet
I haven't posted anything on my blog for over a month and that's sad:(
I seriously had thought about taking it off line, but I have a really sweet boyfriend that even though he can't read what I write at all, said I shouldn't stop doing it if it makes me happy. It does! I just don't have time to focus on it and my life has been so crazy with work I rarely have anything to say besides work stuff and believe me, you do not want to hear about my work stories.
So you have a little glimpse of what I have been up to: My house is now looking more like MY house, I decided I wanted my books in the living room and that was a good idea because it made my living room look like someone actually lives there, I do need to elaborate on my book compilation though:P
Work..well work is work, some days are great, others I cry or get yelled at and then cry, but overall it's alright. I try not to think to much about it. I really hate my boss, he disgusts me to the innermost of my being, he is a despicable human being, he makes my skin crawl and though I do not wish for his sudden death, if by any chance something bad happens to him I will not feel sorry for him.
I miss Africa, but that is of common knowledge. My getaway are my beautiful pictures. At least when I am really frustrated I can always look at pictures and remember all my fun times.
Summer seem like it is going away which really makes me happy, because with the going to Africa and coming back in April I've had like 5 months of heat and I am tired of it.
Time flies!
This year to my sadness I won't be teaching at all. One of the reasons is, rules changed so I am not allowed and Second of all because of my lovely work. If there is a day I do leave at 6pm I wonder who died or what is about to happen, so yeah no teaching for me this year.
For those of you who read my last post, well it lasted 3 days. No complaining for 3 days and that was that, on the third day I got mad at something and my goodness went out of the window and I yelled and cried and complained and felt a lot better.
I am still trying to go to college and do my degree online, because that is really my only option at the moment, but it is all too expensive and bureaucracy kills me. Let's see how far and wide will they stretch my patience this time.
I guess you are preety into whats going on right now, there is not much more going on.
The high point of my week is that I am getting a new tattoo, some cherry blossoms to cover up an old scar on my wrist and my low point is all the laundry I have to do.
This has got to be the most boring post ever, but I am loving it, because I am writing as things are coming into mind and it is most likely that this will be all very confusing or bundled up, but oh well.
I have taken up writing journals again and that's the kind of journal writer I am.
I feel that up till December it will be a time of change and new beginnings and it is From now on till December I feel it will be a time of change and New Beginnings(am I ever gonna move on from that phrase)which makes my life a little scary and a little daring, so hopefully my posts will be a lot more interesting than they are right now.
We will see. I will try to write a lot more often, even if it's some kind of boring thing:P
Adiu
I seriously had thought about taking it off line, but I have a really sweet boyfriend that even though he can't read what I write at all, said I shouldn't stop doing it if it makes me happy. It does! I just don't have time to focus on it and my life has been so crazy with work I rarely have anything to say besides work stuff and believe me, you do not want to hear about my work stories.
So you have a little glimpse of what I have been up to: My house is now looking more like MY house, I decided I wanted my books in the living room and that was a good idea because it made my living room look like someone actually lives there, I do need to elaborate on my book compilation though:P
Work..well work is work, some days are great, others I cry or get yelled at and then cry, but overall it's alright. I try not to think to much about it. I really hate my boss, he disgusts me to the innermost of my being, he is a despicable human being, he makes my skin crawl and though I do not wish for his sudden death, if by any chance something bad happens to him I will not feel sorry for him.
I miss Africa, but that is of common knowledge. My getaway are my beautiful pictures. At least when I am really frustrated I can always look at pictures and remember all my fun times.
Summer seem like it is going away which really makes me happy, because with the going to Africa and coming back in April I've had like 5 months of heat and I am tired of it.
Time flies!
This year to my sadness I won't be teaching at all. One of the reasons is, rules changed so I am not allowed and Second of all because of my lovely work. If there is a day I do leave at 6pm I wonder who died or what is about to happen, so yeah no teaching for me this year.
For those of you who read my last post, well it lasted 3 days. No complaining for 3 days and that was that, on the third day I got mad at something and my goodness went out of the window and I yelled and cried and complained and felt a lot better.
I am still trying to go to college and do my degree online, because that is really my only option at the moment, but it is all too expensive and bureaucracy kills me. Let's see how far and wide will they stretch my patience this time.
I guess you are preety into whats going on right now, there is not much more going on.
The high point of my week is that I am getting a new tattoo, some cherry blossoms to cover up an old scar on my wrist and my low point is all the laundry I have to do.
This has got to be the most boring post ever, but I am loving it, because I am writing as things are coming into mind and it is most likely that this will be all very confusing or bundled up, but oh well.
I have taken up writing journals again and that's the kind of journal writer I am.
I feel that up till December it will be a time of change and new beginnings and it is From now on till December I feel it will be a time of change and New Beginnings(am I ever gonna move on from that phrase)which makes my life a little scary and a little daring, so hopefully my posts will be a lot more interesting than they are right now.
We will see. I will try to write a lot more often, even if it's some kind of boring thing:P
Adiu
Monday, August 3, 2009
A Week's Resolution:)
After a very interesting weekend I have come to a conclusion about me.
I am ALWAYS,but I mean ALWAYS , complaining about something. Either it's work that is annoying me, or other people, or myself, even just little things like if I don't get to buy those pants I really wanted because I do not have the money. I do not even bother to look upon the bright side of the situation, I just complain.
After this little, actually BIG defect of my personality being point out in more than one situation, byt a million different people I decided to act upon it.
It is not like I don't know it's there, because I do. It is more like, before I know it it's out and there is nothing I can do about it.
What triggered my whole thought process was when I went shopping with my friend and her 5 year old sister. Sarah is just the most amazing 5 year old girl I have met. She is really girly and sweet(when she wants to be), at first shy, but when she really gets to know you she is one chatterbox, and I love her. So we all went shopping together and none of us really has much money to spend. We love this time of the year because everything is on sale, and so we spent a lovely night at the mall laughing and trying on clothes. Sarah was really patient with us helping us pick out stuff to try on, making funny faces at some things she saw, a miniature Cathy(her sister). After we got really tired of looking at our clothes we took her to look at her section, she was thrilled and you could see how excited she was. By then I was having a hard time trying to decide what was it that I was going to take, because I knew there was no possible way that I could afford to take all I wanted.
My attitude was not the best I must say. I was plainly complaining under my breath. Sarah's eye caught the glimpse of this little pink jacket and she fell in love with it, she had this other stripes top in her hands and just like every child she ran to her sister asking her if she would buy it for her.
Cathy looked at her, in a big sisterly manner and told her she could take one, but only one, and so she had to choose between the two. Now must I remind you all she is five, only five years old. She stood silently looking at the two items for some time holding them in front of her. After maybe 5 minutes she hang the top ran over with the jacket in her hand yelling to her sister, "I want this one, I pick this one!!!!!".
I was a few meters back and had watched the whole scene and when I saw that little girl running to her sister telling her she had decided on that one my heart went cold, my guilt was immense and I even wanted to cry a little out of sadness and embarrassment. Sadness because I think that had go to be a hard decision for a five year old girl, and I think that being five and so completely aware of the world and the problems around you is tough, and embarrassed because I am 22 years old and I was having a bad, bad ,bad attitude about the whole thing.
That got my thought process going for a whole night, but by next morning I did not remember it too clearly because I was still complaining, until a friend pointed that out, which stopped me o my tracks and brought back the previous memories.
I have a hard time with the complaining, I always did, as far and wide as I can remember, I have been a complainer about some things. I remember my math teacher telling me that if I complained less and focused more I would finish my homework a lot quicker and would save him a lot of headache(I never really liked him very much anyway:P).
This week is my "I WILL BE SO CHEERFUL AND HAPPY IT WILL MAKE YOU SICK WEEK!!!!!!".
I do not by one minute mean that in a depreciating manner, I really mean it like I want it. I want to be really cheerful... So I have promised myself to not complain and actually keep a tab of the complaining, that will need a lot of work, and to work on my cheerfulness. I guess if I five year old can do it, so can I!
I will let you know how that worked out for me, because I really, really, REAAAALLLYYYY don't feel cheerful sometimes, or most times.
I love a good challenge:) and this one is a big one.
I am ALWAYS,but I mean ALWAYS , complaining about something. Either it's work that is annoying me, or other people, or myself, even just little things like if I don't get to buy those pants I really wanted because I do not have the money. I do not even bother to look upon the bright side of the situation, I just complain.
After this little, actually BIG defect of my personality being point out in more than one situation, byt a million different people I decided to act upon it.
It is not like I don't know it's there, because I do. It is more like, before I know it it's out and there is nothing I can do about it.
What triggered my whole thought process was when I went shopping with my friend and her 5 year old sister. Sarah is just the most amazing 5 year old girl I have met. She is really girly and sweet(when she wants to be), at first shy, but when she really gets to know you she is one chatterbox, and I love her. So we all went shopping together and none of us really has much money to spend. We love this time of the year because everything is on sale, and so we spent a lovely night at the mall laughing and trying on clothes. Sarah was really patient with us helping us pick out stuff to try on, making funny faces at some things she saw, a miniature Cathy(her sister). After we got really tired of looking at our clothes we took her to look at her section, she was thrilled and you could see how excited she was. By then I was having a hard time trying to decide what was it that I was going to take, because I knew there was no possible way that I could afford to take all I wanted.
My attitude was not the best I must say. I was plainly complaining under my breath. Sarah's eye caught the glimpse of this little pink jacket and she fell in love with it, she had this other stripes top in her hands and just like every child she ran to her sister asking her if she would buy it for her.
Cathy looked at her, in a big sisterly manner and told her she could take one, but only one, and so she had to choose between the two. Now must I remind you all she is five, only five years old. She stood silently looking at the two items for some time holding them in front of her. After maybe 5 minutes she hang the top ran over with the jacket in her hand yelling to her sister, "I want this one, I pick this one!!!!!".
I was a few meters back and had watched the whole scene and when I saw that little girl running to her sister telling her she had decided on that one my heart went cold, my guilt was immense and I even wanted to cry a little out of sadness and embarrassment. Sadness because I think that had go to be a hard decision for a five year old girl, and I think that being five and so completely aware of the world and the problems around you is tough, and embarrassed because I am 22 years old and I was having a bad, bad ,bad attitude about the whole thing.
That got my thought process going for a whole night, but by next morning I did not remember it too clearly because I was still complaining, until a friend pointed that out, which stopped me o my tracks and brought back the previous memories.
I have a hard time with the complaining, I always did, as far and wide as I can remember, I have been a complainer about some things. I remember my math teacher telling me that if I complained less and focused more I would finish my homework a lot quicker and would save him a lot of headache(I never really liked him very much anyway:P).
This week is my "I WILL BE SO CHEERFUL AND HAPPY IT WILL MAKE YOU SICK WEEK!!!!!!".
I do not by one minute mean that in a depreciating manner, I really mean it like I want it. I want to be really cheerful... So I have promised myself to not complain and actually keep a tab of the complaining, that will need a lot of work, and to work on my cheerfulness. I guess if I five year old can do it, so can I!
I will let you know how that worked out for me, because I really, really, REAAAALLLYYYY don't feel cheerful sometimes, or most times.
I love a good challenge:) and this one is a big one.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Life is just that... LIFE!
Long time and not one clarifying post about where I am right now.
Things these past few days have been crazy, sad, fun, and frustrating...Oh the paradox!!!
Things at work have been a little better, no one has yelled at me, I have managed to leave on time and all the little problems have been easily solved.
Now being me if one part is working some other part crumbles, so these past few days the work has been fine, but the personal life has crumbled.
Little piece on unasked advice, jealousy can rotten the most amazing relationship!
I am big on the crying scene if you know me. I hate the fighting, I hate the arguing I just cry and cry and that is exactly what I have been doing...CRY!
But, like C.S.Lewis wrote after all the crying there is this sudden peace as if nothing will ever happen again. I am the living proof of this quote.
From where I sit at work I look out this huge window. I can see outside, but the people outside can't see me, just their reflection. Every morning as I sit doing my work I see this elderly couple coming out of their house. She always wears a dress and a white hat, he always wears a cap and gray pants. You can see she has some difficulty walking, and he really is in no better shape than she is, but he still holds her arm and helps her. They walk around the block for a while go into the coffee shop and then return home. Sometimes if the day is quite warm as I am leaving work to go home I see them do the same thing. They have been my joy and hope, because every single day he is holding her hand and they walk around the block and they give a very unbelieving Tehur some hope that one day I will be the elderly lady leaning on my husband walking around the block.
Now you might be asking yourself what does that have to do with anything????
Well if I had thought about that image a few days ago I wouldn't have sent a very angry message, which would have saved me from a lot of hurt and crying.
If I had thought about my favorite elderly couple, patience would have come to mind. If I had remembered them, kindness would have settled in instead of anger, and love would have prevailed instead of lack of trust, but most important if i had remembered my elderly couple I would have had that image of leaning, would have thought about how much it takes to reach that point and instead of yelling I would have kissed and made up and patched the whole situation.
I'm the feisty kind though, and things didn't happen that way and if I were to be asked how much do I regret it, much, a whole lot, I do. I do because I knew better. I know it is not only my fault, it is a 2 way road, I should just have listened to the little voice telling me to love instead of wanting to hurt back.
Now I am stuck in that really nasty place where I do not know what to do. Apologizing would be the beginning, but I really do not know how to do that. I have my doubts an apology would even fix the whole thing. Promises are a dangerous ground to tread, they are never forgotten and if you ever break one it be a terrible place to be also.
So all I am armed with is love, just love and I do not even know the amount of power of love or what the heck am I supposed to do with it.
I know I must trust more, listen more, yell less and talk less, definitely talk less and Stop thinking I am the only one having a hard day around here. I am such a chatter box of complaint sometimes. I try real hard to be better at it but sometimes I just let it have the best of me.
Now what then???? I wait, wait and hope and pray my phone will ring, because I don't want to make things worse.
I look out at my elderly couple and imagine how was it 50 years back? Did they fight half at what I do? Was she a chatterbox like me? Was he jealous of her? Did she cry as much as me when he was mad at her?
I make up their youth conversations, the sweet words told, the pretty lines written on beautiful letters, the dreams shared of many years together the endless loving and caring for one another and all I can do is hope one day I will be the old lady with the hat with the flower patterned dress leaning on my once handsome husband talking about when we were young.
I gotta go work now,before I am caught writing here and then I will have to think about ugly things instead of lovee dovee stories up in me head.
Will post soon.
Tei
Things these past few days have been crazy, sad, fun, and frustrating...Oh the paradox!!!
Things at work have been a little better, no one has yelled at me, I have managed to leave on time and all the little problems have been easily solved.
Now being me if one part is working some other part crumbles, so these past few days the work has been fine, but the personal life has crumbled.
Little piece on unasked advice, jealousy can rotten the most amazing relationship!
I am big on the crying scene if you know me. I hate the fighting, I hate the arguing I just cry and cry and that is exactly what I have been doing...CRY!
But, like C.S.Lewis wrote after all the crying there is this sudden peace as if nothing will ever happen again. I am the living proof of this quote.
From where I sit at work I look out this huge window. I can see outside, but the people outside can't see me, just their reflection. Every morning as I sit doing my work I see this elderly couple coming out of their house. She always wears a dress and a white hat, he always wears a cap and gray pants. You can see she has some difficulty walking, and he really is in no better shape than she is, but he still holds her arm and helps her. They walk around the block for a while go into the coffee shop and then return home. Sometimes if the day is quite warm as I am leaving work to go home I see them do the same thing. They have been my joy and hope, because every single day he is holding her hand and they walk around the block and they give a very unbelieving Tehur some hope that one day I will be the elderly lady leaning on my husband walking around the block.
Now you might be asking yourself what does that have to do with anything????
Well if I had thought about that image a few days ago I wouldn't have sent a very angry message, which would have saved me from a lot of hurt and crying.
If I had thought about my favorite elderly couple, patience would have come to mind. If I had remembered them, kindness would have settled in instead of anger, and love would have prevailed instead of lack of trust, but most important if i had remembered my elderly couple I would have had that image of leaning, would have thought about how much it takes to reach that point and instead of yelling I would have kissed and made up and patched the whole situation.
I'm the feisty kind though, and things didn't happen that way and if I were to be asked how much do I regret it, much, a whole lot, I do. I do because I knew better. I know it is not only my fault, it is a 2 way road, I should just have listened to the little voice telling me to love instead of wanting to hurt back.
Now I am stuck in that really nasty place where I do not know what to do. Apologizing would be the beginning, but I really do not know how to do that. I have my doubts an apology would even fix the whole thing. Promises are a dangerous ground to tread, they are never forgotten and if you ever break one it be a terrible place to be also.
So all I am armed with is love, just love and I do not even know the amount of power of love or what the heck am I supposed to do with it.
I know I must trust more, listen more, yell less and talk less, definitely talk less and Stop thinking I am the only one having a hard day around here. I am such a chatter box of complaint sometimes. I try real hard to be better at it but sometimes I just let it have the best of me.
Now what then???? I wait, wait and hope and pray my phone will ring, because I don't want to make things worse.
I look out at my elderly couple and imagine how was it 50 years back? Did they fight half at what I do? Was she a chatterbox like me? Was he jealous of her? Did she cry as much as me when he was mad at her?
I make up their youth conversations, the sweet words told, the pretty lines written on beautiful letters, the dreams shared of many years together the endless loving and caring for one another and all I can do is hope one day I will be the old lady with the hat with the flower patterned dress leaning on my once handsome husband talking about when we were young.
I gotta go work now,before I am caught writing here and then I will have to think about ugly things instead of lovee dovee stories up in me head.
Will post soon.
Tei
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Love
Sometimes I think relationships are crap!!!!
They involve a superhuman amount of hard work, dedication, patience, and love, loads of it.
To be honest I have no idea about what one is supposed to do to make a relationship work?
How do you make it work when you feel like you just want to yell, and hit and throw sharp stuff at the other person?
How can you fix what is wrong when one does not speak, does not share what is going on in their heart.
How can you make it work when you are oversensitive and every single word feels like a knife?
But most of all how can you make it work when you are so scared of letting go and trusting it will be ok this time?
I dunno! I am not a master in this specific area.
But I would really like to know!
They involve a superhuman amount of hard work, dedication, patience, and love, loads of it.
To be honest I have no idea about what one is supposed to do to make a relationship work?
How do you make it work when you feel like you just want to yell, and hit and throw sharp stuff at the other person?
How can you fix what is wrong when one does not speak, does not share what is going on in their heart.
How can you make it work when you are oversensitive and every single word feels like a knife?
But most of all how can you make it work when you are so scared of letting go and trusting it will be ok this time?
I dunno! I am not a master in this specific area.
But I would really like to know!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Study for Nothing!!!
As it turns out I might not be able to do my Biology exam tomorrow, not just because I have not studied enough, or near enough, but because I won't be able to take the day off. I missed a couple of days at work because of some stuff and now it is pure chaos. So I am not too happy!
I am not too joyful this day and I am pretty sure I have waited long enough to be able to do this and once again I won't.
Good thing...I have a whole year to prepare.Bad thing, it is making me terribly unhappy!
That is life for you in a Jiffy!!!!
bye
Tei
I am not too joyful this day and I am pretty sure I have waited long enough to be able to do this and once again I won't.
Good thing...I have a whole year to prepare.Bad thing, it is making me terribly unhappy!
That is life for you in a Jiffy!!!!
bye
Tei
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Pondering
I am sitting on my desk with some 12 equipments of cable TV to check- in and all I can do is sit and stare.
After a night of no sleep, and you could think it would be for some great, or honorable reason, but it wasn't, it was just plain fear and anticipation of Today.
As I have been writing lately, my job despite the fact that I do most times like what I am doing, is also killing me, harming me, hurting me.
I am a very calm person about almost anything, I stress at times, but I do not recall ever having anxiety attacks over any specific situation, not up till now.
I have anxiety attacks almost every day.
Yesterday I asked for a day off because I had to go get signed up for the Portuguese Biology National Exam so I can apply to college in this country, I asked my dear Technical Director if he wanted me to still work from home as the technicians need a callback every hour and since it usually is my job I offered, he said yes, only so later he could call me, yelling at me and asking me why the heck did I take the phone.I wanted to tell him to go to hell and I mean it.
I spent a day of hell, stressing about work. Every time my friend called from work with a voice like the World was ending and would not tell me what was going on I stressed.
I stress because my Technical Director is the most unorganized person I have met, because he has me do things and then asks me why I did such thing. Because he is constantly wanting my full attention for his menial jobs(like getting coffee, or his lunch) instead of thinking about the million things I need to get done before six for him, me and the Commercial Director(yes I could not only have ONE boss), I hate the way he treats the handy man here at work like this man is a dog not a person, and I hate the way he sometimes treats me, like I have nothing else in my head besides air. I think I hate him! And in this case hate is so not a strong word.
So today, I had made up my mind about leaving this money hungry stall, but I got called by my PhD boss(Who drives a great car and tells me that if he could he would have me working here for no paycheck at all) that wanted to know why the heck did I want to leave the company, and so I told him, everything, and went cuckoo telling him the truth and he listened and was terribly sweet to me, telling me how important I am for this company. Exactly what I would say if I did not want to lose the receptionist/back office/personal assistant who gets a 600 euro paycheck(which is way underpaid for the job I am doing).
And so I sit, stare and ponder about all of this, wondering if all this stress is worth it, if getting sick again is worth it, for 600 euros and contemplating the possibility of losing all my pride and beg for my job at the mall back.
I need a job, but I do not need this kind of crap in my life. I am not like them women you see on TV who work at big companies and act all bitchy to other men and women who work with them, I do not have one ounce of that in me(I do not think I would even if I really wanted to) and to be honest I do not want to have it. I like being me, I like being able to think about so many other things besides making loads of money.
I have reached no exact conclusion!
So if you have an opinion about this I am more than willing to listen, or read about it.
Why can't life just be simple, like having a cup o chai and feeling the warm earth beneath my feet and this feeling of endless happiness burning in me for something so normal?
After a night of no sleep, and you could think it would be for some great, or honorable reason, but it wasn't, it was just plain fear and anticipation of Today.
As I have been writing lately, my job despite the fact that I do most times like what I am doing, is also killing me, harming me, hurting me.
I am a very calm person about almost anything, I stress at times, but I do not recall ever having anxiety attacks over any specific situation, not up till now.
I have anxiety attacks almost every day.
Yesterday I asked for a day off because I had to go get signed up for the Portuguese Biology National Exam so I can apply to college in this country, I asked my dear Technical Director if he wanted me to still work from home as the technicians need a callback every hour and since it usually is my job I offered, he said yes, only so later he could call me, yelling at me and asking me why the heck did I take the phone.I wanted to tell him to go to hell and I mean it.
I spent a day of hell, stressing about work. Every time my friend called from work with a voice like the World was ending and would not tell me what was going on I stressed.
I stress because my Technical Director is the most unorganized person I have met, because he has me do things and then asks me why I did such thing. Because he is constantly wanting my full attention for his menial jobs(like getting coffee, or his lunch) instead of thinking about the million things I need to get done before six for him, me and the Commercial Director(yes I could not only have ONE boss), I hate the way he treats the handy man here at work like this man is a dog not a person, and I hate the way he sometimes treats me, like I have nothing else in my head besides air. I think I hate him! And in this case hate is so not a strong word.
So today, I had made up my mind about leaving this money hungry stall, but I got called by my PhD boss(Who drives a great car and tells me that if he could he would have me working here for no paycheck at all) that wanted to know why the heck did I want to leave the company, and so I told him, everything, and went cuckoo telling him the truth and he listened and was terribly sweet to me, telling me how important I am for this company. Exactly what I would say if I did not want to lose the receptionist/back office/personal assistant who gets a 600 euro paycheck(which is way underpaid for the job I am doing).
And so I sit, stare and ponder about all of this, wondering if all this stress is worth it, if getting sick again is worth it, for 600 euros and contemplating the possibility of losing all my pride and beg for my job at the mall back.
I need a job, but I do not need this kind of crap in my life. I am not like them women you see on TV who work at big companies and act all bitchy to other men and women who work with them, I do not have one ounce of that in me(I do not think I would even if I really wanted to) and to be honest I do not want to have it. I like being me, I like being able to think about so many other things besides making loads of money.
I have reached no exact conclusion!
So if you have an opinion about this I am more than willing to listen, or read about it.
Why can't life just be simple, like having a cup o chai and feeling the warm earth beneath my feet and this feeling of endless happiness burning in me for something so normal?
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
I am Going to College!!!!!If it kills me!!!!!
After numerous breakdowns at work, tears, rage, and the fact that I practically am the slave around here I had a big wake up call.
The whole college situation has been in the back of my mind since I first got my HS diploma a year and a half ago. I wanted to go to college, for so many reasons:
A) I would be the only one out of my close family not to go.
B) My father would hold it against me(not that it really matters that he holds it against me, more that I would not have him throw that in my face years later)
C) Because I know that wherever my mother is, she is watching me and it would make her proud.
Yes, they are all reasons for other people, not exactly for me, but I also want to go, I like learning, I like knowing more, I enjoy school and the fact that with a diploma comes respect, the respect I at the moment lack because I do not have a college education. Even if I never get to use my degree I want to have it, so I get to yell at everyone and act snobbish because I have a college degree(just kidding).
Seriously now, I do not want to be a PA for the rest of my life, I do not want to make loads of money, I want to help people, have a small house in the middle of nowhere(preferably Africa), a ranch of kids yelling my name and a big huge swing out in ma yard. That's it!
In no place in my dream there is time for a stressful job, with money hungry people, that are all pretty much crazy and think that everyone else is too.
So I am going to college, no matter how hard I will have to work, how long I will have to stay up, how tough it might be I will not let it come in my way! I sound like a character from the braveheart movie.
I am pretty insane on my own I do not need anyone else's insanity to complete mine.
I have exactly 5 days to sign up for a Biology exam, get a tetanus shot, and study for the stupid exam so then I can apply to a college so I have an answer in October, it is not much time, but it is enough time. Enough time to change my life!
It is the time for change!
Oh I love life...at times!
The whole college situation has been in the back of my mind since I first got my HS diploma a year and a half ago. I wanted to go to college, for so many reasons:
A) I would be the only one out of my close family not to go.
B) My father would hold it against me(not that it really matters that he holds it against me, more that I would not have him throw that in my face years later)
C) Because I know that wherever my mother is, she is watching me and it would make her proud.
Yes, they are all reasons for other people, not exactly for me, but I also want to go, I like learning, I like knowing more, I enjoy school and the fact that with a diploma comes respect, the respect I at the moment lack because I do not have a college education. Even if I never get to use my degree I want to have it, so I get to yell at everyone and act snobbish because I have a college degree(just kidding).
Seriously now, I do not want to be a PA for the rest of my life, I do not want to make loads of money, I want to help people, have a small house in the middle of nowhere(preferably Africa), a ranch of kids yelling my name and a big huge swing out in ma yard. That's it!
In no place in my dream there is time for a stressful job, with money hungry people, that are all pretty much crazy and think that everyone else is too.
So I am going to college, no matter how hard I will have to work, how long I will have to stay up, how tough it might be I will not let it come in my way! I sound like a character from the braveheart movie.
I am pretty insane on my own I do not need anyone else's insanity to complete mine.
I have exactly 5 days to sign up for a Biology exam, get a tetanus shot, and study for the stupid exam so then I can apply to a college so I have an answer in October, it is not much time, but it is enough time. Enough time to change my life!
It is the time for change!
Oh I love life...at times!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
The Harming in Caring too Much!!!!
I had a whole different blog written to post here, really funny about my beach misfortune this past weekend, but I really do not want to post it because I am suffocating in my need of letting it all out somewhere, these feelings that are killing me.
It sounds really overwhelming, and overwhelmed indeed I feel.
I have known for t least five years that I get way too involved with my work, and when I say way to involved I really MEAN, way too involved, working on the weekends, never turning my phone off, dreaming and crying about it kind of involved.
If you looked at my paycheck you would not understand. To be quite honest I sometimes wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
I guess in a way my job gives me this drive, this kick, kind of like cocain, but not so totally devastating, not that I ever tried cocain, but I can imagine and I watch movies.
I tend to get really stressed out and when I stress I yell, and usually I yell at all the wrong people. I am not the kind of person that won't apologize if I know I was wrong, I do. I am human I mess up and I am also an adult so I should see when I have done wrong. What I cannot understand is how other people never seem able to understand that.
I certainly do not appreciate being told that my job consists of inserting data in a database,for various reasons.
1: That is not my job description.
2: The only reason why everything around the technical area doesn't crumble sometimes is because someone stays at the office till 12am finishing up.
3: I refuse to let someone bring me down and belittle me in that way no matter how much I like that person or not.
Yes because that is how I felt, belittled by that comment and I would much rather have been yelled at and called stupid than being told I do nothing all day.
That was not even the top of the iceberg the top of the iceberg is the inability of this person to apologize. That hurts!
I am not that sensitive about my job, I don't really care about what people think because I know how much I work for it to be done properly, on time, etc, but I am certainly not ready to be told I do nothing with a smile on my face and no comeback.
I am hurt,and I am sad and I hate fighting so I don't really know what to do and praying is not an option at the moment because I feel very unforgiving and to be honest I really don't want to forgive it just yet.
I am really trying to be the bigger person in trying to somehow understand the stubborn attitude, but I am having a hard time.
I am completely aware that my job is not as tiring as other jobs, or as stressing, but I am not happy that the way this was said was in the most condescending, patronizing, stubborn and rude away and still that that person thinks that they are entitled to still be mad at me for answering back.
I am sure I am not an easy person, I never said I was, that apologies should be avoided instead of given, but I am only human and at that point yesterday a very scared, annoyed, frustrated and lonely person.
I still haven't really figured out if I am only, just hurt or if I am angry AND hurt. Because the combination of the latter would be explosive.
I am a very proud person, my worst defect, and if I have to I can also be mean(which totally shows my level of maturity at this specific time, about this specific issue), but I am just so overwhelmed right now and I really hate the fact that I suck at arguing. I hate arguing because it comes to a time that no matter how right I am I stop having comebacks and I just blank stare the person down go off to lala land and nod to the annoying beast in front of me.
Today basically my day has been crappy. I have really nothing to work on(amazingly so), what I have to do I don't want to do and could not care less about it, and I am just feeling really sick over the above described situation and like I could really smack that person. My thoughts are very dark right now, ideas of office scissors and banging my head on my desk are filling my brain, any valid excuse to go home, better involving some kind of bleeding injury to be more convincing( another meter of my level of maturity at the moment)and the worst part is I am pretty sure I could/would/might do it if I knew I would not end up fired.
Well I hope you are not yet thinking I am freak, or that I need to be institutionalized(but any place you have 3 meals a day, get to read and do pretty much whatever as long as you are calm and you don't have to pay for it, sounds like a better plan than my life at this exact point).
More updates soon and if not it is probably due to some form of amnesia, a consequence of banging my head against a hard surface.
have a better day than me!!!!
Tei
It sounds really overwhelming, and overwhelmed indeed I feel.
I have known for t least five years that I get way too involved with my work, and when I say way to involved I really MEAN, way too involved, working on the weekends, never turning my phone off, dreaming and crying about it kind of involved.
If you looked at my paycheck you would not understand. To be quite honest I sometimes wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
I guess in a way my job gives me this drive, this kick, kind of like cocain, but not so totally devastating, not that I ever tried cocain, but I can imagine and I watch movies.
I tend to get really stressed out and when I stress I yell, and usually I yell at all the wrong people. I am not the kind of person that won't apologize if I know I was wrong, I do. I am human I mess up and I am also an adult so I should see when I have done wrong. What I cannot understand is how other people never seem able to understand that.
I certainly do not appreciate being told that my job consists of inserting data in a database,for various reasons.
1: That is not my job description.
2: The only reason why everything around the technical area doesn't crumble sometimes is because someone stays at the office till 12am finishing up.
3: I refuse to let someone bring me down and belittle me in that way no matter how much I like that person or not.
Yes because that is how I felt, belittled by that comment and I would much rather have been yelled at and called stupid than being told I do nothing all day.
That was not even the top of the iceberg the top of the iceberg is the inability of this person to apologize. That hurts!
I am not that sensitive about my job, I don't really care about what people think because I know how much I work for it to be done properly, on time, etc, but I am certainly not ready to be told I do nothing with a smile on my face and no comeback.
I am hurt,and I am sad and I hate fighting so I don't really know what to do and praying is not an option at the moment because I feel very unforgiving and to be honest I really don't want to forgive it just yet.
I am really trying to be the bigger person in trying to somehow understand the stubborn attitude, but I am having a hard time.
I am completely aware that my job is not as tiring as other jobs, or as stressing, but I am not happy that the way this was said was in the most condescending, patronizing, stubborn and rude away and still that that person thinks that they are entitled to still be mad at me for answering back.
I am sure I am not an easy person, I never said I was, that apologies should be avoided instead of given, but I am only human and at that point yesterday a very scared, annoyed, frustrated and lonely person.
I still haven't really figured out if I am only, just hurt or if I am angry AND hurt. Because the combination of the latter would be explosive.
I am a very proud person, my worst defect, and if I have to I can also be mean(which totally shows my level of maturity at this specific time, about this specific issue), but I am just so overwhelmed right now and I really hate the fact that I suck at arguing. I hate arguing because it comes to a time that no matter how right I am I stop having comebacks and I just blank stare the person down go off to lala land and nod to the annoying beast in front of me.
Today basically my day has been crappy. I have really nothing to work on(amazingly so), what I have to do I don't want to do and could not care less about it, and I am just feeling really sick over the above described situation and like I could really smack that person. My thoughts are very dark right now, ideas of office scissors and banging my head on my desk are filling my brain, any valid excuse to go home, better involving some kind of bleeding injury to be more convincing( another meter of my level of maturity at the moment)and the worst part is I am pretty sure I could/would/might do it if I knew I would not end up fired.
Well I hope you are not yet thinking I am freak, or that I need to be institutionalized(but any place you have 3 meals a day, get to read and do pretty much whatever as long as you are calm and you don't have to pay for it, sounds like a better plan than my life at this exact point).
More updates soon and if not it is probably due to some form of amnesia, a consequence of banging my head against a hard surface.
have a better day than me!!!!
Tei
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Dorothy
And so it is! 11 O'clock and still working!
I thought slavery was over, but it seems it is not over for me. If I were one to believe in past lives and reincarnation I would say I did something terrible to someone or God because I am being punished hard on this one life.
I mean who stays at work from 8am till 11pm for the sake of doing her job properly and nicely and not getting paid....ME! It, of course, had to be me.
I am not trying to suck up, I am not trying to get a raise(at least not yet) and I am not trying to kill myself, even though I am pretty sure if I had a gun, yesterday and today I would have probably used a bullet or two and killed myself. The technicians are heading home, I am the only pathetic soul still finishing crap for the 11th and 12th of June. Who ever thought Holidays were a good idea was a tremendous asshole, they serve no purpose for someone who has to have a phone on 24/7 and not be able to come to the office on the stupid days off.
I can't even have vacation because I am pretty sure if I take a few days off someone WILL mess up all my hard work and organization skills.
All this brings me to an even bigger thought...Why did I waste so many brain cells at school, studying hard, being an A student so now I can get my bosses coffee and order their lunch?????
Really! Why?
The more I get sucked in to being the best at what I do, to working hard and even to get my bosses their coffee I see my dreams floating farther away from me and it worries me.
Should I conform to a well paid job, that stresses me out, but also pleases me to a certain point and mostly pays my bills? Or should I just tell everyone to kiss my butt and follow my dreams?
I am overwhelmed by many thoughts like this every day and every night and I freak out because I am scared I COULD somehow conform to the making money idea, the having a nice apartment and nice clothes thought. And then I see pictures from my students and my heart melts away and tears fill my eyes and my heart has this longing to be in a classroom filled with 4th graders telling me their stories and yelling in my ear, hugging me and telling me how they want to marry me and I feel at home, loved, and happy.
I think my intelligence is at waste at this job most of my day, the way I think my gift of teaching and patience is dying surrounded by so much greed and money hungry thoughts. The simpleness I once loved about my ideas of life and people are secretly but painfully dying every day I set my foot in this place, and no matter how much it may look attractive for now, I know it is not what I love and long for. I make it sound like I have a relationship with teaching, like a romantic love story, but that is the way I feel about it...passionate.
I would not die working for this place, but I would work dying for my students.
The difference lies in the people.
I want my students to become way better people than the people I work for. I want them to believe in the possibility of changing the World with the gifts they have in them and so often times are not even aware they possess them. I want them to have a dream and fight for it. I know it would be too hard to change the people I know and work with the way I know I can impact my students to change the future ahead of them.
Most children, like most people, only need someone to believe in them.
I do! Everyday I do!
I believe in change!
Please pray for me as I am trying to figure out life, work and things during these days.
I am not the most patient person when in stressful situations or when I feel caged, and lately I have felt like my ideas and my mind itself do not belong to me.
This was just a hear felt post about the many questions in my life. I hope I have not bored y'all out of your minds.
Me
I thought slavery was over, but it seems it is not over for me. If I were one to believe in past lives and reincarnation I would say I did something terrible to someone or God because I am being punished hard on this one life.
I mean who stays at work from 8am till 11pm for the sake of doing her job properly and nicely and not getting paid....ME! It, of course, had to be me.
I am not trying to suck up, I am not trying to get a raise(at least not yet) and I am not trying to kill myself, even though I am pretty sure if I had a gun, yesterday and today I would have probably used a bullet or two and killed myself. The technicians are heading home, I am the only pathetic soul still finishing crap for the 11th and 12th of June. Who ever thought Holidays were a good idea was a tremendous asshole, they serve no purpose for someone who has to have a phone on 24/7 and not be able to come to the office on the stupid days off.
I can't even have vacation because I am pretty sure if I take a few days off someone WILL mess up all my hard work and organization skills.
All this brings me to an even bigger thought...Why did I waste so many brain cells at school, studying hard, being an A student so now I can get my bosses coffee and order their lunch?????
Really! Why?
The more I get sucked in to being the best at what I do, to working hard and even to get my bosses their coffee I see my dreams floating farther away from me and it worries me.
Should I conform to a well paid job, that stresses me out, but also pleases me to a certain point and mostly pays my bills? Or should I just tell everyone to kiss my butt and follow my dreams?
I am overwhelmed by many thoughts like this every day and every night and I freak out because I am scared I COULD somehow conform to the making money idea, the having a nice apartment and nice clothes thought. And then I see pictures from my students and my heart melts away and tears fill my eyes and my heart has this longing to be in a classroom filled with 4th graders telling me their stories and yelling in my ear, hugging me and telling me how they want to marry me and I feel at home, loved, and happy.
I think my intelligence is at waste at this job most of my day, the way I think my gift of teaching and patience is dying surrounded by so much greed and money hungry thoughts. The simpleness I once loved about my ideas of life and people are secretly but painfully dying every day I set my foot in this place, and no matter how much it may look attractive for now, I know it is not what I love and long for. I make it sound like I have a relationship with teaching, like a romantic love story, but that is the way I feel about it...passionate.
I would not die working for this place, but I would work dying for my students.
The difference lies in the people.
I want my students to become way better people than the people I work for. I want them to believe in the possibility of changing the World with the gifts they have in them and so often times are not even aware they possess them. I want them to have a dream and fight for it. I know it would be too hard to change the people I know and work with the way I know I can impact my students to change the future ahead of them.
Most children, like most people, only need someone to believe in them.
I do! Everyday I do!
I believe in change!
Please pray for me as I am trying to figure out life, work and things during these days.
I am not the most patient person when in stressful situations or when I feel caged, and lately I have felt like my ideas and my mind itself do not belong to me.
This was just a hear felt post about the many questions in my life. I hope I have not bored y'all out of your minds.
Me
Monday, June 1, 2009
There Is No Place Like Home
There is really nothing like feeling at home!!!
After weeks of looking for a new place to live I finally found an apartment.
I will be honest here the first time I saw it I never thought I would ever be able to love it. It had ugly furniture, and it was small (it felt small), and after four years of living in a place I loved dearly I was just not quite sure I was ready for a new beginning.
I hate moving, wait, and let me rephrase that I HATE MOVING!!!!
Packing is just not my thing, I don’t travel as much I would like because I hate packing my things, the sight of a suit case makes my heart sick.
So besides not feeling very particular about this apartment I also did not feel too happy about packing and moving.
Friday just arrived way too soon for me this past week.
After signing the contract I came home to a half empty, dirty, dusty apartment!
I guess that’s when it hit me that my tribulations were about to start.
CLEANING!
Oh yeah, I cleaned, and cleaned and cleaned and did some more cleaning till I crashed on my sofa at 4am feeling quite like Cinderella did.
The joy I felt after I finished cleaning the bathtub in my bathroom is quite indescribable, a feeling of accomplishment. Jeez better than climbing the Everest I am telling y’all.
Saturday I went to my old house and packed with my friend, and I wanted to die!
How does one person collect so much crap in a tiny room for four years beats me. I did though and cleaning up was not fun. It turns out I always complain about not having anything decent to wear, and regardless of the fact most of my clothes are not decent for the kind of job I do, I still have A LOT of decent, normal, clothes to wear.
And shoes, man I have more shoes than I can wear, so I must cut on the shoe buying.
Today, Sunday, the day of rest…I spent it cleaning my kitchen, which was by far my least favorite part, I would probably eradicate kitchens if I had it my way. They have a way of getting dirty and disgusting so fast. After almost 6 hours with a break here and there I was done, with a sparkling clean kitchen. I am not intending of going in there to have fun cooking any time soon, because I don’t want to have to clean it in the next 2 months.
Right now I am sitting on my sofa with my blanky and a hot cup of tea, writing and feeling peaceful with my lit candles and nice fluffy rug under my feet (the one luxury I wasted money with for my house, just because I wanted to not had to).
I feel so very happy for the first time in a long time I get to call home mine.
It’s MY house, MY place, and MY home. I like the way it sounds and I sure as heck like the way it feels, and even though I hated all the packing, the cleaning, the organizing and even though my room is still a mess so I have to sleep on the sofa, and it will take the whole week to get everything in order I feel HAPPY!!!!!So very HAPPY!!!!!I would not have it any other way.
Home Sweet Home!
What an awesome thing!
After weeks of looking for a new place to live I finally found an apartment.
I will be honest here the first time I saw it I never thought I would ever be able to love it. It had ugly furniture, and it was small (it felt small), and after four years of living in a place I loved dearly I was just not quite sure I was ready for a new beginning.
I hate moving, wait, and let me rephrase that I HATE MOVING!!!!
Packing is just not my thing, I don’t travel as much I would like because I hate packing my things, the sight of a suit case makes my heart sick.
So besides not feeling very particular about this apartment I also did not feel too happy about packing and moving.
Friday just arrived way too soon for me this past week.
After signing the contract I came home to a half empty, dirty, dusty apartment!
I guess that’s when it hit me that my tribulations were about to start.
CLEANING!
Oh yeah, I cleaned, and cleaned and cleaned and did some more cleaning till I crashed on my sofa at 4am feeling quite like Cinderella did.
The joy I felt after I finished cleaning the bathtub in my bathroom is quite indescribable, a feeling of accomplishment. Jeez better than climbing the Everest I am telling y’all.
Saturday I went to my old house and packed with my friend, and I wanted to die!
How does one person collect so much crap in a tiny room for four years beats me. I did though and cleaning up was not fun. It turns out I always complain about not having anything decent to wear, and regardless of the fact most of my clothes are not decent for the kind of job I do, I still have A LOT of decent, normal, clothes to wear.
And shoes, man I have more shoes than I can wear, so I must cut on the shoe buying.
Today, Sunday, the day of rest…I spent it cleaning my kitchen, which was by far my least favorite part, I would probably eradicate kitchens if I had it my way. They have a way of getting dirty and disgusting so fast. After almost 6 hours with a break here and there I was done, with a sparkling clean kitchen. I am not intending of going in there to have fun cooking any time soon, because I don’t want to have to clean it in the next 2 months.
Right now I am sitting on my sofa with my blanky and a hot cup of tea, writing and feeling peaceful with my lit candles and nice fluffy rug under my feet (the one luxury I wasted money with for my house, just because I wanted to not had to).
I feel so very happy for the first time in a long time I get to call home mine.
It’s MY house, MY place, and MY home. I like the way it sounds and I sure as heck like the way it feels, and even though I hated all the packing, the cleaning, the organizing and even though my room is still a mess so I have to sleep on the sofa, and it will take the whole week to get everything in order I feel HAPPY!!!!!So very HAPPY!!!!!I would not have it any other way.
Home Sweet Home!
What an awesome thing!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Yet Another Useless Post.
Since I have not been so good about blogging I think I am allowed 2 posts in ONE day.
I just thought I would love to share my feeling of complete accomplishment at the end of a day of work when I look at my desk and see neatness and organization, where in just a few hours before there was pure chaos.
Nothing makes me feel better at my last minutes at the office than my neat desk, that I know will be waiting for me tomorrow.
It makes me feel happy and warm and fuzzy, and since I have only been complaining about things and life I decided to post something happy!
Bye
Me
I just thought I would love to share my feeling of complete accomplishment at the end of a day of work when I look at my desk and see neatness and organization, where in just a few hours before there was pure chaos.
Nothing makes me feel better at my last minutes at the office than my neat desk, that I know will be waiting for me tomorrow.
It makes me feel happy and warm and fuzzy, and since I have only been complaining about things and life I decided to post something happy!
Bye
Me
And Tehur Has One Small New Meltdown
I tend to have these terrible panic attacks when confronted with the reality of my situation and this morning after a meeting with my boss I just had one of them.
I have been working, thinking I was going to receive an amount in my paycheck and it turns out I was mistaken. At a moment where my life is having major changes, when I have more things to pay than money I make, I freak out, literally as in yelling and pulling my hair, crying and wanting to kill myself sort of way.
Just this end of month I am moving houses, having to pay things that I had no idea I had to pay and working a demanding job that despite all I truly love.
I don't know how other people do it.
Everyone talks about how we are going through hard times, I feel them in my bank account every pay day, and I just don't know how people manage.
I have been so good about so much these 4 years I have lived on my own, but at this moment in my life all I want to do is slip under a rock and disappear.
The world is one big scary place to be right now. Especially if you are alone.
Everywhere I turn it seems either you are married and have someone to share house and debts with, or you,pardon the expression, are screwed!
I guess by my own standards I am pretty SCREWED...
Money makes my head hurt, but I also cannot simply live without money, so...Well I guess I will figure it out, not all is bad. I have a pretty new house to move into near everything and it's cozy and cute and I am happy about it, because I get to call it my own. Finally! Yay!
It will be a whole new sacrifice, but a very welcomed one.
Lunch hour over, gotta go meltdown over paperwork.
Me
I have been working, thinking I was going to receive an amount in my paycheck and it turns out I was mistaken. At a moment where my life is having major changes, when I have more things to pay than money I make, I freak out, literally as in yelling and pulling my hair, crying and wanting to kill myself sort of way.
Just this end of month I am moving houses, having to pay things that I had no idea I had to pay and working a demanding job that despite all I truly love.
I don't know how other people do it.
Everyone talks about how we are going through hard times, I feel them in my bank account every pay day, and I just don't know how people manage.
I have been so good about so much these 4 years I have lived on my own, but at this moment in my life all I want to do is slip under a rock and disappear.
The world is one big scary place to be right now. Especially if you are alone.
Everywhere I turn it seems either you are married and have someone to share house and debts with, or you,pardon the expression, are screwed!
I guess by my own standards I am pretty SCREWED...
Money makes my head hurt, but I also cannot simply live without money, so...Well I guess I will figure it out, not all is bad. I have a pretty new house to move into near everything and it's cozy and cute and I am happy about it, because I get to call it my own. Finally! Yay!
It will be a whole new sacrifice, but a very welcomed one.
Lunch hour over, gotta go meltdown over paperwork.
Me
Monday, May 25, 2009
Wake Up And Smell The Coffee!!!!
I love Mondays!
I know it is quite unusual to love Mondays, but I do.
I take public transportation to work, it takes me an 1 and a half to get to the place I am working right now. A bus, a train, the metro, the train again and the bus again. I see a lot of people every morning. I see happy people, angry people, sad people and my very favorite...Crazy people. As I sit down and try not to fall asleep I wonder what these people are thinking.
The same routine, the same transportation, the same job, the same everything.
It gets my brain all boggled up to think about what these people are thinking.
I watch them and watch and wonder and make up pretend conversations in my head of what could possibly be going in their heads.
The one thought that always slips into my mind, more like a question is...Are these people really doing what they love??????
I am a lucky girl, I have always done what I liked, even when I was working at the mall I was doing something I loved, even though it tired me four years later.
But most people are not as lucky as I am. Most people do things that they hate because they get a good paycheck at the end of the month.
So when I sit in the train wondering and thinking I cannot help but be sad over these people's lives.
I have experienced so much, been places, seen things, been happy...Truly happy!
So right this minute as I sit in front of my computer at work waiting to start my day of craziness and I think about the people in the public transportation on my way to work I am joyful.
So very joyful I get to do something I love and that I have been lucky to see so much...
My heart is truly glad!!!!!
Wake up and smell the coffee people it's a new day!!!!!!!
Update soon soon
Me
I know it is quite unusual to love Mondays, but I do.
I take public transportation to work, it takes me an 1 and a half to get to the place I am working right now. A bus, a train, the metro, the train again and the bus again. I see a lot of people every morning. I see happy people, angry people, sad people and my very favorite...Crazy people. As I sit down and try not to fall asleep I wonder what these people are thinking.
The same routine, the same transportation, the same job, the same everything.
It gets my brain all boggled up to think about what these people are thinking.
I watch them and watch and wonder and make up pretend conversations in my head of what could possibly be going in their heads.
The one thought that always slips into my mind, more like a question is...Are these people really doing what they love??????
I am a lucky girl, I have always done what I liked, even when I was working at the mall I was doing something I loved, even though it tired me four years later.
But most people are not as lucky as I am. Most people do things that they hate because they get a good paycheck at the end of the month.
So when I sit in the train wondering and thinking I cannot help but be sad over these people's lives.
I have experienced so much, been places, seen things, been happy...Truly happy!
So right this minute as I sit in front of my computer at work waiting to start my day of craziness and I think about the people in the public transportation on my way to work I am joyful.
So very joyful I get to do something I love and that I have been lucky to see so much...
My heart is truly glad!!!!!
Wake up and smell the coffee people it's a new day!!!!!!!
Update soon soon
Me
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I am stuck at work!!!!!
I am stuck at work!!!!
I am starting to think that maybe I will just move in into the office.
My way of going home is answering emails so I am stuck here being hungry and impatient all alone. So here I am sharing my heart with the WWW!!!!!!
I am so hungry I am pretty sure I could eat a whole cow on my own!!!!! Or a sweedish meatball sandwich, or maybe some Italian food!
Actually some cabbage and ugali would be nice, or fried eggs and toast with a mug of warm coffee....OK STOP IT!!!!! I am drooling over my computer and sobbing all at once. The hunger and thoughts of my nice yummy African food are killing me!
I don't really feel like I want to be serious today, so I am going to shove that person off of that chair and into the car...All I want today is to laugh till my bellie hurts and not think about having to wake up at 6 am.
Bye
Me
P.S. At least I am getting thinner...yay
LOL
I am starting to think that maybe I will just move in into the office.
My way of going home is answering emails so I am stuck here being hungry and impatient all alone. So here I am sharing my heart with the WWW!!!!!!
I am so hungry I am pretty sure I could eat a whole cow on my own!!!!! Or a sweedish meatball sandwich, or maybe some Italian food!
Actually some cabbage and ugali would be nice, or fried eggs and toast with a mug of warm coffee....OK STOP IT!!!!! I am drooling over my computer and sobbing all at once. The hunger and thoughts of my nice yummy African food are killing me!
I don't really feel like I want to be serious today, so I am going to shove that person off of that chair and into the car...All I want today is to laugh till my bellie hurts and not think about having to wake up at 6 am.
Bye
Me
P.S. At least I am getting thinner...yay
LOL
Friday, May 15, 2009
HI
I know I haven't posted for a long time. Life has been quite crazy lately. A new job, a new beginning as a single person once again and a lot of crazy changes in my always crazy life.
I wonder!
I wonder because I do not know what is that God has planned for me and I am scared.
The job has been great, I have started working in the office instead of outside knocking on people's doors. I like it a lot better. but it is far and it ends late.
Money also has not stretched and returning from a long absence has not been smooth, especially since I started working.
Living in a money making culture can totally kill the happiest, most joyful simple heart. I feel suffocated by what I see and what I hear. I miss Africa everyday. Sometimes I cry, and most times I sigh, and like I told Lisa I dream of Loita and it makes me feel safe and warm and fuzzy.
I am happy though, I feel pretty happy, but it is an ambivalent feeling. This is my home, but home sometimes means heartache.
I guess I just need a little more time...
Being single is a different story! It was hurtful and it was sad but like most things in life it will go away, this pain and sadness.
Have been there, done that and bought the t-shirt.
The craziness is normal in my life if it was not there it would not be real, I like it that way. It gives meaning to my existance.
I know I have been a bad blogger, but between not having the internet, being dumped, working more than 12 hours and sleeping, time just does not exist.
Hopefully it will pay off, talk to me when I own a Maserati( that would be if I cared about such things)
Someone laughed at my idea of not wanting to live my life around money, I laughed at him for letting money control his life.
I will be happy, one day, somewhere, in a beautiful simple place and I will be FREE!!!!
Which is something money cannot buy!
Me
I wonder!
I wonder because I do not know what is that God has planned for me and I am scared.
The job has been great, I have started working in the office instead of outside knocking on people's doors. I like it a lot better. but it is far and it ends late.
Money also has not stretched and returning from a long absence has not been smooth, especially since I started working.
Living in a money making culture can totally kill the happiest, most joyful simple heart. I feel suffocated by what I see and what I hear. I miss Africa everyday. Sometimes I cry, and most times I sigh, and like I told Lisa I dream of Loita and it makes me feel safe and warm and fuzzy.
I am happy though, I feel pretty happy, but it is an ambivalent feeling. This is my home, but home sometimes means heartache.
I guess I just need a little more time...
Being single is a different story! It was hurtful and it was sad but like most things in life it will go away, this pain and sadness.
Have been there, done that and bought the t-shirt.
The craziness is normal in my life if it was not there it would not be real, I like it that way. It gives meaning to my existance.
I know I have been a bad blogger, but between not having the internet, being dumped, working more than 12 hours and sleeping, time just does not exist.
Hopefully it will pay off, talk to me when I own a Maserati( that would be if I cared about such things)
Someone laughed at my idea of not wanting to live my life around money, I laughed at him for letting money control his life.
I will be happy, one day, somewhere, in a beautiful simple place and I will be FREE!!!!
Which is something money cannot buy!
Me
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Sometimes Crap Turns Into New Sweet Smelling Opportunities
I FAILED my driving exam!!!!In a terrible way!
I could write about all the reasons why it was not my fault, or why it was unfair and how crappy my exam guy was, but that is just dumb I don't do shifting the blame. I failed...PERIOD!
I tried ddesperatly not to cry, crying is already sad when you are 22, but in front of the person who failed you is even worse, and just because you failed does not mean you have to make the other person taking the test nervous.
My test strated in all the wrong ways possible.I was pretty nervous and it started on the wrong foot, but I tried my best(my best under the circumstances i.e. Rain, traffic,being in a exam and having a strager evaluate me).I do not want to go into detail because it was just plain hell.
I was happy the other girl passed, it was her second time and she really needs her license to take her daughters to school, I automatically liked her. I made a friend(point one of bad turning into good).
When I sat down having my good cry near the car, while my instructor and the girl went to the school these really nice men that work for the county as gardeners came to cheer me up.
I like being cheered up, everyone does, but they were really nice(point two, more strangers whom I befriend in the strangest times in my life)
Talking about this and that I got more connections,for work and stuff, so if my day was already crap why not try some selling????
Great idea! I sell that's my job and I have a pain in the ass of a boss who wants to see deadlines met and money made, so since I had to get my butt out of bed at 6 am(who goes driving for 2 hrs before a exam???) I decided I could not lose it all.
Guy with connections plus girl who needs to keep job equals success!!!!
They made me laugh and they made me smile and they made me see the bright side of my crappy day!
I am leaving for work right now and I am feeling a little better and I hope I will sell a lot more, because I have to go retake that test,soon.
I have a car yelling my name!!!!
Opportunity is always around if you take the time to find it, and sometimes it is nearer than what you think.
Thank you Senhores da EMAC!!!!
I could write about all the reasons why it was not my fault, or why it was unfair and how crappy my exam guy was, but that is just dumb I don't do shifting the blame. I failed...PERIOD!
I tried ddesperatly not to cry, crying is already sad when you are 22, but in front of the person who failed you is even worse, and just because you failed does not mean you have to make the other person taking the test nervous.
My test strated in all the wrong ways possible.I was pretty nervous and it started on the wrong foot, but I tried my best(my best under the circumstances i.e. Rain, traffic,being in a exam and having a strager evaluate me).I do not want to go into detail because it was just plain hell.
I was happy the other girl passed, it was her second time and she really needs her license to take her daughters to school, I automatically liked her. I made a friend(point one of bad turning into good).
When I sat down having my good cry near the car, while my instructor and the girl went to the school these really nice men that work for the county as gardeners came to cheer me up.
I like being cheered up, everyone does, but they were really nice(point two, more strangers whom I befriend in the strangest times in my life)
Talking about this and that I got more connections,for work and stuff, so if my day was already crap why not try some selling????
Great idea! I sell that's my job and I have a pain in the ass of a boss who wants to see deadlines met and money made, so since I had to get my butt out of bed at 6 am(who goes driving for 2 hrs before a exam???) I decided I could not lose it all.
Guy with connections plus girl who needs to keep job equals success!!!!
They made me laugh and they made me smile and they made me see the bright side of my crappy day!
I am leaving for work right now and I am feeling a little better and I hope I will sell a lot more, because I have to go retake that test,soon.
I have a car yelling my name!!!!
Opportunity is always around if you take the time to find it, and sometimes it is nearer than what you think.
Thank you Senhores da EMAC!!!!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
The Loveliness Of A Stressful Work
Back to the reality of working my butt off.
I love my new job, for those of you who have not heard me talk about it. I sell!
I love selling, I have been selling since I first started to work when I was 17. It is a demanding job, but now even more so. I have weird schedules, I knock at all these different doors, I meet new people and I walk kilometers every day.
The time I have left I sleep, eat, and try to hangout, which sometimes ends up with me on the verge of puking with exaustion. I am back in the game!
I miss the sun and heat of Africa everyday, Portugal still has remnants of the Winter, but I also love the fact that returning to my routine has not killed me.
I don´t have a lot of time off, and yesterday I got home at midnight, but I have adjusted to it, like a glove to a hand.
My fears of coming back were a little settled and this job has really lifted my spirits up. It has the right amount of stress, demand, fun and work to be really good for me. We have a great team, with some really great potential.
Wish me luck...
I know my posts have been quite short and a little off the deep end, but soon I will be able to sit down and organize my writing life, so be patient with me I am trying to make a living here.lol
I will see you soon...hopefully.
Me
I love my new job, for those of you who have not heard me talk about it. I sell!
I love selling, I have been selling since I first started to work when I was 17. It is a demanding job, but now even more so. I have weird schedules, I knock at all these different doors, I meet new people and I walk kilometers every day.
The time I have left I sleep, eat, and try to hangout, which sometimes ends up with me on the verge of puking with exaustion. I am back in the game!
I miss the sun and heat of Africa everyday, Portugal still has remnants of the Winter, but I also love the fact that returning to my routine has not killed me.
I don´t have a lot of time off, and yesterday I got home at midnight, but I have adjusted to it, like a glove to a hand.
My fears of coming back were a little settled and this job has really lifted my spirits up. It has the right amount of stress, demand, fun and work to be really good for me. We have a great team, with some really great potential.
Wish me luck...
I know my posts have been quite short and a little off the deep end, but soon I will be able to sit down and organize my writing life, so be patient with me I am trying to make a living here.lol
I will see you soon...hopefully.
Me
Sunday, April 5, 2009
There´s No Place Like Home
Back in sunny Portugal!!!
The trip back home was filled with beautiful landscape, new friendships, a lot of movies and some running to catch planes.
The shuttle trip was amazing, I enjoyed it, it gave me the time I needed to settle my ideas and to prepare my heart for the culture shock I was going to experience.
In the in betweeen there was still time to make a new friend. Not even with my headphones on and trying hard not to befriend anyone am I capable of not being social. I amaze myself.
My heart started longing for Africa the moment we left home, but in it I also felt this little pang of excitement about seeing my boyfriend, my friends, the ocean!
It was a lovely moment when we landed in Portugal, to see the ocean, the familiar places, the bridges. My heart felt glad even though I was trying to conceal it.
Seeing my friends and boyfriend at the airpot was also a good thing, I was shaking from all the missing and the longing and the missing and the longing.
The moment I landed and turned my phone on it started ringing and I was back to being a social butterfly. Some things never change.
We made it with only losing one bag, so that was good and I had a hard time trying to get back to my portuguese all I could think about was English and Swahili!
I guess I had missed my home here more than I ever thought, I missed my bed, and my cat. It was really nice to go into my nice tidy room in which I had not slept in two months.
I guess in more than one way I am happy to be here.
I guess slowly but surely I will get back into my routine, with only a few changes like waking up earlier to have my tea, and maybe having a few moments off in my day to contemplate the beauty around me.
Africa is carved in my heart, it will always be, my sould craves it, but the time to return is not now, or in a few months, but until I do, I have my memories to warm my heart and to make my sould glad.
There is no place like home! And home is where the heart is!
My only problem is my heart has a mind of it´s own!
Fot thr moment I am happy I am here, right now, for such a moment as this!
Oh the possibilities!!!!!
P.S. For a while I might not write anything do not worry, I will be back to my writing soon.
The trip back home was filled with beautiful landscape, new friendships, a lot of movies and some running to catch planes.
The shuttle trip was amazing, I enjoyed it, it gave me the time I needed to settle my ideas and to prepare my heart for the culture shock I was going to experience.
In the in betweeen there was still time to make a new friend. Not even with my headphones on and trying hard not to befriend anyone am I capable of not being social. I amaze myself.
My heart started longing for Africa the moment we left home, but in it I also felt this little pang of excitement about seeing my boyfriend, my friends, the ocean!
It was a lovely moment when we landed in Portugal, to see the ocean, the familiar places, the bridges. My heart felt glad even though I was trying to conceal it.
Seeing my friends and boyfriend at the airpot was also a good thing, I was shaking from all the missing and the longing and the missing and the longing.
The moment I landed and turned my phone on it started ringing and I was back to being a social butterfly. Some things never change.
We made it with only losing one bag, so that was good and I had a hard time trying to get back to my portuguese all I could think about was English and Swahili!
I guess I had missed my home here more than I ever thought, I missed my bed, and my cat. It was really nice to go into my nice tidy room in which I had not slept in two months.
I guess in more than one way I am happy to be here.
I guess slowly but surely I will get back into my routine, with only a few changes like waking up earlier to have my tea, and maybe having a few moments off in my day to contemplate the beauty around me.
Africa is carved in my heart, it will always be, my sould craves it, but the time to return is not now, or in a few months, but until I do, I have my memories to warm my heart and to make my sould glad.
There is no place like home! And home is where the heart is!
My only problem is my heart has a mind of it´s own!
Fot thr moment I am happy I am here, right now, for such a moment as this!
Oh the possibilities!!!!!
P.S. For a while I might not write anything do not worry, I will be back to my writing soon.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I Don't Know Where The Time Has Gone, But I Sure Know We Had A Lot Of Fun
When I got here from Portugal I was happy to see my friends, but not happy, happy inside me. I had had the 2 most awful months of my life and was still wondering if coming to Africa had been my most brilliant idea. I am sure that at the time if my friends had not pressured me to come and I did not have my boyfriend drive me to the airport I would just simply not come. I was scared, confused, sad, and the voices in my head (don't worry they don't tell me to do any bad things): P kept on asserting the fact that I was stupid, dumb, an idiot, worthless, it was pretty bad I must say.
I spent six weeks here of glorious fun and it started the very next day after my arrival. I felt useful because I was helping Heather with her home school and I was doing what I loved. I learned so much about people, about myself, about life and especially about Africa.
10 things I learned about myself, others and Africa:
1.I’m tougher than I think (for someone who is not a camping person I did better than I thought on our 5 day camping trip)
2.Swahili is one of the easiest languages to learn
3.I learned to cook from my African ladies typically African food
4.After a rain you can see the top of a mountain way better
5.I learned that my fears are most time a lie my brain wants me to believe
6.I learned breakfast is a sacred moment of peace for one's mind, body, soul and tummy
7.Bargain really works and it is not bad
8.People are so friendly in Africa
9.There is nothing more beautiful than an African sunset or sunrise
10.I fell in love with Africa
When my friend J. first went to India I thought he had gone insane. Why could he not be normal like everybody else? Why did he have to go to INDIA to rest, find himself, or whatever? I mean I was not too happy, I was not going to have my annoying best friend near me for 5 weeks, I was scared something bad might happen to him, and well you get the picture I was being one selfish brat (I tend to do that and only realize later, I don't mean to be selfish, but I end up being anyway). When I made up my mind to come to Tanzania, he was my first supporter in every sense of the word, he cheered me, supported me and gave me money to come on this trip; he knew something I did not. He knew that sometimes you have to go far to find yourself within and learn how to appreciate yourself, others and home by being somewhere completely different than Home.
Did I find myself? I am not sure; I like to think I did.
I have been laughing, and smiling, and jumping on the trampoline and camping and for goodness sake hiking, so I like to think that if I did not find myself at least something in me changed. I think a lot in me changed actually I realized I had been living in my past instead of my present, that I was holding a grudge against the world, that I liked to make myself feel older than I really am, that most of the fears I had had something to do with things that happened back in the day and that I was not letting go of a bunch of things so I could not move forward. I re-found my passion for writing, while I was here too, I had forgotten how happy writing makes me feel, no matter how crappy it might be, I knitted, three scarves with no mistakes or holes in it, I actually finished them, and I danced (I have not danced in like forever).
I could have had the same amount of time off of work back home that I would never have had the time to discover all these amazing, hidden things in me.
How could I not be sad about leaving? When this place gave me so much.
I fell in love and now I have to go back, back to my reality, back to my city life, back.
I am excited about seeing my friends and going home and I am looking forward to the last part of my adventure, and the start of a whole new adventure in Portugal.
I have a hope now. A hope of returning someday!
Sometimes dreams do come true, they do, they do!
P.S. Title credits got to Trevor Borden, his songs have been the soundtrack for my trip here, and I just love this one song so much.
I spent six weeks here of glorious fun and it started the very next day after my arrival. I felt useful because I was helping Heather with her home school and I was doing what I loved. I learned so much about people, about myself, about life and especially about Africa.
10 things I learned about myself, others and Africa:
1.I’m tougher than I think (for someone who is not a camping person I did better than I thought on our 5 day camping trip)
2.Swahili is one of the easiest languages to learn
3.I learned to cook from my African ladies typically African food
4.After a rain you can see the top of a mountain way better
5.I learned that my fears are most time a lie my brain wants me to believe
6.I learned breakfast is a sacred moment of peace for one's mind, body, soul and tummy
7.Bargain really works and it is not bad
8.People are so friendly in Africa
9.There is nothing more beautiful than an African sunset or sunrise
10.I fell in love with Africa
When my friend J. first went to India I thought he had gone insane. Why could he not be normal like everybody else? Why did he have to go to INDIA to rest, find himself, or whatever? I mean I was not too happy, I was not going to have my annoying best friend near me for 5 weeks, I was scared something bad might happen to him, and well you get the picture I was being one selfish brat (I tend to do that and only realize later, I don't mean to be selfish, but I end up being anyway). When I made up my mind to come to Tanzania, he was my first supporter in every sense of the word, he cheered me, supported me and gave me money to come on this trip; he knew something I did not. He knew that sometimes you have to go far to find yourself within and learn how to appreciate yourself, others and home by being somewhere completely different than Home.
Did I find myself? I am not sure; I like to think I did.
I have been laughing, and smiling, and jumping on the trampoline and camping and for goodness sake hiking, so I like to think that if I did not find myself at least something in me changed. I think a lot in me changed actually I realized I had been living in my past instead of my present, that I was holding a grudge against the world, that I liked to make myself feel older than I really am, that most of the fears I had had something to do with things that happened back in the day and that I was not letting go of a bunch of things so I could not move forward. I re-found my passion for writing, while I was here too, I had forgotten how happy writing makes me feel, no matter how crappy it might be, I knitted, three scarves with no mistakes or holes in it, I actually finished them, and I danced (I have not danced in like forever).
I could have had the same amount of time off of work back home that I would never have had the time to discover all these amazing, hidden things in me.
How could I not be sad about leaving? When this place gave me so much.
I fell in love and now I have to go back, back to my reality, back to my city life, back.
I am excited about seeing my friends and going home and I am looking forward to the last part of my adventure, and the start of a whole new adventure in Portugal.
I have a hope now. A hope of returning someday!
Sometimes dreams do come true, they do, they do!
P.S. Title credits got to Trevor Borden, his songs have been the soundtrack for my trip here, and I just love this one song so much.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Job Update
I don't usually blog two times on the same day. It is ridiculous!
But today I have to, because if you follow my blog you would like to know that I got a job. Sometimes coincidence brings opportunity! It is good to have friends and it is good to share with people, you just never know how much of a blessing they can be in your life.
For those of you who have prayed, thank you, and please keep on praying for everything to go as talked and planned from two different countries.
The Lord is always present, always listening, always caring for the desires of our hearts.
It took me a lot of letting go and I think God honored that. I feel happy!
It is good to return home to a job and not to complete uncertainty!
My stress level went way down, maybe nothing will burst this time.
This was really an answer of prayer, we have all been praying here for it, and I know so have people back in Portugal. Amen!
" And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find.Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks."(Luke 11:9-10)
I just came back from a lovely dinner by the fire at the land, with friends, fun and presents. My day could not have been better than it was.
There are some days you treasure and today is that kind of day!
I even made smores, and those were yummy!
Life sure is grand, and I love the smell of Africa and firewood and smoke on me!!!!
Commit you plans to the Lord and then you will succeed.(Proverbs:16:3)
But today I have to, because if you follow my blog you would like to know that I got a job. Sometimes coincidence brings opportunity! It is good to have friends and it is good to share with people, you just never know how much of a blessing they can be in your life.
For those of you who have prayed, thank you, and please keep on praying for everything to go as talked and planned from two different countries.
The Lord is always present, always listening, always caring for the desires of our hearts.
It took me a lot of letting go and I think God honored that. I feel happy!
It is good to return home to a job and not to complete uncertainty!
My stress level went way down, maybe nothing will burst this time.
This was really an answer of prayer, we have all been praying here for it, and I know so have people back in Portugal. Amen!
" And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find.Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks."(Luke 11:9-10)
I just came back from a lovely dinner by the fire at the land, with friends, fun and presents. My day could not have been better than it was.
There are some days you treasure and today is that kind of day!
I even made smores, and those were yummy!
Life sure is grand, and I love the smell of Africa and firewood and smoke on me!!!!
Commit you plans to the Lord and then you will succeed.(Proverbs:16:3)
Dear Me:
Dear Me:
I am writing to you this letter now, because I am pretty sure when you go back to Portugal you won't feel so brave. You will maybe start doubting yourself, or let those voices in your head have the best of you.
So Tehur, my dear, when you start doubting your capacities on dealing with any challenge that should, will, could come up, remember Africa:
You DROVE a Land Cruiser on the other side of the world, and did not KILL anyone or damage the car.
You went looking for leopards and you were NOT scared when Mr.Cerval Cat showed up.
You peed outside, in the bush,in choo's that would make your grandma cringe in horror, in front of people, in the dark out in the wild and guess what...YOU SURVIVED!
You camped in the middle of nowhere, in the rain, thunder, wind and even though once or twice you had to sing Amazing Grace to soothe yourself because you were scared, you DID NOT cry once:P
You learned words in a new language and practiced with random people everywhere.
You HIKED for 6 and a half hours without complaining, or anyone carrying you and you actually enjoyed it.
You rode on the Land Cruiser's roof through the bumpy, dusty African roads, strapped by a rope, singing songs and you are here to tell the STORY!
You started playing the PIANO again and you actually don't totally suck.
You started WRITING AGAIN, blogging, stories, and books, even though it freaks you out to be bad at it.
You jumped on a trampolines for the first time, high up and you actually had fun.
You had tea in a dark, maasai hut made of mud and manure in a typically maasai village and never felt happier!
You had lunch in another Maasai house, with people you had never met and loved them so much, and their stories.
You threw yourself in a pond and gave swimming a chance:P
You walked bare foot, held a chameleon, wore kekois and felt the sun on your face and the warm earth under your feet, you LIVED!
So whatever it is that might scare you in the future, make you doubt yourself, make you feel like you cannot do it... Think about Africa...Smile...and just go for it!...Because you can! Because I believe in you!
I am writing to you this letter now, because I am pretty sure when you go back to Portugal you won't feel so brave. You will maybe start doubting yourself, or let those voices in your head have the best of you.
So Tehur, my dear, when you start doubting your capacities on dealing with any challenge that should, will, could come up, remember Africa:
You DROVE a Land Cruiser on the other side of the world, and did not KILL anyone or damage the car.
You went looking for leopards and you were NOT scared when Mr.Cerval Cat showed up.
You peed outside, in the bush,in choo's that would make your grandma cringe in horror, in front of people, in the dark out in the wild and guess what...YOU SURVIVED!
You camped in the middle of nowhere, in the rain, thunder, wind and even though once or twice you had to sing Amazing Grace to soothe yourself because you were scared, you DID NOT cry once:P
You learned words in a new language and practiced with random people everywhere.
You HIKED for 6 and a half hours without complaining, or anyone carrying you and you actually enjoyed it.
You rode on the Land Cruiser's roof through the bumpy, dusty African roads, strapped by a rope, singing songs and you are here to tell the STORY!
You started playing the PIANO again and you actually don't totally suck.
You started WRITING AGAIN, blogging, stories, and books, even though it freaks you out to be bad at it.
You jumped on a trampolines for the first time, high up and you actually had fun.
You had tea in a dark, maasai hut made of mud and manure in a typically maasai village and never felt happier!
You had lunch in another Maasai house, with people you had never met and loved them so much, and their stories.
You threw yourself in a pond and gave swimming a chance:P
You walked bare foot, held a chameleon, wore kekois and felt the sun on your face and the warm earth under your feet, you LIVED!
So whatever it is that might scare you in the future, make you doubt yourself, make you feel like you cannot do it... Think about Africa...Smile...and just go for it!...Because you can! Because I believe in you!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Weddings, People, Vanilla and Hazelnut Tea and Love, Loads Of Love!
It's Sunday!
I woke up with the rain hitting against my window, the cold breeze. There is something magical about staying in bed when it is raining like that, something about lingering in your warm bed, I love it. Soon though I had to get out of bed to go to church, Mr.B made some coffee, even though I had told Lisa I was going to have tea this morning I could not resist the temptation of fresh, nice, yummy coffee.
When we arrived at church we found out there was gonna be a wedding in the service( that is again one of the amazing things about Africa), a wedding! I had a blast, a taste of an African wedding, lovely! I was blessed.It was just like a western wedding, except people were dressed way more fancy, and it was much more heart warming.
We had a lovely lunch at a Chinese restaurant, with a couple that are friends with the Borden's. They are really nice and sweet couple, and it was so nice to have met them and their cute kids. Some of the faces that are written on my heart.
I am now sitting at home, writing on my blog and sipping heaven from a cup of tea.
The most amazing tea I have ever had.
Vanilla and Hazelnut with a taste of ginger, cinnamon and cardamon. I am in love with it!
Add to this Sunday recipe a lot of love,and Mr. Trevor Borden's music and you will have a sense of what my Sunday has been like...Heaven!
Everyone should have a Sunday like this, everyone should enjoy time to relax, everyone should come to Africa, everyone should...LIVE!
I have my bags to pack, my room here to tidy, my teaching shelf to go through, but right now I am just gonna enjoy my peaceful moment and think about my little zen quote on my tea "Let your heart be your guide".
My heart tells me to relax, and enjoy, and sip my tea with calmness, and listen to my music, because it might be the last time, I actually have time to enjoy life, in a simple way, before I hit the street lights in Portugal!
I am thankful for this day,so thankful, if I were to die tomorrow I am pretty sure I would be ok with it. Of course there are a bunch of things I haven't done, but I sure did a lot of new fun things here, and actually LIVED. So then I guess I would be ok, it's no fun to die if you have never lived, but I have lived, maybe not to the fullest, but to some amazing degree. My soul rejoices in that, my heart is glad!
So here is a little tea message for you all...The beauty in you, is in your spirit!!!!!
I feel beautiful!
I woke up with the rain hitting against my window, the cold breeze. There is something magical about staying in bed when it is raining like that, something about lingering in your warm bed, I love it. Soon though I had to get out of bed to go to church, Mr.B made some coffee, even though I had told Lisa I was going to have tea this morning I could not resist the temptation of fresh, nice, yummy coffee.
When we arrived at church we found out there was gonna be a wedding in the service( that is again one of the amazing things about Africa), a wedding! I had a blast, a taste of an African wedding, lovely! I was blessed.It was just like a western wedding, except people were dressed way more fancy, and it was much more heart warming.
We had a lovely lunch at a Chinese restaurant, with a couple that are friends with the Borden's. They are really nice and sweet couple, and it was so nice to have met them and their cute kids. Some of the faces that are written on my heart.
I am now sitting at home, writing on my blog and sipping heaven from a cup of tea.
The most amazing tea I have ever had.
Vanilla and Hazelnut with a taste of ginger, cinnamon and cardamon. I am in love with it!
Add to this Sunday recipe a lot of love,and Mr. Trevor Borden's music and you will have a sense of what my Sunday has been like...Heaven!
Everyone should have a Sunday like this, everyone should enjoy time to relax, everyone should come to Africa, everyone should...LIVE!
I have my bags to pack, my room here to tidy, my teaching shelf to go through, but right now I am just gonna enjoy my peaceful moment and think about my little zen quote on my tea "Let your heart be your guide".
My heart tells me to relax, and enjoy, and sip my tea with calmness, and listen to my music, because it might be the last time, I actually have time to enjoy life, in a simple way, before I hit the street lights in Portugal!
I am thankful for this day,so thankful, if I were to die tomorrow I am pretty sure I would be ok with it. Of course there are a bunch of things I haven't done, but I sure did a lot of new fun things here, and actually LIVED. So then I guess I would be ok, it's no fun to die if you have never lived, but I have lived, maybe not to the fullest, but to some amazing degree. My soul rejoices in that, my heart is glad!
So here is a little tea message for you all...The beauty in you, is in your spirit!!!!!
I feel beautiful!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
And My Soul Is Torn In Two!
I am back from having tea at one of my African ladies house! I had a lovely time, I never had such great ginger tea ever.I made a nice good-bye card, drew myself near Mt.Meru, kind of like I was hiking and the green, green grass below me, the grass that will surface after the rains fall. On the back I wrote see you soon(in Swahili), inside I wrote in English and in Kiswahili the same message and I was as excited as a 5 year old making mamma a gift, actually my card looked like a 5 year old had made it, my art senses were never very good. My African lady loved it and I felt so warm and fuzzy inside about it.
She made us all ginger tea and we all sat around sipping tea and chatting, then the little boys(her two sons and one of the neighbor's kids) prayed for Mr. B's back that has been hurting forever and I thought that was just so cute, but then my lady said she wanted to pray for me. I don't understand squat of Swahili if someone is talking quite fast, but something inside me was all emotional and I cried, I cried because I love her, I cried because I am leaving, I cried because Africa changed me, I cried because I don't know when I'll be back again, I cried because no matter what the circumstances of her life might be this lady had invited me into her home for tea, someone she just met, someone she has no idea how she changed,a mzungu, I just cried.
SO my soul is torn in two! It wants to go to Portugal and hug friends, family, smell the ocean, run on the paredão, watch the sunset at the beach, sleep in my bed with all my windows open, but it also wants to jump on the trampoline, feel the warm dirt under my feet, smell the rain, go camping and hiking, make ugali and cabbage with the ladies and sing.
I have ambivalent feelings and that is something I am not quite used to. I am the love or hate kind of person, no inbetween's, no loving two things or people exactly the same.
Here I am 3 days before going home with deep sadness, and deep happiness too.
Life is funny sometimes, God does have a twisted sense of humor, what can I do but laugh despite of myself?
This is not my good-bye post yet, it was just a moment, one more moment in the bigger picture of my time here.
Africa is where I feel closer to God, where I saw God, where I felt God.
That thought alone will strike everyone as odd. I say, come to Africa and you will see!
Africa, kwa heri ya kuonana!!!!!
She made us all ginger tea and we all sat around sipping tea and chatting, then the little boys(her two sons and one of the neighbor's kids) prayed for Mr. B's back that has been hurting forever and I thought that was just so cute, but then my lady said she wanted to pray for me. I don't understand squat of Swahili if someone is talking quite fast, but something inside me was all emotional and I cried, I cried because I love her, I cried because I am leaving, I cried because Africa changed me, I cried because I don't know when I'll be back again, I cried because no matter what the circumstances of her life might be this lady had invited me into her home for tea, someone she just met, someone she has no idea how she changed,a mzungu, I just cried.
SO my soul is torn in two! It wants to go to Portugal and hug friends, family, smell the ocean, run on the paredão, watch the sunset at the beach, sleep in my bed with all my windows open, but it also wants to jump on the trampoline, feel the warm dirt under my feet, smell the rain, go camping and hiking, make ugali and cabbage with the ladies and sing.
I have ambivalent feelings and that is something I am not quite used to. I am the love or hate kind of person, no inbetween's, no loving two things or people exactly the same.
Here I am 3 days before going home with deep sadness, and deep happiness too.
Life is funny sometimes, God does have a twisted sense of humor, what can I do but laugh despite of myself?
This is not my good-bye post yet, it was just a moment, one more moment in the bigger picture of my time here.
Africa is where I feel closer to God, where I saw God, where I felt God.
That thought alone will strike everyone as odd. I say, come to Africa and you will see!
Africa, kwa heri ya kuonana!!!!!
Friday, March 27, 2009
Blah
I had this really awesome post I was going to write, I worked my ass off finding info and researching and I was really going to put a lot of effort into it, but the stress from the last couple of days about work and all these feelings about the time to leave caught up with me today. I am not feeling good, and am really tired so today there will be no interesting post, maybe tomorrow when I feel better.
I had such a good day though, I got to go shopping for some stuff which made me happy and had lunch at this Ethiopian restaurant, but I guess my body and my mind are not very happy with me lately so they are warning me. I know the feeling and I know the pain and I know exactly why and when I get it. It sucks having chronic anemia, it sucks that it makes me tired, it sucks that no one has figured out what is wrong with me and it sucks that my body rejects iron and it sucks that when I am stressed it just makes everything worse.It just sucks!
I don't really want to talk about my medical issues on my blog, it is a bit too much for me, but I just let the frustration out on that one, because I really hate anemia, actually I hate my body right now, it is just annoying me so much.
Maybe some other day if I feel inspired I will share my lovely in's and out's on doctors, anemia, and check -ups that just end up finding more stuff wrong with one's already very messed up body. For now I will limit myself to lay on the hammock cursing my blood quietly, while feeling the breeze,hopefully tomorrow I will get to write my hard working great post I have all the notes for in front of me.
Life sometimes sucks even laying in a hammock in Africa, at least I got a lovely Maasai blanket I bought to comfort me.
Something had to be good!
I had such a good day though, I got to go shopping for some stuff which made me happy and had lunch at this Ethiopian restaurant, but I guess my body and my mind are not very happy with me lately so they are warning me. I know the feeling and I know the pain and I know exactly why and when I get it. It sucks having chronic anemia, it sucks that it makes me tired, it sucks that no one has figured out what is wrong with me and it sucks that my body rejects iron and it sucks that when I am stressed it just makes everything worse.It just sucks!
I don't really want to talk about my medical issues on my blog, it is a bit too much for me, but I just let the frustration out on that one, because I really hate anemia, actually I hate my body right now, it is just annoying me so much.
Maybe some other day if I feel inspired I will share my lovely in's and out's on doctors, anemia, and check -ups that just end up finding more stuff wrong with one's already very messed up body. For now I will limit myself to lay on the hammock cursing my blood quietly, while feeling the breeze,hopefully tomorrow I will get to write my hard working great post I have all the notes for in front of me.
Life sometimes sucks even laying in a hammock in Africa, at least I got a lovely Maasai blanket I bought to comfort me.
Something had to be good!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
The Wonders Of Relationships(as in romance)
I have dated some, by some I mean I have learned enough not to make the same mistakes again and to realize that reality works a lot differently than the romance crap we read and see on TV with of course some exceptions.I have dated older men and younger men and let me tell you they are all the same. I have gone through heartbreak, sadness, crying, and a lot of puzzlement. Boys are really fantastic creatures and think completely different than us, that is a fact.Every girl wants a Nicholas Sparks kind of love story, but unless you are one of the exceptions(which I think happens to 1 in a million girls, you are more than welcome to disagree with me, it is just MY opinion) I would stick to reality and enjoy.
I am not the most romantic person, but I have my moments.
Talking to my friend this quote came up, I love the Anne Of Green Gables series and this quote is from one of the books it goes:
"Perhaps after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare like a gay knight riding down.Perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways".
We all expect love to arrive and sweep us off our feet, give us butterflies and make us go dizzy, I don't know about you but I don't really like feeling dizzy at all.
I like to know what to expect and believe me when I say, those butterflies might soon turn to quizziness. I believe though, that if you don't risk it you will never learn. If you have the butterflies go for it, if you enjoy spending time with that one person go for it, because I guarantee that you will come out of that relationship if it works or if it doesn't a changed person, probably hurt and/or sad if it does not work, but a different person. You won't ever make the same mistakes, you will learn how to listen instead of just complaining, you will see through masks guys sometimes use, you will become a better person, even if you think you are a total mess. Mess brings beauty forth!
I dated one guy when I was 19, ten years older than me. I fell in love with his charm, his funny personality, his smile, his sweetness and his car:P lol
I remember my friend suggesting we date and looking at him and smiling. That Christmas while watching the Holiday we kind of quietly agreed on dating(you can't really be loud in the movies you know:P) I was surprised he wanted to date me because we made the most unusual couple, he was a preppy guy and I seemed like I was always wearing the rainbow and walking on clouds.
He used to take me on joy rides and had this imagination I never thought possible for someone who worked in an office. He used to surprise me at work and go pick me up for coffee. I LOVED him, but I was also 19.
I could not understand the long hours of work, the days I did not as so much receive a message, and then got 3 or 4 saying how beautiful and amazing I was and how much he liked me, and most of all I was scared. All that age difference scared me, I was aware I was a child, I was aware he worked with people everyday, and met women, real women, every day. That made me insecure, and being insecure does not go well with my controlling personality. I like to have control over me and my feelings and I could not control how I felt about him, or my fear of losing him, and them voices around me, telling me all these things just made me feel even worse. I cried, everyday for some reason or the other, I cried when he did not message me, I got mad when he told me he was working and would not be able to pick me up and worst of all I listened to the voices around me. That was a mistake! I should have listened to my heart, sat down and talked to him, ask him what was happening, if there was something I could do, if we could come to terms. I knew he loved me, I could see it, I could feel it, but that never matters when you choose to feed on your nasty thoughts.
3 months later I broke up with him, just like that, I gave him an ultimatum actually! I left the car without shedding a tear, but when I got home I cried like there would not be a tomorrow, and I cried the next day, and the next, and I was soooo sad I thought I was going to die. I didn't!
I felt like I would never be able to love again,like my life was ruined, like I wanted to be a nun. I did not want to see his face ever again, every time I thought about the things he did for me my heart hurt so much. Point is, I survived, it was hard, but I learned a lot about myself, a lot about relationships, a lot about men.
I learned that I sucked at saying how I felt, I learned that he was not a talkative man and I wanted him to be, I wanted him to be this person I had in my mind. I expected him to be perfect, and when he was not I was just frustrated, I never bothered to look at myself or my own defects. I never bothered to see it from his perspective, I was a brat. You might all say I lost nothing, he maybe was no meant for me. Maybe not, maybe he was, maybe, maybe, maybe, that is the worst part. It took me a while to let go, a looong while. I will always think about the what if!
I have apologies to make, and I wish I could just tell him everything that is on my mind,but like I have said, some things are meant for self. I am glad we are friends, and I am glad he has moved on. We both learned, I guess, from each other.
I wanted to mention this story, not because it has been the pebble on my shoe, but because it was the one story, the one man, who significantly changed me.From it I learnt how to be patient, listening and kind. If I had never given it a chance, if I was so filled with fear of loving and be loved I would have never learned. I am thankful about it.I would not trade it, but if I could I would change it. Well then again looking at my life right now maybe not, maybe it really was meant to be the way it was. I believe in certain people who are put in your life to change you, I have been that person, but on that one time, he was that person for me.
I love him still for that.
We learn, like Veronica Shoffstall said in her poem:
We learn and learn,
With Every good-bye we Learn:)
I am not the most romantic person, but I have my moments.
Talking to my friend this quote came up, I love the Anne Of Green Gables series and this quote is from one of the books it goes:
"Perhaps after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare like a gay knight riding down.Perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways".
We all expect love to arrive and sweep us off our feet, give us butterflies and make us go dizzy, I don't know about you but I don't really like feeling dizzy at all.
I like to know what to expect and believe me when I say, those butterflies might soon turn to quizziness. I believe though, that if you don't risk it you will never learn. If you have the butterflies go for it, if you enjoy spending time with that one person go for it, because I guarantee that you will come out of that relationship if it works or if it doesn't a changed person, probably hurt and/or sad if it does not work, but a different person. You won't ever make the same mistakes, you will learn how to listen instead of just complaining, you will see through masks guys sometimes use, you will become a better person, even if you think you are a total mess. Mess brings beauty forth!
I dated one guy when I was 19, ten years older than me. I fell in love with his charm, his funny personality, his smile, his sweetness and his car:P lol
I remember my friend suggesting we date and looking at him and smiling. That Christmas while watching the Holiday we kind of quietly agreed on dating(you can't really be loud in the movies you know:P) I was surprised he wanted to date me because we made the most unusual couple, he was a preppy guy and I seemed like I was always wearing the rainbow and walking on clouds.
He used to take me on joy rides and had this imagination I never thought possible for someone who worked in an office. He used to surprise me at work and go pick me up for coffee. I LOVED him, but I was also 19.
I could not understand the long hours of work, the days I did not as so much receive a message, and then got 3 or 4 saying how beautiful and amazing I was and how much he liked me, and most of all I was scared. All that age difference scared me, I was aware I was a child, I was aware he worked with people everyday, and met women, real women, every day. That made me insecure, and being insecure does not go well with my controlling personality. I like to have control over me and my feelings and I could not control how I felt about him, or my fear of losing him, and them voices around me, telling me all these things just made me feel even worse. I cried, everyday for some reason or the other, I cried when he did not message me, I got mad when he told me he was working and would not be able to pick me up and worst of all I listened to the voices around me. That was a mistake! I should have listened to my heart, sat down and talked to him, ask him what was happening, if there was something I could do, if we could come to terms. I knew he loved me, I could see it, I could feel it, but that never matters when you choose to feed on your nasty thoughts.
3 months later I broke up with him, just like that, I gave him an ultimatum actually! I left the car without shedding a tear, but when I got home I cried like there would not be a tomorrow, and I cried the next day, and the next, and I was soooo sad I thought I was going to die. I didn't!
I felt like I would never be able to love again,like my life was ruined, like I wanted to be a nun. I did not want to see his face ever again, every time I thought about the things he did for me my heart hurt so much. Point is, I survived, it was hard, but I learned a lot about myself, a lot about relationships, a lot about men.
I learned that I sucked at saying how I felt, I learned that he was not a talkative man and I wanted him to be, I wanted him to be this person I had in my mind. I expected him to be perfect, and when he was not I was just frustrated, I never bothered to look at myself or my own defects. I never bothered to see it from his perspective, I was a brat. You might all say I lost nothing, he maybe was no meant for me. Maybe not, maybe he was, maybe, maybe, maybe, that is the worst part. It took me a while to let go, a looong while. I will always think about the what if!
I have apologies to make, and I wish I could just tell him everything that is on my mind,but like I have said, some things are meant for self. I am glad we are friends, and I am glad he has moved on. We both learned, I guess, from each other.
I wanted to mention this story, not because it has been the pebble on my shoe, but because it was the one story, the one man, who significantly changed me.From it I learnt how to be patient, listening and kind. If I had never given it a chance, if I was so filled with fear of loving and be loved I would have never learned. I am thankful about it.I would not trade it, but if I could I would change it. Well then again looking at my life right now maybe not, maybe it really was meant to be the way it was. I believe in certain people who are put in your life to change you, I have been that person, but on that one time, he was that person for me.
I love him still for that.
We learn, like Veronica Shoffstall said in her poem:
We learn and learn,
With Every good-bye we Learn:)
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Oh The Stresses and Joys Of Job Hunting and How I Feel Today!
So from the thousands of emails I sent out with resumes I got one answer back...ONE!!!!!
The good part is even though I am still stressing I was filled with some hope too, the bad part, the ONE response I got back sounds fishy:P
I have done this thousands of times, the job hunting you know, and you eventually end up with this 6th sense about it. It is like you automatically know if you will nail that interview or not, if that offer is real or a bogus, you just know. I just know this job offer sounds fishy, but I am sticking with it since it was the only answer I got back.
What I have learned in the 5 years that I have been working is:
A) Be bold, boldness in a good way(which is the best I can explain) makes people interested in you. If you are scared your possible new boss will see through you and you might as well kiss that job good-bye.
B) Be honest, if you tell them you are punctual, assertive, hardworking,learn fast, you better make sure you really are, because on that first week of trial they will bring it on and either you do as you told them, or you are out of there.
C) Don't seem too eager, or else they will think you are desperate and walk all over you because they KNOW you need that job and it totally spoils it for the ones that are no ass kissers.
D) Communication. Being in a job where you have to interact with peers and clients, is just like being married. So communication is an essential factor in order to make it work. I could tell you dozens of stories of how very good work relationships ended in a bad mess because of lack of communication.
E) Always keep the distance. Do not make best friends with people above you, I am telling you right now it is a messy thing, because unless you both are awesome at separating business from relationship(and most times even if you are, your boss is not), distances keep your work, oh well, to be WORK! It does not mean you cannot interact in a friendly way with the people above you, it just means that some things are meant to be kept to self.
F)Peers. Now this is a sticky one, I have made very good friends with people I have worked with, I have fought with people I have worked with and some people I have worked with just wanted to nail me in order to raise. So how do you know?
You DON'T! On this one you mostly have to follow your gut, and if you are like me most likely you will fall on your butt, get your feelings hurt, and have to make things clear once in a while to certain people. Be especially careful of those who absolutely adore you, those are dangerous little weasels. If someone loves you more than your own mama, you're in big trouble.
When I was 19 I became the youngest manager in the chain of clothes store I worked for. I did not want to be manager( I was 19 for goodness sake, lived on my own and thought I had my share of responsibility), but it really was not an offer it was more like an order and so I went. It lasted for 3 months, not that I was a bad manager, nope I was actually good at what I did,I had learned well, it had all to do with relationships. Not everyone is willing to have a 19 year old boss(even though the last thing I felt like was that) and I was not ready to have someone question my authority(I have learned better)in every single decision I made. I crumbled! Good thing you learn from your mistakes, if it happened now I would probably have been a little more listening, and had done a better job at communicating instead of letting things get as far as they did, which ended up with me leaving the store crying, asking for my relocation at some other store(thumbs up for me for running away) and letting this person become manager of that one store.This will make you think I am crazy, but today we are friends, I talk to her and hear her complaints and we both agreed we had not been very fair to each other. Life is funny!
From then on I decided I was never going to crumble again and so far I haven't. I have worked with people who have literally made my life miserable, I have worked with people who I loved working with and when they left I left too(that is a good boss, someone who is so good that if you can't work with them you leave too, especially when you know who the new boss is going to be:P)
I usually don't give up on the bad bosses, they are usually stressed, angry people with personal problems, other times they really are just assholes, but I find in this challenge and until I win their respect I don't usually leave, I guess I am a masochist.I have a vast CV, I have done so many different things it blows my mind. Some of them I hated, some of them I loved, but in all of them I came out a different person and learned so much more than I would have learned in college. I know everything about logistics, I know about merchandising, I know about what sells and what doesn't, how to make people buy, and I can fix computers and printers on my own.I love dealing with people and so I have grown in that area too, I got to meet a lot of people, and I have had a job interview that I nailed the job, with no make-up, all sweaty from running and in running clothes and shoes to work at a perfume shop where you had to look like a doll:D
I am friends wit all my ex bosses, which goes against my prior advice, but because I have gone through so much crap in these relationships I figured that was a wise advice to give, but in the end it is a choice we make.
I stress, but that is just who I am, I am pretty sure I can get a job, it might take me a week when I go back, I might have to talk to my connections, I might end up again at the mall, but I guess I am ready for that. Time here in Africa gave me the rest I needed from humanity and malls and crazy people and confusion. It scares me that I might get all worked up in a new mall job, that once again I will forget what I love. I have done it in the past, when I have a consuming job that entertains me I work at it more than I should. That is probably why when I get tired, I feel like making all malls, stores or places you have to deal with nasty people blow up:P
I also have people that make me want to wake up every morning and go to work, people that come to where you work to say hi, ask you how you are doing and bring you chocolate, those are the clients I live for.
If I sound conceited when I speak I beg your pardon, but I am not, I just know my worth in what I do, and I AM good with people, I DO learn fast and I work HARD, know your worth might be good advice too, don't be cocky, but know your strengths and also you weaknesses so no one can use them against you.
It is a jungle out there in the real world, worse than being in the bush in Africa I am telling you, but the satisfaction in knowing your worth and doing your job successfully is priceless.
I feel a lot better today.
Continue praying for a job for me, and hopefully my advice might in some way help you out.
Today I choose to not be stressed and just trust:D
Tei
The good part is even though I am still stressing I was filled with some hope too, the bad part, the ONE response I got back sounds fishy:P
I have done this thousands of times, the job hunting you know, and you eventually end up with this 6th sense about it. It is like you automatically know if you will nail that interview or not, if that offer is real or a bogus, you just know. I just know this job offer sounds fishy, but I am sticking with it since it was the only answer I got back.
What I have learned in the 5 years that I have been working is:
A) Be bold, boldness in a good way(which is the best I can explain) makes people interested in you. If you are scared your possible new boss will see through you and you might as well kiss that job good-bye.
B) Be honest, if you tell them you are punctual, assertive, hardworking,learn fast, you better make sure you really are, because on that first week of trial they will bring it on and either you do as you told them, or you are out of there.
C) Don't seem too eager, or else they will think you are desperate and walk all over you because they KNOW you need that job and it totally spoils it for the ones that are no ass kissers.
D) Communication. Being in a job where you have to interact with peers and clients, is just like being married. So communication is an essential factor in order to make it work. I could tell you dozens of stories of how very good work relationships ended in a bad mess because of lack of communication.
E) Always keep the distance. Do not make best friends with people above you, I am telling you right now it is a messy thing, because unless you both are awesome at separating business from relationship(and most times even if you are, your boss is not), distances keep your work, oh well, to be WORK! It does not mean you cannot interact in a friendly way with the people above you, it just means that some things are meant to be kept to self.
F)Peers. Now this is a sticky one, I have made very good friends with people I have worked with, I have fought with people I have worked with and some people I have worked with just wanted to nail me in order to raise. So how do you know?
You DON'T! On this one you mostly have to follow your gut, and if you are like me most likely you will fall on your butt, get your feelings hurt, and have to make things clear once in a while to certain people. Be especially careful of those who absolutely adore you, those are dangerous little weasels. If someone loves you more than your own mama, you're in big trouble.
When I was 19 I became the youngest manager in the chain of clothes store I worked for. I did not want to be manager( I was 19 for goodness sake, lived on my own and thought I had my share of responsibility), but it really was not an offer it was more like an order and so I went. It lasted for 3 months, not that I was a bad manager, nope I was actually good at what I did,I had learned well, it had all to do with relationships. Not everyone is willing to have a 19 year old boss(even though the last thing I felt like was that) and I was not ready to have someone question my authority(I have learned better)in every single decision I made. I crumbled! Good thing you learn from your mistakes, if it happened now I would probably have been a little more listening, and had done a better job at communicating instead of letting things get as far as they did, which ended up with me leaving the store crying, asking for my relocation at some other store(thumbs up for me for running away) and letting this person become manager of that one store.This will make you think I am crazy, but today we are friends, I talk to her and hear her complaints and we both agreed we had not been very fair to each other. Life is funny!
From then on I decided I was never going to crumble again and so far I haven't. I have worked with people who have literally made my life miserable, I have worked with people who I loved working with and when they left I left too(that is a good boss, someone who is so good that if you can't work with them you leave too, especially when you know who the new boss is going to be:P)
I usually don't give up on the bad bosses, they are usually stressed, angry people with personal problems, other times they really are just assholes, but I find in this challenge and until I win their respect I don't usually leave, I guess I am a masochist.I have a vast CV, I have done so many different things it blows my mind. Some of them I hated, some of them I loved, but in all of them I came out a different person and learned so much more than I would have learned in college. I know everything about logistics, I know about merchandising, I know about what sells and what doesn't, how to make people buy, and I can fix computers and printers on my own.I love dealing with people and so I have grown in that area too, I got to meet a lot of people, and I have had a job interview that I nailed the job, with no make-up, all sweaty from running and in running clothes and shoes to work at a perfume shop where you had to look like a doll:D
I am friends wit all my ex bosses, which goes against my prior advice, but because I have gone through so much crap in these relationships I figured that was a wise advice to give, but in the end it is a choice we make.
I stress, but that is just who I am, I am pretty sure I can get a job, it might take me a week when I go back, I might have to talk to my connections, I might end up again at the mall, but I guess I am ready for that. Time here in Africa gave me the rest I needed from humanity and malls and crazy people and confusion. It scares me that I might get all worked up in a new mall job, that once again I will forget what I love. I have done it in the past, when I have a consuming job that entertains me I work at it more than I should. That is probably why when I get tired, I feel like making all malls, stores or places you have to deal with nasty people blow up:P
I also have people that make me want to wake up every morning and go to work, people that come to where you work to say hi, ask you how you are doing and bring you chocolate, those are the clients I live for.
If I sound conceited when I speak I beg your pardon, but I am not, I just know my worth in what I do, and I AM good with people, I DO learn fast and I work HARD, know your worth might be good advice too, don't be cocky, but know your strengths and also you weaknesses so no one can use them against you.
It is a jungle out there in the real world, worse than being in the bush in Africa I am telling you, but the satisfaction in knowing your worth and doing your job successfully is priceless.
I feel a lot better today.
Continue praying for a job for me, and hopefully my advice might in some way help you out.
Today I choose to not be stressed and just trust:D
Tei
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
In Search Of A Job That Does Not Involve Fairy Dust
So it is back to reality in a week! Therefore and because my initial plan fell through I must find a job. Quickly!!!!!
My responsible side is now nagging me and so I have to be good about it, and my other side starts telling me how irresponsible I am, how I should have never come on this trip, how do I intend to pay for bills when I get back, or even right now for that matter. It kind of just makes me want to cry and go back in time, despite of all I have learned, enjoyed and saw these past 6 weeks in Africa.
My mind feels like a flushing toilet right now! I have sent resumes, to hotels, schools, malls, and every other possible job you can think of besides whoring.
My boyfriend has more faith in me than I do, because for some reason he thinks I am going to nail a really awesome job, to be honest right now I would just be happy with a cleaning job that paid me 500 euros, any offers?????
I can clean and be a writer, it actually sounds like it could be a novel and all:)
The time is nearing, and honestly I just want to run away for all these different reasons, but either I get a job soon or I might have to contemplate suicide, homelessness or...no i don't even want to think about it.
Experience has taught me I am an over thinker, I stress about problems I do not have yet, but I like to play on the safe side and right now I want a job SO I CAN ENJOY MY LAST DAYS HERE IN PEACE WITHOUT FEELING LIKE I WILL CRY EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT GOING HOME!See, stress, I am sure one day it will make something burst in my brain and I will die.
I thought writing would make me feel better, but really it is not, so maybe I should just go back to my crusade of Resume sending.
Getting a job is a lot like hunting, you have to be smart, sneaky and prepared!
Pray for me!!!!!!
My responsible side is now nagging me and so I have to be good about it, and my other side starts telling me how irresponsible I am, how I should have never come on this trip, how do I intend to pay for bills when I get back, or even right now for that matter. It kind of just makes me want to cry and go back in time, despite of all I have learned, enjoyed and saw these past 6 weeks in Africa.
My mind feels like a flushing toilet right now! I have sent resumes, to hotels, schools, malls, and every other possible job you can think of besides whoring.
My boyfriend has more faith in me than I do, because for some reason he thinks I am going to nail a really awesome job, to be honest right now I would just be happy with a cleaning job that paid me 500 euros, any offers?????
I can clean and be a writer, it actually sounds like it could be a novel and all:)
The time is nearing, and honestly I just want to run away for all these different reasons, but either I get a job soon or I might have to contemplate suicide, homelessness or...no i don't even want to think about it.
Experience has taught me I am an over thinker, I stress about problems I do not have yet, but I like to play on the safe side and right now I want a job SO I CAN ENJOY MY LAST DAYS HERE IN PEACE WITHOUT FEELING LIKE I WILL CRY EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT GOING HOME!See, stress, I am sure one day it will make something burst in my brain and I will die.
I thought writing would make me feel better, but really it is not, so maybe I should just go back to my crusade of Resume sending.
Getting a job is a lot like hunting, you have to be smart, sneaky and prepared!
Pray for me!!!!!!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Tehur's Poetry
No Return
We had our time
We said good-bye,
We left each other falling apart.
We moved on and forgot,
All that had happened, all we had learned.
You made me laugh, you made me smile, made me feel like a fairy flower.
Like an ocean crashing on a body you made me feel like a new love story.
Cared for me, wanted me,
Held me when in agony, but left me,
Somewhere in between to be somebody else's property.
And now, and now
There is no return, I am some other man's tune.
Thoughts:
Thoughts in a maze
Thoughts confused in silence.
I am blue
I am yellow
I am pink
I am green
I am a halepino pepper
There ain't no bottom
Emmylou Harris:P
I hear:
I hear the birds chirping
I hear the flies buzz
I hear the soft breeze passing above, near the sky.
I hear my heart beating, the rhythm of sadness,
Of having to leave such beauty,
i have learned to love.
I hear the voices in my mind, having conflictous thoughts and fights.
My heart beats to the melody, my mind only plays harmony.And so I sigh!
Why is listening to self so difficult, in the midst of this peace?
Why is a war happening within me when all around me is bliss?
Alive(this one is still a rough draft)
How alive am I willing to be everyday?
How alive am I willing to be for you?
How alive am I willing to be today?
How alive am I willing to be to follow my dreams?
How alive am I willing to be, when everyone around me is dead??????
This one does not have a name:
I see the children play, I hear their laughter.
Card games, pranks, badmitton, sun bathing.
I see the Mountain Of God, right in front of my eyes and imagine how heaven shall look one day, just maybe with the sea nearby.
I smell the smell of the earth.
So clean, so pure, so alive.
Like I could actually ask anything and get an answer from it.
Even the flies have a part in this theater that's my life.
Oh the smell of the earth is the smell I wish my soul had. The sweet smell of life!!!!
So this is a scoop of my poetry, I ad not touched it in years, they are so not good at all, but they were my start or restart. I love how alive poetry makes me feel, how my feelings actually come to life. They are work in progress.
We had our time
We said good-bye,
We left each other falling apart.
We moved on and forgot,
All that had happened, all we had learned.
You made me laugh, you made me smile, made me feel like a fairy flower.
Like an ocean crashing on a body you made me feel like a new love story.
Cared for me, wanted me,
Held me when in agony, but left me,
Somewhere in between to be somebody else's property.
And now, and now
There is no return, I am some other man's tune.
Thoughts:
Thoughts in a maze
Thoughts confused in silence.
I am blue
I am yellow
I am pink
I am green
I am a halepino pepper
There ain't no bottom
Emmylou Harris:P
I hear:
I hear the birds chirping
I hear the flies buzz
I hear the soft breeze passing above, near the sky.
I hear my heart beating, the rhythm of sadness,
Of having to leave such beauty,
i have learned to love.
I hear the voices in my mind, having conflictous thoughts and fights.
My heart beats to the melody, my mind only plays harmony.And so I sigh!
Why is listening to self so difficult, in the midst of this peace?
Why is a war happening within me when all around me is bliss?
Alive(this one is still a rough draft)
How alive am I willing to be everyday?
How alive am I willing to be for you?
How alive am I willing to be today?
How alive am I willing to be to follow my dreams?
How alive am I willing to be, when everyone around me is dead??????
This one does not have a name:
I see the children play, I hear their laughter.
Card games, pranks, badmitton, sun bathing.
I see the Mountain Of God, right in front of my eyes and imagine how heaven shall look one day, just maybe with the sea nearby.
I smell the smell of the earth.
So clean, so pure, so alive.
Like I could actually ask anything and get an answer from it.
Even the flies have a part in this theater that's my life.
Oh the smell of the earth is the smell I wish my soul had. The sweet smell of life!!!!
So this is a scoop of my poetry, I ad not touched it in years, they are so not good at all, but they were my start or restart. I love how alive poetry makes me feel, how my feelings actually come to life. They are work in progress.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
I Am A Princess
Hello my lovely people who follow my blog(the 3 up there on the right corner, you are awesome).
I am back from a weekend at a lovely place called Sidai(Sidai is the Maasai word for, good, beautiful and...OSTRICH! Go figure). It was such a nice place, with a breath taking view of the Mountain of the God(which also has this maasai name, but I won´t adventure on spelling it here).
Really the view would make you want to cry, the sunset with pink and gray and the clouds, beautiful...you would feel like you were in Heaven(I secretly hope Heaven is going to look something like some of the places I have been to here in Africa, just with the ocean nearby).
The lodge houses were the most romantic place you would have ever seen, a simple construction that was able to be simple, yet comfortable, and romantic while very practical. I fell in love with 2 particular things, the bed, that was right in front of the balcony doors(in the morning we would open these doors and have tea on our porch admiring the view) and had a mosquito net and we are all aware of how much I love mosquito nets, and then the bathroom, yes the bathroom, for someone who has bathed in rivers and peed with a view, having this lovely bathroom with the most lovely shower you have ever seen was like giving a kid candy. So I guess we can all say that this was for sure not camping, it was more being thrown in a 5 star lodge to be pampered and taken care of all day. I absolutely loved it, but not to make a habit out of it(as if I would ever be able to say that being at a place like that is a habit of mine).
The only reason I got to go was because of some really nice people, the people I know know, who were so very sweet to invite us for such a weekend. Really I cannot better describe this place that maybe think about peace, quiet, animal sounds, heat, nice comforters, beautiful bathroom, amazing view, and yummy food and yes my friends that is exactly where I spent these 2 most amazing days.
Getting there is certainly not my favorite part, it takes 3 hrs and the roads are bumpy and I might have mentioned my problem with motion sickness, even when not in motion at all, just the thought of bumpy roads makes my tummy go wild. I managed, though to survive and it was all very worth my while, sitting around the campfire having a glass of red wine, yes, yes very worth it. On day number 2 Mr.B, Colin and I went out to look for leopards, even though I have been praying to see one I must tell you I was a tid bit nervous, but Mr.B made an offer I was not going to refuse. He let me drive the Land Cruiser! THE LAND CRUISER PEOPLE!!!!!It´s a car(with wheels and stuff), well a jeep, and I got to drive it, and it was so AWESOME, I am quite certain it beats the bathroom by tons. I felt like I could do anything, actually I have been getting that feeling a lot lately, like I can do anything.Hopefully it won´t send me flying off of buildings and stuff, because I am sure that would kill my grandma. Going back to the jeep, so we drove for a while, and I only let it die once and then we stopped and looked out for the leopards. I am starting to think leopards don´t want to meet me, because I haven´t seen any, but Mr. Cerval Cat must have thought I made some yummy dinner, with all the meat I have gained since I am here, he paid us a visit, what a vision from the Land Cruiser´s roof! Let me tell you, it might have beaten that sunset view too.
And so this was my weekend that prevented me from writing for 2 days, but I think you won´t hate me too much when you read this. I enjoyed my free time reading Ms.Lammot´s book(because even though she gave me a reality check, she is one funny lady and any christian lady who ain´t afraid of profanity sure deserves my time and whole attention), and wrote on my journal,some really lovely entries, some really scared ones of the time to come, some really romantic ones, some ideas and et voila- poetry! I have not touched poetry for the longest time, either to read it or write it and out in Sidai camp it just overflowed me and so I wrote my guts out on my journal. I will take a look and maybe post some, some are not ok yet and some will never be posted on this blog, but I felt so good writing it, it just brought my soul back to feeling.Poetry is my way of feeling... I love it! It makes me feel like my soul, might after all, be alive.
I don´t think that feeling like a princess(title of this post) has anything to do with castles, prince´s, fairy tales or anything like that, I think it has to do with the way you secretly think of yourself, the way you see yourself, the way you perceive yourself and I came back from this little retreat absolutely feeling like one.
I hope I will continue feeling like one...
I am a Princess:)
I am back from a weekend at a lovely place called Sidai(Sidai is the Maasai word for, good, beautiful and...OSTRICH! Go figure). It was such a nice place, with a breath taking view of the Mountain of the God(which also has this maasai name, but I won´t adventure on spelling it here).
Really the view would make you want to cry, the sunset with pink and gray and the clouds, beautiful...you would feel like you were in Heaven(I secretly hope Heaven is going to look something like some of the places I have been to here in Africa, just with the ocean nearby).
The lodge houses were the most romantic place you would have ever seen, a simple construction that was able to be simple, yet comfortable, and romantic while very practical. I fell in love with 2 particular things, the bed, that was right in front of the balcony doors(in the morning we would open these doors and have tea on our porch admiring the view) and had a mosquito net and we are all aware of how much I love mosquito nets, and then the bathroom, yes the bathroom, for someone who has bathed in rivers and peed with a view, having this lovely bathroom with the most lovely shower you have ever seen was like giving a kid candy. So I guess we can all say that this was for sure not camping, it was more being thrown in a 5 star lodge to be pampered and taken care of all day. I absolutely loved it, but not to make a habit out of it(as if I would ever be able to say that being at a place like that is a habit of mine).
The only reason I got to go was because of some really nice people, the people I know know, who were so very sweet to invite us for such a weekend. Really I cannot better describe this place that maybe think about peace, quiet, animal sounds, heat, nice comforters, beautiful bathroom, amazing view, and yummy food and yes my friends that is exactly where I spent these 2 most amazing days.
Getting there is certainly not my favorite part, it takes 3 hrs and the roads are bumpy and I might have mentioned my problem with motion sickness, even when not in motion at all, just the thought of bumpy roads makes my tummy go wild. I managed, though to survive and it was all very worth my while, sitting around the campfire having a glass of red wine, yes, yes very worth it. On day number 2 Mr.B, Colin and I went out to look for leopards, even though I have been praying to see one I must tell you I was a tid bit nervous, but Mr.B made an offer I was not going to refuse. He let me drive the Land Cruiser! THE LAND CRUISER PEOPLE!!!!!It´s a car(with wheels and stuff), well a jeep, and I got to drive it, and it was so AWESOME, I am quite certain it beats the bathroom by tons. I felt like I could do anything, actually I have been getting that feeling a lot lately, like I can do anything.Hopefully it won´t send me flying off of buildings and stuff, because I am sure that would kill my grandma. Going back to the jeep, so we drove for a while, and I only let it die once and then we stopped and looked out for the leopards. I am starting to think leopards don´t want to meet me, because I haven´t seen any, but Mr. Cerval Cat must have thought I made some yummy dinner, with all the meat I have gained since I am here, he paid us a visit, what a vision from the Land Cruiser´s roof! Let me tell you, it might have beaten that sunset view too.
And so this was my weekend that prevented me from writing for 2 days, but I think you won´t hate me too much when you read this. I enjoyed my free time reading Ms.Lammot´s book(because even though she gave me a reality check, she is one funny lady and any christian lady who ain´t afraid of profanity sure deserves my time and whole attention), and wrote on my journal,some really lovely entries, some really scared ones of the time to come, some really romantic ones, some ideas and et voila- poetry! I have not touched poetry for the longest time, either to read it or write it and out in Sidai camp it just overflowed me and so I wrote my guts out on my journal. I will take a look and maybe post some, some are not ok yet and some will never be posted on this blog, but I felt so good writing it, it just brought my soul back to feeling.Poetry is my way of feeling... I love it! It makes me feel like my soul, might after all, be alive.
I don´t think that feeling like a princess(title of this post) has anything to do with castles, prince´s, fairy tales or anything like that, I think it has to do with the way you secretly think of yourself, the way you see yourself, the way you perceive yourself and I came back from this little retreat absolutely feeling like one.
I hope I will continue feeling like one...
I am a Princess:)
Friday, March 20, 2009
Reality Why Do You Continually Have To Spoil My Fun???
I am bummed!!!!!!So bummed!!!!!Oh, my dream was just washed away by a wave of reality.
I hate reality...It sneaks behind you, and before you know your dream is snatched away.
Lately I had been envisioning myself as a famous author, as in a writer, a person who writes books, in the lines of Nicholas Sparks meets Elizabeth Gilbert and have tea with Charles Dickens sort of way. How beautiful it was, the talks I had with my imaginary people, the ideas I had for my successful books. I dream big my friends, I don't dream dreams like, "oh, yeah I will write a book and then try really hard to be published." Nope I KNEW I was going to be published, and I KNEW my book was going to be a success, when it was written of course.
I was going to be featured on The New York Times as the most promising young author of our generation, my picture was gonna be on one of those advertisement boards, and what was that smell I was smelling?????? PULITZER( I´d be happy with a Newberry Award too).
Who knows, maybe one day my book would be a major motion picture and I would see my lovely characters come to life. The possibilities were infinite, if it was not for 3 little reasons:
1) I totally missed the point of what it means to write
2) I was way out there over myself and my own dreams, forgetting my capacities and just thinking about success.
3) I read an Anne Lamott book about writing and it slapped me in the face to wake me up from my delirium.
Maybe one day I will be a published author, maybe I won´t ever publish a book, maybe I will publish one and it will be crap, but besides anything if I just get to write, that alone should make me happy. I have a lot of good ideas, of that I am aware and I won't ne humble about it because I know my capacities on that specific area, but actually sitting down and getting them to paper it is a whole different story, and I am far, far away from being a great writer, I need to build callus. Today almost any asshole with connections(and even sometimes without them) gets published, and becomes a bestseller, I have read some of those books and they make me sick. I can only imagine Shakespeare revolving in his grave. I would often thought if some books like that can get published so could I. What lame train of thought, I want to be published because I am GOOD and have POTENTIAL, not because my books are a little better than those crappy ones.
Now that my airs of grandeur have been slapped by my friend reality i am ready to work my butt off on this. Nothing like hard work to really make you realize what success should taste like.And even if it never happens, what a great adventure to write about..."The Unpublished Author" or "Memoirs of an Unpublished Author" hahaha something really funny would sure come out of it.
I am not completely in love with this Reality that has spoiled my dream like this, I was happy dreaming it every night, but I don't hate it either. I needed that slap.
This "famous" author here needs to go pack for camping, because I am not "famous" enough to have somebody do it for me yet.
Tell you all about my camping when I come back, pray we see a leopard:P
Au Revoir
I hate reality...It sneaks behind you, and before you know your dream is snatched away.
Lately I had been envisioning myself as a famous author, as in a writer, a person who writes books, in the lines of Nicholas Sparks meets Elizabeth Gilbert and have tea with Charles Dickens sort of way. How beautiful it was, the talks I had with my imaginary people, the ideas I had for my successful books. I dream big my friends, I don't dream dreams like, "oh, yeah I will write a book and then try really hard to be published." Nope I KNEW I was going to be published, and I KNEW my book was going to be a success, when it was written of course.
I was going to be featured on The New York Times as the most promising young author of our generation, my picture was gonna be on one of those advertisement boards, and what was that smell I was smelling?????? PULITZER( I´d be happy with a Newberry Award too).
Who knows, maybe one day my book would be a major motion picture and I would see my lovely characters come to life. The possibilities were infinite, if it was not for 3 little reasons:
1) I totally missed the point of what it means to write
2) I was way out there over myself and my own dreams, forgetting my capacities and just thinking about success.
3) I read an Anne Lamott book about writing and it slapped me in the face to wake me up from my delirium.
Maybe one day I will be a published author, maybe I won´t ever publish a book, maybe I will publish one and it will be crap, but besides anything if I just get to write, that alone should make me happy. I have a lot of good ideas, of that I am aware and I won't ne humble about it because I know my capacities on that specific area, but actually sitting down and getting them to paper it is a whole different story, and I am far, far away from being a great writer, I need to build callus. Today almost any asshole with connections(and even sometimes without them) gets published, and becomes a bestseller, I have read some of those books and they make me sick. I can only imagine Shakespeare revolving in his grave. I would often thought if some books like that can get published so could I. What lame train of thought, I want to be published because I am GOOD and have POTENTIAL, not because my books are a little better than those crappy ones.
Now that my airs of grandeur have been slapped by my friend reality i am ready to work my butt off on this. Nothing like hard work to really make you realize what success should taste like.And even if it never happens, what a great adventure to write about..."The Unpublished Author" or "Memoirs of an Unpublished Author" hahaha something really funny would sure come out of it.
I am not completely in love with this Reality that has spoiled my dream like this, I was happy dreaming it every night, but I don't hate it either. I needed that slap.
This "famous" author here needs to go pack for camping, because I am not "famous" enough to have somebody do it for me yet.
Tell you all about my camping when I come back, pray we see a leopard:P
Au Revoir
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