I had a whole different blog written to post here, really funny about my beach misfortune this past weekend, but I really do not want to post it because I am suffocating in my need of letting it all out somewhere, these feelings that are killing me.
It sounds really overwhelming, and overwhelmed indeed I feel.
I have known for t least five years that I get way too involved with my work, and when I say way to involved I really MEAN, way too involved, working on the weekends, never turning my phone off, dreaming and crying about it kind of involved.
If you looked at my paycheck you would not understand. To be quite honest I sometimes wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
I guess in a way my job gives me this drive, this kick, kind of like cocain, but not so totally devastating, not that I ever tried cocain, but I can imagine and I watch movies.
I tend to get really stressed out and when I stress I yell, and usually I yell at all the wrong people. I am not the kind of person that won't apologize if I know I was wrong, I do. I am human I mess up and I am also an adult so I should see when I have done wrong. What I cannot understand is how other people never seem able to understand that.
I certainly do not appreciate being told that my job consists of inserting data in a database,for various reasons.
1: That is not my job description.
2: The only reason why everything around the technical area doesn't crumble sometimes is because someone stays at the office till 12am finishing up.
3: I refuse to let someone bring me down and belittle me in that way no matter how much I like that person or not.
Yes because that is how I felt, belittled by that comment and I would much rather have been yelled at and called stupid than being told I do nothing all day.
That was not even the top of the iceberg the top of the iceberg is the inability of this person to apologize. That hurts!
I am not that sensitive about my job, I don't really care about what people think because I know how much I work for it to be done properly, on time, etc, but I am certainly not ready to be told I do nothing with a smile on my face and no comeback.
I am hurt,and I am sad and I hate fighting so I don't really know what to do and praying is not an option at the moment because I feel very unforgiving and to be honest I really don't want to forgive it just yet.
I am really trying to be the bigger person in trying to somehow understand the stubborn attitude, but I am having a hard time.
I am completely aware that my job is not as tiring as other jobs, or as stressing, but I am not happy that the way this was said was in the most condescending, patronizing, stubborn and rude away and still that that person thinks that they are entitled to still be mad at me for answering back.
I am sure I am not an easy person, I never said I was, that apologies should be avoided instead of given, but I am only human and at that point yesterday a very scared, annoyed, frustrated and lonely person.
I still haven't really figured out if I am only, just hurt or if I am angry AND hurt. Because the combination of the latter would be explosive.
I am a very proud person, my worst defect, and if I have to I can also be mean(which totally shows my level of maturity at this specific time, about this specific issue), but I am just so overwhelmed right now and I really hate the fact that I suck at arguing. I hate arguing because it comes to a time that no matter how right I am I stop having comebacks and I just blank stare the person down go off to lala land and nod to the annoying beast in front of me.
Today basically my day has been crappy. I have really nothing to work on(amazingly so), what I have to do I don't want to do and could not care less about it, and I am just feeling really sick over the above described situation and like I could really smack that person. My thoughts are very dark right now, ideas of office scissors and banging my head on my desk are filling my brain, any valid excuse to go home, better involving some kind of bleeding injury to be more convincing( another meter of my level of maturity at the moment)and the worst part is I am pretty sure I could/would/might do it if I knew I would not end up fired.
Well I hope you are not yet thinking I am freak, or that I need to be institutionalized(but any place you have 3 meals a day, get to read and do pretty much whatever as long as you are calm and you don't have to pay for it, sounds like a better plan than my life at this exact point).
More updates soon and if not it is probably due to some form of amnesia, a consequence of banging my head against a hard surface.
have a better day than me!!!!
Tei
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