Sometimes the world is upside down, and all I see is walls around.
Sometimes hope goes on a way, but finds you on some other place,
And sometimes I feel so blue, I'd make the blueberry boo.
For most times I get so lost, I honestly lose all trust,
But when I look around and get to feel the solid ground, right under my feet,
The world somehow, starts to make sense,I let happiness take a chance...
Soon, before I know, my heart just overflows, with music and cheer,
Dance erupts from within and I sing songs and I sing hymns...
Sometimes joy is a decision and hope your very mission,
So don't give up just yet...
Give your soul another chance:
To Hope,
To Love,
To Dance,
To Learn,
Because sometimes that's all it takes, for your self to be reborn....
Friday, October 23, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Ready or Not Here I come!
I was talking to my sister today, really pouring my heart out on how uncentered I have felt for the past few months, and we came to the conclusion I am in need of a new adventure.
I have pretty much felt uncentered since I came back from Africa. It is a feeling of being lost inside myself. Coming back sure was not easy, getting used the craziness again was the weirdest thing.I felt like I did not belong to this anymore, I had fallen in love with another country, another culture and my culture was now strange to me.
It sounds dumb, but it's true.
I thought I would fix my mess with a new job, and a new relationship, and a new house and a new everything. I was wrong! I did not fix anything, I created a rollercoaster and the rollercoaster is making me sick.
Most times I feel really lonely in the middle of the mess, and I feel like I want to cry and I terribly miss my mom, actually miss my family and all I want to do is to run home. Now there is no home to run to, there's only friends and pretend families and I love them to pieces, but it is not the same.
Some people feel that having security and stability in their lives is what they need to fix the mess, the rollercoaster...I go on what I call adventures!
Adventures fix me inside, because I get to see life and people in a whole different perspective, I am shaped by those experiences and I learn so much more than I ever would at work or school.
Besides adventures make me happy, they bring joy to my life, I find I can adapt better to a new scenario than to stay the same.
My feeling of not having a center has a lot to do with the fact that I have found it really hard to see my Mr. God in the places where I have been. When you can´t see God, feel God, turn to God in times of happiness and sadness you are easily thrown into confusion and chaos. All you can do at moments like that is to not let go, never let go and God will come rescue you if you keep on fighting.
I want my center back and I want my life changed, it has been a lot farther away than it is right now.
Broken hearts, and crappy jobs, fake people and a terrible feeling of loss can actually be a miracle on your way to bigger, better, most amazing things than you could have possibly imagined.
I hate the mess right now, I hate crying so many times and be thrown on my knees so many times, I hate believing and then being betrayed, I hate putting my heart out there and then get it trampled by people I was sure loved me, I hate the rollercoaster, but even I have to admit it's necessary.
I am being shaped, I am a little closer to that which I am supposed to be.
That's what keeps me going, that's what makes me not want to give up, that is exactly way I love my God even when I can honestly tell the world He is not my center right now, because He won't give up on me, and neither will I.
Maybe my adventure right now is not so much go away and travel the world, but stay here and regain my center, maybe the changes are little, but here or in me.
Maybe in the midst of it all the bigger adventure is to learn how to let go and give it all to whom can fix it instead of holding it all in and playing God.
Maybe my big adventure is to find me...here!
And that is pretty crazy:D
I have pretty much felt uncentered since I came back from Africa. It is a feeling of being lost inside myself. Coming back sure was not easy, getting used the craziness again was the weirdest thing.I felt like I did not belong to this anymore, I had fallen in love with another country, another culture and my culture was now strange to me.
It sounds dumb, but it's true.
I thought I would fix my mess with a new job, and a new relationship, and a new house and a new everything. I was wrong! I did not fix anything, I created a rollercoaster and the rollercoaster is making me sick.
Most times I feel really lonely in the middle of the mess, and I feel like I want to cry and I terribly miss my mom, actually miss my family and all I want to do is to run home. Now there is no home to run to, there's only friends and pretend families and I love them to pieces, but it is not the same.
Some people feel that having security and stability in their lives is what they need to fix the mess, the rollercoaster...I go on what I call adventures!
Adventures fix me inside, because I get to see life and people in a whole different perspective, I am shaped by those experiences and I learn so much more than I ever would at work or school.
Besides adventures make me happy, they bring joy to my life, I find I can adapt better to a new scenario than to stay the same.
My feeling of not having a center has a lot to do with the fact that I have found it really hard to see my Mr. God in the places where I have been. When you can´t see God, feel God, turn to God in times of happiness and sadness you are easily thrown into confusion and chaos. All you can do at moments like that is to not let go, never let go and God will come rescue you if you keep on fighting.
I want my center back and I want my life changed, it has been a lot farther away than it is right now.
Broken hearts, and crappy jobs, fake people and a terrible feeling of loss can actually be a miracle on your way to bigger, better, most amazing things than you could have possibly imagined.
I hate the mess right now, I hate crying so many times and be thrown on my knees so many times, I hate believing and then being betrayed, I hate putting my heart out there and then get it trampled by people I was sure loved me, I hate the rollercoaster, but even I have to admit it's necessary.
I am being shaped, I am a little closer to that which I am supposed to be.
That's what keeps me going, that's what makes me not want to give up, that is exactly way I love my God even when I can honestly tell the world He is not my center right now, because He won't give up on me, and neither will I.
Maybe my adventure right now is not so much go away and travel the world, but stay here and regain my center, maybe the changes are little, but here or in me.
Maybe in the midst of it all the bigger adventure is to learn how to let go and give it all to whom can fix it instead of holding it all in and playing God.
Maybe my big adventure is to find me...here!
And that is pretty crazy:D
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Hard Times
Once every blue moon you are bound to deal with the ghosts of the past that haunt you in some manner and sometimes you won't be ready for it.
I haven't really dealt or even thought about death, pretty much since my mother passed away(I really hate this word, it feels like one is sugarcoating reality).
It is not really one of those subjects one likes to dwell upon. Yes I tend to be a little morbid at times, or throw a morbid joke here and there or have to mention my mom's death to someone, but on the latter I try to do it in a matter of fact way so no one feels uncomfortable, actually I think sometimes I make people too comfortable to talk about my mother's death around me.
My mom was sick, and had been sick for quite a while, and I guess I somehow was aware of it, just didn't want to admit to the hard truth, so I lived in this denial state for a whole year. I lived thinking she would get better, even when I saw my mom cry in pain and despair I wanted to believe so hard that she would get better, that she would become her normal self again. Cancer in not a merciful dicease.
I received the dreadful call, and even tough they would not tell me I informed my grandmother of the facts till, that's when I heard my dad start crying. I will never in my life for as long as I live forget that feeling, it was like I was levitating out of my body, watching all from the outside in. I guess I was in shock!
I was so angry, so sad, so numb all at the same time I ran into my mom's room and locked myself in there, in the dark and the silence, amongst her things whispering to myself it had been a big mistake, that the hospital was gonna call and apologize and we would all laugh about it later...The hospital never called again and the hard truth had to settle and I was the only one not prepared from our family for it. So I did what I do best when stressed,I worked...
I worked my ass off...I focused so hard on the funeral I did not let anyone do anything, not that anyone in our family, prepared or not could do anything. The others were prepared but the sadness was to overwhelming for them, I on the contrary can be very practical when I have to be and as long as I pretended it was not my mother's funeral, I could do it all. I called the hospital, I called family and friends, I arranged for the flowers, the clothes my mom would wear, her casket, everything. It is not something one can brag of, not like you can say "I threw the best funeral ever for my mom you know?" you just do what you have to do...period. That was not the difficult part, that was the easy part, I like the matter-of- fact stuff.
The worst part was when people started arriving. I guess most people feel awkward at funerals, but some people can really be stupid.Asking how are you doing to the 16 year old girl who just lost her mom is not ok, unless you enjoy getting a rude answer. Coming to a funeral when everyone knows you disliked the person who passed is another no-no, unless you enjoy being beaten up. Throwing a crying fit is not ok either unless you are family! These are all good examples of what could set someone who just lost someone anger off.
Since my mom's funeral I have been more aware of this and have undersood that actions, not words can make the difference.
I still have a little note my friend Jesse gave me at my mom's funeral, simple and sweet and at the moment when all around me was just a mess, his note made me feel loved and somehow understood even though he had written that he couldn't possibly know how I was feeling, it made a difference that day, it made a difference to me.
Death is part of life, throughout life I am sure I will attend many more Funerals from dear ones, to complete strangers and I have decided I want to be the one who cares enough not to overwhelm, to be there, to love.
All this brings me to the ghosts of the past because yesterday I had to attend a wake for my friend´s dad who has passed away and like I said I was not ready for them. When I was told he had passed away I was flooded with them ghosts and memories and I knew exactly how my friend was feeling and I knew nothing I said or did, or anyone for that matter would make her pain less. Actually in these moments you do not want your pain lessened, you want to feel everything, because feeling that pain is all you have to hold on to that person who has left you...it's like holding on to a balloon that the wind is pulling away.
When I saw her it broke my heart, because since I already know how it feels I would gladly change places with her, but that wouln't really be being her friend. As a friend you cant't take away the pain, all you can really do is love.
I did not enjoy thinking about the past, but I was glad I went even if it was just to give her a hug, even for just a few minutes,even if I was feeling so impotent. I was glad I was there with her, because showing you care makes the difference, it made for me.
Death is not pleasant, but even from it you gain valuable Life lessons...isn't it ironic????
I haven't really dealt or even thought about death, pretty much since my mother passed away(I really hate this word, it feels like one is sugarcoating reality).
It is not really one of those subjects one likes to dwell upon. Yes I tend to be a little morbid at times, or throw a morbid joke here and there or have to mention my mom's death to someone, but on the latter I try to do it in a matter of fact way so no one feels uncomfortable, actually I think sometimes I make people too comfortable to talk about my mother's death around me.
My mom was sick, and had been sick for quite a while, and I guess I somehow was aware of it, just didn't want to admit to the hard truth, so I lived in this denial state for a whole year. I lived thinking she would get better, even when I saw my mom cry in pain and despair I wanted to believe so hard that she would get better, that she would become her normal self again. Cancer in not a merciful dicease.
I received the dreadful call, and even tough they would not tell me I informed my grandmother of the facts till, that's when I heard my dad start crying. I will never in my life for as long as I live forget that feeling, it was like I was levitating out of my body, watching all from the outside in. I guess I was in shock!
I was so angry, so sad, so numb all at the same time I ran into my mom's room and locked myself in there, in the dark and the silence, amongst her things whispering to myself it had been a big mistake, that the hospital was gonna call and apologize and we would all laugh about it later...The hospital never called again and the hard truth had to settle and I was the only one not prepared from our family for it. So I did what I do best when stressed,I worked...
I worked my ass off...I focused so hard on the funeral I did not let anyone do anything, not that anyone in our family, prepared or not could do anything. The others were prepared but the sadness was to overwhelming for them, I on the contrary can be very practical when I have to be and as long as I pretended it was not my mother's funeral, I could do it all. I called the hospital, I called family and friends, I arranged for the flowers, the clothes my mom would wear, her casket, everything. It is not something one can brag of, not like you can say "I threw the best funeral ever for my mom you know?" you just do what you have to do...period. That was not the difficult part, that was the easy part, I like the matter-of- fact stuff.
The worst part was when people started arriving. I guess most people feel awkward at funerals, but some people can really be stupid.Asking how are you doing to the 16 year old girl who just lost her mom is not ok, unless you enjoy getting a rude answer. Coming to a funeral when everyone knows you disliked the person who passed is another no-no, unless you enjoy being beaten up. Throwing a crying fit is not ok either unless you are family! These are all good examples of what could set someone who just lost someone anger off.
Since my mom's funeral I have been more aware of this and have undersood that actions, not words can make the difference.
I still have a little note my friend Jesse gave me at my mom's funeral, simple and sweet and at the moment when all around me was just a mess, his note made me feel loved and somehow understood even though he had written that he couldn't possibly know how I was feeling, it made a difference that day, it made a difference to me.
Death is part of life, throughout life I am sure I will attend many more Funerals from dear ones, to complete strangers and I have decided I want to be the one who cares enough not to overwhelm, to be there, to love.
All this brings me to the ghosts of the past because yesterday I had to attend a wake for my friend´s dad who has passed away and like I said I was not ready for them. When I was told he had passed away I was flooded with them ghosts and memories and I knew exactly how my friend was feeling and I knew nothing I said or did, or anyone for that matter would make her pain less. Actually in these moments you do not want your pain lessened, you want to feel everything, because feeling that pain is all you have to hold on to that person who has left you...it's like holding on to a balloon that the wind is pulling away.
When I saw her it broke my heart, because since I already know how it feels I would gladly change places with her, but that wouln't really be being her friend. As a friend you cant't take away the pain, all you can really do is love.
I did not enjoy thinking about the past, but I was glad I went even if it was just to give her a hug, even for just a few minutes,even if I was feeling so impotent. I was glad I was there with her, because showing you care makes the difference, it made for me.
Death is not pleasant, but even from it you gain valuable Life lessons...isn't it ironic????
Monday, October 12, 2009
Ai Ai Ai
"You laugh at me because I am different, I laugh at you because you are all the same!"
I like this sentence, I can't really remember where I read it but it brings solace to my soul.
Since I can remember I have heard comments like, "your a little weird!" or "something is missing in your mind!" and more, some not really nice and some from people I really liked. After a while you get used to it.
In a way that is the truth, I really am not quite like most of my friends, I have strange ideas, strange hobbies and some really strange hopes and dreams.
I can't count all the nights I spent discussing ways of creating a time machine, or the many many times I have had conversations with myself. I have fun!
I enjoy seeing things from a different perspective, most times the way "normal" people look at life bores me to death. I cannot believe people grow up and feel they are too old to wear the rainbow, or do a crazy hair do or even sing silly songs. It actually saddens me. I guess that is maybe one of the major reasons why I have always loved to teach the younger classes. I remember one of my students telling me how he was going to build a flying car and take me on a trip around the world. The amount of detail he put into it just made me so happy, I like kids who have an imagination, they can go anywhere, we had some really fun mornings drawing that car and talking about where we would go and what would we do. What kind of person would I be if I told him that was an impossible idea!!! So was the internet and see where we are today:P
The narrowminds of people nowdays astonishes me in such a way I literally sometimes cry over it.
I enjoy being "weird", whoever loves me, loves me anyway and whomsoever doesn't, tough cookie for them.
I like butterflies and fairies, pink, and bubbles and I like to play tag and jump on the trampoline,I like to dance in the rain and eat cotton candy oh yeah!!!!!!
And on the day that I start feeling "too old" to be a kid I hope some good friend will smack me across the face and challange me for a jump on the trampoline.
The world is already too full of seriousness, sadness and despair I won't join in it I will make merry and enjoy laughter while I can, because I doubt there is anything better in the world than a great laugh!!!!!
I like this sentence, I can't really remember where I read it but it brings solace to my soul.
Since I can remember I have heard comments like, "your a little weird!" or "something is missing in your mind!" and more, some not really nice and some from people I really liked. After a while you get used to it.
In a way that is the truth, I really am not quite like most of my friends, I have strange ideas, strange hobbies and some really strange hopes and dreams.
I can't count all the nights I spent discussing ways of creating a time machine, or the many many times I have had conversations with myself. I have fun!
I enjoy seeing things from a different perspective, most times the way "normal" people look at life bores me to death. I cannot believe people grow up and feel they are too old to wear the rainbow, or do a crazy hair do or even sing silly songs. It actually saddens me. I guess that is maybe one of the major reasons why I have always loved to teach the younger classes. I remember one of my students telling me how he was going to build a flying car and take me on a trip around the world. The amount of detail he put into it just made me so happy, I like kids who have an imagination, they can go anywhere, we had some really fun mornings drawing that car and talking about where we would go and what would we do. What kind of person would I be if I told him that was an impossible idea!!! So was the internet and see where we are today:P
The narrowminds of people nowdays astonishes me in such a way I literally sometimes cry over it.
I enjoy being "weird", whoever loves me, loves me anyway and whomsoever doesn't, tough cookie for them.
I like butterflies and fairies, pink, and bubbles and I like to play tag and jump on the trampoline,I like to dance in the rain and eat cotton candy oh yeah!!!!!!
And on the day that I start feeling "too old" to be a kid I hope some good friend will smack me across the face and challange me for a jump on the trampoline.
The world is already too full of seriousness, sadness and despair I won't join in it I will make merry and enjoy laughter while I can, because I doubt there is anything better in the world than a great laugh!!!!!
Friday, October 9, 2009
Friendship
I have been pondering on friendship for quite a while these past days. So much happening such, big changes, so I have to somehow digest all of this and the best way to do that is to sit on my washer that is right by my window while watching people go about their lives I ponder on mine.
You would think friendship would be easy to understand, easy to care for, easy to live with, but like almost everything that involves dealing with people it is not that simple. Long gone are the times I thought that friendships really did last forever as long as they were real. Believe me I learned that one the hard way.
I am not saying that change isn't sometimes...well...necessary, but there will be some attitudes that neither will I forget or understand.
On these past few months I have made new friends, become better friends with old friends and lost some friends(these being the friends I thought I would never lose).
I remember when my best friend went to Minnessota for a whole year, we were inseparable since I don't know when. Every single adventure, boy, fun time, sad moment, we lived it all together, I thought I would never survive without her. I did!
It was a year of tears and laughter and Skype conversations, but we made it and then in a jiffy she was back and it was awkward.
We were happy to see eachtoher and to be reunited, but it felt strange, different and we didn't really know how to readapt to eachother. On that one year she had lived innumerous things, seen different things that I wasn't a part of, and we grew two separate ways. I am not going to lie and say ti was ok, because it wasn't. It hurt me deeply and I remeber crying over it, thinking we would never be able to be best friends again. Quite pathethic when I actually think about it.
We are friends, we still share secrets and laughter, we yell at eachtoher when we have to and we still have sleepovers that are wild, but it is a calmer friendship, thats the best way I can describe it. I don't need to be around her all the time, or call her all the time to know that she is there and she loves me and I have a friend. I guess it is a grown up friendship!
I think that is a process, a good process, a growing process. It took time, faith and a lot of tears, some raw truth and a lot of love, but we managed and I doubt anything could ever break this bond, at least I hope and pray so. I don't take it for granted...
Now some friendships are not like this. There are some people in our lives that we think will never fail us..EVER...and then they do. Not necessarily fail you in the whole sense of the word, but fall short of your exepectations as friends.
~Maybe it was just too much work, maybe it was not worth it, maybe, maybe, maybe.
It hurts and it is a crappy feeling to have.
These kinds of friends, and people for that matter, make me sad, and I pity them. I am quite done with them when I sense this is what is happening.
There is only so much you can do on your side to make it work and thank God, friends are the one thing I am not lacking.
We move on and we let go and we learn a new lesson.
You would think friendship would be easy to understand, easy to care for, easy to live with, but like almost everything that involves dealing with people it is not that simple. Long gone are the times I thought that friendships really did last forever as long as they were real. Believe me I learned that one the hard way.
I am not saying that change isn't sometimes...well...necessary, but there will be some attitudes that neither will I forget or understand.
On these past few months I have made new friends, become better friends with old friends and lost some friends(these being the friends I thought I would never lose).
I remember when my best friend went to Minnessota for a whole year, we were inseparable since I don't know when. Every single adventure, boy, fun time, sad moment, we lived it all together, I thought I would never survive without her. I did!
It was a year of tears and laughter and Skype conversations, but we made it and then in a jiffy she was back and it was awkward.
We were happy to see eachtoher and to be reunited, but it felt strange, different and we didn't really know how to readapt to eachother. On that one year she had lived innumerous things, seen different things that I wasn't a part of, and we grew two separate ways. I am not going to lie and say ti was ok, because it wasn't. It hurt me deeply and I remeber crying over it, thinking we would never be able to be best friends again. Quite pathethic when I actually think about it.
We are friends, we still share secrets and laughter, we yell at eachtoher when we have to and we still have sleepovers that are wild, but it is a calmer friendship, thats the best way I can describe it. I don't need to be around her all the time, or call her all the time to know that she is there and she loves me and I have a friend. I guess it is a grown up friendship!
I think that is a process, a good process, a growing process. It took time, faith and a lot of tears, some raw truth and a lot of love, but we managed and I doubt anything could ever break this bond, at least I hope and pray so. I don't take it for granted...
Now some friendships are not like this. There are some people in our lives that we think will never fail us..EVER...and then they do. Not necessarily fail you in the whole sense of the word, but fall short of your exepectations as friends.
~Maybe it was just too much work, maybe it was not worth it, maybe, maybe, maybe.
It hurts and it is a crappy feeling to have.
These kinds of friends, and people for that matter, make me sad, and I pity them. I am quite done with them when I sense this is what is happening.
There is only so much you can do on your side to make it work and thank God, friends are the one thing I am not lacking.
We move on and we let go and we learn a new lesson.
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