Hard Times

Once every blue moon you are bound to deal with the ghosts of the past that haunt you in some manner and sometimes you won't be ready for it.
I haven't really dealt or even thought about death, pretty much since my mother passed away(I really hate this word, it feels like one is sugarcoating reality).
It is not really one of those subjects one likes to dwell upon. Yes I tend to be a little morbid at times, or throw a morbid joke here and there or have to mention my mom's death to someone, but on the latter I try to do it in a matter of fact way so no one feels uncomfortable, actually I think sometimes I make people too comfortable to talk about my mother's death around me.
My mom was sick, and had been sick for quite a while, and I guess I somehow was aware of it, just didn't want to admit to the hard truth, so I lived in this denial state for a whole year. I lived thinking she would get better, even when I saw my mom cry in pain and despair I wanted to believe so hard that she would get better, that she would become her normal self again. Cancer in not a merciful dicease.
I received the dreadful call, and even tough they would not tell me I informed my grandmother of the facts till, that's when I heard my dad start crying. I will never in my life for as long as I live forget that feeling, it was like I was levitating out of my body, watching all from the outside in. I guess I was in shock!
I was so angry, so sad, so numb all at the same time I ran into my mom's room and locked myself in there, in the dark and the silence, amongst her things whispering to myself it had been a big mistake, that the hospital was gonna call and apologize and we would all laugh about it later...The hospital never called again and the hard truth had to settle and I was the only one not prepared from our family for it. So I did what I do best when stressed,I worked...
I worked my ass off...I focused so hard on the funeral I did not let anyone do anything, not that anyone in our family, prepared or not could do anything. The others were prepared but the sadness was to overwhelming for them, I on the contrary can be very practical when I have to be and as long as I pretended it was not my mother's funeral, I could do it all. I called the hospital, I called family and friends, I arranged for the flowers, the clothes my mom would wear, her casket, everything. It is not something one can brag of, not like you can say "I threw the best funeral ever for my mom you know?" you just do what you have to do...period. That was not the difficult part, that was the easy part, I like the matter-of- fact stuff.
The worst part was when people started arriving. I guess most people feel awkward at funerals, but some people can really be stupid.Asking how are you doing to the 16 year old girl who just lost her mom is not ok, unless you enjoy getting a rude answer. Coming to a funeral when everyone knows you disliked the person who passed is another no-no, unless you enjoy being beaten up. Throwing a crying fit is not ok either unless you are family! These are all good examples of what could set someone who just lost someone anger off.
Since my mom's funeral I have been more aware of this and have undersood that actions, not words can make the difference.
I still have a little note my friend Jesse gave me at my mom's funeral, simple and sweet and at the moment when all around me was just a mess, his note made me feel loved and somehow understood even though he had written that he couldn't possibly know how I was feeling, it made a difference that day, it made a difference to me.
Death is part of life, throughout life I am sure I will attend many more Funerals from dear ones, to complete strangers and I have decided I want to be the one who cares enough not to overwhelm, to be there, to love.
All this brings me to the ghosts of the past because yesterday I had to attend a wake for my friend´s dad who has passed away and like I said I was not ready for them. When I was told he had passed away I was flooded with them ghosts and memories and I knew exactly how my friend was feeling and I knew nothing I said or did, or anyone for that matter would make her pain less. Actually in these moments you do not want your pain lessened, you want to feel everything, because feeling that pain is all you have to hold on to that person who has left you...it's like holding on to a balloon that the wind is pulling away.
When I saw her it broke my heart, because since I already know how it feels I would gladly change places with her, but that wouln't really be being her friend. As a friend you cant't take away the pain, all you can really do is love.
I did not enjoy thinking about the past, but I was glad I went even if it was just to give her a hug, even for just a few minutes,even if I was feeling so impotent. I was glad I was there with her, because showing you care makes the difference, it made for me.
Death is not pleasant, but even from it you gain valuable Life lessons...isn't it ironic????