Dorothy

And so it is! 11 O'clock and still working!
I thought slavery was over, but it seems it is not over for me. If I were one to believe in past lives and reincarnation I would say I did something terrible to someone or God because I am being punished hard on this one life.
I mean who stays at work from 8am till 11pm for the sake of doing her job properly and nicely and not getting paid....ME! It, of course, had to be me.
I am not trying to suck up, I am not trying to get a raise(at least not yet) and I am not trying to kill myself, even though I am pretty sure if I had a gun, yesterday and today I would have probably used a bullet or two and killed myself. The technicians are heading home, I am the only pathetic soul still finishing crap for the 11th and 12th of June. Who ever thought Holidays were a good idea was a tremendous asshole, they serve no purpose for someone who has to have a phone on 24/7 and not be able to come to the office on the stupid days off.
I can't even have vacation because I am pretty sure if I take a few days off someone WILL mess up all my hard work and organization skills.
All this brings me to an even bigger thought...Why did I waste so many brain cells at school, studying hard, being an A student so now I can get my bosses coffee and order their lunch?????
Really! Why?
The more I get sucked in to being the best at what I do, to working hard and even to get my bosses their coffee I see my dreams floating farther away from me and it worries me.
Should I conform to a well paid job, that stresses me out, but also pleases me to a certain point and mostly pays my bills? Or should I just tell everyone to kiss my butt and follow my dreams?
I am overwhelmed by many thoughts like this every day and every night and I freak out because I am scared I COULD somehow conform to the making money idea, the having a nice apartment and nice clothes thought. And then I see pictures from my students and my heart melts away and tears fill my eyes and my heart has this longing to be in a classroom filled with 4th graders telling me their stories and yelling in my ear, hugging me and telling me how they want to marry me and I feel at home, loved, and happy.
I think my intelligence is at waste at this job most of my day, the way I think my gift of teaching and patience is dying surrounded by so much greed and money hungry thoughts. The simpleness I once loved about my ideas of life and people are secretly but painfully dying every day I set my foot in this place, and no matter how much it may look attractive for now, I know it is not what I love and long for. I make it sound like I have a relationship with teaching, like a romantic love story, but that is the way I feel about it...passionate.
I would not die working for this place, but I would work dying for my students.
The difference lies in the people.
I want my students to become way better people than the people I work for. I want them to believe in the possibility of changing the World with the gifts they have in them and so often times are not even aware they possess them. I want them to have a dream and fight for it. I know it would be too hard to change the people I know and work with the way I know I can impact my students to change the future ahead of them.
Most children, like most people, only need someone to believe in them.
I do! Everyday I do!
I believe in change!
Please pray for me as I am trying to figure out life, work and things during these days.
I am not the most patient person when in stressful situations or when I feel caged, and lately I have felt like my ideas and my mind itself do not belong to me.
This was just a hear felt post about the many questions in my life. I hope I have not bored y'all out of your minds.
Me

There Is No Place Like Home

There is really nothing like feeling at home!!!

After weeks of looking for a new place to live I finally found an apartment.
I will be honest here the first time I saw it I never thought I would ever be able to love it. It had ugly furniture, and it was small (it felt small), and after four years of living in a place I loved dearly I was just not quite sure I was ready for a new beginning.
I hate moving, wait, and let me rephrase that I HATE MOVING!!!!
Packing is just not my thing, I don’t travel as much I would like because I hate packing my things, the sight of a suit case makes my heart sick.
So besides not feeling very particular about this apartment I also did not feel too happy about packing and moving.
Friday just arrived way too soon for me this past week.
After signing the contract I came home to a half empty, dirty, dusty apartment!
I guess that’s when it hit me that my tribulations were about to start.
CLEANING!
Oh yeah, I cleaned, and cleaned and cleaned and did some more cleaning till I crashed on my sofa at 4am feeling quite like Cinderella did.
The joy I felt after I finished cleaning the bathtub in my bathroom is quite indescribable, a feeling of accomplishment. Jeez better than climbing the Everest I am telling y’all.
Saturday I went to my old house and packed with my friend, and I wanted to die!
How does one person collect so much crap in a tiny room for four years beats me. I did though and cleaning up was not fun. It turns out I always complain about not having anything decent to wear, and regardless of the fact most of my clothes are not decent for the kind of job I do, I still have A LOT of decent, normal, clothes to wear.
And shoes, man I have more shoes than I can wear, so I must cut on the shoe buying.
Today, Sunday, the day of rest…I spent it cleaning my kitchen, which was by far my least favorite part, I would probably eradicate kitchens if I had it my way. They have a way of getting dirty and disgusting so fast. After almost 6 hours with a break here and there I was done, with a sparkling clean kitchen. I am not intending of going in there to have fun cooking any time soon, because I don’t want to have to clean it in the next 2 months.
Right now I am sitting on my sofa with my blanky and a hot cup of tea, writing and feeling peaceful with my lit candles and nice fluffy rug under my feet (the one luxury I wasted money with for my house, just because I wanted to not had to).
I feel so very happy for the first time in a long time I get to call home mine.
It’s MY house, MY place, and MY home. I like the way it sounds and I sure as heck like the way it feels, and even though I hated all the packing, the cleaning, the organizing and even though my room is still a mess so I have to sleep on the sofa, and it will take the whole week to get everything in order I feel HAPPY!!!!!So very HAPPY!!!!!I would not have it any other way.
Home Sweet Home!
What an awesome thing!