And so it is! 11 O'clock and still working!
I thought slavery was over, but it seems it is not over for me. If I were one to believe in past lives and reincarnation I would say I did something terrible to someone or God because I am being punished hard on this one life.
I mean who stays at work from 8am till 11pm for the sake of doing her job properly and nicely and not getting paid....ME! It, of course, had to be me.
I am not trying to suck up, I am not trying to get a raise(at least not yet) and I am not trying to kill myself, even though I am pretty sure if I had a gun, yesterday and today I would have probably used a bullet or two and killed myself. The technicians are heading home, I am the only pathetic soul still finishing crap for the 11th and 12th of June. Who ever thought Holidays were a good idea was a tremendous asshole, they serve no purpose for someone who has to have a phone on 24/7 and not be able to come to the office on the stupid days off.
I can't even have vacation because I am pretty sure if I take a few days off someone WILL mess up all my hard work and organization skills.
All this brings me to an even bigger thought...Why did I waste so many brain cells at school, studying hard, being an A student so now I can get my bosses coffee and order their lunch?????
Really! Why?
The more I get sucked in to being the best at what I do, to working hard and even to get my bosses their coffee I see my dreams floating farther away from me and it worries me.
Should I conform to a well paid job, that stresses me out, but also pleases me to a certain point and mostly pays my bills? Or should I just tell everyone to kiss my butt and follow my dreams?
I am overwhelmed by many thoughts like this every day and every night and I freak out because I am scared I COULD somehow conform to the making money idea, the having a nice apartment and nice clothes thought. And then I see pictures from my students and my heart melts away and tears fill my eyes and my heart has this longing to be in a classroom filled with 4th graders telling me their stories and yelling in my ear, hugging me and telling me how they want to marry me and I feel at home, loved, and happy.
I think my intelligence is at waste at this job most of my day, the way I think my gift of teaching and patience is dying surrounded by so much greed and money hungry thoughts. The simpleness I once loved about my ideas of life and people are secretly but painfully dying every day I set my foot in this place, and no matter how much it may look attractive for now, I know it is not what I love and long for. I make it sound like I have a relationship with teaching, like a romantic love story, but that is the way I feel about it...passionate.
I would not die working for this place, but I would work dying for my students.
The difference lies in the people.
I want my students to become way better people than the people I work for. I want them to believe in the possibility of changing the World with the gifts they have in them and so often times are not even aware they possess them. I want them to have a dream and fight for it. I know it would be too hard to change the people I know and work with the way I know I can impact my students to change the future ahead of them.
Most children, like most people, only need someone to believe in them.
I do! Everyday I do!
I believe in change!
Please pray for me as I am trying to figure out life, work and things during these days.
I am not the most patient person when in stressful situations or when I feel caged, and lately I have felt like my ideas and my mind itself do not belong to me.
This was just a hear felt post about the many questions in my life. I hope I have not bored y'all out of your minds.
Me
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOh, you have not bored me at all. I love to read your blog because I feel like I'm going through the same thing. I have a pretty well paying job, but it's not what I want at all. I have been tempted to quit, and to go do what I want. I would say that you are young and you should go follow your dreams! God will take care you! Faith sometimes takes risk. If we follow God's will for our life then that takes faith which sometimes includes a bit of risk, but can also be very rewarding. I think that it is so awesome that you want to teach kids. I love kids dearly. I am applying to work at a summer camp here in Washington this summer! I can't wait to go. I hope that life is going well for you! I will pray for you that you will continue to seek God's will for your life, whatever that may be. God bless you, Tei!
ReplyDeleteI have so many dreams and so little time! I love teaching, but I also love my job. In my job I can make a lot of money and I am no going to lie it is very tempting I can go from what I am doing right now to high places, but then there is always this feeling of, What am I doing to leave a mark, to make this a better palace.? and even if I am not making the world a better place, I should I not be doing something that makes me laugh and smile, and feel so very free?
ReplyDeleteI sometimes feel very foolish, and my boss thinks I am insane, but I don't really care.
I am glad my blog makes sense to someone else besides me, because most times after I right I feel like it's just a boggled pit of entwined ideas.lol
Well have a nice day!
Tei
*Write
ReplyDeleteThat is funny because I feel the same way when I write my blogs. It's just my thoughts in my head at the time, and then they come out on paper. I know what you are talking about with the whole job thing. The only thing with my job is that it has no future whatsoever. I can't grow at my job. It is a small company that will probably never get bigger than it is right now. I think that you can make a mark where you are though. I that it doesn't seem like it at times, but I think it's possible. I know the feeling of wanting do what you want to do, and not wanting to worry about the money side of things. Sometimes, I think that just gets in the way. It's what is holding me back right now. There is that delicate balance of work for a living, and doing what you love and what makes you happy. I think that if we are in God's will for our life it's not going to be something that we can't handle. I guess it's an ongoing process of trying to figure out what the Lord has in store. Sounds like we're in the same boat. You have a good day as well! I hope something today will make you laugh and smile! That is always the best!
ReplyDeleteNate
* I **think that it doesn't seem like it at
ReplyDeleteHaving a really tough day today! Hope yours is better!!!!Thank you for the comment!:)
ReplyDelete