Life is just that... LIFE!

Long time and not one clarifying post about where I am right now.
Things these past few days have been crazy, sad, fun, and frustrating...Oh the paradox!!!
Things at work have been a little better, no one has yelled at me, I have managed to leave on time and all the little problems have been easily solved.
Now being me if one part is working some other part crumbles, so these past few days the work has been fine, but the personal life has crumbled.
Little piece on unasked advice, jealousy can rotten the most amazing relationship!
I am big on the crying scene if you know me. I hate the fighting, I hate the arguing I just cry and cry and that is exactly what I have been doing...CRY!
But, like C.S.Lewis wrote after all the crying there is this sudden peace as if nothing will ever happen again. I am the living proof of this quote.


From where I sit at work I look out this huge window. I can see outside, but the people outside can't see me, just their reflection. Every morning as I sit doing my work I see this elderly couple coming out of their house. She always wears a dress and a white hat, he always wears a cap and gray pants. You can see she has some difficulty walking, and he really is in no better shape than she is, but he still holds her arm and helps her. They walk around the block for a while go into the coffee shop and then return home. Sometimes if the day is quite warm as I am leaving work to go home I see them do the same thing. They have been my joy and hope, because every single day he is holding her hand and they walk around the block and they give a very unbelieving Tehur some hope that one day I will be the elderly lady leaning on my husband walking around the block.
Now you might be asking yourself what does that have to do with anything????
Well if I had thought about that image a few days ago I wouldn't have sent a very angry message, which would have saved me from a lot of hurt and crying.
If I had thought about my favorite elderly couple, patience would have come to mind. If I had remembered them, kindness would have settled in instead of anger, and love would have prevailed instead of lack of trust, but most important if i had remembered my elderly couple I would have had that image of leaning, would have thought about how much it takes to reach that point and instead of yelling I would have kissed and made up and patched the whole situation.
I'm the feisty kind though, and things didn't happen that way and if I were to be asked how much do I regret it, much, a whole lot, I do. I do because I knew better. I know it is not only my fault, it is a 2 way road, I should just have listened to the little voice telling me to love instead of wanting to hurt back.
Now I am stuck in that really nasty place where I do not know what to do. Apologizing would be the beginning, but I really do not know how to do that. I have my doubts an apology would even fix the whole thing. Promises are a dangerous ground to tread, they are never forgotten and if you ever break one it be a terrible place to be also.
So all I am armed with is love, just love and I do not even know the amount of power of love or what the heck am I supposed to do with it.
I know I must trust more, listen more, yell less and talk less, definitely talk less and Stop thinking I am the only one having a hard day around here. I am such a chatter box of complaint sometimes. I try real hard to be better at it but sometimes I just let it have the best of me.
Now what then???? I wait, wait and hope and pray my phone will ring, because I don't want to make things worse.
I look out at my elderly couple and imagine how was it 50 years back? Did they fight half at what I do? Was she a chatterbox like me? Was he jealous of her? Did she cry as much as me when he was mad at her?
I make up their youth conversations, the sweet words told, the pretty lines written on beautiful letters, the dreams shared of many years together the endless loving and caring for one another and all I can do is hope one day I will be the old lady with the hat with the flower patterned dress leaning on my once handsome husband talking about when we were young.
I gotta go work now,before I am caught writing here and then I will have to think about ugly things instead of lovee dovee stories up in me head.
Will post soon.
Tei