I have dated some, by some I mean I have learned enough not to make the same mistakes again and to realize that reality works a lot differently than the romance crap we read and see on TV with of course some exceptions.I have dated older men and younger men and let me tell you they are all the same. I have gone through heartbreak, sadness, crying, and a lot of puzzlement. Boys are really fantastic creatures and think completely different than us, that is a fact.Every girl wants a Nicholas Sparks kind of love story, but unless you are one of the exceptions(which I think happens to 1 in a million girls, you are more than welcome to disagree with me, it is just MY opinion) I would stick to reality and enjoy.
I am not the most romantic person, but I have my moments.
Talking to my friend this quote came up, I love the Anne Of Green Gables series and this quote is from one of the books it goes:
"Perhaps after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare like a gay knight riding down.Perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways".
We all expect love to arrive and sweep us off our feet, give us butterflies and make us go dizzy, I don't know about you but I don't really like feeling dizzy at all.
I like to know what to expect and believe me when I say, those butterflies might soon turn to quizziness. I believe though, that if you don't risk it you will never learn. If you have the butterflies go for it, if you enjoy spending time with that one person go for it, because I guarantee that you will come out of that relationship if it works or if it doesn't a changed person, probably hurt and/or sad if it does not work, but a different person. You won't ever make the same mistakes, you will learn how to listen instead of just complaining, you will see through masks guys sometimes use, you will become a better person, even if you think you are a total mess. Mess brings beauty forth!
I dated one guy when I was 19, ten years older than me. I fell in love with his charm, his funny personality, his smile, his sweetness and his car:P lol
I remember my friend suggesting we date and looking at him and smiling. That Christmas while watching the Holiday we kind of quietly agreed on dating(you can't really be loud in the movies you know:P) I was surprised he wanted to date me because we made the most unusual couple, he was a preppy guy and I seemed like I was always wearing the rainbow and walking on clouds.
He used to take me on joy rides and had this imagination I never thought possible for someone who worked in an office. He used to surprise me at work and go pick me up for coffee. I LOVED him, but I was also 19.
I could not understand the long hours of work, the days I did not as so much receive a message, and then got 3 or 4 saying how beautiful and amazing I was and how much he liked me, and most of all I was scared. All that age difference scared me, I was aware I was a child, I was aware he worked with people everyday, and met women, real women, every day. That made me insecure, and being insecure does not go well with my controlling personality. I like to have control over me and my feelings and I could not control how I felt about him, or my fear of losing him, and them voices around me, telling me all these things just made me feel even worse. I cried, everyday for some reason or the other, I cried when he did not message me, I got mad when he told me he was working and would not be able to pick me up and worst of all I listened to the voices around me. That was a mistake! I should have listened to my heart, sat down and talked to him, ask him what was happening, if there was something I could do, if we could come to terms. I knew he loved me, I could see it, I could feel it, but that never matters when you choose to feed on your nasty thoughts.
3 months later I broke up with him, just like that, I gave him an ultimatum actually! I left the car without shedding a tear, but when I got home I cried like there would not be a tomorrow, and I cried the next day, and the next, and I was soooo sad I thought I was going to die. I didn't!
I felt like I would never be able to love again,like my life was ruined, like I wanted to be a nun. I did not want to see his face ever again, every time I thought about the things he did for me my heart hurt so much. Point is, I survived, it was hard, but I learned a lot about myself, a lot about relationships, a lot about men.
I learned that I sucked at saying how I felt, I learned that he was not a talkative man and I wanted him to be, I wanted him to be this person I had in my mind. I expected him to be perfect, and when he was not I was just frustrated, I never bothered to look at myself or my own defects. I never bothered to see it from his perspective, I was a brat. You might all say I lost nothing, he maybe was no meant for me. Maybe not, maybe he was, maybe, maybe, maybe, that is the worst part. It took me a while to let go, a looong while. I will always think about the what if!
I have apologies to make, and I wish I could just tell him everything that is on my mind,but like I have said, some things are meant for self. I am glad we are friends, and I am glad he has moved on. We both learned, I guess, from each other.
I wanted to mention this story, not because it has been the pebble on my shoe, but because it was the one story, the one man, who significantly changed me.From it I learnt how to be patient, listening and kind. If I had never given it a chance, if I was so filled with fear of loving and be loved I would have never learned. I am thankful about it.I would not trade it, but if I could I would change it. Well then again looking at my life right now maybe not, maybe it really was meant to be the way it was. I believe in certain people who are put in your life to change you, I have been that person, but on that one time, he was that person for me.
I love him still for that.
We learn, like Veronica Shoffstall said in her poem:
We learn and learn,
With Every good-bye we Learn:)
No comments:
Post a Comment