The Rain Is Coming

The rain is coming, I can hear the thunder getting closer, and the clouds getting darker, and the wind blowing and pretty soon it will explode on a long, hard rain.
That is a lot like how I feel today. Like, pretty soon the rain will be falling in me, thunder and lightening included.
It is not a bad feeling, it is not a sad moment, it is simply a fact I accept.
I don´t like dwelling too long on memories, I don't like dwelling on the past, I don't like looking at pictures(you would think I do by the amount of pictures I take and own), I don't like it, but somehow I am always doing it. My past comes back to haunt me, memories of my childhood, things my mother told me when I was thirteen, past relationships, oh the ghosts of one´s life! I try to stand my ground and tell them to go away, that I have no interest in them, that I am starting anew, but nope it doesn't work.
I spent the last night thinking about my past, I dram about it too, there are so many things in it that I just am not able to let go, and that kind of defeats the purpose of my trip. I should be moving on, not going back.You might say "But Tehur sometimes in order to go forward, you need to rewind". Well clearly you have no idea of the power of my mind, and the effect this reminiscing might have on my life. I just start doubting everything, from myself to my decisions, it is a terrible thing. Especially because I remember every not so good decision and start freaking out about if my decisions right now are the correct ones. How am I to know?
I don't want to know the future, because my life would be so monotonous, but c'mon, cut me some slack, I am 22 and all I hear is the decisions I make right now will impact me forever, so considering my past decisions, I would say I better be damn careful, before I regret them big time sooner than I can say damn.
People keep on asking me WHAT do III want to do?????? Me, doing, wanting, foreign words. I can think of what IIIII would like to do, but from there to actually doing it goes a looooonngggg way. First of all because I am pretty sure that what makes ME happy won't make other people happy, and what can I say I am a people pleaser. It seems like I have no will of my own. I do, I have managed to do SOME of the things I want to do without damaging my surroundings too much. I am always so mixed up into doing the right thing, being the good person, caring for everyone around me, that I get to a point I don't really know who I am anymore, what I like anymore, and end up wanting to be someone else(like wanting to be my best friend, which would totally annoy her). I kind of forget maybe she sometimes wants to be someone else too. And then the storm just starts building up inside.
"I hate being good" I quote Mary Poppins, and secretly wish I could be this way or that, do this or that, give this or that person a piece of my mind. I like to think I have freedom, but do I? Am I free at all???? Or am I just boggled up in what I think I should do, instead of what I WANT to be doing?
Do I think I need counseling? Sure, but it is too expensive and time consuming, so this one I will have to figure it out on my own.
The way I see it I really only have two options, I continue doing what I should be doing, or I figure out what it is IIIIII WANT to be doing and heck, go for it!!!!!
I know the feeling of both, I know the feeling of doing what I should be doing and I know the feeling of doing what I WANT. The day I quit my last job, man it was so not the smartest thing I have done, but it felt SOOOOOOOO good!
The way it is right now I already have some good regrets on my history of things I have not done, I don't want to get to 60 and look back at my boring righteous life. I would be ending up like some of the people I criticize(bad me), so I might have to start anew in this area. So many new things I have to do, it is really tiring, it is tiring being an adult. Especially when most people see you as a girl, I wish I could be either one or the other, but I am pretty sure I have the responsibilities of one and the soul of the other. I am so confused, advice would be appreciated.
Because this cannot be and like I said counseling, so out of my league:P
HELPPPP!lol
Why can't God just tell me what to do?
Or do I just don't like what he has to say?
So many questions, no answers. Really I want my mom:P
This is one of those pointless posts, but I feel better.
Gonna have a cookie, maybe the answer to my quest is inside a creamy oreo.
Don´t the Zen masters always tell you to do the weirdest things to find an answer????
OREOOOOOOOOOOO I NEED YOU!!!!!!
I will let you know how my Zen Oreo moment went:P
See ya´z
Me