No Turning Back

It´s hard to realize that some things will never be as they were one day. It is quite hard to come to the knowledge that you can´t go back and make things different, or change this or that decision.
Since I have had a lot of time to think I can now say I am on the good way to recovery from feeling extremely guilty about some things in my life. I can´t change the past, and the hurts, or sometimes even the happiness brought forth by some decisions that I was aware were not right, but that made me happy, for a while, at least.
Having a conversation with someone this week had a great impact on the way I see myself now. I understood for once, that I can´t walk around with the weight of the world on my shoulders, certainly I wouldn´t want to end up like May Bowright from the Secret Life Of Bees. Lately I have though, walked around, with the grief of the world on my shoulders, my friends problems, my own, my family´s and I was one frustrated person, because I couldn´t make it all better. "Well, dah Tehur, you can´t make it all better, that is not your job!" this voice kept telling me. And boy, did that voice annoy me.
"What you mean I can´t make it all better????Of course I can!"
Nope I cannot, I realize that now. I can help, I can listen, but I cannot make it all better, all the time, because I would be denying growth to some of these people and myself.
To me that is the hardest thing, let go! Leave it to God to take care of it, it´s just not me. I am a solver, I solve problems, I take care, I would go extended lengths to keep those I love from hurt, but that would not be a wise thing to do, it would do more harm than anything.
Someone said I was selfish and ungrateful and was deeply hurting people who loved me. Its a shock to hear that because all I was trying to do was to help, but in my frustration I ended up being horrible, I see that now, but at the time I was just angry. Again, that was not my place, it was not my job, that frustration was the frustration of a human being, me. That was God´s place, God´s job, and it was hard on me because I was not gonna let go, I wasn´t willing to quietly retract and let God work on my hurting self, and my hurting friends, I just wanted to make it alright. As I sat in bed that night with all this rage in me and this sadness of having been misinterpreted, and more than anything of hurting a dear friend all these thoughts attacked me and that annoying little voice spoke to me again, saying I should just let go.Let Go....
And after a long cry that´s what I did, I let it go, hoping my friend would forgive me and I would forgive myself. I still am mastering the letting go thing and the trust issues and the fact that I am really messed up person in some areas of my life, but for once in my life I just did what I was supposed to have done a looooong time ago. And it felt right, and it felt good. I am sure I will mess up a lot more, and probably hurt people I love and myself, but I am willing to work on that area and become better and better at it.
This was my lesson this week, probably the reason I haven´t written, I was trying to figure all this in my mind. Hope this might be some cheering for all the messed up people out there...we have hope:P
Catch up with y´all soon:P (oh I have faith I am not the only dork reading this blog, yes I am calling you a dork:P)
Have a Nice Sunday!!!!!!