When I got here from Portugal I was happy to see my friends, but not happy, happy inside me. I had had the 2 most awful months of my life and was still wondering if coming to Africa had been my most brilliant idea. I am sure that at the time if my friends had not pressured me to come and I did not have my boyfriend drive me to the airport I would just simply not come. I was scared, confused, sad, and the voices in my head (don't worry they don't tell me to do any bad things): P kept on asserting the fact that I was stupid, dumb, an idiot, worthless, it was pretty bad I must say.
I spent six weeks here of glorious fun and it started the very next day after my arrival. I felt useful because I was helping Heather with her home school and I was doing what I loved. I learned so much about people, about myself, about life and especially about Africa.
10 things I learned about myself, others and Africa:
1.I’m tougher than I think (for someone who is not a camping person I did better than I thought on our 5 day camping trip)
2.Swahili is one of the easiest languages to learn
3.I learned to cook from my African ladies typically African food
4.After a rain you can see the top of a mountain way better
5.I learned that my fears are most time a lie my brain wants me to believe
6.I learned breakfast is a sacred moment of peace for one's mind, body, soul and tummy
7.Bargain really works and it is not bad
8.People are so friendly in Africa
9.There is nothing more beautiful than an African sunset or sunrise
10.I fell in love with Africa
When my friend J. first went to India I thought he had gone insane. Why could he not be normal like everybody else? Why did he have to go to INDIA to rest, find himself, or whatever? I mean I was not too happy, I was not going to have my annoying best friend near me for 5 weeks, I was scared something bad might happen to him, and well you get the picture I was being one selfish brat (I tend to do that and only realize later, I don't mean to be selfish, but I end up being anyway). When I made up my mind to come to Tanzania, he was my first supporter in every sense of the word, he cheered me, supported me and gave me money to come on this trip; he knew something I did not. He knew that sometimes you have to go far to find yourself within and learn how to appreciate yourself, others and home by being somewhere completely different than Home.
Did I find myself? I am not sure; I like to think I did.
I have been laughing, and smiling, and jumping on the trampoline and camping and for goodness sake hiking, so I like to think that if I did not find myself at least something in me changed. I think a lot in me changed actually I realized I had been living in my past instead of my present, that I was holding a grudge against the world, that I liked to make myself feel older than I really am, that most of the fears I had had something to do with things that happened back in the day and that I was not letting go of a bunch of things so I could not move forward. I re-found my passion for writing, while I was here too, I had forgotten how happy writing makes me feel, no matter how crappy it might be, I knitted, three scarves with no mistakes or holes in it, I actually finished them, and I danced (I have not danced in like forever).
I could have had the same amount of time off of work back home that I would never have had the time to discover all these amazing, hidden things in me.
How could I not be sad about leaving? When this place gave me so much.
I fell in love and now I have to go back, back to my reality, back to my city life, back.
I am excited about seeing my friends and going home and I am looking forward to the last part of my adventure, and the start of a whole new adventure in Portugal.
I have a hope now. A hope of returning someday!
Sometimes dreams do come true, they do, they do!
P.S. Title credits got to Trevor Borden, his songs have been the soundtrack for my trip here, and I just love this one song so much.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Job Update
I don't usually blog two times on the same day. It is ridiculous!
But today I have to, because if you follow my blog you would like to know that I got a job. Sometimes coincidence brings opportunity! It is good to have friends and it is good to share with people, you just never know how much of a blessing they can be in your life.
For those of you who have prayed, thank you, and please keep on praying for everything to go as talked and planned from two different countries.
The Lord is always present, always listening, always caring for the desires of our hearts.
It took me a lot of letting go and I think God honored that. I feel happy!
It is good to return home to a job and not to complete uncertainty!
My stress level went way down, maybe nothing will burst this time.
This was really an answer of prayer, we have all been praying here for it, and I know so have people back in Portugal. Amen!
" And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find.Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks."(Luke 11:9-10)
I just came back from a lovely dinner by the fire at the land, with friends, fun and presents. My day could not have been better than it was.
There are some days you treasure and today is that kind of day!
I even made smores, and those were yummy!
Life sure is grand, and I love the smell of Africa and firewood and smoke on me!!!!
Commit you plans to the Lord and then you will succeed.(Proverbs:16:3)
But today I have to, because if you follow my blog you would like to know that I got a job. Sometimes coincidence brings opportunity! It is good to have friends and it is good to share with people, you just never know how much of a blessing they can be in your life.
For those of you who have prayed, thank you, and please keep on praying for everything to go as talked and planned from two different countries.
The Lord is always present, always listening, always caring for the desires of our hearts.
It took me a lot of letting go and I think God honored that. I feel happy!
It is good to return home to a job and not to complete uncertainty!
My stress level went way down, maybe nothing will burst this time.
This was really an answer of prayer, we have all been praying here for it, and I know so have people back in Portugal. Amen!
" And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find.Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks."(Luke 11:9-10)
I just came back from a lovely dinner by the fire at the land, with friends, fun and presents. My day could not have been better than it was.
There are some days you treasure and today is that kind of day!
I even made smores, and those were yummy!
Life sure is grand, and I love the smell of Africa and firewood and smoke on me!!!!
Commit you plans to the Lord and then you will succeed.(Proverbs:16:3)
Dear Me:
Dear Me:
I am writing to you this letter now, because I am pretty sure when you go back to Portugal you won't feel so brave. You will maybe start doubting yourself, or let those voices in your head have the best of you.
So Tehur, my dear, when you start doubting your capacities on dealing with any challenge that should, will, could come up, remember Africa:
You DROVE a Land Cruiser on the other side of the world, and did not KILL anyone or damage the car.
You went looking for leopards and you were NOT scared when Mr.Cerval Cat showed up.
You peed outside, in the bush,in choo's that would make your grandma cringe in horror, in front of people, in the dark out in the wild and guess what...YOU SURVIVED!
You camped in the middle of nowhere, in the rain, thunder, wind and even though once or twice you had to sing Amazing Grace to soothe yourself because you were scared, you DID NOT cry once:P
You learned words in a new language and practiced with random people everywhere.
You HIKED for 6 and a half hours without complaining, or anyone carrying you and you actually enjoyed it.
You rode on the Land Cruiser's roof through the bumpy, dusty African roads, strapped by a rope, singing songs and you are here to tell the STORY!
You started playing the PIANO again and you actually don't totally suck.
You started WRITING AGAIN, blogging, stories, and books, even though it freaks you out to be bad at it.
You jumped on a trampolines for the first time, high up and you actually had fun.
You had tea in a dark, maasai hut made of mud and manure in a typically maasai village and never felt happier!
You had lunch in another Maasai house, with people you had never met and loved them so much, and their stories.
You threw yourself in a pond and gave swimming a chance:P
You walked bare foot, held a chameleon, wore kekois and felt the sun on your face and the warm earth under your feet, you LIVED!
So whatever it is that might scare you in the future, make you doubt yourself, make you feel like you cannot do it... Think about Africa...Smile...and just go for it!...Because you can! Because I believe in you!
I am writing to you this letter now, because I am pretty sure when you go back to Portugal you won't feel so brave. You will maybe start doubting yourself, or let those voices in your head have the best of you.
So Tehur, my dear, when you start doubting your capacities on dealing with any challenge that should, will, could come up, remember Africa:
You DROVE a Land Cruiser on the other side of the world, and did not KILL anyone or damage the car.
You went looking for leopards and you were NOT scared when Mr.Cerval Cat showed up.
You peed outside, in the bush,in choo's that would make your grandma cringe in horror, in front of people, in the dark out in the wild and guess what...YOU SURVIVED!
You camped in the middle of nowhere, in the rain, thunder, wind and even though once or twice you had to sing Amazing Grace to soothe yourself because you were scared, you DID NOT cry once:P
You learned words in a new language and practiced with random people everywhere.
You HIKED for 6 and a half hours without complaining, or anyone carrying you and you actually enjoyed it.
You rode on the Land Cruiser's roof through the bumpy, dusty African roads, strapped by a rope, singing songs and you are here to tell the STORY!
You started playing the PIANO again and you actually don't totally suck.
You started WRITING AGAIN, blogging, stories, and books, even though it freaks you out to be bad at it.
You jumped on a trampolines for the first time, high up and you actually had fun.
You had tea in a dark, maasai hut made of mud and manure in a typically maasai village and never felt happier!
You had lunch in another Maasai house, with people you had never met and loved them so much, and their stories.
You threw yourself in a pond and gave swimming a chance:P
You walked bare foot, held a chameleon, wore kekois and felt the sun on your face and the warm earth under your feet, you LIVED!
So whatever it is that might scare you in the future, make you doubt yourself, make you feel like you cannot do it... Think about Africa...Smile...and just go for it!...Because you can! Because I believe in you!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Weddings, People, Vanilla and Hazelnut Tea and Love, Loads Of Love!
It's Sunday!
I woke up with the rain hitting against my window, the cold breeze. There is something magical about staying in bed when it is raining like that, something about lingering in your warm bed, I love it. Soon though I had to get out of bed to go to church, Mr.B made some coffee, even though I had told Lisa I was going to have tea this morning I could not resist the temptation of fresh, nice, yummy coffee.
When we arrived at church we found out there was gonna be a wedding in the service( that is again one of the amazing things about Africa), a wedding! I had a blast, a taste of an African wedding, lovely! I was blessed.It was just like a western wedding, except people were dressed way more fancy, and it was much more heart warming.
We had a lovely lunch at a Chinese restaurant, with a couple that are friends with the Borden's. They are really nice and sweet couple, and it was so nice to have met them and their cute kids. Some of the faces that are written on my heart.
I am now sitting at home, writing on my blog and sipping heaven from a cup of tea.
The most amazing tea I have ever had.
Vanilla and Hazelnut with a taste of ginger, cinnamon and cardamon. I am in love with it!
Add to this Sunday recipe a lot of love,and Mr. Trevor Borden's music and you will have a sense of what my Sunday has been like...Heaven!
Everyone should have a Sunday like this, everyone should enjoy time to relax, everyone should come to Africa, everyone should...LIVE!
I have my bags to pack, my room here to tidy, my teaching shelf to go through, but right now I am just gonna enjoy my peaceful moment and think about my little zen quote on my tea "Let your heart be your guide".
My heart tells me to relax, and enjoy, and sip my tea with calmness, and listen to my music, because it might be the last time, I actually have time to enjoy life, in a simple way, before I hit the street lights in Portugal!
I am thankful for this day,so thankful, if I were to die tomorrow I am pretty sure I would be ok with it. Of course there are a bunch of things I haven't done, but I sure did a lot of new fun things here, and actually LIVED. So then I guess I would be ok, it's no fun to die if you have never lived, but I have lived, maybe not to the fullest, but to some amazing degree. My soul rejoices in that, my heart is glad!
So here is a little tea message for you all...The beauty in you, is in your spirit!!!!!
I feel beautiful!
I woke up with the rain hitting against my window, the cold breeze. There is something magical about staying in bed when it is raining like that, something about lingering in your warm bed, I love it. Soon though I had to get out of bed to go to church, Mr.B made some coffee, even though I had told Lisa I was going to have tea this morning I could not resist the temptation of fresh, nice, yummy coffee.
When we arrived at church we found out there was gonna be a wedding in the service( that is again one of the amazing things about Africa), a wedding! I had a blast, a taste of an African wedding, lovely! I was blessed.It was just like a western wedding, except people were dressed way more fancy, and it was much more heart warming.
We had a lovely lunch at a Chinese restaurant, with a couple that are friends with the Borden's. They are really nice and sweet couple, and it was so nice to have met them and their cute kids. Some of the faces that are written on my heart.
I am now sitting at home, writing on my blog and sipping heaven from a cup of tea.
The most amazing tea I have ever had.
Vanilla and Hazelnut with a taste of ginger, cinnamon and cardamon. I am in love with it!
Add to this Sunday recipe a lot of love,and Mr. Trevor Borden's music and you will have a sense of what my Sunday has been like...Heaven!
Everyone should have a Sunday like this, everyone should enjoy time to relax, everyone should come to Africa, everyone should...LIVE!
I have my bags to pack, my room here to tidy, my teaching shelf to go through, but right now I am just gonna enjoy my peaceful moment and think about my little zen quote on my tea "Let your heart be your guide".
My heart tells me to relax, and enjoy, and sip my tea with calmness, and listen to my music, because it might be the last time, I actually have time to enjoy life, in a simple way, before I hit the street lights in Portugal!
I am thankful for this day,so thankful, if I were to die tomorrow I am pretty sure I would be ok with it. Of course there are a bunch of things I haven't done, but I sure did a lot of new fun things here, and actually LIVED. So then I guess I would be ok, it's no fun to die if you have never lived, but I have lived, maybe not to the fullest, but to some amazing degree. My soul rejoices in that, my heart is glad!
So here is a little tea message for you all...The beauty in you, is in your spirit!!!!!
I feel beautiful!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
And My Soul Is Torn In Two!
I am back from having tea at one of my African ladies house! I had a lovely time, I never had such great ginger tea ever.I made a nice good-bye card, drew myself near Mt.Meru, kind of like I was hiking and the green, green grass below me, the grass that will surface after the rains fall. On the back I wrote see you soon(in Swahili), inside I wrote in English and in Kiswahili the same message and I was as excited as a 5 year old making mamma a gift, actually my card looked like a 5 year old had made it, my art senses were never very good. My African lady loved it and I felt so warm and fuzzy inside about it.
She made us all ginger tea and we all sat around sipping tea and chatting, then the little boys(her two sons and one of the neighbor's kids) prayed for Mr. B's back that has been hurting forever and I thought that was just so cute, but then my lady said she wanted to pray for me. I don't understand squat of Swahili if someone is talking quite fast, but something inside me was all emotional and I cried, I cried because I love her, I cried because I am leaving, I cried because Africa changed me, I cried because I don't know when I'll be back again, I cried because no matter what the circumstances of her life might be this lady had invited me into her home for tea, someone she just met, someone she has no idea how she changed,a mzungu, I just cried.
SO my soul is torn in two! It wants to go to Portugal and hug friends, family, smell the ocean, run on the paredão, watch the sunset at the beach, sleep in my bed with all my windows open, but it also wants to jump on the trampoline, feel the warm dirt under my feet, smell the rain, go camping and hiking, make ugali and cabbage with the ladies and sing.
I have ambivalent feelings and that is something I am not quite used to. I am the love or hate kind of person, no inbetween's, no loving two things or people exactly the same.
Here I am 3 days before going home with deep sadness, and deep happiness too.
Life is funny sometimes, God does have a twisted sense of humor, what can I do but laugh despite of myself?
This is not my good-bye post yet, it was just a moment, one more moment in the bigger picture of my time here.
Africa is where I feel closer to God, where I saw God, where I felt God.
That thought alone will strike everyone as odd. I say, come to Africa and you will see!
Africa, kwa heri ya kuonana!!!!!
She made us all ginger tea and we all sat around sipping tea and chatting, then the little boys(her two sons and one of the neighbor's kids) prayed for Mr. B's back that has been hurting forever and I thought that was just so cute, but then my lady said she wanted to pray for me. I don't understand squat of Swahili if someone is talking quite fast, but something inside me was all emotional and I cried, I cried because I love her, I cried because I am leaving, I cried because Africa changed me, I cried because I don't know when I'll be back again, I cried because no matter what the circumstances of her life might be this lady had invited me into her home for tea, someone she just met, someone she has no idea how she changed,a mzungu, I just cried.
SO my soul is torn in two! It wants to go to Portugal and hug friends, family, smell the ocean, run on the paredão, watch the sunset at the beach, sleep in my bed with all my windows open, but it also wants to jump on the trampoline, feel the warm dirt under my feet, smell the rain, go camping and hiking, make ugali and cabbage with the ladies and sing.
I have ambivalent feelings and that is something I am not quite used to. I am the love or hate kind of person, no inbetween's, no loving two things or people exactly the same.
Here I am 3 days before going home with deep sadness, and deep happiness too.
Life is funny sometimes, God does have a twisted sense of humor, what can I do but laugh despite of myself?
This is not my good-bye post yet, it was just a moment, one more moment in the bigger picture of my time here.
Africa is where I feel closer to God, where I saw God, where I felt God.
That thought alone will strike everyone as odd. I say, come to Africa and you will see!
Africa, kwa heri ya kuonana!!!!!
Friday, March 27, 2009
Blah
I had this really awesome post I was going to write, I worked my ass off finding info and researching and I was really going to put a lot of effort into it, but the stress from the last couple of days about work and all these feelings about the time to leave caught up with me today. I am not feeling good, and am really tired so today there will be no interesting post, maybe tomorrow when I feel better.
I had such a good day though, I got to go shopping for some stuff which made me happy and had lunch at this Ethiopian restaurant, but I guess my body and my mind are not very happy with me lately so they are warning me. I know the feeling and I know the pain and I know exactly why and when I get it. It sucks having chronic anemia, it sucks that it makes me tired, it sucks that no one has figured out what is wrong with me and it sucks that my body rejects iron and it sucks that when I am stressed it just makes everything worse.It just sucks!
I don't really want to talk about my medical issues on my blog, it is a bit too much for me, but I just let the frustration out on that one, because I really hate anemia, actually I hate my body right now, it is just annoying me so much.
Maybe some other day if I feel inspired I will share my lovely in's and out's on doctors, anemia, and check -ups that just end up finding more stuff wrong with one's already very messed up body. For now I will limit myself to lay on the hammock cursing my blood quietly, while feeling the breeze,hopefully tomorrow I will get to write my hard working great post I have all the notes for in front of me.
Life sometimes sucks even laying in a hammock in Africa, at least I got a lovely Maasai blanket I bought to comfort me.
Something had to be good!
I had such a good day though, I got to go shopping for some stuff which made me happy and had lunch at this Ethiopian restaurant, but I guess my body and my mind are not very happy with me lately so they are warning me. I know the feeling and I know the pain and I know exactly why and when I get it. It sucks having chronic anemia, it sucks that it makes me tired, it sucks that no one has figured out what is wrong with me and it sucks that my body rejects iron and it sucks that when I am stressed it just makes everything worse.It just sucks!
I don't really want to talk about my medical issues on my blog, it is a bit too much for me, but I just let the frustration out on that one, because I really hate anemia, actually I hate my body right now, it is just annoying me so much.
Maybe some other day if I feel inspired I will share my lovely in's and out's on doctors, anemia, and check -ups that just end up finding more stuff wrong with one's already very messed up body. For now I will limit myself to lay on the hammock cursing my blood quietly, while feeling the breeze,hopefully tomorrow I will get to write my hard working great post I have all the notes for in front of me.
Life sometimes sucks even laying in a hammock in Africa, at least I got a lovely Maasai blanket I bought to comfort me.
Something had to be good!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
The Wonders Of Relationships(as in romance)
I have dated some, by some I mean I have learned enough not to make the same mistakes again and to realize that reality works a lot differently than the romance crap we read and see on TV with of course some exceptions.I have dated older men and younger men and let me tell you they are all the same. I have gone through heartbreak, sadness, crying, and a lot of puzzlement. Boys are really fantastic creatures and think completely different than us, that is a fact.Every girl wants a Nicholas Sparks kind of love story, but unless you are one of the exceptions(which I think happens to 1 in a million girls, you are more than welcome to disagree with me, it is just MY opinion) I would stick to reality and enjoy.
I am not the most romantic person, but I have my moments.
Talking to my friend this quote came up, I love the Anne Of Green Gables series and this quote is from one of the books it goes:
"Perhaps after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare like a gay knight riding down.Perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways".
We all expect love to arrive and sweep us off our feet, give us butterflies and make us go dizzy, I don't know about you but I don't really like feeling dizzy at all.
I like to know what to expect and believe me when I say, those butterflies might soon turn to quizziness. I believe though, that if you don't risk it you will never learn. If you have the butterflies go for it, if you enjoy spending time with that one person go for it, because I guarantee that you will come out of that relationship if it works or if it doesn't a changed person, probably hurt and/or sad if it does not work, but a different person. You won't ever make the same mistakes, you will learn how to listen instead of just complaining, you will see through masks guys sometimes use, you will become a better person, even if you think you are a total mess. Mess brings beauty forth!
I dated one guy when I was 19, ten years older than me. I fell in love with his charm, his funny personality, his smile, his sweetness and his car:P lol
I remember my friend suggesting we date and looking at him and smiling. That Christmas while watching the Holiday we kind of quietly agreed on dating(you can't really be loud in the movies you know:P) I was surprised he wanted to date me because we made the most unusual couple, he was a preppy guy and I seemed like I was always wearing the rainbow and walking on clouds.
He used to take me on joy rides and had this imagination I never thought possible for someone who worked in an office. He used to surprise me at work and go pick me up for coffee. I LOVED him, but I was also 19.
I could not understand the long hours of work, the days I did not as so much receive a message, and then got 3 or 4 saying how beautiful and amazing I was and how much he liked me, and most of all I was scared. All that age difference scared me, I was aware I was a child, I was aware he worked with people everyday, and met women, real women, every day. That made me insecure, and being insecure does not go well with my controlling personality. I like to have control over me and my feelings and I could not control how I felt about him, or my fear of losing him, and them voices around me, telling me all these things just made me feel even worse. I cried, everyday for some reason or the other, I cried when he did not message me, I got mad when he told me he was working and would not be able to pick me up and worst of all I listened to the voices around me. That was a mistake! I should have listened to my heart, sat down and talked to him, ask him what was happening, if there was something I could do, if we could come to terms. I knew he loved me, I could see it, I could feel it, but that never matters when you choose to feed on your nasty thoughts.
3 months later I broke up with him, just like that, I gave him an ultimatum actually! I left the car without shedding a tear, but when I got home I cried like there would not be a tomorrow, and I cried the next day, and the next, and I was soooo sad I thought I was going to die. I didn't!
I felt like I would never be able to love again,like my life was ruined, like I wanted to be a nun. I did not want to see his face ever again, every time I thought about the things he did for me my heart hurt so much. Point is, I survived, it was hard, but I learned a lot about myself, a lot about relationships, a lot about men.
I learned that I sucked at saying how I felt, I learned that he was not a talkative man and I wanted him to be, I wanted him to be this person I had in my mind. I expected him to be perfect, and when he was not I was just frustrated, I never bothered to look at myself or my own defects. I never bothered to see it from his perspective, I was a brat. You might all say I lost nothing, he maybe was no meant for me. Maybe not, maybe he was, maybe, maybe, maybe, that is the worst part. It took me a while to let go, a looong while. I will always think about the what if!
I have apologies to make, and I wish I could just tell him everything that is on my mind,but like I have said, some things are meant for self. I am glad we are friends, and I am glad he has moved on. We both learned, I guess, from each other.
I wanted to mention this story, not because it has been the pebble on my shoe, but because it was the one story, the one man, who significantly changed me.From it I learnt how to be patient, listening and kind. If I had never given it a chance, if I was so filled with fear of loving and be loved I would have never learned. I am thankful about it.I would not trade it, but if I could I would change it. Well then again looking at my life right now maybe not, maybe it really was meant to be the way it was. I believe in certain people who are put in your life to change you, I have been that person, but on that one time, he was that person for me.
I love him still for that.
We learn, like Veronica Shoffstall said in her poem:
We learn and learn,
With Every good-bye we Learn:)
I am not the most romantic person, but I have my moments.
Talking to my friend this quote came up, I love the Anne Of Green Gables series and this quote is from one of the books it goes:
"Perhaps after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare like a gay knight riding down.Perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways".
We all expect love to arrive and sweep us off our feet, give us butterflies and make us go dizzy, I don't know about you but I don't really like feeling dizzy at all.
I like to know what to expect and believe me when I say, those butterflies might soon turn to quizziness. I believe though, that if you don't risk it you will never learn. If you have the butterflies go for it, if you enjoy spending time with that one person go for it, because I guarantee that you will come out of that relationship if it works or if it doesn't a changed person, probably hurt and/or sad if it does not work, but a different person. You won't ever make the same mistakes, you will learn how to listen instead of just complaining, you will see through masks guys sometimes use, you will become a better person, even if you think you are a total mess. Mess brings beauty forth!
I dated one guy when I was 19, ten years older than me. I fell in love with his charm, his funny personality, his smile, his sweetness and his car:P lol
I remember my friend suggesting we date and looking at him and smiling. That Christmas while watching the Holiday we kind of quietly agreed on dating(you can't really be loud in the movies you know:P) I was surprised he wanted to date me because we made the most unusual couple, he was a preppy guy and I seemed like I was always wearing the rainbow and walking on clouds.
He used to take me on joy rides and had this imagination I never thought possible for someone who worked in an office. He used to surprise me at work and go pick me up for coffee. I LOVED him, but I was also 19.
I could not understand the long hours of work, the days I did not as so much receive a message, and then got 3 or 4 saying how beautiful and amazing I was and how much he liked me, and most of all I was scared. All that age difference scared me, I was aware I was a child, I was aware he worked with people everyday, and met women, real women, every day. That made me insecure, and being insecure does not go well with my controlling personality. I like to have control over me and my feelings and I could not control how I felt about him, or my fear of losing him, and them voices around me, telling me all these things just made me feel even worse. I cried, everyday for some reason or the other, I cried when he did not message me, I got mad when he told me he was working and would not be able to pick me up and worst of all I listened to the voices around me. That was a mistake! I should have listened to my heart, sat down and talked to him, ask him what was happening, if there was something I could do, if we could come to terms. I knew he loved me, I could see it, I could feel it, but that never matters when you choose to feed on your nasty thoughts.
3 months later I broke up with him, just like that, I gave him an ultimatum actually! I left the car without shedding a tear, but when I got home I cried like there would not be a tomorrow, and I cried the next day, and the next, and I was soooo sad I thought I was going to die. I didn't!
I felt like I would never be able to love again,like my life was ruined, like I wanted to be a nun. I did not want to see his face ever again, every time I thought about the things he did for me my heart hurt so much. Point is, I survived, it was hard, but I learned a lot about myself, a lot about relationships, a lot about men.
I learned that I sucked at saying how I felt, I learned that he was not a talkative man and I wanted him to be, I wanted him to be this person I had in my mind. I expected him to be perfect, and when he was not I was just frustrated, I never bothered to look at myself or my own defects. I never bothered to see it from his perspective, I was a brat. You might all say I lost nothing, he maybe was no meant for me. Maybe not, maybe he was, maybe, maybe, maybe, that is the worst part. It took me a while to let go, a looong while. I will always think about the what if!
I have apologies to make, and I wish I could just tell him everything that is on my mind,but like I have said, some things are meant for self. I am glad we are friends, and I am glad he has moved on. We both learned, I guess, from each other.
I wanted to mention this story, not because it has been the pebble on my shoe, but because it was the one story, the one man, who significantly changed me.From it I learnt how to be patient, listening and kind. If I had never given it a chance, if I was so filled with fear of loving and be loved I would have never learned. I am thankful about it.I would not trade it, but if I could I would change it. Well then again looking at my life right now maybe not, maybe it really was meant to be the way it was. I believe in certain people who are put in your life to change you, I have been that person, but on that one time, he was that person for me.
I love him still for that.
We learn, like Veronica Shoffstall said in her poem:
We learn and learn,
With Every good-bye we Learn:)
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Oh The Stresses and Joys Of Job Hunting and How I Feel Today!
So from the thousands of emails I sent out with resumes I got one answer back...ONE!!!!!
The good part is even though I am still stressing I was filled with some hope too, the bad part, the ONE response I got back sounds fishy:P
I have done this thousands of times, the job hunting you know, and you eventually end up with this 6th sense about it. It is like you automatically know if you will nail that interview or not, if that offer is real or a bogus, you just know. I just know this job offer sounds fishy, but I am sticking with it since it was the only answer I got back.
What I have learned in the 5 years that I have been working is:
A) Be bold, boldness in a good way(which is the best I can explain) makes people interested in you. If you are scared your possible new boss will see through you and you might as well kiss that job good-bye.
B) Be honest, if you tell them you are punctual, assertive, hardworking,learn fast, you better make sure you really are, because on that first week of trial they will bring it on and either you do as you told them, or you are out of there.
C) Don't seem too eager, or else they will think you are desperate and walk all over you because they KNOW you need that job and it totally spoils it for the ones that are no ass kissers.
D) Communication. Being in a job where you have to interact with peers and clients, is just like being married. So communication is an essential factor in order to make it work. I could tell you dozens of stories of how very good work relationships ended in a bad mess because of lack of communication.
E) Always keep the distance. Do not make best friends with people above you, I am telling you right now it is a messy thing, because unless you both are awesome at separating business from relationship(and most times even if you are, your boss is not), distances keep your work, oh well, to be WORK! It does not mean you cannot interact in a friendly way with the people above you, it just means that some things are meant to be kept to self.
F)Peers. Now this is a sticky one, I have made very good friends with people I have worked with, I have fought with people I have worked with and some people I have worked with just wanted to nail me in order to raise. So how do you know?
You DON'T! On this one you mostly have to follow your gut, and if you are like me most likely you will fall on your butt, get your feelings hurt, and have to make things clear once in a while to certain people. Be especially careful of those who absolutely adore you, those are dangerous little weasels. If someone loves you more than your own mama, you're in big trouble.
When I was 19 I became the youngest manager in the chain of clothes store I worked for. I did not want to be manager( I was 19 for goodness sake, lived on my own and thought I had my share of responsibility), but it really was not an offer it was more like an order and so I went. It lasted for 3 months, not that I was a bad manager, nope I was actually good at what I did,I had learned well, it had all to do with relationships. Not everyone is willing to have a 19 year old boss(even though the last thing I felt like was that) and I was not ready to have someone question my authority(I have learned better)in every single decision I made. I crumbled! Good thing you learn from your mistakes, if it happened now I would probably have been a little more listening, and had done a better job at communicating instead of letting things get as far as they did, which ended up with me leaving the store crying, asking for my relocation at some other store(thumbs up for me for running away) and letting this person become manager of that one store.This will make you think I am crazy, but today we are friends, I talk to her and hear her complaints and we both agreed we had not been very fair to each other. Life is funny!
From then on I decided I was never going to crumble again and so far I haven't. I have worked with people who have literally made my life miserable, I have worked with people who I loved working with and when they left I left too(that is a good boss, someone who is so good that if you can't work with them you leave too, especially when you know who the new boss is going to be:P)
I usually don't give up on the bad bosses, they are usually stressed, angry people with personal problems, other times they really are just assholes, but I find in this challenge and until I win their respect I don't usually leave, I guess I am a masochist.I have a vast CV, I have done so many different things it blows my mind. Some of them I hated, some of them I loved, but in all of them I came out a different person and learned so much more than I would have learned in college. I know everything about logistics, I know about merchandising, I know about what sells and what doesn't, how to make people buy, and I can fix computers and printers on my own.I love dealing with people and so I have grown in that area too, I got to meet a lot of people, and I have had a job interview that I nailed the job, with no make-up, all sweaty from running and in running clothes and shoes to work at a perfume shop where you had to look like a doll:D
I am friends wit all my ex bosses, which goes against my prior advice, but because I have gone through so much crap in these relationships I figured that was a wise advice to give, but in the end it is a choice we make.
I stress, but that is just who I am, I am pretty sure I can get a job, it might take me a week when I go back, I might have to talk to my connections, I might end up again at the mall, but I guess I am ready for that. Time here in Africa gave me the rest I needed from humanity and malls and crazy people and confusion. It scares me that I might get all worked up in a new mall job, that once again I will forget what I love. I have done it in the past, when I have a consuming job that entertains me I work at it more than I should. That is probably why when I get tired, I feel like making all malls, stores or places you have to deal with nasty people blow up:P
I also have people that make me want to wake up every morning and go to work, people that come to where you work to say hi, ask you how you are doing and bring you chocolate, those are the clients I live for.
If I sound conceited when I speak I beg your pardon, but I am not, I just know my worth in what I do, and I AM good with people, I DO learn fast and I work HARD, know your worth might be good advice too, don't be cocky, but know your strengths and also you weaknesses so no one can use them against you.
It is a jungle out there in the real world, worse than being in the bush in Africa I am telling you, but the satisfaction in knowing your worth and doing your job successfully is priceless.
I feel a lot better today.
Continue praying for a job for me, and hopefully my advice might in some way help you out.
Today I choose to not be stressed and just trust:D
Tei
The good part is even though I am still stressing I was filled with some hope too, the bad part, the ONE response I got back sounds fishy:P
I have done this thousands of times, the job hunting you know, and you eventually end up with this 6th sense about it. It is like you automatically know if you will nail that interview or not, if that offer is real or a bogus, you just know. I just know this job offer sounds fishy, but I am sticking with it since it was the only answer I got back.
What I have learned in the 5 years that I have been working is:
A) Be bold, boldness in a good way(which is the best I can explain) makes people interested in you. If you are scared your possible new boss will see through you and you might as well kiss that job good-bye.
B) Be honest, if you tell them you are punctual, assertive, hardworking,learn fast, you better make sure you really are, because on that first week of trial they will bring it on and either you do as you told them, or you are out of there.
C) Don't seem too eager, or else they will think you are desperate and walk all over you because they KNOW you need that job and it totally spoils it for the ones that are no ass kissers.
D) Communication. Being in a job where you have to interact with peers and clients, is just like being married. So communication is an essential factor in order to make it work. I could tell you dozens of stories of how very good work relationships ended in a bad mess because of lack of communication.
E) Always keep the distance. Do not make best friends with people above you, I am telling you right now it is a messy thing, because unless you both are awesome at separating business from relationship(and most times even if you are, your boss is not), distances keep your work, oh well, to be WORK! It does not mean you cannot interact in a friendly way with the people above you, it just means that some things are meant to be kept to self.
F)Peers. Now this is a sticky one, I have made very good friends with people I have worked with, I have fought with people I have worked with and some people I have worked with just wanted to nail me in order to raise. So how do you know?
You DON'T! On this one you mostly have to follow your gut, and if you are like me most likely you will fall on your butt, get your feelings hurt, and have to make things clear once in a while to certain people. Be especially careful of those who absolutely adore you, those are dangerous little weasels. If someone loves you more than your own mama, you're in big trouble.
When I was 19 I became the youngest manager in the chain of clothes store I worked for. I did not want to be manager( I was 19 for goodness sake, lived on my own and thought I had my share of responsibility), but it really was not an offer it was more like an order and so I went. It lasted for 3 months, not that I was a bad manager, nope I was actually good at what I did,I had learned well, it had all to do with relationships. Not everyone is willing to have a 19 year old boss(even though the last thing I felt like was that) and I was not ready to have someone question my authority(I have learned better)in every single decision I made. I crumbled! Good thing you learn from your mistakes, if it happened now I would probably have been a little more listening, and had done a better job at communicating instead of letting things get as far as they did, which ended up with me leaving the store crying, asking for my relocation at some other store(thumbs up for me for running away) and letting this person become manager of that one store.This will make you think I am crazy, but today we are friends, I talk to her and hear her complaints and we both agreed we had not been very fair to each other. Life is funny!
From then on I decided I was never going to crumble again and so far I haven't. I have worked with people who have literally made my life miserable, I have worked with people who I loved working with and when they left I left too(that is a good boss, someone who is so good that if you can't work with them you leave too, especially when you know who the new boss is going to be:P)
I usually don't give up on the bad bosses, they are usually stressed, angry people with personal problems, other times they really are just assholes, but I find in this challenge and until I win their respect I don't usually leave, I guess I am a masochist.I have a vast CV, I have done so many different things it blows my mind. Some of them I hated, some of them I loved, but in all of them I came out a different person and learned so much more than I would have learned in college. I know everything about logistics, I know about merchandising, I know about what sells and what doesn't, how to make people buy, and I can fix computers and printers on my own.I love dealing with people and so I have grown in that area too, I got to meet a lot of people, and I have had a job interview that I nailed the job, with no make-up, all sweaty from running and in running clothes and shoes to work at a perfume shop where you had to look like a doll:D
I am friends wit all my ex bosses, which goes against my prior advice, but because I have gone through so much crap in these relationships I figured that was a wise advice to give, but in the end it is a choice we make.
I stress, but that is just who I am, I am pretty sure I can get a job, it might take me a week when I go back, I might have to talk to my connections, I might end up again at the mall, but I guess I am ready for that. Time here in Africa gave me the rest I needed from humanity and malls and crazy people and confusion. It scares me that I might get all worked up in a new mall job, that once again I will forget what I love. I have done it in the past, when I have a consuming job that entertains me I work at it more than I should. That is probably why when I get tired, I feel like making all malls, stores or places you have to deal with nasty people blow up:P
I also have people that make me want to wake up every morning and go to work, people that come to where you work to say hi, ask you how you are doing and bring you chocolate, those are the clients I live for.
If I sound conceited when I speak I beg your pardon, but I am not, I just know my worth in what I do, and I AM good with people, I DO learn fast and I work HARD, know your worth might be good advice too, don't be cocky, but know your strengths and also you weaknesses so no one can use them against you.
It is a jungle out there in the real world, worse than being in the bush in Africa I am telling you, but the satisfaction in knowing your worth and doing your job successfully is priceless.
I feel a lot better today.
Continue praying for a job for me, and hopefully my advice might in some way help you out.
Today I choose to not be stressed and just trust:D
Tei
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
In Search Of A Job That Does Not Involve Fairy Dust
So it is back to reality in a week! Therefore and because my initial plan fell through I must find a job. Quickly!!!!!
My responsible side is now nagging me and so I have to be good about it, and my other side starts telling me how irresponsible I am, how I should have never come on this trip, how do I intend to pay for bills when I get back, or even right now for that matter. It kind of just makes me want to cry and go back in time, despite of all I have learned, enjoyed and saw these past 6 weeks in Africa.
My mind feels like a flushing toilet right now! I have sent resumes, to hotels, schools, malls, and every other possible job you can think of besides whoring.
My boyfriend has more faith in me than I do, because for some reason he thinks I am going to nail a really awesome job, to be honest right now I would just be happy with a cleaning job that paid me 500 euros, any offers?????
I can clean and be a writer, it actually sounds like it could be a novel and all:)
The time is nearing, and honestly I just want to run away for all these different reasons, but either I get a job soon or I might have to contemplate suicide, homelessness or...no i don't even want to think about it.
Experience has taught me I am an over thinker, I stress about problems I do not have yet, but I like to play on the safe side and right now I want a job SO I CAN ENJOY MY LAST DAYS HERE IN PEACE WITHOUT FEELING LIKE I WILL CRY EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT GOING HOME!See, stress, I am sure one day it will make something burst in my brain and I will die.
I thought writing would make me feel better, but really it is not, so maybe I should just go back to my crusade of Resume sending.
Getting a job is a lot like hunting, you have to be smart, sneaky and prepared!
Pray for me!!!!!!
My responsible side is now nagging me and so I have to be good about it, and my other side starts telling me how irresponsible I am, how I should have never come on this trip, how do I intend to pay for bills when I get back, or even right now for that matter. It kind of just makes me want to cry and go back in time, despite of all I have learned, enjoyed and saw these past 6 weeks in Africa.
My mind feels like a flushing toilet right now! I have sent resumes, to hotels, schools, malls, and every other possible job you can think of besides whoring.
My boyfriend has more faith in me than I do, because for some reason he thinks I am going to nail a really awesome job, to be honest right now I would just be happy with a cleaning job that paid me 500 euros, any offers?????
I can clean and be a writer, it actually sounds like it could be a novel and all:)
The time is nearing, and honestly I just want to run away for all these different reasons, but either I get a job soon or I might have to contemplate suicide, homelessness or...no i don't even want to think about it.
Experience has taught me I am an over thinker, I stress about problems I do not have yet, but I like to play on the safe side and right now I want a job SO I CAN ENJOY MY LAST DAYS HERE IN PEACE WITHOUT FEELING LIKE I WILL CRY EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT GOING HOME!See, stress, I am sure one day it will make something burst in my brain and I will die.
I thought writing would make me feel better, but really it is not, so maybe I should just go back to my crusade of Resume sending.
Getting a job is a lot like hunting, you have to be smart, sneaky and prepared!
Pray for me!!!!!!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Tehur's Poetry
No Return
We had our time
We said good-bye,
We left each other falling apart.
We moved on and forgot,
All that had happened, all we had learned.
You made me laugh, you made me smile, made me feel like a fairy flower.
Like an ocean crashing on a body you made me feel like a new love story.
Cared for me, wanted me,
Held me when in agony, but left me,
Somewhere in between to be somebody else's property.
And now, and now
There is no return, I am some other man's tune.
Thoughts:
Thoughts in a maze
Thoughts confused in silence.
I am blue
I am yellow
I am pink
I am green
I am a halepino pepper
There ain't no bottom
Emmylou Harris:P
I hear:
I hear the birds chirping
I hear the flies buzz
I hear the soft breeze passing above, near the sky.
I hear my heart beating, the rhythm of sadness,
Of having to leave such beauty,
i have learned to love.
I hear the voices in my mind, having conflictous thoughts and fights.
My heart beats to the melody, my mind only plays harmony.And so I sigh!
Why is listening to self so difficult, in the midst of this peace?
Why is a war happening within me when all around me is bliss?
Alive(this one is still a rough draft)
How alive am I willing to be everyday?
How alive am I willing to be for you?
How alive am I willing to be today?
How alive am I willing to be to follow my dreams?
How alive am I willing to be, when everyone around me is dead??????
This one does not have a name:
I see the children play, I hear their laughter.
Card games, pranks, badmitton, sun bathing.
I see the Mountain Of God, right in front of my eyes and imagine how heaven shall look one day, just maybe with the sea nearby.
I smell the smell of the earth.
So clean, so pure, so alive.
Like I could actually ask anything and get an answer from it.
Even the flies have a part in this theater that's my life.
Oh the smell of the earth is the smell I wish my soul had. The sweet smell of life!!!!
So this is a scoop of my poetry, I ad not touched it in years, they are so not good at all, but they were my start or restart. I love how alive poetry makes me feel, how my feelings actually come to life. They are work in progress.
We had our time
We said good-bye,
We left each other falling apart.
We moved on and forgot,
All that had happened, all we had learned.
You made me laugh, you made me smile, made me feel like a fairy flower.
Like an ocean crashing on a body you made me feel like a new love story.
Cared for me, wanted me,
Held me when in agony, but left me,
Somewhere in between to be somebody else's property.
And now, and now
There is no return, I am some other man's tune.
Thoughts:
Thoughts in a maze
Thoughts confused in silence.
I am blue
I am yellow
I am pink
I am green
I am a halepino pepper
There ain't no bottom
Emmylou Harris:P
I hear:
I hear the birds chirping
I hear the flies buzz
I hear the soft breeze passing above, near the sky.
I hear my heart beating, the rhythm of sadness,
Of having to leave such beauty,
i have learned to love.
I hear the voices in my mind, having conflictous thoughts and fights.
My heart beats to the melody, my mind only plays harmony.And so I sigh!
Why is listening to self so difficult, in the midst of this peace?
Why is a war happening within me when all around me is bliss?
Alive(this one is still a rough draft)
How alive am I willing to be everyday?
How alive am I willing to be for you?
How alive am I willing to be today?
How alive am I willing to be to follow my dreams?
How alive am I willing to be, when everyone around me is dead??????
This one does not have a name:
I see the children play, I hear their laughter.
Card games, pranks, badmitton, sun bathing.
I see the Mountain Of God, right in front of my eyes and imagine how heaven shall look one day, just maybe with the sea nearby.
I smell the smell of the earth.
So clean, so pure, so alive.
Like I could actually ask anything and get an answer from it.
Even the flies have a part in this theater that's my life.
Oh the smell of the earth is the smell I wish my soul had. The sweet smell of life!!!!
So this is a scoop of my poetry, I ad not touched it in years, they are so not good at all, but they were my start or restart. I love how alive poetry makes me feel, how my feelings actually come to life. They are work in progress.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
I Am A Princess
Hello my lovely people who follow my blog(the 3 up there on the right corner, you are awesome).
I am back from a weekend at a lovely place called Sidai(Sidai is the Maasai word for, good, beautiful and...OSTRICH! Go figure). It was such a nice place, with a breath taking view of the Mountain of the God(which also has this maasai name, but I won´t adventure on spelling it here).
Really the view would make you want to cry, the sunset with pink and gray and the clouds, beautiful...you would feel like you were in Heaven(I secretly hope Heaven is going to look something like some of the places I have been to here in Africa, just with the ocean nearby).
The lodge houses were the most romantic place you would have ever seen, a simple construction that was able to be simple, yet comfortable, and romantic while very practical. I fell in love with 2 particular things, the bed, that was right in front of the balcony doors(in the morning we would open these doors and have tea on our porch admiring the view) and had a mosquito net and we are all aware of how much I love mosquito nets, and then the bathroom, yes the bathroom, for someone who has bathed in rivers and peed with a view, having this lovely bathroom with the most lovely shower you have ever seen was like giving a kid candy. So I guess we can all say that this was for sure not camping, it was more being thrown in a 5 star lodge to be pampered and taken care of all day. I absolutely loved it, but not to make a habit out of it(as if I would ever be able to say that being at a place like that is a habit of mine).
The only reason I got to go was because of some really nice people, the people I know know, who were so very sweet to invite us for such a weekend. Really I cannot better describe this place that maybe think about peace, quiet, animal sounds, heat, nice comforters, beautiful bathroom, amazing view, and yummy food and yes my friends that is exactly where I spent these 2 most amazing days.
Getting there is certainly not my favorite part, it takes 3 hrs and the roads are bumpy and I might have mentioned my problem with motion sickness, even when not in motion at all, just the thought of bumpy roads makes my tummy go wild. I managed, though to survive and it was all very worth my while, sitting around the campfire having a glass of red wine, yes, yes very worth it. On day number 2 Mr.B, Colin and I went out to look for leopards, even though I have been praying to see one I must tell you I was a tid bit nervous, but Mr.B made an offer I was not going to refuse. He let me drive the Land Cruiser! THE LAND CRUISER PEOPLE!!!!!It´s a car(with wheels and stuff), well a jeep, and I got to drive it, and it was so AWESOME, I am quite certain it beats the bathroom by tons. I felt like I could do anything, actually I have been getting that feeling a lot lately, like I can do anything.Hopefully it won´t send me flying off of buildings and stuff, because I am sure that would kill my grandma. Going back to the jeep, so we drove for a while, and I only let it die once and then we stopped and looked out for the leopards. I am starting to think leopards don´t want to meet me, because I haven´t seen any, but Mr. Cerval Cat must have thought I made some yummy dinner, with all the meat I have gained since I am here, he paid us a visit, what a vision from the Land Cruiser´s roof! Let me tell you, it might have beaten that sunset view too.
And so this was my weekend that prevented me from writing for 2 days, but I think you won´t hate me too much when you read this. I enjoyed my free time reading Ms.Lammot´s book(because even though she gave me a reality check, she is one funny lady and any christian lady who ain´t afraid of profanity sure deserves my time and whole attention), and wrote on my journal,some really lovely entries, some really scared ones of the time to come, some really romantic ones, some ideas and et voila- poetry! I have not touched poetry for the longest time, either to read it or write it and out in Sidai camp it just overflowed me and so I wrote my guts out on my journal. I will take a look and maybe post some, some are not ok yet and some will never be posted on this blog, but I felt so good writing it, it just brought my soul back to feeling.Poetry is my way of feeling... I love it! It makes me feel like my soul, might after all, be alive.
I don´t think that feeling like a princess(title of this post) has anything to do with castles, prince´s, fairy tales or anything like that, I think it has to do with the way you secretly think of yourself, the way you see yourself, the way you perceive yourself and I came back from this little retreat absolutely feeling like one.
I hope I will continue feeling like one...
I am a Princess:)
I am back from a weekend at a lovely place called Sidai(Sidai is the Maasai word for, good, beautiful and...OSTRICH! Go figure). It was such a nice place, with a breath taking view of the Mountain of the God(which also has this maasai name, but I won´t adventure on spelling it here).
Really the view would make you want to cry, the sunset with pink and gray and the clouds, beautiful...you would feel like you were in Heaven(I secretly hope Heaven is going to look something like some of the places I have been to here in Africa, just with the ocean nearby).
The lodge houses were the most romantic place you would have ever seen, a simple construction that was able to be simple, yet comfortable, and romantic while very practical. I fell in love with 2 particular things, the bed, that was right in front of the balcony doors(in the morning we would open these doors and have tea on our porch admiring the view) and had a mosquito net and we are all aware of how much I love mosquito nets, and then the bathroom, yes the bathroom, for someone who has bathed in rivers and peed with a view, having this lovely bathroom with the most lovely shower you have ever seen was like giving a kid candy. So I guess we can all say that this was for sure not camping, it was more being thrown in a 5 star lodge to be pampered and taken care of all day. I absolutely loved it, but not to make a habit out of it(as if I would ever be able to say that being at a place like that is a habit of mine).
The only reason I got to go was because of some really nice people, the people I know know, who were so very sweet to invite us for such a weekend. Really I cannot better describe this place that maybe think about peace, quiet, animal sounds, heat, nice comforters, beautiful bathroom, amazing view, and yummy food and yes my friends that is exactly where I spent these 2 most amazing days.
Getting there is certainly not my favorite part, it takes 3 hrs and the roads are bumpy and I might have mentioned my problem with motion sickness, even when not in motion at all, just the thought of bumpy roads makes my tummy go wild. I managed, though to survive and it was all very worth my while, sitting around the campfire having a glass of red wine, yes, yes very worth it. On day number 2 Mr.B, Colin and I went out to look for leopards, even though I have been praying to see one I must tell you I was a tid bit nervous, but Mr.B made an offer I was not going to refuse. He let me drive the Land Cruiser! THE LAND CRUISER PEOPLE!!!!!It´s a car(with wheels and stuff), well a jeep, and I got to drive it, and it was so AWESOME, I am quite certain it beats the bathroom by tons. I felt like I could do anything, actually I have been getting that feeling a lot lately, like I can do anything.Hopefully it won´t send me flying off of buildings and stuff, because I am sure that would kill my grandma. Going back to the jeep, so we drove for a while, and I only let it die once and then we stopped and looked out for the leopards. I am starting to think leopards don´t want to meet me, because I haven´t seen any, but Mr. Cerval Cat must have thought I made some yummy dinner, with all the meat I have gained since I am here, he paid us a visit, what a vision from the Land Cruiser´s roof! Let me tell you, it might have beaten that sunset view too.
And so this was my weekend that prevented me from writing for 2 days, but I think you won´t hate me too much when you read this. I enjoyed my free time reading Ms.Lammot´s book(because even though she gave me a reality check, she is one funny lady and any christian lady who ain´t afraid of profanity sure deserves my time and whole attention), and wrote on my journal,some really lovely entries, some really scared ones of the time to come, some really romantic ones, some ideas and et voila- poetry! I have not touched poetry for the longest time, either to read it or write it and out in Sidai camp it just overflowed me and so I wrote my guts out on my journal. I will take a look and maybe post some, some are not ok yet and some will never be posted on this blog, but I felt so good writing it, it just brought my soul back to feeling.Poetry is my way of feeling... I love it! It makes me feel like my soul, might after all, be alive.
I don´t think that feeling like a princess(title of this post) has anything to do with castles, prince´s, fairy tales or anything like that, I think it has to do with the way you secretly think of yourself, the way you see yourself, the way you perceive yourself and I came back from this little retreat absolutely feeling like one.
I hope I will continue feeling like one...
I am a Princess:)
Friday, March 20, 2009
Reality Why Do You Continually Have To Spoil My Fun???
I am bummed!!!!!!So bummed!!!!!Oh, my dream was just washed away by a wave of reality.
I hate reality...It sneaks behind you, and before you know your dream is snatched away.
Lately I had been envisioning myself as a famous author, as in a writer, a person who writes books, in the lines of Nicholas Sparks meets Elizabeth Gilbert and have tea with Charles Dickens sort of way. How beautiful it was, the talks I had with my imaginary people, the ideas I had for my successful books. I dream big my friends, I don't dream dreams like, "oh, yeah I will write a book and then try really hard to be published." Nope I KNEW I was going to be published, and I KNEW my book was going to be a success, when it was written of course.
I was going to be featured on The New York Times as the most promising young author of our generation, my picture was gonna be on one of those advertisement boards, and what was that smell I was smelling?????? PULITZER( I´d be happy with a Newberry Award too).
Who knows, maybe one day my book would be a major motion picture and I would see my lovely characters come to life. The possibilities were infinite, if it was not for 3 little reasons:
1) I totally missed the point of what it means to write
2) I was way out there over myself and my own dreams, forgetting my capacities and just thinking about success.
3) I read an Anne Lamott book about writing and it slapped me in the face to wake me up from my delirium.
Maybe one day I will be a published author, maybe I won´t ever publish a book, maybe I will publish one and it will be crap, but besides anything if I just get to write, that alone should make me happy. I have a lot of good ideas, of that I am aware and I won't ne humble about it because I know my capacities on that specific area, but actually sitting down and getting them to paper it is a whole different story, and I am far, far away from being a great writer, I need to build callus. Today almost any asshole with connections(and even sometimes without them) gets published, and becomes a bestseller, I have read some of those books and they make me sick. I can only imagine Shakespeare revolving in his grave. I would often thought if some books like that can get published so could I. What lame train of thought, I want to be published because I am GOOD and have POTENTIAL, not because my books are a little better than those crappy ones.
Now that my airs of grandeur have been slapped by my friend reality i am ready to work my butt off on this. Nothing like hard work to really make you realize what success should taste like.And even if it never happens, what a great adventure to write about..."The Unpublished Author" or "Memoirs of an Unpublished Author" hahaha something really funny would sure come out of it.
I am not completely in love with this Reality that has spoiled my dream like this, I was happy dreaming it every night, but I don't hate it either. I needed that slap.
This "famous" author here needs to go pack for camping, because I am not "famous" enough to have somebody do it for me yet.
Tell you all about my camping when I come back, pray we see a leopard:P
Au Revoir
I hate reality...It sneaks behind you, and before you know your dream is snatched away.
Lately I had been envisioning myself as a famous author, as in a writer, a person who writes books, in the lines of Nicholas Sparks meets Elizabeth Gilbert and have tea with Charles Dickens sort of way. How beautiful it was, the talks I had with my imaginary people, the ideas I had for my successful books. I dream big my friends, I don't dream dreams like, "oh, yeah I will write a book and then try really hard to be published." Nope I KNEW I was going to be published, and I KNEW my book was going to be a success, when it was written of course.
I was going to be featured on The New York Times as the most promising young author of our generation, my picture was gonna be on one of those advertisement boards, and what was that smell I was smelling?????? PULITZER( I´d be happy with a Newberry Award too).
Who knows, maybe one day my book would be a major motion picture and I would see my lovely characters come to life. The possibilities were infinite, if it was not for 3 little reasons:
1) I totally missed the point of what it means to write
2) I was way out there over myself and my own dreams, forgetting my capacities and just thinking about success.
3) I read an Anne Lamott book about writing and it slapped me in the face to wake me up from my delirium.
Maybe one day I will be a published author, maybe I won´t ever publish a book, maybe I will publish one and it will be crap, but besides anything if I just get to write, that alone should make me happy. I have a lot of good ideas, of that I am aware and I won't ne humble about it because I know my capacities on that specific area, but actually sitting down and getting them to paper it is a whole different story, and I am far, far away from being a great writer, I need to build callus. Today almost any asshole with connections(and even sometimes without them) gets published, and becomes a bestseller, I have read some of those books and they make me sick. I can only imagine Shakespeare revolving in his grave. I would often thought if some books like that can get published so could I. What lame train of thought, I want to be published because I am GOOD and have POTENTIAL, not because my books are a little better than those crappy ones.
Now that my airs of grandeur have been slapped by my friend reality i am ready to work my butt off on this. Nothing like hard work to really make you realize what success should taste like.And even if it never happens, what a great adventure to write about..."The Unpublished Author" or "Memoirs of an Unpublished Author" hahaha something really funny would sure come out of it.
I am not completely in love with this Reality that has spoiled my dream like this, I was happy dreaming it every night, but I don't hate it either. I needed that slap.
This "famous" author here needs to go pack for camping, because I am not "famous" enough to have somebody do it for me yet.
Tell you all about my camping when I come back, pray we see a leopard:P
Au Revoir
Thursday, March 19, 2009
My Dear Friend Peanut Butter
Dear Peanut Butter:
It has been lovely this friendship we have built over the years. Shared little joys, sadness, broken hearts, or pure bliss.
We have grown to appreciate each other´s company. You are a great listener and comforter mind you. Those nights that I could not sleep because I had a nightmare, or had too much coffee or simply because my mind was going over the days business in a thoughtful manner, you kept me company. Or those other times I just had a crappy day in school and all I craved was your smoothness and sweetness to appease my broken soul. That one time when I ran over my neighbor and he bit me, oh the rage of being grounded, that specific day I needed your crunchyness because I felt so ill treated and felt my punishment was unjust, you were there to help me cope with my rage.Thank you!
Or that special time of my first kiss, when I was so confused and couldn't quite understand what the hell was happening you were there to calm my heart while I processed information, I had you with jelly because of the ambivalence of my feelings.
Oh my dear Peanut Butter with jelly, on banana, bread, crackers, cookies, by the spoon or on toast, how happy you have made me.
I have shared you with friends, family, boyfriends, kids and even with my old granny.
You never asked for anything but my happiness in return, oh how I wish everyone was like you.
To this day you are part of my pantry, even when in my busy day I kind of forget you are there, you sit and wait for me to need your comfort or your sweetness, or sometimes both, patiently, just quietly waiting. You have been my lunch, my snack, my dinner, my night sin, how awesome are we?
I am an adult now, and you are still my pal. The problems have change, the decisions are harder, the doubts at times consume me, but you, oh my faithful peanut butter, you are always there. Hopefully soon, you will be a part of my own kids life, and considering the facts, I am sure you will be their great friend. They will be acquainted with you ASAP, and it is my wish you can be just as much their friend as you have been mine. Comfort them, feed them, give them some pretty good needed protein and make them jolly boys and girls.
Oh my dear peanut butter I LOVE you!
I will be an old lady, but you sure as heck will find me, hiding in the pantry, scooping my dear Peanut Butter into my mouth...Oh the simple pleasures of life.
My dear Peanut Butter what would I do without you?????
(My love for peanut butter was big today, go figure, I was inspired)
It has been lovely this friendship we have built over the years. Shared little joys, sadness, broken hearts, or pure bliss.
We have grown to appreciate each other´s company. You are a great listener and comforter mind you. Those nights that I could not sleep because I had a nightmare, or had too much coffee or simply because my mind was going over the days business in a thoughtful manner, you kept me company. Or those other times I just had a crappy day in school and all I craved was your smoothness and sweetness to appease my broken soul. That one time when I ran over my neighbor and he bit me, oh the rage of being grounded, that specific day I needed your crunchyness because I felt so ill treated and felt my punishment was unjust, you were there to help me cope with my rage.Thank you!
Or that special time of my first kiss, when I was so confused and couldn't quite understand what the hell was happening you were there to calm my heart while I processed information, I had you with jelly because of the ambivalence of my feelings.
Oh my dear Peanut Butter with jelly, on banana, bread, crackers, cookies, by the spoon or on toast, how happy you have made me.
I have shared you with friends, family, boyfriends, kids and even with my old granny.
You never asked for anything but my happiness in return, oh how I wish everyone was like you.
To this day you are part of my pantry, even when in my busy day I kind of forget you are there, you sit and wait for me to need your comfort or your sweetness, or sometimes both, patiently, just quietly waiting. You have been my lunch, my snack, my dinner, my night sin, how awesome are we?
I am an adult now, and you are still my pal. The problems have change, the decisions are harder, the doubts at times consume me, but you, oh my faithful peanut butter, you are always there. Hopefully soon, you will be a part of my own kids life, and considering the facts, I am sure you will be their great friend. They will be acquainted with you ASAP, and it is my wish you can be just as much their friend as you have been mine. Comfort them, feed them, give them some pretty good needed protein and make them jolly boys and girls.
Oh my dear peanut butter I LOVE you!
I will be an old lady, but you sure as heck will find me, hiding in the pantry, scooping my dear Peanut Butter into my mouth...Oh the simple pleasures of life.
My dear Peanut Butter what would I do without you?????
(My love for peanut butter was big today, go figure, I was inspired)
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The Rain Is Coming
The rain is coming, I can hear the thunder getting closer, and the clouds getting darker, and the wind blowing and pretty soon it will explode on a long, hard rain.
That is a lot like how I feel today. Like, pretty soon the rain will be falling in me, thunder and lightening included.
It is not a bad feeling, it is not a sad moment, it is simply a fact I accept.
I don´t like dwelling too long on memories, I don't like dwelling on the past, I don't like looking at pictures(you would think I do by the amount of pictures I take and own), I don't like it, but somehow I am always doing it. My past comes back to haunt me, memories of my childhood, things my mother told me when I was thirteen, past relationships, oh the ghosts of one´s life! I try to stand my ground and tell them to go away, that I have no interest in them, that I am starting anew, but nope it doesn't work.
I spent the last night thinking about my past, I dram about it too, there are so many things in it that I just am not able to let go, and that kind of defeats the purpose of my trip. I should be moving on, not going back.You might say "But Tehur sometimes in order to go forward, you need to rewind". Well clearly you have no idea of the power of my mind, and the effect this reminiscing might have on my life. I just start doubting everything, from myself to my decisions, it is a terrible thing. Especially because I remember every not so good decision and start freaking out about if my decisions right now are the correct ones. How am I to know?
I don't want to know the future, because my life would be so monotonous, but c'mon, cut me some slack, I am 22 and all I hear is the decisions I make right now will impact me forever, so considering my past decisions, I would say I better be damn careful, before I regret them big time sooner than I can say damn.
People keep on asking me WHAT do III want to do?????? Me, doing, wanting, foreign words. I can think of what IIIII would like to do, but from there to actually doing it goes a looooonngggg way. First of all because I am pretty sure that what makes ME happy won't make other people happy, and what can I say I am a people pleaser. It seems like I have no will of my own. I do, I have managed to do SOME of the things I want to do without damaging my surroundings too much. I am always so mixed up into doing the right thing, being the good person, caring for everyone around me, that I get to a point I don't really know who I am anymore, what I like anymore, and end up wanting to be someone else(like wanting to be my best friend, which would totally annoy her). I kind of forget maybe she sometimes wants to be someone else too. And then the storm just starts building up inside.
"I hate being good" I quote Mary Poppins, and secretly wish I could be this way or that, do this or that, give this or that person a piece of my mind. I like to think I have freedom, but do I? Am I free at all???? Or am I just boggled up in what I think I should do, instead of what I WANT to be doing?
Do I think I need counseling? Sure, but it is too expensive and time consuming, so this one I will have to figure it out on my own.
The way I see it I really only have two options, I continue doing what I should be doing, or I figure out what it is IIIIII WANT to be doing and heck, go for it!!!!!
I know the feeling of both, I know the feeling of doing what I should be doing and I know the feeling of doing what I WANT. The day I quit my last job, man it was so not the smartest thing I have done, but it felt SOOOOOOOO good!
The way it is right now I already have some good regrets on my history of things I have not done, I don't want to get to 60 and look back at my boring righteous life. I would be ending up like some of the people I criticize(bad me), so I might have to start anew in this area. So many new things I have to do, it is really tiring, it is tiring being an adult. Especially when most people see you as a girl, I wish I could be either one or the other, but I am pretty sure I have the responsibilities of one and the soul of the other. I am so confused, advice would be appreciated.
Because this cannot be and like I said counseling, so out of my league:P
HELPPPP!lol
Why can't God just tell me what to do?
Or do I just don't like what he has to say?
So many questions, no answers. Really I want my mom:P
This is one of those pointless posts, but I feel better.
Gonna have a cookie, maybe the answer to my quest is inside a creamy oreo.
Don´t the Zen masters always tell you to do the weirdest things to find an answer????
OREOOOOOOOOOOO I NEED YOU!!!!!!
I will let you know how my Zen Oreo moment went:P
See ya´z
Me
That is a lot like how I feel today. Like, pretty soon the rain will be falling in me, thunder and lightening included.
It is not a bad feeling, it is not a sad moment, it is simply a fact I accept.
I don´t like dwelling too long on memories, I don't like dwelling on the past, I don't like looking at pictures(you would think I do by the amount of pictures I take and own), I don't like it, but somehow I am always doing it. My past comes back to haunt me, memories of my childhood, things my mother told me when I was thirteen, past relationships, oh the ghosts of one´s life! I try to stand my ground and tell them to go away, that I have no interest in them, that I am starting anew, but nope it doesn't work.
I spent the last night thinking about my past, I dram about it too, there are so many things in it that I just am not able to let go, and that kind of defeats the purpose of my trip. I should be moving on, not going back.You might say "But Tehur sometimes in order to go forward, you need to rewind". Well clearly you have no idea of the power of my mind, and the effect this reminiscing might have on my life. I just start doubting everything, from myself to my decisions, it is a terrible thing. Especially because I remember every not so good decision and start freaking out about if my decisions right now are the correct ones. How am I to know?
I don't want to know the future, because my life would be so monotonous, but c'mon, cut me some slack, I am 22 and all I hear is the decisions I make right now will impact me forever, so considering my past decisions, I would say I better be damn careful, before I regret them big time sooner than I can say damn.
People keep on asking me WHAT do III want to do?????? Me, doing, wanting, foreign words. I can think of what IIIII would like to do, but from there to actually doing it goes a looooonngggg way. First of all because I am pretty sure that what makes ME happy won't make other people happy, and what can I say I am a people pleaser. It seems like I have no will of my own. I do, I have managed to do SOME of the things I want to do without damaging my surroundings too much. I am always so mixed up into doing the right thing, being the good person, caring for everyone around me, that I get to a point I don't really know who I am anymore, what I like anymore, and end up wanting to be someone else(like wanting to be my best friend, which would totally annoy her). I kind of forget maybe she sometimes wants to be someone else too. And then the storm just starts building up inside.
"I hate being good" I quote Mary Poppins, and secretly wish I could be this way or that, do this or that, give this or that person a piece of my mind. I like to think I have freedom, but do I? Am I free at all???? Or am I just boggled up in what I think I should do, instead of what I WANT to be doing?
Do I think I need counseling? Sure, but it is too expensive and time consuming, so this one I will have to figure it out on my own.
The way I see it I really only have two options, I continue doing what I should be doing, or I figure out what it is IIIIII WANT to be doing and heck, go for it!!!!!
I know the feeling of both, I know the feeling of doing what I should be doing and I know the feeling of doing what I WANT. The day I quit my last job, man it was so not the smartest thing I have done, but it felt SOOOOOOOO good!
The way it is right now I already have some good regrets on my history of things I have not done, I don't want to get to 60 and look back at my boring righteous life. I would be ending up like some of the people I criticize(bad me), so I might have to start anew in this area. So many new things I have to do, it is really tiring, it is tiring being an adult. Especially when most people see you as a girl, I wish I could be either one or the other, but I am pretty sure I have the responsibilities of one and the soul of the other. I am so confused, advice would be appreciated.
Because this cannot be and like I said counseling, so out of my league:P
HELPPPP!lol
Why can't God just tell me what to do?
Or do I just don't like what he has to say?
So many questions, no answers. Really I want my mom:P
This is one of those pointless posts, but I feel better.
Gonna have a cookie, maybe the answer to my quest is inside a creamy oreo.
Don´t the Zen masters always tell you to do the weirdest things to find an answer????
OREOOOOOOOOOOO I NEED YOU!!!!!!
I will let you know how my Zen Oreo moment went:P
See ya´z
Me
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
How Tehur Spends Her Days
Today I had a cooking lesson with my African ladies! Ugali and cabbage and meat and veggies, sounds easy, but let me tell you it is no easy task.
We started with the cabbage, our kitchen was a happy place to be, African music playing in the backround, one of the ladies sitting on a little bench cutting cabbage and the other preparing the other veggies and the meat. Oh boy, was I happy!
If any of you who read this know me, you know the kitchen is not my place, nope I don't do kitchen, I especially don't do cooking, and more than anything else I really don't do washing dishes, so I was kind of surprised by my curiosity for the kitchen.
I think it is because since I have been here, the smells,and sounds, and amazing dishes that come out from our kitchen have brought a lot of happy feelings to my heart, my mind and my soul. Oh the happy feelings!
So today I went to that little spot WAY outside my comfort zone, I don't speak Swahili and the ladies don't speak a lot of English, but I tried Swahili and they tried English and what a great trio we make.A smile really speaks by itself, and gestures are the same in every language. I am pretty sure though, if I were to stay here Swahili would come to me easily. The ugali part was the funny part, ugali is kind of like brigadeiros, you have to get it right and besides getting it right, you need strength, and well I am not a strong person, compared to these ladies I am a porcelain doll, they laughed and laughed not at me, but with me because I could not stop laughing either. It was so much fun, and I had a blast! I told them that I was taking them back with me, which made them want to hug me and if I could I would totally have them with me always, actually in a way they will be with me in my heart.
There are moments in my life I wish I could pause and today my kitchen moment was one of those moments.After, I just spent the afternoon copying Lisa's recipes to a computer file which I proudly named My Favorite Recipes, and I intend to try them all out. Maybe some will not turn out great(knowing me that will be 75% of the time) but I will have a blast that's for sure, maybe some BFF moments, because my best friend is like an excellent cook. I am glad I had this day today:P
And now I will say good-bye for the tea with the milk and the banana muffin are waiting for me, yes I hear them call my name!!!!
Good-bye
Tei
We started with the cabbage, our kitchen was a happy place to be, African music playing in the backround, one of the ladies sitting on a little bench cutting cabbage and the other preparing the other veggies and the meat. Oh boy, was I happy!
If any of you who read this know me, you know the kitchen is not my place, nope I don't do kitchen, I especially don't do cooking, and more than anything else I really don't do washing dishes, so I was kind of surprised by my curiosity for the kitchen.
I think it is because since I have been here, the smells,and sounds, and amazing dishes that come out from our kitchen have brought a lot of happy feelings to my heart, my mind and my soul. Oh the happy feelings!
So today I went to that little spot WAY outside my comfort zone, I don't speak Swahili and the ladies don't speak a lot of English, but I tried Swahili and they tried English and what a great trio we make.A smile really speaks by itself, and gestures are the same in every language. I am pretty sure though, if I were to stay here Swahili would come to me easily. The ugali part was the funny part, ugali is kind of like brigadeiros, you have to get it right and besides getting it right, you need strength, and well I am not a strong person, compared to these ladies I am a porcelain doll, they laughed and laughed not at me, but with me because I could not stop laughing either. It was so much fun, and I had a blast! I told them that I was taking them back with me, which made them want to hug me and if I could I would totally have them with me always, actually in a way they will be with me in my heart.
There are moments in my life I wish I could pause and today my kitchen moment was one of those moments.After, I just spent the afternoon copying Lisa's recipes to a computer file which I proudly named My Favorite Recipes, and I intend to try them all out. Maybe some will not turn out great(knowing me that will be 75% of the time) but I will have a blast that's for sure, maybe some BFF moments, because my best friend is like an excellent cook. I am glad I had this day today:P
And now I will say good-bye for the tea with the milk and the banana muffin are waiting for me, yes I hear them call my name!!!!
Good-bye
Tei
Monday, March 16, 2009
Remnice
I had a lovely weekend camping at this really beautiful spot to which I will keep the name a secret because I want to think of it as my own special spot. Lets just say it´s a fairyland spot, with a little pond/lake kind of thing and with lovely trees to climb. The perfect place to sit, read, think and knit(my latest acquired hobby).
Since reading is the one thing that makes me most happy I read for quite a long time while I was there, I finished The Shack which I was reading for the second time and I started the book Eat,Pray and Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I love it!
I mean the more I read of it the more I want to read and like The Shack it is the kind of book you wish would not ever end. I found out that we have a lot of common and that some of the ways I have felt in my lifetime, someone else has felt exactly the same.
Some things are hard to think about or talk about and I think she does an awesome job at letting you experience her own feelings through her words and not everyone can write like that. When she talked about depression and how desperate she felt at a time in her life I saw me on that bathroom floor, I saw myself in every description of herself and that gave me the goosebumps. What I am about to write is not easy to talk about at all, but this trip has been a cure of my soul, and after reading about these lady´s feelings I want to write mine too, as if every line that I write a little bit of my pain, sadness or anger will be released and maybe, just maybe it will help someone else feeling that way too.
Right before I came to Tanzania I felt so depressed. I had never felt that way, I am a happy person by nature, a joyful person. Sometimes like every normal human being I feel sad, but at those times I would just allow myself one big cry and then go back to my normal happy self.Until I just did not feel happy anymore. I had a great job at the mall that allowed me to teach in the afternoons and tutor in the evenings, I was making some great money, I had just gotten a new computer and I was having a jolly time. Like I have said before teaching is my passion and I love it with all my heart, my students always had a way of lifting my spirits and challenging me. That was until I got really sick. To this day I have no idea what it is that I have, doctors have a way of using hard words to describe stuff and just confuse the heck out of you, so far I know I am not dying, so I guess that´s good:) All I know is I spent a whole month going in and out of the hospital with a very acute anemia, taking blood transfusions and being poked and tested all the time. Let us just say I was not the happiest person, I was stressed all the time and kind of mad at the world and God for being in this sticky situation.The only thing that ever made me happy was teaching, many a time I did not go to my job at the mall, but for example the day after my 8hr, 2 blood transfusions and an IV, expedition at the hospital I got my butt out of bed and went to school to teach. My life was a mess,and so was I. Through this whole process I also ended a 7 month relationship and fell helplessly in love(or so I thought) with someone who loved one of my friends. I won´t go deep into that simply because it involves third parties, but lets just imagine a cup that you are filling with water and it suddenly overflows that was me an overflowing cup that just kept on overflowing and making a mess out of things. I don´t think I ever felt so hopeless and so sad in my life, not even when my mom passed away did I ever lose grip on anything, but this time was different, all the anger, sadness and darkness of the past just caught up with me and it was not just going to leave me that easy. On one of my trips to the hospital I just shared with my doctor how I felt, and let us say that was one interesting conversation, sometimes the most improbable people will relate to you in the strangest ways. In my doctors mind, thinking it would help me, the best thing would be to give me a prescription of sedatives and anti-depressants. Bad idea!
I wanted to feel happy again so desperately and I was seeing no difference in the first week I started taking 2 pills of the anti-depressants and I will not even get started on the sedatives, it is a scary place to be, a dark, scary, cold place to be. If you ask me anything about that month I would´t be able to tell you, my life for a month is made of flashbacks and occasional memories. I just was not happy, I spent my days lingering around, crying, going to work at the mall and crying, good thing school was closed for Christmas break, because my life was about crying and wanting to disappear and at the moment I could not even look forward to teaching. I just did not want to be me, I did not want to be around people and I did not want to deal with anything, my mind and soul were filled with these dark ideas and thoughts haunting me and to top it all I felt terribly guilty to to feel this way. In my mind no one who has what I have, who feels like I feel most days, should ever feel the way I was feeling and at that time I sure felt like there was no place I could run to, because the world is a busy place, filled with busy people, and happy people who have not to take up with anyone´s crap no matter how friends you are. That was how terribly out of it I was, that I could not run to my friends or family for comfort because I did not think I was entitled to feel comforted, for all I knew and cared for I deserved every bad feeling, or numbness, or dark thought I was getting. I was very close to the point of no return, like you are near that cliff and you know you only have to jump. Fortunately for me I have great friends, that saw me falling apart every day and came to my rescue. I did not appreciate being rescued, I was ok with throwing a self pity party everyday, being all drugged up and crying most days, so the thought of being rescued just made me laugh, the sarcastic kind of inside laugh. Bitterness becomes a good buddy when you are out in the slums all by yourself. I fought with my friends and said terrible things to them, which in return just made me feel even more deserving of what I was getting, but while on the phone with one of my very, very good friends, whom has never left me in any situation and has always been there for me, he hung up the phone on my face, I just realized how terrible, how horrible I was being, it hit me like a rock, literally it was as if someone had just slapped me and I had woken up from a very bad dream. I looked at myself in the mirror and what I saw made me sad, I did´t feel pretty, or sweet, or nice, like my friends usually described me, I especially did not feel worthy of being loved by any of them anymore. So I did the only possible thing that I thought could in some way redeem me, I threw all my medication away, every little pill I owned I threw away and I cried, and cried and cried until I could not cry anymore, until my soul was tired of crying, until I felt redeemed in my own eyes and I prayed, I prayed as hard as I could to the Mr.God I have always loved that he would make me strong not to go right back to the pharmacy and get a new batch of numbing medication. I don´t remember ever praying so hard about anything, all I could think was if I didn´t get better pretty soon I would not have my friends and that was just too much to bear. My biggest fears have been of not being loved anymore by the most important people in my life, of disappointing them, of not being what they expect me to be(even if those expectations, like my dad once said, are just in my head, or are my own expectations that I reflect on other people). What can I say I am really messed up:P
For two days my whole world was a very difficult place, no medication,reality hitting me like a rock, and feeling every kind of emotion possible, I really wanted to die during those two days again I prayed like there would not be a tomorrow, because I felt like all I wanted to do was be numb again. Every single upsetting thought I could possibly have, I had and if you ask me where did I find my strength I have no answer for you that would be acceptable to you, I guess it would be different for everyone.
After that I tried to slowly go back to my normal life,hahaha, as if it could ever be normal again.I still cried and was sad, and reality, man it sucks, it just punches you all the time, but I just had to deal with it one day at the time, baby steps, lol.
I got to come to Tanzania to figure myself out, to rest, and to put my life into perspective, and man it did, my perspective has changed in so many things. Don´t get me wrong, I still fear my best friend doesn´t love me anymore or cares for or is mad at me if she doesn´t write to me, or acts funny on the phone, I still freak out I will disappoint my 2 dads(my real dad and the man I consider my dad), I still get so terribly sad at times I feel like I want to disappear, but at those times I just concenrate really hard on all the good things in my life, I make a thank you list of all the things I am thankful of, I sing happy songs on the radio, I go and have a caramel macchiatto at Starbucks, or I just go for a run, and while it might not completely make me the merriest person on this earth it avoids my soul from crawling into those dark places. I don´t know why this happens to me,am I proud of this part of my life? Not really. Did I want the world to know? Nope...but why not????? If by any way this yucky part of my life could make someone realize that someone else has been there and done that and came out of it alive, why not? I always feel like I am not the best person for this, or that, or even to be in ministry because I feel like the most messed up person in the world, but I think about the most important people in my life who have helped me, shaped me and been there for me and they also didn´t have everything figured out either, or sometimes if it seemed they had at least they could say I have been there and this is how I got out of it.Maybe just because I have been there I will be able to help people who are there. It is a learning process and I am so not done with it yet, but at least I am not totally overwhelmed by it either.
Am I scared of going back home? Yes, very much so.I am so scared that by some chance I might feel like I did before, and that alone freaks me out, but I also realize that the power over that decision is in my hands. I have the power to take that and turn into good or turn into bad. I am choosing to turn into good, if I will or not is yet a time to come, but at least I released my deep dark secret, and that feels good.I have a whole WWW to keep me accountable. At least now, this "secret" has no more power over my mind, body and soul, because I am not trying to hide it away anymore. Like I said, decision, it is all about decision and trust. It is also about letting go, and I just did.
I will keep you all posted.
Much love
Me
Since reading is the one thing that makes me most happy I read for quite a long time while I was there, I finished The Shack which I was reading for the second time and I started the book Eat,Pray and Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I love it!
I mean the more I read of it the more I want to read and like The Shack it is the kind of book you wish would not ever end. I found out that we have a lot of common and that some of the ways I have felt in my lifetime, someone else has felt exactly the same.
Some things are hard to think about or talk about and I think she does an awesome job at letting you experience her own feelings through her words and not everyone can write like that. When she talked about depression and how desperate she felt at a time in her life I saw me on that bathroom floor, I saw myself in every description of herself and that gave me the goosebumps. What I am about to write is not easy to talk about at all, but this trip has been a cure of my soul, and after reading about these lady´s feelings I want to write mine too, as if every line that I write a little bit of my pain, sadness or anger will be released and maybe, just maybe it will help someone else feeling that way too.
Right before I came to Tanzania I felt so depressed. I had never felt that way, I am a happy person by nature, a joyful person. Sometimes like every normal human being I feel sad, but at those times I would just allow myself one big cry and then go back to my normal happy self.Until I just did not feel happy anymore. I had a great job at the mall that allowed me to teach in the afternoons and tutor in the evenings, I was making some great money, I had just gotten a new computer and I was having a jolly time. Like I have said before teaching is my passion and I love it with all my heart, my students always had a way of lifting my spirits and challenging me. That was until I got really sick. To this day I have no idea what it is that I have, doctors have a way of using hard words to describe stuff and just confuse the heck out of you, so far I know I am not dying, so I guess that´s good:) All I know is I spent a whole month going in and out of the hospital with a very acute anemia, taking blood transfusions and being poked and tested all the time. Let us just say I was not the happiest person, I was stressed all the time and kind of mad at the world and God for being in this sticky situation.The only thing that ever made me happy was teaching, many a time I did not go to my job at the mall, but for example the day after my 8hr, 2 blood transfusions and an IV, expedition at the hospital I got my butt out of bed and went to school to teach. My life was a mess,and so was I. Through this whole process I also ended a 7 month relationship and fell helplessly in love(or so I thought) with someone who loved one of my friends. I won´t go deep into that simply because it involves third parties, but lets just imagine a cup that you are filling with water and it suddenly overflows that was me an overflowing cup that just kept on overflowing and making a mess out of things. I don´t think I ever felt so hopeless and so sad in my life, not even when my mom passed away did I ever lose grip on anything, but this time was different, all the anger, sadness and darkness of the past just caught up with me and it was not just going to leave me that easy. On one of my trips to the hospital I just shared with my doctor how I felt, and let us say that was one interesting conversation, sometimes the most improbable people will relate to you in the strangest ways. In my doctors mind, thinking it would help me, the best thing would be to give me a prescription of sedatives and anti-depressants. Bad idea!
I wanted to feel happy again so desperately and I was seeing no difference in the first week I started taking 2 pills of the anti-depressants and I will not even get started on the sedatives, it is a scary place to be, a dark, scary, cold place to be. If you ask me anything about that month I would´t be able to tell you, my life for a month is made of flashbacks and occasional memories. I just was not happy, I spent my days lingering around, crying, going to work at the mall and crying, good thing school was closed for Christmas break, because my life was about crying and wanting to disappear and at the moment I could not even look forward to teaching. I just did not want to be me, I did not want to be around people and I did not want to deal with anything, my mind and soul were filled with these dark ideas and thoughts haunting me and to top it all I felt terribly guilty to to feel this way. In my mind no one who has what I have, who feels like I feel most days, should ever feel the way I was feeling and at that time I sure felt like there was no place I could run to, because the world is a busy place, filled with busy people, and happy people who have not to take up with anyone´s crap no matter how friends you are. That was how terribly out of it I was, that I could not run to my friends or family for comfort because I did not think I was entitled to feel comforted, for all I knew and cared for I deserved every bad feeling, or numbness, or dark thought I was getting. I was very close to the point of no return, like you are near that cliff and you know you only have to jump. Fortunately for me I have great friends, that saw me falling apart every day and came to my rescue. I did not appreciate being rescued, I was ok with throwing a self pity party everyday, being all drugged up and crying most days, so the thought of being rescued just made me laugh, the sarcastic kind of inside laugh. Bitterness becomes a good buddy when you are out in the slums all by yourself. I fought with my friends and said terrible things to them, which in return just made me feel even more deserving of what I was getting, but while on the phone with one of my very, very good friends, whom has never left me in any situation and has always been there for me, he hung up the phone on my face, I just realized how terrible, how horrible I was being, it hit me like a rock, literally it was as if someone had just slapped me and I had woken up from a very bad dream. I looked at myself in the mirror and what I saw made me sad, I did´t feel pretty, or sweet, or nice, like my friends usually described me, I especially did not feel worthy of being loved by any of them anymore. So I did the only possible thing that I thought could in some way redeem me, I threw all my medication away, every little pill I owned I threw away and I cried, and cried and cried until I could not cry anymore, until my soul was tired of crying, until I felt redeemed in my own eyes and I prayed, I prayed as hard as I could to the Mr.God I have always loved that he would make me strong not to go right back to the pharmacy and get a new batch of numbing medication. I don´t remember ever praying so hard about anything, all I could think was if I didn´t get better pretty soon I would not have my friends and that was just too much to bear. My biggest fears have been of not being loved anymore by the most important people in my life, of disappointing them, of not being what they expect me to be(even if those expectations, like my dad once said, are just in my head, or are my own expectations that I reflect on other people). What can I say I am really messed up:P
For two days my whole world was a very difficult place, no medication,reality hitting me like a rock, and feeling every kind of emotion possible, I really wanted to die during those two days again I prayed like there would not be a tomorrow, because I felt like all I wanted to do was be numb again. Every single upsetting thought I could possibly have, I had and if you ask me where did I find my strength I have no answer for you that would be acceptable to you, I guess it would be different for everyone.
After that I tried to slowly go back to my normal life,hahaha, as if it could ever be normal again.I still cried and was sad, and reality, man it sucks, it just punches you all the time, but I just had to deal with it one day at the time, baby steps, lol.
I got to come to Tanzania to figure myself out, to rest, and to put my life into perspective, and man it did, my perspective has changed in so many things. Don´t get me wrong, I still fear my best friend doesn´t love me anymore or cares for or is mad at me if she doesn´t write to me, or acts funny on the phone, I still freak out I will disappoint my 2 dads(my real dad and the man I consider my dad), I still get so terribly sad at times I feel like I want to disappear, but at those times I just concenrate really hard on all the good things in my life, I make a thank you list of all the things I am thankful of, I sing happy songs on the radio, I go and have a caramel macchiatto at Starbucks, or I just go for a run, and while it might not completely make me the merriest person on this earth it avoids my soul from crawling into those dark places. I don´t know why this happens to me,am I proud of this part of my life? Not really. Did I want the world to know? Nope...but why not????? If by any way this yucky part of my life could make someone realize that someone else has been there and done that and came out of it alive, why not? I always feel like I am not the best person for this, or that, or even to be in ministry because I feel like the most messed up person in the world, but I think about the most important people in my life who have helped me, shaped me and been there for me and they also didn´t have everything figured out either, or sometimes if it seemed they had at least they could say I have been there and this is how I got out of it.Maybe just because I have been there I will be able to help people who are there. It is a learning process and I am so not done with it yet, but at least I am not totally overwhelmed by it either.
Am I scared of going back home? Yes, very much so.I am so scared that by some chance I might feel like I did before, and that alone freaks me out, but I also realize that the power over that decision is in my hands. I have the power to take that and turn into good or turn into bad. I am choosing to turn into good, if I will or not is yet a time to come, but at least I released my deep dark secret, and that feels good.I have a whole WWW to keep me accountable. At least now, this "secret" has no more power over my mind, body and soul, because I am not trying to hide it away anymore. Like I said, decision, it is all about decision and trust. It is also about letting go, and I just did.
I will keep you all posted.
Much love
Me
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Society
I am having a hard time today being understanding and loving. I agree we have a messed up society, where everyone works for their own good and could not care less about everyone else around them, but I also have to understand the people who are in power and get to make decisions. If I had my own business I would make my own rules too and people better followed them if they wanted to work with me. I have worked long enough for other people to know how things work, and things never work to the employee´s advantage. There are hundreds of people wanting my job, so if I don´t follow the rules bye, bye I go and here comes some other person to do my job. So all you can do is submit, you shut up and submit, while that means you actually have to follow their pathetic rules, it does not mean I am less me, or that I will forget my dreams and ideals. Do I enjoy working 16 hours at the mall and get paid a lousy salary????? Nope, I do not, but that lousy salary pays the bills, so tough cookie for me. Reality sucks, and that is it, but I can change my reality, maybe not now, even though I wish I could, but eventually. If I work the lousy jobs my resume will grow and if I do a good job, people will trust me and offer me better jobs and maybe someday I will get to do whatever the heck I want to do, instead of working my butt off for someone else. That is just how things roll.
I actually have a pretty good attitude about it, I always make sure that everything I do I don´t do it just for my earthly boss, and I also have a great imagination, so folding clothes, or serving coffee just becomes this really exciting thing, but most of all I don´t give up. Or at least I try not to. So today I am frustrated about how can other people just think that they lose respect if they have to follow someone. I am having a hard time understanding what the heck is so hard about giving in a little in order to build something bigger and better for yourself and I am having a hard time being loving if I know this is most of all a problem with authority. It bothers me! I am bothered because I don´t feel like I can understand but I really want to. To me the quote "Everybody follows somebody" is true. I want to be loving and supportive and understanding, but I can´t and so I am trying to deal with my own frustration in the midst of it all. So I write, I write because right now it is all I can do.
Will write soon.
bye
I actually have a pretty good attitude about it, I always make sure that everything I do I don´t do it just for my earthly boss, and I also have a great imagination, so folding clothes, or serving coffee just becomes this really exciting thing, but most of all I don´t give up. Or at least I try not to. So today I am frustrated about how can other people just think that they lose respect if they have to follow someone. I am having a hard time understanding what the heck is so hard about giving in a little in order to build something bigger and better for yourself and I am having a hard time being loving if I know this is most of all a problem with authority. It bothers me! I am bothered because I don´t feel like I can understand but I really want to. To me the quote "Everybody follows somebody" is true. I want to be loving and supportive and understanding, but I can´t and so I am trying to deal with my own frustration in the midst of it all. So I write, I write because right now it is all I can do.
Will write soon.
bye
Friday, March 13, 2009
A New Beginning
My trip to Africa has been such a roller coaster of emotions, growth, meaning and constant change. I have learned things about me, about others, about this place, but most of all I have learned about people. I am a people person, I enjoy spending time with people and learning about them and listening to their stories. I also like to observe people, kind of like a stalker, but in a good way.
Yesterday I had the opportunity to go to Peace House Secondary School in Arusha, a school built from a dream of an American family from Minnesota. They had an open house, so that people could come and visit and see what they have been learning, and look at the school grounds and just know more about it. It was amazing, I mean really amazing. These kids had been practicing skits, and dances, and songs, and exhibitions, and they all knew what they were supposed to be doing and they were happy about it. I mean beaming! I don´t know what was your experience in school, but for me these things just made me nervous, a bunch of people I didn´t know, who came to visit and to whom we had to talk, it was just hell on earth, even the end of the year parties, or Christmas program, it was a hassle. Now these boys and girls were just excited about it, and worked so hard. Peace House Secondary School, is a normal school in many ways, but it changes lives, most kids there come from problematic families, or they are orphaned kids and this was their opportunity for education. I want to be a teacher one day, a real one, and as a teacher that is exactly my aim to change my students life, to help them reach out for their dreams, because I believe that if children have people surrounding them who believe in them, they are capable of amazing things.
Yesterday again I was not there to change, but to be changed. One girl just came up to me and said "I am happy to see your face here, I am happy you came." Well I was so happy too that I could go, and that I got to meet her. Another boy just shared with me his dream to become a doctor, and how he hoped to find the cure of HIV/Aids, I told him I believed in him and that I would remember him always, actually I will remember all of them always. I will think of them, and of school, and of the lovely time I had, and who knows one day as a teacher I will be back. I have learned not to doubt possibility.
As I sat watching a volleyball game, I thought about everything, I thought about my time here, about my dreams, about my hopes, about my future and most of all I thought about the past few months and how terribly sad I had been, and how my joy had left me, and how I could not sense hope. I just felt like I wanted to smack myself really hard.
And so I came home and my lovely friend Tait cut my hair, and in that lay my freedom, my rebirth, from all that has happen to a whole new start, a whole new beginning.
I am going to Portugal with these kid´s faces and stories written in my heart and in my soul, and there will be a New Beginning waiting for me there and I am terribly excited about it. I am so happy I was there. Because I was there for "such a time as this".
Catch you around...
Yesterday I had the opportunity to go to Peace House Secondary School in Arusha, a school built from a dream of an American family from Minnesota. They had an open house, so that people could come and visit and see what they have been learning, and look at the school grounds and just know more about it. It was amazing, I mean really amazing. These kids had been practicing skits, and dances, and songs, and exhibitions, and they all knew what they were supposed to be doing and they were happy about it. I mean beaming! I don´t know what was your experience in school, but for me these things just made me nervous, a bunch of people I didn´t know, who came to visit and to whom we had to talk, it was just hell on earth, even the end of the year parties, or Christmas program, it was a hassle. Now these boys and girls were just excited about it, and worked so hard. Peace House Secondary School, is a normal school in many ways, but it changes lives, most kids there come from problematic families, or they are orphaned kids and this was their opportunity for education. I want to be a teacher one day, a real one, and as a teacher that is exactly my aim to change my students life, to help them reach out for their dreams, because I believe that if children have people surrounding them who believe in them, they are capable of amazing things.
Yesterday again I was not there to change, but to be changed. One girl just came up to me and said "I am happy to see your face here, I am happy you came." Well I was so happy too that I could go, and that I got to meet her. Another boy just shared with me his dream to become a doctor, and how he hoped to find the cure of HIV/Aids, I told him I believed in him and that I would remember him always, actually I will remember all of them always. I will think of them, and of school, and of the lovely time I had, and who knows one day as a teacher I will be back. I have learned not to doubt possibility.
As I sat watching a volleyball game, I thought about everything, I thought about my time here, about my dreams, about my hopes, about my future and most of all I thought about the past few months and how terribly sad I had been, and how my joy had left me, and how I could not sense hope. I just felt like I wanted to smack myself really hard.
And so I came home and my lovely friend Tait cut my hair, and in that lay my freedom, my rebirth, from all that has happen to a whole new start, a whole new beginning.
I am going to Portugal with these kid´s faces and stories written in my heart and in my soul, and there will be a New Beginning waiting for me there and I am terribly excited about it. I am so happy I was there. Because I was there for "such a time as this".
Catch you around...
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Bucket List
I am not dying! Well not that I know of at least, but my friend kind of in a way dared me to write my own bucket list, of everything I want to accomplish. I am pretty sure she did not realize how crazy, imaginative, and completely wild I am, for some of my dreams are truly impossible to accomplish in most eyes.Anyway, I believe that every single thing on my bucket list can be accomplished if I work hard enough, and want it enough to work hard at it. My list has 50 things, but honestly it could go on forever, it might make you laugh, or it might inspire you to write one too. Whichever, I had fun writing mine:)
Thank you Zyna:)
Here it is:
Tehur´s Bucket List
1. Live in Africa
2. Visit the great pyramids
3. Go to Japan
4. Sky Dive
5. Run a Marathon
6. Write a book and actually get published
7. Open my own school
8. Climb a mountain
9. Go on a motorcycle trip
10. Visit the Louvre
11. Be to all Continents
12. Go hunting
13. Teach in a foreign country
14. Retake Ballet Lessons
15. Read the 100 English Classics
16. Live in Prince Edward Island in Canada for a season or two
17. Preach at a big conference :P
18. Go on a road trip through America
19. Shop at Tiffany’s
20. Invent the time machine
21. Go on a bicycle ride through the Great Wall of China
22. Adopt a child
23. Give birth to my own baby
24. I want to see the Northern Lights
25. I want to write an Article for The New York Times
26. I want to win a Nobel Prize
27. I want to speak Swahili fluently
28. I want to get married
29. I want to laugh so hard at something I pee my pants
30. I want to win a Pulitzer Prize
31. I want to work at Starbucks
32. I want to solve a mystery
33. I want to save a life
34. I want to go on a trip to Ireland with my best friend
35. I want to go on a Random Acts of Kindness trip
36. I want to be in one of those Poetry contests
37. I want to be in a Broadway play
38. I want to be like Anne of Green Gables when I grow up
39. I want to be blond for a time
40. I want to party till the sun comes out
41. I want to go on a joy ride through Lisbon at night in my BMW:P
42. I want to play the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet at the mall
43. Build a tree house
44. Live in North Carolina for a period of time
45. Have a flower garden
46. I want to go on a ride on the top 3 biggest rollercoaster’s in the World
47. I want to go to DisneyWorld with my kids
48. I want to have a vegetable patch
49. I want to meet Dr.Michio Kaku
50. I want to do my Doctorate’s at Harvard
P.S. If you happen to be from The New York Times, a Publisher or Harvard my email is available somewhere in this page:) hehehehe
Tei
Thank you Zyna:)
Here it is:
Tehur´s Bucket List
1. Live in Africa
2. Visit the great pyramids
3. Go to Japan
4. Sky Dive
5. Run a Marathon
6. Write a book and actually get published
7. Open my own school
8. Climb a mountain
9. Go on a motorcycle trip
10. Visit the Louvre
11. Be to all Continents
12. Go hunting
13. Teach in a foreign country
14. Retake Ballet Lessons
15. Read the 100 English Classics
16. Live in Prince Edward Island in Canada for a season or two
17. Preach at a big conference :P
18. Go on a road trip through America
19. Shop at Tiffany’s
20. Invent the time machine
21. Go on a bicycle ride through the Great Wall of China
22. Adopt a child
23. Give birth to my own baby
24. I want to see the Northern Lights
25. I want to write an Article for The New York Times
26. I want to win a Nobel Prize
27. I want to speak Swahili fluently
28. I want to get married
29. I want to laugh so hard at something I pee my pants
30. I want to win a Pulitzer Prize
31. I want to work at Starbucks
32. I want to solve a mystery
33. I want to save a life
34. I want to go on a trip to Ireland with my best friend
35. I want to go on a Random Acts of Kindness trip
36. I want to be in one of those Poetry contests
37. I want to be in a Broadway play
38. I want to be like Anne of Green Gables when I grow up
39. I want to be blond for a time
40. I want to party till the sun comes out
41. I want to go on a joy ride through Lisbon at night in my BMW:P
42. I want to play the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet at the mall
43. Build a tree house
44. Live in North Carolina for a period of time
45. Have a flower garden
46. I want to go on a ride on the top 3 biggest rollercoaster’s in the World
47. I want to go to DisneyWorld with my kids
48. I want to have a vegetable patch
49. I want to meet Dr.Michio Kaku
50. I want to do my Doctorate’s at Harvard
P.S. If you happen to be from The New York Times, a Publisher or Harvard my email is available somewhere in this page:) hehehehe
Tei
Sunday, March 8, 2009
No Turning Back
It´s hard to realize that some things will never be as they were one day. It is quite hard to come to the knowledge that you can´t go back and make things different, or change this or that decision.
Since I have had a lot of time to think I can now say I am on the good way to recovery from feeling extremely guilty about some things in my life. I can´t change the past, and the hurts, or sometimes even the happiness brought forth by some decisions that I was aware were not right, but that made me happy, for a while, at least.
Having a conversation with someone this week had a great impact on the way I see myself now. I understood for once, that I can´t walk around with the weight of the world on my shoulders, certainly I wouldn´t want to end up like May Bowright from the Secret Life Of Bees. Lately I have though, walked around, with the grief of the world on my shoulders, my friends problems, my own, my family´s and I was one frustrated person, because I couldn´t make it all better. "Well, dah Tehur, you can´t make it all better, that is not your job!" this voice kept telling me. And boy, did that voice annoy me.
"What you mean I can´t make it all better????Of course I can!"
Nope I cannot, I realize that now. I can help, I can listen, but I cannot make it all better, all the time, because I would be denying growth to some of these people and myself.
To me that is the hardest thing, let go! Leave it to God to take care of it, it´s just not me. I am a solver, I solve problems, I take care, I would go extended lengths to keep those I love from hurt, but that would not be a wise thing to do, it would do more harm than anything.
Someone said I was selfish and ungrateful and was deeply hurting people who loved me. Its a shock to hear that because all I was trying to do was to help, but in my frustration I ended up being horrible, I see that now, but at the time I was just angry. Again, that was not my place, it was not my job, that frustration was the frustration of a human being, me. That was God´s place, God´s job, and it was hard on me because I was not gonna let go, I wasn´t willing to quietly retract and let God work on my hurting self, and my hurting friends, I just wanted to make it alright. As I sat in bed that night with all this rage in me and this sadness of having been misinterpreted, and more than anything of hurting a dear friend all these thoughts attacked me and that annoying little voice spoke to me again, saying I should just let go.Let Go....
And after a long cry that´s what I did, I let it go, hoping my friend would forgive me and I would forgive myself. I still am mastering the letting go thing and the trust issues and the fact that I am really messed up person in some areas of my life, but for once in my life I just did what I was supposed to have done a looooong time ago. And it felt right, and it felt good. I am sure I will mess up a lot more, and probably hurt people I love and myself, but I am willing to work on that area and become better and better at it.
This was my lesson this week, probably the reason I haven´t written, I was trying to figure all this in my mind. Hope this might be some cheering for all the messed up people out there...we have hope:P
Catch up with y´all soon:P (oh I have faith I am not the only dork reading this blog, yes I am calling you a dork:P)
Have a Nice Sunday!!!!!!
Since I have had a lot of time to think I can now say I am on the good way to recovery from feeling extremely guilty about some things in my life. I can´t change the past, and the hurts, or sometimes even the happiness brought forth by some decisions that I was aware were not right, but that made me happy, for a while, at least.
Having a conversation with someone this week had a great impact on the way I see myself now. I understood for once, that I can´t walk around with the weight of the world on my shoulders, certainly I wouldn´t want to end up like May Bowright from the Secret Life Of Bees. Lately I have though, walked around, with the grief of the world on my shoulders, my friends problems, my own, my family´s and I was one frustrated person, because I couldn´t make it all better. "Well, dah Tehur, you can´t make it all better, that is not your job!" this voice kept telling me. And boy, did that voice annoy me.
"What you mean I can´t make it all better????Of course I can!"
Nope I cannot, I realize that now. I can help, I can listen, but I cannot make it all better, all the time, because I would be denying growth to some of these people and myself.
To me that is the hardest thing, let go! Leave it to God to take care of it, it´s just not me. I am a solver, I solve problems, I take care, I would go extended lengths to keep those I love from hurt, but that would not be a wise thing to do, it would do more harm than anything.
Someone said I was selfish and ungrateful and was deeply hurting people who loved me. Its a shock to hear that because all I was trying to do was to help, but in my frustration I ended up being horrible, I see that now, but at the time I was just angry. Again, that was not my place, it was not my job, that frustration was the frustration of a human being, me. That was God´s place, God´s job, and it was hard on me because I was not gonna let go, I wasn´t willing to quietly retract and let God work on my hurting self, and my hurting friends, I just wanted to make it alright. As I sat in bed that night with all this rage in me and this sadness of having been misinterpreted, and more than anything of hurting a dear friend all these thoughts attacked me and that annoying little voice spoke to me again, saying I should just let go.Let Go....
And after a long cry that´s what I did, I let it go, hoping my friend would forgive me and I would forgive myself. I still am mastering the letting go thing and the trust issues and the fact that I am really messed up person in some areas of my life, but for once in my life I just did what I was supposed to have done a looooong time ago. And it felt right, and it felt good. I am sure I will mess up a lot more, and probably hurt people I love and myself, but I am willing to work on that area and become better and better at it.
This was my lesson this week, probably the reason I haven´t written, I was trying to figure all this in my mind. Hope this might be some cheering for all the messed up people out there...we have hope:P
Catch up with y´all soon:P (oh I have faith I am not the only dork reading this blog, yes I am calling you a dork:P)
Have a Nice Sunday!!!!!!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Mornings
Today I will write the most useless post ever, that will mean nothing to any of you, but that it makes me feel good therefore I want to write it on my blog.
I love mornings, I am a morning person, I love to wake up and hear the birds outside and feel that morning cold while I am still under my warm,comfy blanket. I love to just stay in my bed and listen, and at that time I put all my thoughts in order and prepare for the day. Sometimes I can even fall asleep again, but that moment is my moment.
I remember being little and listening to my dad get out of bed at like 6am and as I heard the rattlings and hustlings I would get up find him and always ask the same question:
"What are you doing daddy?"
Of course I always knew the answer, but there was something safe about asking that question every time. The weekends were my favorite.
After the famous question my dad would answer something like "having breakfast, want to eat something?" And man we had fun!
He would put a coat over my pajamas and we would go to the bakery near our house, the cozy smell of fresh baked bread is the best, mixed with the smell of coffee and pastries...Heaven! My dad would always buy a pastry for me, my brother and for mom, and happily we would go back home. My dad made coffee in one of those coffee things you put coffee at the bottom with water and heat it up and then the coffee just comes up like a little geyser, they always fascinated me:P
He would cut the bread and always let me eat the inside of his bread(can´t remember the name in English, but I am telling you that is the best part) and make scrambled or fried eggs(and my dad makes the best eggs ever). I remember just sitting at our kitchen table looking at my dad doing all these things and how joyful I felt, I never wanted my mom or brother to wake up at that time and come in because I loved just having my dad there, cooking and explaining things for me. He would set the table all nicely just for us, or other times we would just sit on the sofa and watch cartoons together or occasionally if it was on, some Animal Planet or National Geographic(oh yeah the nerd in me). Because I was too little to have coffee my dad would just give me milk with a tiny bit of coffee and loads of sugar, my heaven, and my scrambled or fried egg sandwich. We had fun, those memories never quite left me and when I am home and in the mood for it I still wake up at 6am and make my sandwich and coffee(now just plain black, with loads of sugar) and have my quiet morning time, thinking about my day and my life.
I hadn´t thought about those memories of mornings in quite a while, I have been always too busy, but todays as I lay in bed and actually got to thinking they popped in my mind and I could just see my dad and hear the ratkings and hustlings and I was happy.
I love mornings!
Well hope you at least find this useless post funny, or amusing in some way.
Childhood memories are the best! So today and if you are in the mood for it just think about a childhood memory and smile...
I love mornings, I am a morning person, I love to wake up and hear the birds outside and feel that morning cold while I am still under my warm,comfy blanket. I love to just stay in my bed and listen, and at that time I put all my thoughts in order and prepare for the day. Sometimes I can even fall asleep again, but that moment is my moment.
I remember being little and listening to my dad get out of bed at like 6am and as I heard the rattlings and hustlings I would get up find him and always ask the same question:
"What are you doing daddy?"
Of course I always knew the answer, but there was something safe about asking that question every time. The weekends were my favorite.
After the famous question my dad would answer something like "having breakfast, want to eat something?" And man we had fun!
He would put a coat over my pajamas and we would go to the bakery near our house, the cozy smell of fresh baked bread is the best, mixed with the smell of coffee and pastries...Heaven! My dad would always buy a pastry for me, my brother and for mom, and happily we would go back home. My dad made coffee in one of those coffee things you put coffee at the bottom with water and heat it up and then the coffee just comes up like a little geyser, they always fascinated me:P
He would cut the bread and always let me eat the inside of his bread(can´t remember the name in English, but I am telling you that is the best part) and make scrambled or fried eggs(and my dad makes the best eggs ever). I remember just sitting at our kitchen table looking at my dad doing all these things and how joyful I felt, I never wanted my mom or brother to wake up at that time and come in because I loved just having my dad there, cooking and explaining things for me. He would set the table all nicely just for us, or other times we would just sit on the sofa and watch cartoons together or occasionally if it was on, some Animal Planet or National Geographic(oh yeah the nerd in me). Because I was too little to have coffee my dad would just give me milk with a tiny bit of coffee and loads of sugar, my heaven, and my scrambled or fried egg sandwich. We had fun, those memories never quite left me and when I am home and in the mood for it I still wake up at 6am and make my sandwich and coffee(now just plain black, with loads of sugar) and have my quiet morning time, thinking about my day and my life.
I hadn´t thought about those memories of mornings in quite a while, I have been always too busy, but todays as I lay in bed and actually got to thinking they popped in my mind and I could just see my dad and hear the ratkings and hustlings and I was happy.
I love mornings!
Well hope you at least find this useless post funny, or amusing in some way.
Childhood memories are the best! So today and if you are in the mood for it just think about a childhood memory and smile...
Loita
Loita is fairyland! The sweet sound of peace and quiet and love,a lot of love...:)
I am back from my favorite week ever in my life. I am back from lovely Loita, to sunny Arusha(home for the next 4 weeks). I camped, and hiked and took baths in the river and peed outside and had meals by the campfire and I am sure I will never be the same. Why would I want to be the same old boring me if I can embrace a whole new existence of adventure.hehe
When you are quite sure nothing could possibly take your breath away and give you that warm and fuzzy feeling again,God has a way of nicely letting you know who is in charge of that. Loita took my breath away, Loita made me laugh and quietly smile at a bunch of different things,Loita made me quite free indeed!
There is really no way else to describe Loita than magical.
The beauty surrounding me was amazing.At night it would rain and thunder and you could hear the animals from your tent, the river with its warm water and rocks and skin smoothing sand, the hikes, everything, it made me feel, just plain happy...I belonged!
The people I met too, made this trip special, friends from back when the Borden´s lived there who came to visit, say hi and just hang out. Who invited us over for tea and lunch, who shared and talked to us. It gave meaning to my trip here.
At this time of struggle all over the world, but especially here in Africa, you see the meaning of friendship and giving all you have. The Bible stories I heard in Sunday school become real. No matter how little one has, one still invites you over for a cup of hot chai at their home so you can sit and chew the news for a while. It made me think of how selfish I am at times, it made me put myself into my rightfull place. When far away, Africa is a distant reality, you can say you are doing something, you are helping,you are changing it and most likely you are, but when you come here, when you see it with your eyes, it becomes YOUR reality. And more often than not you realize you did nothing to change Africa, but Africa has changed you. Now that is a feeling you have to experience so you can fully understand what am I here blabbing about.
I wish I would never have to leave! I wish I could come back to Loita(surely the place I have been happiest at), I wish I could be part of this country. Truly my mother was right, Africa ran in her blood and the apple never falls far from the tree:)
I found home...
I am back from my favorite week ever in my life. I am back from lovely Loita, to sunny Arusha(home for the next 4 weeks). I camped, and hiked and took baths in the river and peed outside and had meals by the campfire and I am sure I will never be the same. Why would I want to be the same old boring me if I can embrace a whole new existence of adventure.hehe
When you are quite sure nothing could possibly take your breath away and give you that warm and fuzzy feeling again,God has a way of nicely letting you know who is in charge of that. Loita took my breath away, Loita made me laugh and quietly smile at a bunch of different things,Loita made me quite free indeed!
There is really no way else to describe Loita than magical.
The beauty surrounding me was amazing.At night it would rain and thunder and you could hear the animals from your tent, the river with its warm water and rocks and skin smoothing sand, the hikes, everything, it made me feel, just plain happy...I belonged!
The people I met too, made this trip special, friends from back when the Borden´s lived there who came to visit, say hi and just hang out. Who invited us over for tea and lunch, who shared and talked to us. It gave meaning to my trip here.
At this time of struggle all over the world, but especially here in Africa, you see the meaning of friendship and giving all you have. The Bible stories I heard in Sunday school become real. No matter how little one has, one still invites you over for a cup of hot chai at their home so you can sit and chew the news for a while. It made me think of how selfish I am at times, it made me put myself into my rightfull place. When far away, Africa is a distant reality, you can say you are doing something, you are helping,you are changing it and most likely you are, but when you come here, when you see it with your eyes, it becomes YOUR reality. And more often than not you realize you did nothing to change Africa, but Africa has changed you. Now that is a feeling you have to experience so you can fully understand what am I here blabbing about.
I wish I would never have to leave! I wish I could come back to Loita(surely the place I have been happiest at), I wish I could be part of this country. Truly my mother was right, Africa ran in her blood and the apple never falls far from the tree:)
I found home...
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