Thursday, December 20, 2012
The Power of I Love You
I have been thinking about this for the past few weeks. About our inability as human beings to tell the people we love that we do love them.
It shouldn’t be hard at all, after all they are the people we love and cherish and care to be around.
We don’t realize the consequences in the long run of expecting that those we love KNOW that we love them.
It took me a long time to be able to express my feelings, living your life with your heart on your sleeve is a dangerous thing. It can be awesome or it can be the most mortifying experience in the world.
That fear of not being accepted, loved back, cared for can really make one be careful with sharing what goes on inside.
But isn’t that being a little selfish? What about how others feel because of our fear of rejection?
I remember being very small and desperately wanting that my dad would say he loved me, it took him 20 years to say it and now those 3 little words ,really are just 3 little words.
At first I did everything you could possibly think of to hear them and then as time went by and we became more like strangers than father and daughter I just let them go.
I still looked for that acceptance, that care, that love in other places, in other people, but they were merely substitutions of what I was really lacking as deep as my soul.
As substitutions they never really quite filled that empty place, but they taught me other things, especially that I am worth it and that I deserve that kind of love.
At first when I started learning about God and about all that God is, the fact that He is Love was what brought me closer to Him, at the same time I kept sending God the Father away in fear He too would reject me.
I had found and earthly suited substitution and I must say I was always more afraid of losing that substitution than losing God the Father.
I know how it sounds and I know the reaction it provokes, yet that was exactly how I felt, but as I was thinking about the power of I love you I realized there was something in common between that power, God the Love and God the Father.
They all were entwined (like so many things), and they were there and i tis my job to go and let my own tiny soul be also a part of that.
God is constantly telling His people they are loved, letting them know they are cared for, accepted.
If I am able to accept God’s love, why can’t I accept that He is also my dad?
I really can’t yet answer that question, but I can say that I want to be able to share my “I love you’s” in that same truthful, honest and selfless way.
Words can be just words, or they can have the power to build up or tear down people and more times than others it is the words we don’t say that are really important.
I know two things I want my words to always build up, my friends, my family, my husband and my children, especially my children so they never feel that emptiness, that inadequacy of not belonging, of not being worthy of their mother’s love.
I don’t know how well I do all the time and I know I have a lot of learning to do still.
But as I was thinking about this, this past two weeks , my heart was broken with all the sad stories I have heard about people who didn’t say their I love you’s and how they damaged the people who never heard them and the one who never said them and I related and I had this need of talking about this.
This need of putting on paper what was wrong with my soul so now I can say that after this splashing of feelings on paper “ I tis well with my soul”.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Good-Byes
I am not dealing so well with saying good-bye!
My two sisters, one of them being my closest friend too, left. I had to give my dog, my sweet, sweet Rilla away and now I have to say good-bye to my grandmother...I am not doing so great.
I haven't seen real family in almost 6 years. I occasionally went to the U.S., but that was not working out for me so after a while I stopped going.
I do good all by myself, I have learned to cope and deal with things alone and most time I enjoy that solitude. In the midst of all that loneliness I find loveliness.
I came across this way of coping with this reality and it has worked for me.
I created a defense mechanism. I like defense mechanisms, I like the security they bring, I like how reliable they are...they are safe, I like safe.
So I became detached, not completely, but mostly. I don't give all, so I don't have to lose all.
I am not touchy, or kissy, lovey-dovey or over sentimental, I do have my moments like the rest of the world, but overall I am completely capable of controlling my emotions. To lose that is almost impossible, but following tightly the rule also make me lose on so much.
I have no idea of what it is to be completely spontaneous, or what it means to completely trust someone because I am pretty much incapable of doing that.
And most of the times I secretly enjoy when people say I am cold, and senseless and emotionless, that place is a safe place, it is an no hurt place.
The people that know me, know me well and those that don't,well it's for a reason.
Now nowhere in the book of "How to be an Ice Queen" does it teach you how to completely shut out who brought yo up, fed you, read you stories, put you to bed, cared for you when you were burning up with fever, gave you money when you couldn't afford something, bought you presents, but above all made who you are right now with a lot of love and patience.
I am who I am because besides having an awesome mom, I had a loving grandmother.
Saying good-bye to my sisters was hard, but it was also part of a cycle, a new beginning, something bigger and better, saying good-bye to my grandmother is the end, not the beginning and so it is a bittersweet feeling.
I love that she crossed a whole ocean just to come see me, but I hate that she is leaving again and that this is probably the last time I will see her and even more frustrated am I that I am incapable of showing of how much she really means to me through hugs and kisses like she'd like.
I am a doer and a fixer and that is how I like to show love, but my grandmother is from a different time, a time where people showed love by different ways, ways that I suck at it and she is not the first one to tell me so.
She is leaving tomorrow and I am choking up in my silent tears and in all my frustration of not being able to run and hug and kiss and sit on her lap and just let her love me, because that is just going to make the good-bye even worse and much more painful to me. So I am being selfish and keeping my distance, but I am also living in anticipated regret that I might never get to sit on my grandma's lap ever again. It feels like a huge big fight with myself 24/7.
I bought her a present and even I know that isn't enough, but I just can't afford going through all those feelings of abandonment, and loneliness and sadness.
That's how I know how to love and I like it that way.
Part of me wishes...Well part of me just wishes a lot of things that are not possible.
And that's just what life is...finding some solace in the impossible.
Me
My two sisters, one of them being my closest friend too, left. I had to give my dog, my sweet, sweet Rilla away and now I have to say good-bye to my grandmother...I am not doing so great.
I haven't seen real family in almost 6 years. I occasionally went to the U.S., but that was not working out for me so after a while I stopped going.
I do good all by myself, I have learned to cope and deal with things alone and most time I enjoy that solitude. In the midst of all that loneliness I find loveliness.
I came across this way of coping with this reality and it has worked for me.
I created a defense mechanism. I like defense mechanisms, I like the security they bring, I like how reliable they are...they are safe, I like safe.
So I became detached, not completely, but mostly. I don't give all, so I don't have to lose all.
I am not touchy, or kissy, lovey-dovey or over sentimental, I do have my moments like the rest of the world, but overall I am completely capable of controlling my emotions. To lose that is almost impossible, but following tightly the rule also make me lose on so much.
I have no idea of what it is to be completely spontaneous, or what it means to completely trust someone because I am pretty much incapable of doing that.
And most of the times I secretly enjoy when people say I am cold, and senseless and emotionless, that place is a safe place, it is an no hurt place.
The people that know me, know me well and those that don't,well it's for a reason.
Now nowhere in the book of "How to be an Ice Queen" does it teach you how to completely shut out who brought yo up, fed you, read you stories, put you to bed, cared for you when you were burning up with fever, gave you money when you couldn't afford something, bought you presents, but above all made who you are right now with a lot of love and patience.
I am who I am because besides having an awesome mom, I had a loving grandmother.
Saying good-bye to my sisters was hard, but it was also part of a cycle, a new beginning, something bigger and better, saying good-bye to my grandmother is the end, not the beginning and so it is a bittersweet feeling.
I love that she crossed a whole ocean just to come see me, but I hate that she is leaving again and that this is probably the last time I will see her and even more frustrated am I that I am incapable of showing of how much she really means to me through hugs and kisses like she'd like.
I am a doer and a fixer and that is how I like to show love, but my grandmother is from a different time, a time where people showed love by different ways, ways that I suck at it and she is not the first one to tell me so.
She is leaving tomorrow and I am choking up in my silent tears and in all my frustration of not being able to run and hug and kiss and sit on her lap and just let her love me, because that is just going to make the good-bye even worse and much more painful to me. So I am being selfish and keeping my distance, but I am also living in anticipated regret that I might never get to sit on my grandma's lap ever again. It feels like a huge big fight with myself 24/7.
I bought her a present and even I know that isn't enough, but I just can't afford going through all those feelings of abandonment, and loneliness and sadness.
That's how I know how to love and I like it that way.
Part of me wishes...Well part of me just wishes a lot of things that are not possible.
And that's just what life is...finding some solace in the impossible.
Me
Friday, September 3, 2010
Tequila shots, Adventure and a Car
I had a crappy day yesterday, a really crappy day and all I really wanted was tequila shots and Sofia's company(sofia is my ex-blond, now kinda brunette, knows one too many secrets about me friend) and the best company ever for tequila shots because she doesn't drink.
She was also having a rough day, we have been having a rough week just for different reasons, her main reason was that she could not for the love of herself find a car, a cheap car to buy and her vacation was passing by and time was not on her side.
Yesterday I decided to help so while she searched online and gave me phone numbers and info, I called, amen to conference calls and free hands kit,I searched and called and finally came upon an unrefusable offer.
A little black car that kinda looked like a lady bug for only a few hundred dollars more than her budget, but the ad said those few hundred dollars more would be negotiable.
When you look at an ad to buy a car you already assume whoever posted that ad already overpriced the stupid thing because of course people will try to negotiate, we live in a world which is on a crisis the cheaper you can get something the better. When I called again I asked if the price was negotiable and the lady said yes, so far so good, we arranged a meeting and off Sofia went in ecstatic happiness to see this little car that could end her bitter days of bus riding.
She loved the car! I received a call later saying the deal was made and that she was going to get the car the next day. We wanted to celebrate, I wanted to celebrate, well I just needed an excuse to go out for tequila shots and that was a very good one.
It turns out now days spoken agreements do not have the power they used to have back in the day, if I recall correctly back in the day you could get killed if you broke a verbal agreement, because 45 min later the ladie's husband called saying he was not going to sell the car for the price Sofia had agreed with his wife because he had someone else interested who was stupid and wanted to pay full price. If you asked me that's bullshit, but hey there was really nothing she could do she liked the car so she agreed to pay full price, she was upset, we were all upset, we all wanted a piece of that man.
No one likes to be made a fool of. We went to Cascais anyway for our tequila shots, that never happened because Sofia's mom called saying the whole situation was bothering her and she was coming to meet us so we could discuss it and find a solution.
So instead of tequila shots we sat at the mall at 10pm at night looking at car ads in the newspaper. That alone was a sight to be seen. We finally found a car that Sofia liked by 11pm and we called, the thing is she had to make a decision right then because today was the day she had to give answers, but we also needed to see the car from the newspaper, and the car was in Lisbon in a place no one knew how to get to, I knew where it was, just not exactely how to get there, but we managed between ex-boyfriends who are kind enough to pick up the phone at odd hours to give directions, and not so secret admireres who live in Lisbon an are just too eager to help, and actual friends, we got there, and there my friends was the Guetto!!!!!!!!!
I think our friend who was driving wanted to kill us, literally kill us, besides yelling all the different directions, telling him to turn right on top of the exits, we also took him to the guetto to see a car at midnight, oh we are good, we are awesome, we got lost, in the guetto:D
We had no idea where we were neither had the car guy any idea where we were, we just kept missing eachother, after almost 45 min he finally found us and the car was beautiful.
The car was even better than the other one Sofia had seen and he dropped a hundred dollars from the price and the guy seemed honest, and let me say he was also very patient, and Sofia loved the car, she loved it. Sofia is not really the kind of person who gives happiness away, her happiness is saved for really special moments and by her face this was her moment, after so many months of waiting and saving up money and working odd hours, and taking up with all kinds of crap from the boss and other stupid people she finally had got her pay, a nice beautiful shiny car:D
We were in a guetto in the middle of nowhere in Lisbon, Sofia, me, Sofia's mom, the friend and little Sara(Sofia's sister) at 12am with a stranger (that for all we knew could be a crazy killer waiting to slash us open and sell our organs in the black market)staring at a car happier than we can ever describe...tell me that does not beat tequila shots?????
I think it does. There is nothing better than seeing a friend whom you know sacrificed for something getting that sacrifice repaid.
My crappy day ended on a high note with no tequila shots, but with a lot of smiles and laughter and one big kick ass adventure:D
She was also having a rough day, we have been having a rough week just for different reasons, her main reason was that she could not for the love of herself find a car, a cheap car to buy and her vacation was passing by and time was not on her side.
Yesterday I decided to help so while she searched online and gave me phone numbers and info, I called, amen to conference calls and free hands kit,I searched and called and finally came upon an unrefusable offer.
A little black car that kinda looked like a lady bug for only a few hundred dollars more than her budget, but the ad said those few hundred dollars more would be negotiable.
When you look at an ad to buy a car you already assume whoever posted that ad already overpriced the stupid thing because of course people will try to negotiate, we live in a world which is on a crisis the cheaper you can get something the better. When I called again I asked if the price was negotiable and the lady said yes, so far so good, we arranged a meeting and off Sofia went in ecstatic happiness to see this little car that could end her bitter days of bus riding.
She loved the car! I received a call later saying the deal was made and that she was going to get the car the next day. We wanted to celebrate, I wanted to celebrate, well I just needed an excuse to go out for tequila shots and that was a very good one.
It turns out now days spoken agreements do not have the power they used to have back in the day, if I recall correctly back in the day you could get killed if you broke a verbal agreement, because 45 min later the ladie's husband called saying he was not going to sell the car for the price Sofia had agreed with his wife because he had someone else interested who was stupid and wanted to pay full price. If you asked me that's bullshit, but hey there was really nothing she could do she liked the car so she agreed to pay full price, she was upset, we were all upset, we all wanted a piece of that man.
No one likes to be made a fool of. We went to Cascais anyway for our tequila shots, that never happened because Sofia's mom called saying the whole situation was bothering her and she was coming to meet us so we could discuss it and find a solution.
So instead of tequila shots we sat at the mall at 10pm at night looking at car ads in the newspaper. That alone was a sight to be seen. We finally found a car that Sofia liked by 11pm and we called, the thing is she had to make a decision right then because today was the day she had to give answers, but we also needed to see the car from the newspaper, and the car was in Lisbon in a place no one knew how to get to, I knew where it was, just not exactely how to get there, but we managed between ex-boyfriends who are kind enough to pick up the phone at odd hours to give directions, and not so secret admireres who live in Lisbon an are just too eager to help, and actual friends, we got there, and there my friends was the Guetto!!!!!!!!!
I think our friend who was driving wanted to kill us, literally kill us, besides yelling all the different directions, telling him to turn right on top of the exits, we also took him to the guetto to see a car at midnight, oh we are good, we are awesome, we got lost, in the guetto:D
We had no idea where we were neither had the car guy any idea where we were, we just kept missing eachother, after almost 45 min he finally found us and the car was beautiful.
The car was even better than the other one Sofia had seen and he dropped a hundred dollars from the price and the guy seemed honest, and let me say he was also very patient, and Sofia loved the car, she loved it. Sofia is not really the kind of person who gives happiness away, her happiness is saved for really special moments and by her face this was her moment, after so many months of waiting and saving up money and working odd hours, and taking up with all kinds of crap from the boss and other stupid people she finally had got her pay, a nice beautiful shiny car:D
We were in a guetto in the middle of nowhere in Lisbon, Sofia, me, Sofia's mom, the friend and little Sara(Sofia's sister) at 12am with a stranger (that for all we knew could be a crazy killer waiting to slash us open and sell our organs in the black market)staring at a car happier than we can ever describe...tell me that does not beat tequila shots?????
I think it does. There is nothing better than seeing a friend whom you know sacrificed for something getting that sacrifice repaid.
My crappy day ended on a high note with no tequila shots, but with a lot of smiles and laughter and one big kick ass adventure:D
Friday, August 27, 2010
I held a Baby
I held a baby the other day at my friend's birthday party and I made sense...
There is something magical about babies, their tiny hands ad feet, their perfect little fingers, how they hold on tight to our fingers even though they are so small.
I can never stop being amazed at babies capability of making people feel. No matter how cold hearted you are when you hold a baby it melts, you melt and it is the strangest feeling.
I didn't want to go to that party, I was tired and I had had a hard day, plus for some reason going to that party made me feel overwhelmed. I don't really enjoy being places where I don't know everybody, or in social gatherings where I have to pretend I like people with whom I really have no connection with, but there are times in life where you have to suck it up so others may have a happy day. So I sucked it up:D
When I got there I got to hold my friend's baby girl. She is beautiful, looks like a catalog baby and she loved me. She cried a little at first because she wanted me to walk around(just because they can't speak does not mean they cannot communicate:P)
I walked around and cradled her in my arms and watched her slowly falling asleep in my arms, I sang to her and whispered poems to her and nursery rhymes. I felt so peaceful and like I could do that forever.
Now that is a new feeling. There was a time in my life when I wanted children, loads of children around me yelling my name, asking me to tell stories and kiss boo boos, but as it came it was gone.
I started working and I guess work filled in that place where those feelings were.
I guess it had to do with fear, I saw all my friends having babies and I saw what it did to some of them and I started wondering if that's what I wanted for my life.
I also secretly wondered if I was ever going to be a good mom. Human beings are bound to make mistakes and hurt those they love and I wasn't ready to make mistakes.
I saw too many of those growing up and I came to the conclusion there are three types of women: women who were born to be a mother, women who were born to have a career not children, and women who were born to be single mom's(I know the latter will bring out a lot of contradicting opinions, but I firmly believe some women would just do a better job at parenting ALONE.
I came to believe I fitted the 2 option best of all, I believed in career, and you can't be good at both like some women say that they can have their career and be a good mother, that's lie...you can't serve two masters, there are sacrifices you have to make and things you will need to give up if you want to be a good mother. I guess I was being selfish because I chose, I chose being good at what I do whatever that was, but no matter how high I get off of work I never got that feeling I got when I held my friend's baby...like everything made sense and how by holding that tiny life in my hands, the world was a better place. Because it is a tiny life who will need love and guidance and discipline. A little person who will grow up to be a lot like me while being different. Who will go to school and come home to ME. With lovely stories, and sometimes tears and frustration, a little person who will come to me for assurance, refuge, security. Who will love ME, because I WILL be their mother.
I will be someone's mother and that is the scariest thought I have ever had in my life, because there is no way to know if I will be good at it. I have no idea if just by having THAT feeling I will be a good mother. Will I disappoint my children like I sometimes was disappointed with my parents???? Will I be able to assure them so they can build their own little identities without overwhelming them with my ideas and rules???? Will I be able to protect them from pain as long as I possibly can???? How does one know one is ready to be a mother????
How will I know I am ready????
I am an over analyzer I always was, and I don't like not having all the answers and I know there is a God in this big picture of mine who will always be there watching over my babies when I can't, but I will be someone's mother and I want to be good at it. The thing with being a mother is there are no books where you can study from, no recurrent facts to support any particular parenting skill, there are no standard ways to how to be a good mother, so I can analyze all I want, question all I want I will be stuck in an adventure and after they are out here those little adventures cannot be returned to sender. I can focus on my work all I want it will never give me that feeling, it will never bring out in me the amount of love I have to give a child, my child.
All I knew while I held that tiny baby in my arms is that I want that, I want to know there is someone out there I love unconditionally who unconditionally loves me back because I am their mother and my friends you only have ONE mother, there is no substitute for being SOMEONE'S mother, believe me, that is something I know only to well...
I will be someone's mother one day:)
There is something magical about babies, their tiny hands ad feet, their perfect little fingers, how they hold on tight to our fingers even though they are so small.
I can never stop being amazed at babies capability of making people feel. No matter how cold hearted you are when you hold a baby it melts, you melt and it is the strangest feeling.
I didn't want to go to that party, I was tired and I had had a hard day, plus for some reason going to that party made me feel overwhelmed. I don't really enjoy being places where I don't know everybody, or in social gatherings where I have to pretend I like people with whom I really have no connection with, but there are times in life where you have to suck it up so others may have a happy day. So I sucked it up:D
When I got there I got to hold my friend's baby girl. She is beautiful, looks like a catalog baby and she loved me. She cried a little at first because she wanted me to walk around(just because they can't speak does not mean they cannot communicate:P)
I walked around and cradled her in my arms and watched her slowly falling asleep in my arms, I sang to her and whispered poems to her and nursery rhymes. I felt so peaceful and like I could do that forever.
Now that is a new feeling. There was a time in my life when I wanted children, loads of children around me yelling my name, asking me to tell stories and kiss boo boos, but as it came it was gone.
I started working and I guess work filled in that place where those feelings were.
I guess it had to do with fear, I saw all my friends having babies and I saw what it did to some of them and I started wondering if that's what I wanted for my life.
I also secretly wondered if I was ever going to be a good mom. Human beings are bound to make mistakes and hurt those they love and I wasn't ready to make mistakes.
I saw too many of those growing up and I came to the conclusion there are three types of women: women who were born to be a mother, women who were born to have a career not children, and women who were born to be single mom's(I know the latter will bring out a lot of contradicting opinions, but I firmly believe some women would just do a better job at parenting ALONE.
I came to believe I fitted the 2 option best of all, I believed in career, and you can't be good at both like some women say that they can have their career and be a good mother, that's lie...you can't serve two masters, there are sacrifices you have to make and things you will need to give up if you want to be a good mother. I guess I was being selfish because I chose, I chose being good at what I do whatever that was, but no matter how high I get off of work I never got that feeling I got when I held my friend's baby...like everything made sense and how by holding that tiny life in my hands, the world was a better place. Because it is a tiny life who will need love and guidance and discipline. A little person who will grow up to be a lot like me while being different. Who will go to school and come home to ME. With lovely stories, and sometimes tears and frustration, a little person who will come to me for assurance, refuge, security. Who will love ME, because I WILL be their mother.
I will be someone's mother and that is the scariest thought I have ever had in my life, because there is no way to know if I will be good at it. I have no idea if just by having THAT feeling I will be a good mother. Will I disappoint my children like I sometimes was disappointed with my parents???? Will I be able to assure them so they can build their own little identities without overwhelming them with my ideas and rules???? Will I be able to protect them from pain as long as I possibly can???? How does one know one is ready to be a mother????
How will I know I am ready????
I am an over analyzer I always was, and I don't like not having all the answers and I know there is a God in this big picture of mine who will always be there watching over my babies when I can't, but I will be someone's mother and I want to be good at it. The thing with being a mother is there are no books where you can study from, no recurrent facts to support any particular parenting skill, there are no standard ways to how to be a good mother, so I can analyze all I want, question all I want I will be stuck in an adventure and after they are out here those little adventures cannot be returned to sender. I can focus on my work all I want it will never give me that feeling, it will never bring out in me the amount of love I have to give a child, my child.
All I knew while I held that tiny baby in my arms is that I want that, I want to know there is someone out there I love unconditionally who unconditionally loves me back because I am their mother and my friends you only have ONE mother, there is no substitute for being SOMEONE'S mother, believe me, that is something I know only to well...
I will be someone's mother one day:)
Monday, August 23, 2010
Lately
Lately inspiration has left me,
Lately life has been crazy and overwhelming,
Lately people I love have come and have left.
Lately work has been interesting and I have learned so much,
Lately I have met really interesting people and made very good new friends,
Lately I have laughed and cried more often that I'd like,
Lately I have heard some really good singers perform,
Lately I have thought more and more about the past and how I cannot make any sense out of it,
Lately I have realized I changed so much in only one year,
Lately I have understood the meaning of family, support, commitment, etc,
Lately I have stopped and listened instead of yelling,
Lately I have cared less about what other people think,
Lately I have been selfish,
Lately I have made amendments in past relationships that need mending before they can be perfect,
Lately I have whispered to God my little secrets,
Lately I ave taken the time to breathe,
Lately I have redecorated my soul:D
Lately, just lately have I been me, in a very long time, and how good is that:)
Lately life has been crazy and overwhelming,
Lately people I love have come and have left.
Lately work has been interesting and I have learned so much,
Lately I have met really interesting people and made very good new friends,
Lately I have laughed and cried more often that I'd like,
Lately I have heard some really good singers perform,
Lately I have thought more and more about the past and how I cannot make any sense out of it,
Lately I have realized I changed so much in only one year,
Lately I have understood the meaning of family, support, commitment, etc,
Lately I have stopped and listened instead of yelling,
Lately I have cared less about what other people think,
Lately I have been selfish,
Lately I have made amendments in past relationships that need mending before they can be perfect,
Lately I have whispered to God my little secrets,
Lately I ave taken the time to breathe,
Lately I have redecorated my soul:D
Lately, just lately have I been me, in a very long time, and how good is that:)
Monday, July 26, 2010
Love me
Brown Thrush singing all day long
In the leaves above me,
Take my love this little song,
"Love me, love me, love me!"
When he harkens what you say,
Bid him, lest he miss me,
Leave his work or leave his play,
And kiss me, kiss me, kiss me!
Sara Teasdale
In the leaves above me,
Take my love this little song,
"Love me, love me, love me!"
When he harkens what you say,
Bid him, lest he miss me,
Leave his work or leave his play,
And kiss me, kiss me, kiss me!
Sara Teasdale
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Moments
I don´t usually like writing about family.
For all these years I haven´t really have been given any thought about it.
My family after my mom passed away sort of got scattered around 3 different continents and I just had to deal with that fact and suck it up.
I guess I could say I chose my family the second time around, God is kind that way, he allowed me to hand pick the family I wish I could have and actually get to enjoy being part of it.
I felt secure and loved by the Fernandes family like I had never had felt in my own family. Again, I never even thought too much about it.
Today my "sister" turned 19 and as I was sitting there with the whole family, being part of their lives, their laughs, their happiness and joy I felt truly blessed.
All I wanted to do was hug them and never let go.
I had built this cover that I needed no family to be happy, I had good friends and that should be enough, because people have a way of failing you somehow, but as I was there I could only think about the many times I had failed them this past 5 years and not once they gave up on me.
Most people could and would have done it, but they never did.
My sister has heard me cry and laugh many times and not once she turned me down or didn´t have a kind word to say to me, even if she had to tell me how wrong I was before.
My younger sister brightens my day, she makes me laugh all the time and is really good at keeping secrets. She in some ways reminds me of myself.
My "mom" is the one I run to for advice and for assurance of who I am in God when I have lost sight of it in the mist of my overwhelming feelings. She believes in me, when I don´t.
And my "dad", oh I love my dad. We don´t get to sit and talk as much as I would love to, but I don´t think we really need that. He looks at me and that look speaks more than a thousand conversations. He keeps me on track, and I am not quite sure he is even aware of it.
I can assure that I have been on the right path because of him these years.
Respect is the foundation, so words are really not necessary.
They are not the only ones though, the Catarino and the Fernandes family are a big, big family and I love them all dearly, they all have influenced me and impacted my life in such a way, it is hard to describe in words.
I wish I could only express it in a way that people could understand.
The best thing I can say is that if God would let you chose the family you were born into, I would choose them, without a doubt
I am the adopted daughter, sister, grandaughter, cousin, niece and I adore it.
A I was looking at my sister today on her birthday, seeing her smile and laugh I felt so lucky and so blessed to be able to part of that.
I was part of something bigger than myself, part of a family, part of love.
My dear sisters are both leaving this year, one to college, the other for an exchange year in the States. We grew up together and it feels weird that I won´t have them around.
For a little bit I freaked out, I felt like I was "losing" something.
But you can´t lose family, family is forever, family never ever lets go, family sticks together, supports each other, family, family, family. That word just feels good.
God is kind that way...I see God every single time look at my "family" and isn´t that just awesome?
For all these years I haven´t really have been given any thought about it.
My family after my mom passed away sort of got scattered around 3 different continents and I just had to deal with that fact and suck it up.
I guess I could say I chose my family the second time around, God is kind that way, he allowed me to hand pick the family I wish I could have and actually get to enjoy being part of it.
I felt secure and loved by the Fernandes family like I had never had felt in my own family. Again, I never even thought too much about it.
Today my "sister" turned 19 and as I was sitting there with the whole family, being part of their lives, their laughs, their happiness and joy I felt truly blessed.
All I wanted to do was hug them and never let go.
I had built this cover that I needed no family to be happy, I had good friends and that should be enough, because people have a way of failing you somehow, but as I was there I could only think about the many times I had failed them this past 5 years and not once they gave up on me.
Most people could and would have done it, but they never did.
My sister has heard me cry and laugh many times and not once she turned me down or didn´t have a kind word to say to me, even if she had to tell me how wrong I was before.
My younger sister brightens my day, she makes me laugh all the time and is really good at keeping secrets. She in some ways reminds me of myself.
My "mom" is the one I run to for advice and for assurance of who I am in God when I have lost sight of it in the mist of my overwhelming feelings. She believes in me, when I don´t.
And my "dad", oh I love my dad. We don´t get to sit and talk as much as I would love to, but I don´t think we really need that. He looks at me and that look speaks more than a thousand conversations. He keeps me on track, and I am not quite sure he is even aware of it.
I can assure that I have been on the right path because of him these years.
Respect is the foundation, so words are really not necessary.
They are not the only ones though, the Catarino and the Fernandes family are a big, big family and I love them all dearly, they all have influenced me and impacted my life in such a way, it is hard to describe in words.
I wish I could only express it in a way that people could understand.
The best thing I can say is that if God would let you chose the family you were born into, I would choose them, without a doubt
I am the adopted daughter, sister, grandaughter, cousin, niece and I adore it.
A I was looking at my sister today on her birthday, seeing her smile and laugh I felt so lucky and so blessed to be able to part of that.
I was part of something bigger than myself, part of a family, part of love.
My dear sisters are both leaving this year, one to college, the other for an exchange year in the States. We grew up together and it feels weird that I won´t have them around.
For a little bit I freaked out, I felt like I was "losing" something.
But you can´t lose family, family is forever, family never ever lets go, family sticks together, supports each other, family, family, family. That word just feels good.
God is kind that way...I see God every single time look at my "family" and isn´t that just awesome?
Friday, June 18, 2010
Hi
I was listening to this song and warm thoughts of love and sadness, hurt and happiness, quiet times and laughter came to mind.
The song is by drive and lucia moniz and I always loved it for many, many reasons.
I won´t give up on you:)
"Lúcia Moniz A Wish (keep Fighting) lyrics"
(Drive)
Please don't be scared
I won't dissapoint you
Just look at my face
I shouldn't love you anyway
I wanna try it
I think I'm already trying
I'm already trying
Because I believe it
Yes I believe it
And I am trying...
(Lúcia Moniz)
Please keep fighting
Keep fighting...
Together we can build something beautiful
Please keep fighting
Together we'll build love...
(Drive)
I can't live without you
Could I ever learn how to live wiht you?
(Drive e Lúcia Moniz)
Cause I believe it
Yes I believe it
And I am trying...
Please keep fighting
Keep fighting
Together we can build something beautiful
Please keep fighting
Together we'll build love...
Please keep fighting
Keep fighting
Together we can build something beautiful
Please keep fighting
Keep fighting...
(Drive e Lúcia Moniz)
I wont give up on you...
Please keep fighting
Together we'll build love...
Don't you give up now on me
I won't give up on you...
The song is by drive and lucia moniz and I always loved it for many, many reasons.
I won´t give up on you:)
"Lúcia Moniz A Wish (keep Fighting) lyrics"
(Drive)
Please don't be scared
I won't dissapoint you
Just look at my face
I shouldn't love you anyway
I wanna try it
I think I'm already trying
I'm already trying
Because I believe it
Yes I believe it
And I am trying...
(Lúcia Moniz)
Please keep fighting
Keep fighting...
Together we can build something beautiful
Please keep fighting
Together we'll build love...
(Drive)
I can't live without you
Could I ever learn how to live wiht you?
(Drive e Lúcia Moniz)
Cause I believe it
Yes I believe it
And I am trying...
Please keep fighting
Keep fighting
Together we can build something beautiful
Please keep fighting
Together we'll build love...
Please keep fighting
Keep fighting
Together we can build something beautiful
Please keep fighting
Keep fighting...
(Drive e Lúcia Moniz)
I wont give up on you...
Please keep fighting
Together we'll build love...
Don't you give up now on me
I won't give up on you...
Guess who´s back, back again...
Hello 1 or 2 people who read my blog, I am back:)
I am actually siting in my living room in my home writing this.
After fighting against it since I first moved here I decided it would be smart to get the internet, the phone and cable at my house if I wanted to continue to have family.
So I will have to get back in my writing mode, 8 months at a store in the mall kinda made stupid, my brain feels numb.
Much has changed, but life has been kind to me lately. I have a good job at a clinic, being a dentist´s assistant, I wish I could say I am loving it, but most times I just get frustrated because I haven´t nailed it yet. Soon I will just love it all the time.
I applied for Nursing School, getting back in the study mode was even harder than the dentist thing. My exam wasn´t great but I can go on the second phase of the Portuguese National Exams. It´s nerve wrecking, but I have to if I ever want to do something I love.
Te biggest change in my life was that, I gt a dog! Her name is Rilla and she has become my greatest love of all It is just like having a child and sometimes I really just want to throw her out of the window, but she makes me laugh and she is a very good company.
I think it made me even more responsible to have her. I care for her and I have someone who needs me and loves me uncondicionally, which is more than some people can say.
I got more than I bargained for and I wouldn´t give her up ever.
I think I love my dog better than some people in my life ad I am not ashamed to say it.
Love
Me
I am actually siting in my living room in my home writing this.
After fighting against it since I first moved here I decided it would be smart to get the internet, the phone and cable at my house if I wanted to continue to have family.
So I will have to get back in my writing mode, 8 months at a store in the mall kinda made stupid, my brain feels numb.
Much has changed, but life has been kind to me lately. I have a good job at a clinic, being a dentist´s assistant, I wish I could say I am loving it, but most times I just get frustrated because I haven´t nailed it yet. Soon I will just love it all the time.
I applied for Nursing School, getting back in the study mode was even harder than the dentist thing. My exam wasn´t great but I can go on the second phase of the Portuguese National Exams. It´s nerve wrecking, but I have to if I ever want to do something I love.
Te biggest change in my life was that, I gt a dog! Her name is Rilla and she has become my greatest love of all It is just like having a child and sometimes I really just want to throw her out of the window, but she makes me laugh and she is a very good company.
I think it made me even more responsible to have her. I care for her and I have someone who needs me and loves me uncondicionally, which is more than some people can say.
I got more than I bargained for and I wouldn´t give her up ever.
I think I love my dog better than some people in my life ad I am not ashamed to say it.
Love
Me
Thursday, April 8, 2010
I love the wonders of technology:) I always loved my phone,it's always on,under my pillow,everywhere and when I leave it behind forgotten which is rarely I hiperventilate. I had never thought about the possibility of having the internet on it I usually use it for smsing and talkin on it for hours,but my boredom yesterday was great and I found out I had the internet and it was for free. Love it! So here I am exploring my new possibilites and for all I do this is quite enough. My poor little blog that has been quiet for quite sometime will soon be pumping again. Hooray! Starting tomorrow! Hope it will work it'S charm again on me, I sure need:)*
Sunday, January 17, 2010
The Life of a Baby-Sitter
Being a baby-sitter is not easy. It is the trial before becoming a mom, I can guaratee I am one of the best baby-sitters in town, but I am not ready to be a mother.
When my alarm clock goes off at 5:45 am so I can go baby-sit at 6:45 am, my soul hurts, oh it does. The thought of dirty diapers and sleepy kids make me just want to go right back into my bed, but the stories, oh the stories I have to tell...
Right in the morning hearing a 7 year old yell out of the bathroom for you, it's not the most joyful sound.
"TEHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRR"
"wHAT???? Just move it we have to go to school!!!!!"
"Tehuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrr"
"Whattttttttttttttttt??????"
" Come hereeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
(Tehur goes, mumbling under her breath of how she will be late to work and scared, oh so scared of what she will find)
And scared should she be...
In the bathroom is a 7 year old holding on to a soaked in poop and pee and water toilet paper roll...
"It fell in the toilet, can you throw it out??? Here take it."
What else could I do... Held it with two fingers and with my grossed out face threw it away.
What else could I do...I laughed under my breath, inside I was wanting to burst into a wild laughter, never did I imagine that holding on to a soeaked in poopy roll of paper would be the outcome of my mornings after working in a company all executive like, dealing with men and clients, now I have my tiny costumers with real needs and wild imaginations. All they ever want is for me to play, build car tracks and make plane sounds. To sit on the floor and read stories on a rainy day.
And that executive world, with the men in their impecable suits and freaky ties, seem a million worlds away. The yelling clients and the stress are like a dream I once had and the high heels and manicured nails are just old pictures.
All it matters now is that I can finger paint and kiss a boo boo better and maybe if the rain won't go away a big mug of hot cocoa.
And that my friends is all that matters to me on my daily basis.
Eevn though I am not ready to be a mom, I would never trade my dirty diapers and car tracks back for that world of adulthood, from that I want distance.
I rather draw rainbows, thank you very much!
When my alarm clock goes off at 5:45 am so I can go baby-sit at 6:45 am, my soul hurts, oh it does. The thought of dirty diapers and sleepy kids make me just want to go right back into my bed, but the stories, oh the stories I have to tell...
Right in the morning hearing a 7 year old yell out of the bathroom for you, it's not the most joyful sound.
"TEHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRR"
"wHAT???? Just move it we have to go to school!!!!!"
"Tehuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrr"
"Whattttttttttttttttt??????"
" Come hereeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
(Tehur goes, mumbling under her breath of how she will be late to work and scared, oh so scared of what she will find)
And scared should she be...
In the bathroom is a 7 year old holding on to a soaked in poop and pee and water toilet paper roll...
"It fell in the toilet, can you throw it out??? Here take it."
What else could I do... Held it with two fingers and with my grossed out face threw it away.
What else could I do...I laughed under my breath, inside I was wanting to burst into a wild laughter, never did I imagine that holding on to a soeaked in poopy roll of paper would be the outcome of my mornings after working in a company all executive like, dealing with men and clients, now I have my tiny costumers with real needs and wild imaginations. All they ever want is for me to play, build car tracks and make plane sounds. To sit on the floor and read stories on a rainy day.
And that executive world, with the men in their impecable suits and freaky ties, seem a million worlds away. The yelling clients and the stress are like a dream I once had and the high heels and manicured nails are just old pictures.
All it matters now is that I can finger paint and kiss a boo boo better and maybe if the rain won't go away a big mug of hot cocoa.
And that my friends is all that matters to me on my daily basis.
Eevn though I am not ready to be a mom, I would never trade my dirty diapers and car tracks back for that world of adulthood, from that I want distance.
I rather draw rainbows, thank you very much!
Madness
I haven't written on my blog for quite a while and although a lot of very nice things have happenned so have a lot of weird and sad things.
I haven't really been able to vent and work has been crazy and great at the same time. Even though I could not go back to my teaching job, that closed door has opened others like babysitting jobs that not only have helped my budget, but also grown that bug in me for teaching.
You will like to know that I have not moved out of my apartment, I have managed to stay there and I could not think of any better place to be at the moment than at my home.
Like everything in life in the realm of relationships, not only romantic, but in general, life has not been easy on me.
I don't think any year has been quite like 2009, not only did I live my great adventure with going to Africa, started my blog which I love, moved out, moved in, been dating and dumped and got dumped, but it was also the year of growth in me.
I did not see it while I was down in the dump crying my eyes out, nope, neither did I see it when I was laughing and smiling and loving and being loved, nope! I saw it when I sat alone contemplating the fact that I felt like nothing really significant had really happened, and then it hit me.
The tears, the laughter, the sadness, the happiness, it changed me.
I love and hate that! It makes me happy it changed me and it makes me sad that with it I lost so much more of that innocence that in some way or other I held on so dearly to.
I just turned 23 and I feel there is so much yet to learn, but if it will be anywhere near 2009 I rather not:P\If it were ever that easy!!!!
I haven't really been able to vent and work has been crazy and great at the same time. Even though I could not go back to my teaching job, that closed door has opened others like babysitting jobs that not only have helped my budget, but also grown that bug in me for teaching.
You will like to know that I have not moved out of my apartment, I have managed to stay there and I could not think of any better place to be at the moment than at my home.
Like everything in life in the realm of relationships, not only romantic, but in general, life has not been easy on me.
I don't think any year has been quite like 2009, not only did I live my great adventure with going to Africa, started my blog which I love, moved out, moved in, been dating and dumped and got dumped, but it was also the year of growth in me.
I did not see it while I was down in the dump crying my eyes out, nope, neither did I see it when I was laughing and smiling and loving and being loved, nope! I saw it when I sat alone contemplating the fact that I felt like nothing really significant had really happened, and then it hit me.
The tears, the laughter, the sadness, the happiness, it changed me.
I love and hate that! It makes me happy it changed me and it makes me sad that with it I lost so much more of that innocence that in some way or other I held on so dearly to.
I just turned 23 and I feel there is so much yet to learn, but if it will be anywhere near 2009 I rather not:P\If it were ever that easy!!!!
Friday, November 6, 2009
Back "Home"
I feel like the Prodigal Son somehow!
I promised myself I would not ever as long as I lived return to work at any mall, I thought 5 years was more than enough and I was quite done with it. I was so, so, so far away from the truth it hurts.
When I came back from Africa I really thought my life was going to suffer major changes, and oh man it did, just not in the way I expected. I nailed a nine to five job, weekends off, I moved houses, I was in a new relationship and as it seems I was blind too because no matter how the truth danced in front of my eyes I just kind of ignored it. Some things can't be ignored that easily.
My nine to five job was amazing in terms of what I did, I dealt with people and like I have said before I loved it, but it turned out crap in the people I work with area, so of course I knew I would not stay there forever, my house was nice while it lasted, but with no house mate anymore there is no way I will ever be able to afford my apartment and my relationship... Well that's a stand-by right now.
To be really honest all I wanted to do was pack my bags and leave, and I am woman enough to do that I had the money for a ticket somewhere, but I decided I was going to be responsible and stay and eat up this crumbled cookie that is my life right now.
I know it seems I am a crumbled cookie a lot of times, I have a tendency to be a crumbled cookie I guess that is how I learn and it all comes from being stubborn and hard headed about my decisions. I have tried to get better, to be more submissive and listening, but I suck at it big, big time.
So I went back to the mall and begged, literally begged for my job back. Talk about humble pie!!!!
I got it back! So that is why I feel like the prodigal son today.
I guess it is a new lesson I learned the hard way.
Let's see where this journey is going to take me.
Pray I find a new house, that things get fixed and relationships healed...
Much Love.
Te
I promised myself I would not ever as long as I lived return to work at any mall, I thought 5 years was more than enough and I was quite done with it. I was so, so, so far away from the truth it hurts.
When I came back from Africa I really thought my life was going to suffer major changes, and oh man it did, just not in the way I expected. I nailed a nine to five job, weekends off, I moved houses, I was in a new relationship and as it seems I was blind too because no matter how the truth danced in front of my eyes I just kind of ignored it. Some things can't be ignored that easily.
My nine to five job was amazing in terms of what I did, I dealt with people and like I have said before I loved it, but it turned out crap in the people I work with area, so of course I knew I would not stay there forever, my house was nice while it lasted, but with no house mate anymore there is no way I will ever be able to afford my apartment and my relationship... Well that's a stand-by right now.
To be really honest all I wanted to do was pack my bags and leave, and I am woman enough to do that I had the money for a ticket somewhere, but I decided I was going to be responsible and stay and eat up this crumbled cookie that is my life right now.
I know it seems I am a crumbled cookie a lot of times, I have a tendency to be a crumbled cookie I guess that is how I learn and it all comes from being stubborn and hard headed about my decisions. I have tried to get better, to be more submissive and listening, but I suck at it big, big time.
So I went back to the mall and begged, literally begged for my job back. Talk about humble pie!!!!
I got it back! So that is why I feel like the prodigal son today.
I guess it is a new lesson I learned the hard way.
Let's see where this journey is going to take me.
Pray I find a new house, that things get fixed and relationships healed...
Much Love.
Te
Friday, October 23, 2009
Sometimes
Sometimes the world is upside down, and all I see is walls around.
Sometimes hope goes on a way, but finds you on some other place,
And sometimes I feel so blue, I'd make the blueberry boo.
For most times I get so lost, I honestly lose all trust,
But when I look around and get to feel the solid ground, right under my feet,
The world somehow, starts to make sense,I let happiness take a chance...
Soon, before I know, my heart just overflows, with music and cheer,
Dance erupts from within and I sing songs and I sing hymns...
Sometimes joy is a decision and hope your very mission,
So don't give up just yet...
Give your soul another chance:
To Hope,
To Love,
To Dance,
To Learn,
Because sometimes that's all it takes, for your self to be reborn....
Sometimes hope goes on a way, but finds you on some other place,
And sometimes I feel so blue, I'd make the blueberry boo.
For most times I get so lost, I honestly lose all trust,
But when I look around and get to feel the solid ground, right under my feet,
The world somehow, starts to make sense,I let happiness take a chance...
Soon, before I know, my heart just overflows, with music and cheer,
Dance erupts from within and I sing songs and I sing hymns...
Sometimes joy is a decision and hope your very mission,
So don't give up just yet...
Give your soul another chance:
To Hope,
To Love,
To Dance,
To Learn,
Because sometimes that's all it takes, for your self to be reborn....
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Ready or Not Here I come!
I was talking to my sister today, really pouring my heart out on how uncentered I have felt for the past few months, and we came to the conclusion I am in need of a new adventure.
I have pretty much felt uncentered since I came back from Africa. It is a feeling of being lost inside myself. Coming back sure was not easy, getting used the craziness again was the weirdest thing.I felt like I did not belong to this anymore, I had fallen in love with another country, another culture and my culture was now strange to me.
It sounds dumb, but it's true.
I thought I would fix my mess with a new job, and a new relationship, and a new house and a new everything. I was wrong! I did not fix anything, I created a rollercoaster and the rollercoaster is making me sick.
Most times I feel really lonely in the middle of the mess, and I feel like I want to cry and I terribly miss my mom, actually miss my family and all I want to do is to run home. Now there is no home to run to, there's only friends and pretend families and I love them to pieces, but it is not the same.
Some people feel that having security and stability in their lives is what they need to fix the mess, the rollercoaster...I go on what I call adventures!
Adventures fix me inside, because I get to see life and people in a whole different perspective, I am shaped by those experiences and I learn so much more than I ever would at work or school.
Besides adventures make me happy, they bring joy to my life, I find I can adapt better to a new scenario than to stay the same.
My feeling of not having a center has a lot to do with the fact that I have found it really hard to see my Mr. God in the places where I have been. When you can´t see God, feel God, turn to God in times of happiness and sadness you are easily thrown into confusion and chaos. All you can do at moments like that is to not let go, never let go and God will come rescue you if you keep on fighting.
I want my center back and I want my life changed, it has been a lot farther away than it is right now.
Broken hearts, and crappy jobs, fake people and a terrible feeling of loss can actually be a miracle on your way to bigger, better, most amazing things than you could have possibly imagined.
I hate the mess right now, I hate crying so many times and be thrown on my knees so many times, I hate believing and then being betrayed, I hate putting my heart out there and then get it trampled by people I was sure loved me, I hate the rollercoaster, but even I have to admit it's necessary.
I am being shaped, I am a little closer to that which I am supposed to be.
That's what keeps me going, that's what makes me not want to give up, that is exactly way I love my God even when I can honestly tell the world He is not my center right now, because He won't give up on me, and neither will I.
Maybe my adventure right now is not so much go away and travel the world, but stay here and regain my center, maybe the changes are little, but here or in me.
Maybe in the midst of it all the bigger adventure is to learn how to let go and give it all to whom can fix it instead of holding it all in and playing God.
Maybe my big adventure is to find me...here!
And that is pretty crazy:D
I have pretty much felt uncentered since I came back from Africa. It is a feeling of being lost inside myself. Coming back sure was not easy, getting used the craziness again was the weirdest thing.I felt like I did not belong to this anymore, I had fallen in love with another country, another culture and my culture was now strange to me.
It sounds dumb, but it's true.
I thought I would fix my mess with a new job, and a new relationship, and a new house and a new everything. I was wrong! I did not fix anything, I created a rollercoaster and the rollercoaster is making me sick.
Most times I feel really lonely in the middle of the mess, and I feel like I want to cry and I terribly miss my mom, actually miss my family and all I want to do is to run home. Now there is no home to run to, there's only friends and pretend families and I love them to pieces, but it is not the same.
Some people feel that having security and stability in their lives is what they need to fix the mess, the rollercoaster...I go on what I call adventures!
Adventures fix me inside, because I get to see life and people in a whole different perspective, I am shaped by those experiences and I learn so much more than I ever would at work or school.
Besides adventures make me happy, they bring joy to my life, I find I can adapt better to a new scenario than to stay the same.
My feeling of not having a center has a lot to do with the fact that I have found it really hard to see my Mr. God in the places where I have been. When you can´t see God, feel God, turn to God in times of happiness and sadness you are easily thrown into confusion and chaos. All you can do at moments like that is to not let go, never let go and God will come rescue you if you keep on fighting.
I want my center back and I want my life changed, it has been a lot farther away than it is right now.
Broken hearts, and crappy jobs, fake people and a terrible feeling of loss can actually be a miracle on your way to bigger, better, most amazing things than you could have possibly imagined.
I hate the mess right now, I hate crying so many times and be thrown on my knees so many times, I hate believing and then being betrayed, I hate putting my heart out there and then get it trampled by people I was sure loved me, I hate the rollercoaster, but even I have to admit it's necessary.
I am being shaped, I am a little closer to that which I am supposed to be.
That's what keeps me going, that's what makes me not want to give up, that is exactly way I love my God even when I can honestly tell the world He is not my center right now, because He won't give up on me, and neither will I.
Maybe my adventure right now is not so much go away and travel the world, but stay here and regain my center, maybe the changes are little, but here or in me.
Maybe in the midst of it all the bigger adventure is to learn how to let go and give it all to whom can fix it instead of holding it all in and playing God.
Maybe my big adventure is to find me...here!
And that is pretty crazy:D
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Hard Times
Once every blue moon you are bound to deal with the ghosts of the past that haunt you in some manner and sometimes you won't be ready for it.
I haven't really dealt or even thought about death, pretty much since my mother passed away(I really hate this word, it feels like one is sugarcoating reality).
It is not really one of those subjects one likes to dwell upon. Yes I tend to be a little morbid at times, or throw a morbid joke here and there or have to mention my mom's death to someone, but on the latter I try to do it in a matter of fact way so no one feels uncomfortable, actually I think sometimes I make people too comfortable to talk about my mother's death around me.
My mom was sick, and had been sick for quite a while, and I guess I somehow was aware of it, just didn't want to admit to the hard truth, so I lived in this denial state for a whole year. I lived thinking she would get better, even when I saw my mom cry in pain and despair I wanted to believe so hard that she would get better, that she would become her normal self again. Cancer in not a merciful dicease.
I received the dreadful call, and even tough they would not tell me I informed my grandmother of the facts till, that's when I heard my dad start crying. I will never in my life for as long as I live forget that feeling, it was like I was levitating out of my body, watching all from the outside in. I guess I was in shock!
I was so angry, so sad, so numb all at the same time I ran into my mom's room and locked myself in there, in the dark and the silence, amongst her things whispering to myself it had been a big mistake, that the hospital was gonna call and apologize and we would all laugh about it later...The hospital never called again and the hard truth had to settle and I was the only one not prepared from our family for it. So I did what I do best when stressed,I worked...
I worked my ass off...I focused so hard on the funeral I did not let anyone do anything, not that anyone in our family, prepared or not could do anything. The others were prepared but the sadness was to overwhelming for them, I on the contrary can be very practical when I have to be and as long as I pretended it was not my mother's funeral, I could do it all. I called the hospital, I called family and friends, I arranged for the flowers, the clothes my mom would wear, her casket, everything. It is not something one can brag of, not like you can say "I threw the best funeral ever for my mom you know?" you just do what you have to do...period. That was not the difficult part, that was the easy part, I like the matter-of- fact stuff.
The worst part was when people started arriving. I guess most people feel awkward at funerals, but some people can really be stupid.Asking how are you doing to the 16 year old girl who just lost her mom is not ok, unless you enjoy getting a rude answer. Coming to a funeral when everyone knows you disliked the person who passed is another no-no, unless you enjoy being beaten up. Throwing a crying fit is not ok either unless you are family! These are all good examples of what could set someone who just lost someone anger off.
Since my mom's funeral I have been more aware of this and have undersood that actions, not words can make the difference.
I still have a little note my friend Jesse gave me at my mom's funeral, simple and sweet and at the moment when all around me was just a mess, his note made me feel loved and somehow understood even though he had written that he couldn't possibly know how I was feeling, it made a difference that day, it made a difference to me.
Death is part of life, throughout life I am sure I will attend many more Funerals from dear ones, to complete strangers and I have decided I want to be the one who cares enough not to overwhelm, to be there, to love.
All this brings me to the ghosts of the past because yesterday I had to attend a wake for my friend´s dad who has passed away and like I said I was not ready for them. When I was told he had passed away I was flooded with them ghosts and memories and I knew exactly how my friend was feeling and I knew nothing I said or did, or anyone for that matter would make her pain less. Actually in these moments you do not want your pain lessened, you want to feel everything, because feeling that pain is all you have to hold on to that person who has left you...it's like holding on to a balloon that the wind is pulling away.
When I saw her it broke my heart, because since I already know how it feels I would gladly change places with her, but that wouln't really be being her friend. As a friend you cant't take away the pain, all you can really do is love.
I did not enjoy thinking about the past, but I was glad I went even if it was just to give her a hug, even for just a few minutes,even if I was feeling so impotent. I was glad I was there with her, because showing you care makes the difference, it made for me.
Death is not pleasant, but even from it you gain valuable Life lessons...isn't it ironic????
I haven't really dealt or even thought about death, pretty much since my mother passed away(I really hate this word, it feels like one is sugarcoating reality).
It is not really one of those subjects one likes to dwell upon. Yes I tend to be a little morbid at times, or throw a morbid joke here and there or have to mention my mom's death to someone, but on the latter I try to do it in a matter of fact way so no one feels uncomfortable, actually I think sometimes I make people too comfortable to talk about my mother's death around me.
My mom was sick, and had been sick for quite a while, and I guess I somehow was aware of it, just didn't want to admit to the hard truth, so I lived in this denial state for a whole year. I lived thinking she would get better, even when I saw my mom cry in pain and despair I wanted to believe so hard that she would get better, that she would become her normal self again. Cancer in not a merciful dicease.
I received the dreadful call, and even tough they would not tell me I informed my grandmother of the facts till, that's when I heard my dad start crying. I will never in my life for as long as I live forget that feeling, it was like I was levitating out of my body, watching all from the outside in. I guess I was in shock!
I was so angry, so sad, so numb all at the same time I ran into my mom's room and locked myself in there, in the dark and the silence, amongst her things whispering to myself it had been a big mistake, that the hospital was gonna call and apologize and we would all laugh about it later...The hospital never called again and the hard truth had to settle and I was the only one not prepared from our family for it. So I did what I do best when stressed,I worked...
I worked my ass off...I focused so hard on the funeral I did not let anyone do anything, not that anyone in our family, prepared or not could do anything. The others were prepared but the sadness was to overwhelming for them, I on the contrary can be very practical when I have to be and as long as I pretended it was not my mother's funeral, I could do it all. I called the hospital, I called family and friends, I arranged for the flowers, the clothes my mom would wear, her casket, everything. It is not something one can brag of, not like you can say "I threw the best funeral ever for my mom you know?" you just do what you have to do...period. That was not the difficult part, that was the easy part, I like the matter-of- fact stuff.
The worst part was when people started arriving. I guess most people feel awkward at funerals, but some people can really be stupid.Asking how are you doing to the 16 year old girl who just lost her mom is not ok, unless you enjoy getting a rude answer. Coming to a funeral when everyone knows you disliked the person who passed is another no-no, unless you enjoy being beaten up. Throwing a crying fit is not ok either unless you are family! These are all good examples of what could set someone who just lost someone anger off.
Since my mom's funeral I have been more aware of this and have undersood that actions, not words can make the difference.
I still have a little note my friend Jesse gave me at my mom's funeral, simple and sweet and at the moment when all around me was just a mess, his note made me feel loved and somehow understood even though he had written that he couldn't possibly know how I was feeling, it made a difference that day, it made a difference to me.
Death is part of life, throughout life I am sure I will attend many more Funerals from dear ones, to complete strangers and I have decided I want to be the one who cares enough not to overwhelm, to be there, to love.
All this brings me to the ghosts of the past because yesterday I had to attend a wake for my friend´s dad who has passed away and like I said I was not ready for them. When I was told he had passed away I was flooded with them ghosts and memories and I knew exactly how my friend was feeling and I knew nothing I said or did, or anyone for that matter would make her pain less. Actually in these moments you do not want your pain lessened, you want to feel everything, because feeling that pain is all you have to hold on to that person who has left you...it's like holding on to a balloon that the wind is pulling away.
When I saw her it broke my heart, because since I already know how it feels I would gladly change places with her, but that wouln't really be being her friend. As a friend you cant't take away the pain, all you can really do is love.
I did not enjoy thinking about the past, but I was glad I went even if it was just to give her a hug, even for just a few minutes,even if I was feeling so impotent. I was glad I was there with her, because showing you care makes the difference, it made for me.
Death is not pleasant, but even from it you gain valuable Life lessons...isn't it ironic????
Monday, October 12, 2009
Ai Ai Ai
"You laugh at me because I am different, I laugh at you because you are all the same!"
I like this sentence, I can't really remember where I read it but it brings solace to my soul.
Since I can remember I have heard comments like, "your a little weird!" or "something is missing in your mind!" and more, some not really nice and some from people I really liked. After a while you get used to it.
In a way that is the truth, I really am not quite like most of my friends, I have strange ideas, strange hobbies and some really strange hopes and dreams.
I can't count all the nights I spent discussing ways of creating a time machine, or the many many times I have had conversations with myself. I have fun!
I enjoy seeing things from a different perspective, most times the way "normal" people look at life bores me to death. I cannot believe people grow up and feel they are too old to wear the rainbow, or do a crazy hair do or even sing silly songs. It actually saddens me. I guess that is maybe one of the major reasons why I have always loved to teach the younger classes. I remember one of my students telling me how he was going to build a flying car and take me on a trip around the world. The amount of detail he put into it just made me so happy, I like kids who have an imagination, they can go anywhere, we had some really fun mornings drawing that car and talking about where we would go and what would we do. What kind of person would I be if I told him that was an impossible idea!!! So was the internet and see where we are today:P
The narrowminds of people nowdays astonishes me in such a way I literally sometimes cry over it.
I enjoy being "weird", whoever loves me, loves me anyway and whomsoever doesn't, tough cookie for them.
I like butterflies and fairies, pink, and bubbles and I like to play tag and jump on the trampoline,I like to dance in the rain and eat cotton candy oh yeah!!!!!!
And on the day that I start feeling "too old" to be a kid I hope some good friend will smack me across the face and challange me for a jump on the trampoline.
The world is already too full of seriousness, sadness and despair I won't join in it I will make merry and enjoy laughter while I can, because I doubt there is anything better in the world than a great laugh!!!!!
I like this sentence, I can't really remember where I read it but it brings solace to my soul.
Since I can remember I have heard comments like, "your a little weird!" or "something is missing in your mind!" and more, some not really nice and some from people I really liked. After a while you get used to it.
In a way that is the truth, I really am not quite like most of my friends, I have strange ideas, strange hobbies and some really strange hopes and dreams.
I can't count all the nights I spent discussing ways of creating a time machine, or the many many times I have had conversations with myself. I have fun!
I enjoy seeing things from a different perspective, most times the way "normal" people look at life bores me to death. I cannot believe people grow up and feel they are too old to wear the rainbow, or do a crazy hair do or even sing silly songs. It actually saddens me. I guess that is maybe one of the major reasons why I have always loved to teach the younger classes. I remember one of my students telling me how he was going to build a flying car and take me on a trip around the world. The amount of detail he put into it just made me so happy, I like kids who have an imagination, they can go anywhere, we had some really fun mornings drawing that car and talking about where we would go and what would we do. What kind of person would I be if I told him that was an impossible idea!!! So was the internet and see where we are today:P
The narrowminds of people nowdays astonishes me in such a way I literally sometimes cry over it.
I enjoy being "weird", whoever loves me, loves me anyway and whomsoever doesn't, tough cookie for them.
I like butterflies and fairies, pink, and bubbles and I like to play tag and jump on the trampoline,I like to dance in the rain and eat cotton candy oh yeah!!!!!!
And on the day that I start feeling "too old" to be a kid I hope some good friend will smack me across the face and challange me for a jump on the trampoline.
The world is already too full of seriousness, sadness and despair I won't join in it I will make merry and enjoy laughter while I can, because I doubt there is anything better in the world than a great laugh!!!!!
Friday, October 9, 2009
Friendship
I have been pondering on friendship for quite a while these past days. So much happening such, big changes, so I have to somehow digest all of this and the best way to do that is to sit on my washer that is right by my window while watching people go about their lives I ponder on mine.
You would think friendship would be easy to understand, easy to care for, easy to live with, but like almost everything that involves dealing with people it is not that simple. Long gone are the times I thought that friendships really did last forever as long as they were real. Believe me I learned that one the hard way.
I am not saying that change isn't sometimes...well...necessary, but there will be some attitudes that neither will I forget or understand.
On these past few months I have made new friends, become better friends with old friends and lost some friends(these being the friends I thought I would never lose).
I remember when my best friend went to Minnessota for a whole year, we were inseparable since I don't know when. Every single adventure, boy, fun time, sad moment, we lived it all together, I thought I would never survive without her. I did!
It was a year of tears and laughter and Skype conversations, but we made it and then in a jiffy she was back and it was awkward.
We were happy to see eachtoher and to be reunited, but it felt strange, different and we didn't really know how to readapt to eachother. On that one year she had lived innumerous things, seen different things that I wasn't a part of, and we grew two separate ways. I am not going to lie and say ti was ok, because it wasn't. It hurt me deeply and I remeber crying over it, thinking we would never be able to be best friends again. Quite pathethic when I actually think about it.
We are friends, we still share secrets and laughter, we yell at eachtoher when we have to and we still have sleepovers that are wild, but it is a calmer friendship, thats the best way I can describe it. I don't need to be around her all the time, or call her all the time to know that she is there and she loves me and I have a friend. I guess it is a grown up friendship!
I think that is a process, a good process, a growing process. It took time, faith and a lot of tears, some raw truth and a lot of love, but we managed and I doubt anything could ever break this bond, at least I hope and pray so. I don't take it for granted...
Now some friendships are not like this. There are some people in our lives that we think will never fail us..EVER...and then they do. Not necessarily fail you in the whole sense of the word, but fall short of your exepectations as friends.
~Maybe it was just too much work, maybe it was not worth it, maybe, maybe, maybe.
It hurts and it is a crappy feeling to have.
These kinds of friends, and people for that matter, make me sad, and I pity them. I am quite done with them when I sense this is what is happening.
There is only so much you can do on your side to make it work and thank God, friends are the one thing I am not lacking.
We move on and we let go and we learn a new lesson.
You would think friendship would be easy to understand, easy to care for, easy to live with, but like almost everything that involves dealing with people it is not that simple. Long gone are the times I thought that friendships really did last forever as long as they were real. Believe me I learned that one the hard way.
I am not saying that change isn't sometimes...well...necessary, but there will be some attitudes that neither will I forget or understand.
On these past few months I have made new friends, become better friends with old friends and lost some friends(these being the friends I thought I would never lose).
I remember when my best friend went to Minnessota for a whole year, we were inseparable since I don't know when. Every single adventure, boy, fun time, sad moment, we lived it all together, I thought I would never survive without her. I did!
It was a year of tears and laughter and Skype conversations, but we made it and then in a jiffy she was back and it was awkward.
We were happy to see eachtoher and to be reunited, but it felt strange, different and we didn't really know how to readapt to eachother. On that one year she had lived innumerous things, seen different things that I wasn't a part of, and we grew two separate ways. I am not going to lie and say ti was ok, because it wasn't. It hurt me deeply and I remeber crying over it, thinking we would never be able to be best friends again. Quite pathethic when I actually think about it.
We are friends, we still share secrets and laughter, we yell at eachtoher when we have to and we still have sleepovers that are wild, but it is a calmer friendship, thats the best way I can describe it. I don't need to be around her all the time, or call her all the time to know that she is there and she loves me and I have a friend. I guess it is a grown up friendship!
I think that is a process, a good process, a growing process. It took time, faith and a lot of tears, some raw truth and a lot of love, but we managed and I doubt anything could ever break this bond, at least I hope and pray so. I don't take it for granted...
Now some friendships are not like this. There are some people in our lives that we think will never fail us..EVER...and then they do. Not necessarily fail you in the whole sense of the word, but fall short of your exepectations as friends.
~Maybe it was just too much work, maybe it was not worth it, maybe, maybe, maybe.
It hurts and it is a crappy feeling to have.
These kinds of friends, and people for that matter, make me sad, and I pity them. I am quite done with them when I sense this is what is happening.
There is only so much you can do on your side to make it work and thank God, friends are the one thing I am not lacking.
We move on and we let go and we learn a new lesson.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Blue, Blue
I am blue right now. Very blue... I hate being blue, it does not suit me at all.
It is 6pm and I should be heading home, but I am still at my 9 to 5 work waiting for I am not exactly sure what. It has been quite a day, filled with laughter and also stress, some yelling and some of the old fashioned getting annoyed.
For some brief minutes today I actually thought it was about to change, but nah still stuck at the job, that I don't quite love, not so much because of the work in itself, but because of the people I work with. It saddens me to actually be part of the decaying of humanity. Oh well! It pays:S
I guess that is the reason why I am feeling blue, very, very blue.
It's hard to work with unprofessional people.
I'm tired.
:)
It is 6pm and I should be heading home, but I am still at my 9 to 5 work waiting for I am not exactly sure what. It has been quite a day, filled with laughter and also stress, some yelling and some of the old fashioned getting annoyed.
For some brief minutes today I actually thought it was about to change, but nah still stuck at the job, that I don't quite love, not so much because of the work in itself, but because of the people I work with. It saddens me to actually be part of the decaying of humanity. Oh well! It pays:S
I guess that is the reason why I am feeling blue, very, very blue.
It's hard to work with unprofessional people.
I'm tired.
:)
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Gone Quiet
I haven't posted anything on my blog for over a month and that's sad:(
I seriously had thought about taking it off line, but I have a really sweet boyfriend that even though he can't read what I write at all, said I shouldn't stop doing it if it makes me happy. It does! I just don't have time to focus on it and my life has been so crazy with work I rarely have anything to say besides work stuff and believe me, you do not want to hear about my work stories.
So you have a little glimpse of what I have been up to: My house is now looking more like MY house, I decided I wanted my books in the living room and that was a good idea because it made my living room look like someone actually lives there, I do need to elaborate on my book compilation though:P
Work..well work is work, some days are great, others I cry or get yelled at and then cry, but overall it's alright. I try not to think to much about it. I really hate my boss, he disgusts me to the innermost of my being, he is a despicable human being, he makes my skin crawl and though I do not wish for his sudden death, if by any chance something bad happens to him I will not feel sorry for him.
I miss Africa, but that is of common knowledge. My getaway are my beautiful pictures. At least when I am really frustrated I can always look at pictures and remember all my fun times.
Summer seem like it is going away which really makes me happy, because with the going to Africa and coming back in April I've had like 5 months of heat and I am tired of it.
Time flies!
This year to my sadness I won't be teaching at all. One of the reasons is, rules changed so I am not allowed and Second of all because of my lovely work. If there is a day I do leave at 6pm I wonder who died or what is about to happen, so yeah no teaching for me this year.
For those of you who read my last post, well it lasted 3 days. No complaining for 3 days and that was that, on the third day I got mad at something and my goodness went out of the window and I yelled and cried and complained and felt a lot better.
I am still trying to go to college and do my degree online, because that is really my only option at the moment, but it is all too expensive and bureaucracy kills me. Let's see how far and wide will they stretch my patience this time.
I guess you are preety into whats going on right now, there is not much more going on.
The high point of my week is that I am getting a new tattoo, some cherry blossoms to cover up an old scar on my wrist and my low point is all the laundry I have to do.
This has got to be the most boring post ever, but I am loving it, because I am writing as things are coming into mind and it is most likely that this will be all very confusing or bundled up, but oh well.
I have taken up writing journals again and that's the kind of journal writer I am.
I feel that up till December it will be a time of change and new beginnings and it is From now on till December I feel it will be a time of change and New Beginnings(am I ever gonna move on from that phrase)which makes my life a little scary and a little daring, so hopefully my posts will be a lot more interesting than they are right now.
We will see. I will try to write a lot more often, even if it's some kind of boring thing:P
Adiu
I seriously had thought about taking it off line, but I have a really sweet boyfriend that even though he can't read what I write at all, said I shouldn't stop doing it if it makes me happy. It does! I just don't have time to focus on it and my life has been so crazy with work I rarely have anything to say besides work stuff and believe me, you do not want to hear about my work stories.
So you have a little glimpse of what I have been up to: My house is now looking more like MY house, I decided I wanted my books in the living room and that was a good idea because it made my living room look like someone actually lives there, I do need to elaborate on my book compilation though:P
Work..well work is work, some days are great, others I cry or get yelled at and then cry, but overall it's alright. I try not to think to much about it. I really hate my boss, he disgusts me to the innermost of my being, he is a despicable human being, he makes my skin crawl and though I do not wish for his sudden death, if by any chance something bad happens to him I will not feel sorry for him.
I miss Africa, but that is of common knowledge. My getaway are my beautiful pictures. At least when I am really frustrated I can always look at pictures and remember all my fun times.
Summer seem like it is going away which really makes me happy, because with the going to Africa and coming back in April I've had like 5 months of heat and I am tired of it.
Time flies!
This year to my sadness I won't be teaching at all. One of the reasons is, rules changed so I am not allowed and Second of all because of my lovely work. If there is a day I do leave at 6pm I wonder who died or what is about to happen, so yeah no teaching for me this year.
For those of you who read my last post, well it lasted 3 days. No complaining for 3 days and that was that, on the third day I got mad at something and my goodness went out of the window and I yelled and cried and complained and felt a lot better.
I am still trying to go to college and do my degree online, because that is really my only option at the moment, but it is all too expensive and bureaucracy kills me. Let's see how far and wide will they stretch my patience this time.
I guess you are preety into whats going on right now, there is not much more going on.
The high point of my week is that I am getting a new tattoo, some cherry blossoms to cover up an old scar on my wrist and my low point is all the laundry I have to do.
This has got to be the most boring post ever, but I am loving it, because I am writing as things are coming into mind and it is most likely that this will be all very confusing or bundled up, but oh well.
I have taken up writing journals again and that's the kind of journal writer I am.
I feel that up till December it will be a time of change and new beginnings and it is From now on till December I feel it will be a time of change and New Beginnings(am I ever gonna move on from that phrase)which makes my life a little scary and a little daring, so hopefully my posts will be a lot more interesting than they are right now.
We will see. I will try to write a lot more often, even if it's some kind of boring thing:P
Adiu
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