Good-Byes

I am not dealing so well with saying good-bye!
My two sisters, one of them being my closest friend too, left. I had to give my dog, my sweet, sweet Rilla away and now I have to say good-bye to my grandmother...I am not doing so great.
I haven't seen real family in almost 6 years. I occasionally went to the U.S., but that was not working out for me so after a while I stopped going.
I do good all by myself, I have learned to cope and deal with things alone and most time I enjoy that solitude. In the midst of all that loneliness I find loveliness.
I came across this way of coping with this reality and it has worked for me.
I created a defense mechanism. I like defense mechanisms, I like the security they bring, I like how reliable they are...they are safe, I like safe.
So I became detached, not completely, but mostly. I don't give all, so I don't have to lose all.
I am not touchy, or kissy, lovey-dovey or over sentimental, I do have my moments like the rest of the world, but overall I am completely capable of controlling my emotions. To lose that is almost impossible, but following tightly the rule also make me lose on so much.
I have no idea of what it is to be completely spontaneous, or what it means to completely trust someone because I am pretty much incapable of doing that.
And most of the times I secretly enjoy when people say I am cold, and senseless and emotionless, that place is a safe place, it is an no hurt place.
The people that know me, know me well and those that don't,well it's for a reason.
Now nowhere in the book of "How to be an Ice Queen" does it teach you how to completely shut out who brought yo up, fed you, read you stories, put you to bed, cared for you when you were burning up with fever, gave you money when you couldn't afford something, bought you presents, but above all made who you are right now with a lot of love and patience.
I am who I am because besides having an awesome mom, I had a loving grandmother.
Saying good-bye to my sisters was hard, but it was also part of a cycle, a new beginning, something bigger and better, saying good-bye to my grandmother is the end, not the beginning and so it is a bittersweet feeling.
I love that she crossed a whole ocean just to come see me, but I hate that she is leaving again and that this is probably the last time I will see her and even more frustrated am I that I am incapable of showing of how much she really means to me through hugs and kisses like she'd like.
I am a doer and a fixer and that is how I like to show love, but my grandmother is from a different time, a time where people showed love by different ways, ways that I suck at it and she is not the first one to tell me so.
She is leaving tomorrow and I am choking up in my silent tears and in all my frustration of not being able to run and hug and kiss and sit on her lap and just let her love me, because that is just going to make the good-bye even worse and much more painful to me. So I am being selfish and keeping my distance, but I am also living in anticipated regret that I might never get to sit on my grandma's lap ever again. It feels like a huge big fight with myself 24/7.
I bought her a present and even I know that isn't enough, but I just can't afford going through all those feelings of abandonment, and loneliness and sadness.
That's how I know how to love and I like it that way.
Part of me wishes...Well part of me just wishes a lot of things that are not possible.
And that's just what life is...finding some solace in the impossible.


Me