When I got here from Portugal I was happy to see my friends, but not happy, happy inside me. I had had the 2 most awful months of my life and was still wondering if coming to Africa had been my most brilliant idea. I am sure that at the time if my friends had not pressured me to come and I did not have my boyfriend drive me to the airport I would just simply not come. I was scared, confused, sad, and the voices in my head (don't worry they don't tell me to do any bad things): P kept on asserting the fact that I was stupid, dumb, an idiot, worthless, it was pretty bad I must say.
I spent six weeks here of glorious fun and it started the very next day after my arrival. I felt useful because I was helping Heather with her home school and I was doing what I loved. I learned so much about people, about myself, about life and especially about Africa.
10 things I learned about myself, others and Africa:
1.I’m tougher than I think (for someone who is not a camping person I did better than I thought on our 5 day camping trip)
2.Swahili is one of the easiest languages to learn
3.I learned to cook from my African ladies typically African food
4.After a rain you can see the top of a mountain way better
5.I learned that my fears are most time a lie my brain wants me to believe
6.I learned breakfast is a sacred moment of peace for one's mind, body, soul and tummy
7.Bargain really works and it is not bad
8.People are so friendly in Africa
9.There is nothing more beautiful than an African sunset or sunrise
10.I fell in love with Africa
When my friend J. first went to India I thought he had gone insane. Why could he not be normal like everybody else? Why did he have to go to INDIA to rest, find himself, or whatever? I mean I was not too happy, I was not going to have my annoying best friend near me for 5 weeks, I was scared something bad might happen to him, and well you get the picture I was being one selfish brat (I tend to do that and only realize later, I don't mean to be selfish, but I end up being anyway). When I made up my mind to come to Tanzania, he was my first supporter in every sense of the word, he cheered me, supported me and gave me money to come on this trip; he knew something I did not. He knew that sometimes you have to go far to find yourself within and learn how to appreciate yourself, others and home by being somewhere completely different than Home.
Did I find myself? I am not sure; I like to think I did.
I have been laughing, and smiling, and jumping on the trampoline and camping and for goodness sake hiking, so I like to think that if I did not find myself at least something in me changed. I think a lot in me changed actually I realized I had been living in my past instead of my present, that I was holding a grudge against the world, that I liked to make myself feel older than I really am, that most of the fears I had had something to do with things that happened back in the day and that I was not letting go of a bunch of things so I could not move forward. I re-found my passion for writing, while I was here too, I had forgotten how happy writing makes me feel, no matter how crappy it might be, I knitted, three scarves with no mistakes or holes in it, I actually finished them, and I danced (I have not danced in like forever).
I could have had the same amount of time off of work back home that I would never have had the time to discover all these amazing, hidden things in me.
How could I not be sad about leaving? When this place gave me so much.
I fell in love and now I have to go back, back to my reality, back to my city life, back.
I am excited about seeing my friends and going home and I am looking forward to the last part of my adventure, and the start of a whole new adventure in Portugal.
I have a hope now. A hope of returning someday!
Sometimes dreams do come true, they do, they do!
P.S. Title credits got to Trevor Borden, his songs have been the soundtrack for my trip here, and I just love this one song so much.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Job Update
I don't usually blog two times on the same day. It is ridiculous!
But today I have to, because if you follow my blog you would like to know that I got a job. Sometimes coincidence brings opportunity! It is good to have friends and it is good to share with people, you just never know how much of a blessing they can be in your life.
For those of you who have prayed, thank you, and please keep on praying for everything to go as talked and planned from two different countries.
The Lord is always present, always listening, always caring for the desires of our hearts.
It took me a lot of letting go and I think God honored that. I feel happy!
It is good to return home to a job and not to complete uncertainty!
My stress level went way down, maybe nothing will burst this time.
This was really an answer of prayer, we have all been praying here for it, and I know so have people back in Portugal. Amen!
" And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find.Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks."(Luke 11:9-10)
I just came back from a lovely dinner by the fire at the land, with friends, fun and presents. My day could not have been better than it was.
There are some days you treasure and today is that kind of day!
I even made smores, and those were yummy!
Life sure is grand, and I love the smell of Africa and firewood and smoke on me!!!!
Commit you plans to the Lord and then you will succeed.(Proverbs:16:3)
But today I have to, because if you follow my blog you would like to know that I got a job. Sometimes coincidence brings opportunity! It is good to have friends and it is good to share with people, you just never know how much of a blessing they can be in your life.
For those of you who have prayed, thank you, and please keep on praying for everything to go as talked and planned from two different countries.
The Lord is always present, always listening, always caring for the desires of our hearts.
It took me a lot of letting go and I think God honored that. I feel happy!
It is good to return home to a job and not to complete uncertainty!
My stress level went way down, maybe nothing will burst this time.
This was really an answer of prayer, we have all been praying here for it, and I know so have people back in Portugal. Amen!
" And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find.Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks."(Luke 11:9-10)
I just came back from a lovely dinner by the fire at the land, with friends, fun and presents. My day could not have been better than it was.
There are some days you treasure and today is that kind of day!
I even made smores, and those were yummy!
Life sure is grand, and I love the smell of Africa and firewood and smoke on me!!!!
Commit you plans to the Lord and then you will succeed.(Proverbs:16:3)
Dear Me:
Dear Me:
I am writing to you this letter now, because I am pretty sure when you go back to Portugal you won't feel so brave. You will maybe start doubting yourself, or let those voices in your head have the best of you.
So Tehur, my dear, when you start doubting your capacities on dealing with any challenge that should, will, could come up, remember Africa:
You DROVE a Land Cruiser on the other side of the world, and did not KILL anyone or damage the car.
You went looking for leopards and you were NOT scared when Mr.Cerval Cat showed up.
You peed outside, in the bush,in choo's that would make your grandma cringe in horror, in front of people, in the dark out in the wild and guess what...YOU SURVIVED!
You camped in the middle of nowhere, in the rain, thunder, wind and even though once or twice you had to sing Amazing Grace to soothe yourself because you were scared, you DID NOT cry once:P
You learned words in a new language and practiced with random people everywhere.
You HIKED for 6 and a half hours without complaining, or anyone carrying you and you actually enjoyed it.
You rode on the Land Cruiser's roof through the bumpy, dusty African roads, strapped by a rope, singing songs and you are here to tell the STORY!
You started playing the PIANO again and you actually don't totally suck.
You started WRITING AGAIN, blogging, stories, and books, even though it freaks you out to be bad at it.
You jumped on a trampolines for the first time, high up and you actually had fun.
You had tea in a dark, maasai hut made of mud and manure in a typically maasai village and never felt happier!
You had lunch in another Maasai house, with people you had never met and loved them so much, and their stories.
You threw yourself in a pond and gave swimming a chance:P
You walked bare foot, held a chameleon, wore kekois and felt the sun on your face and the warm earth under your feet, you LIVED!
So whatever it is that might scare you in the future, make you doubt yourself, make you feel like you cannot do it... Think about Africa...Smile...and just go for it!...Because you can! Because I believe in you!
I am writing to you this letter now, because I am pretty sure when you go back to Portugal you won't feel so brave. You will maybe start doubting yourself, or let those voices in your head have the best of you.
So Tehur, my dear, when you start doubting your capacities on dealing with any challenge that should, will, could come up, remember Africa:
You DROVE a Land Cruiser on the other side of the world, and did not KILL anyone or damage the car.
You went looking for leopards and you were NOT scared when Mr.Cerval Cat showed up.
You peed outside, in the bush,in choo's that would make your grandma cringe in horror, in front of people, in the dark out in the wild and guess what...YOU SURVIVED!
You camped in the middle of nowhere, in the rain, thunder, wind and even though once or twice you had to sing Amazing Grace to soothe yourself because you were scared, you DID NOT cry once:P
You learned words in a new language and practiced with random people everywhere.
You HIKED for 6 and a half hours without complaining, or anyone carrying you and you actually enjoyed it.
You rode on the Land Cruiser's roof through the bumpy, dusty African roads, strapped by a rope, singing songs and you are here to tell the STORY!
You started playing the PIANO again and you actually don't totally suck.
You started WRITING AGAIN, blogging, stories, and books, even though it freaks you out to be bad at it.
You jumped on a trampolines for the first time, high up and you actually had fun.
You had tea in a dark, maasai hut made of mud and manure in a typically maasai village and never felt happier!
You had lunch in another Maasai house, with people you had never met and loved them so much, and their stories.
You threw yourself in a pond and gave swimming a chance:P
You walked bare foot, held a chameleon, wore kekois and felt the sun on your face and the warm earth under your feet, you LIVED!
So whatever it is that might scare you in the future, make you doubt yourself, make you feel like you cannot do it... Think about Africa...Smile...and just go for it!...Because you can! Because I believe in you!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Weddings, People, Vanilla and Hazelnut Tea and Love, Loads Of Love!
It's Sunday!
I woke up with the rain hitting against my window, the cold breeze. There is something magical about staying in bed when it is raining like that, something about lingering in your warm bed, I love it. Soon though I had to get out of bed to go to church, Mr.B made some coffee, even though I had told Lisa I was going to have tea this morning I could not resist the temptation of fresh, nice, yummy coffee.
When we arrived at church we found out there was gonna be a wedding in the service( that is again one of the amazing things about Africa), a wedding! I had a blast, a taste of an African wedding, lovely! I was blessed.It was just like a western wedding, except people were dressed way more fancy, and it was much more heart warming.
We had a lovely lunch at a Chinese restaurant, with a couple that are friends with the Borden's. They are really nice and sweet couple, and it was so nice to have met them and their cute kids. Some of the faces that are written on my heart.
I am now sitting at home, writing on my blog and sipping heaven from a cup of tea.
The most amazing tea I have ever had.
Vanilla and Hazelnut with a taste of ginger, cinnamon and cardamon. I am in love with it!
Add to this Sunday recipe a lot of love,and Mr. Trevor Borden's music and you will have a sense of what my Sunday has been like...Heaven!
Everyone should have a Sunday like this, everyone should enjoy time to relax, everyone should come to Africa, everyone should...LIVE!
I have my bags to pack, my room here to tidy, my teaching shelf to go through, but right now I am just gonna enjoy my peaceful moment and think about my little zen quote on my tea "Let your heart be your guide".
My heart tells me to relax, and enjoy, and sip my tea with calmness, and listen to my music, because it might be the last time, I actually have time to enjoy life, in a simple way, before I hit the street lights in Portugal!
I am thankful for this day,so thankful, if I were to die tomorrow I am pretty sure I would be ok with it. Of course there are a bunch of things I haven't done, but I sure did a lot of new fun things here, and actually LIVED. So then I guess I would be ok, it's no fun to die if you have never lived, but I have lived, maybe not to the fullest, but to some amazing degree. My soul rejoices in that, my heart is glad!
So here is a little tea message for you all...The beauty in you, is in your spirit!!!!!
I feel beautiful!
I woke up with the rain hitting against my window, the cold breeze. There is something magical about staying in bed when it is raining like that, something about lingering in your warm bed, I love it. Soon though I had to get out of bed to go to church, Mr.B made some coffee, even though I had told Lisa I was going to have tea this morning I could not resist the temptation of fresh, nice, yummy coffee.
When we arrived at church we found out there was gonna be a wedding in the service( that is again one of the amazing things about Africa), a wedding! I had a blast, a taste of an African wedding, lovely! I was blessed.It was just like a western wedding, except people were dressed way more fancy, and it was much more heart warming.
We had a lovely lunch at a Chinese restaurant, with a couple that are friends with the Borden's. They are really nice and sweet couple, and it was so nice to have met them and their cute kids. Some of the faces that are written on my heart.
I am now sitting at home, writing on my blog and sipping heaven from a cup of tea.
The most amazing tea I have ever had.
Vanilla and Hazelnut with a taste of ginger, cinnamon and cardamon. I am in love with it!
Add to this Sunday recipe a lot of love,and Mr. Trevor Borden's music and you will have a sense of what my Sunday has been like...Heaven!
Everyone should have a Sunday like this, everyone should enjoy time to relax, everyone should come to Africa, everyone should...LIVE!
I have my bags to pack, my room here to tidy, my teaching shelf to go through, but right now I am just gonna enjoy my peaceful moment and think about my little zen quote on my tea "Let your heart be your guide".
My heart tells me to relax, and enjoy, and sip my tea with calmness, and listen to my music, because it might be the last time, I actually have time to enjoy life, in a simple way, before I hit the street lights in Portugal!
I am thankful for this day,so thankful, if I were to die tomorrow I am pretty sure I would be ok with it. Of course there are a bunch of things I haven't done, but I sure did a lot of new fun things here, and actually LIVED. So then I guess I would be ok, it's no fun to die if you have never lived, but I have lived, maybe not to the fullest, but to some amazing degree. My soul rejoices in that, my heart is glad!
So here is a little tea message for you all...The beauty in you, is in your spirit!!!!!
I feel beautiful!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
And My Soul Is Torn In Two!
I am back from having tea at one of my African ladies house! I had a lovely time, I never had such great ginger tea ever.I made a nice good-bye card, drew myself near Mt.Meru, kind of like I was hiking and the green, green grass below me, the grass that will surface after the rains fall. On the back I wrote see you soon(in Swahili), inside I wrote in English and in Kiswahili the same message and I was as excited as a 5 year old making mamma a gift, actually my card looked like a 5 year old had made it, my art senses were never very good. My African lady loved it and I felt so warm and fuzzy inside about it.
She made us all ginger tea and we all sat around sipping tea and chatting, then the little boys(her two sons and one of the neighbor's kids) prayed for Mr. B's back that has been hurting forever and I thought that was just so cute, but then my lady said she wanted to pray for me. I don't understand squat of Swahili if someone is talking quite fast, but something inside me was all emotional and I cried, I cried because I love her, I cried because I am leaving, I cried because Africa changed me, I cried because I don't know when I'll be back again, I cried because no matter what the circumstances of her life might be this lady had invited me into her home for tea, someone she just met, someone she has no idea how she changed,a mzungu, I just cried.
SO my soul is torn in two! It wants to go to Portugal and hug friends, family, smell the ocean, run on the paredão, watch the sunset at the beach, sleep in my bed with all my windows open, but it also wants to jump on the trampoline, feel the warm dirt under my feet, smell the rain, go camping and hiking, make ugali and cabbage with the ladies and sing.
I have ambivalent feelings and that is something I am not quite used to. I am the love or hate kind of person, no inbetween's, no loving two things or people exactly the same.
Here I am 3 days before going home with deep sadness, and deep happiness too.
Life is funny sometimes, God does have a twisted sense of humor, what can I do but laugh despite of myself?
This is not my good-bye post yet, it was just a moment, one more moment in the bigger picture of my time here.
Africa is where I feel closer to God, where I saw God, where I felt God.
That thought alone will strike everyone as odd. I say, come to Africa and you will see!
Africa, kwa heri ya kuonana!!!!!
She made us all ginger tea and we all sat around sipping tea and chatting, then the little boys(her two sons and one of the neighbor's kids) prayed for Mr. B's back that has been hurting forever and I thought that was just so cute, but then my lady said she wanted to pray for me. I don't understand squat of Swahili if someone is talking quite fast, but something inside me was all emotional and I cried, I cried because I love her, I cried because I am leaving, I cried because Africa changed me, I cried because I don't know when I'll be back again, I cried because no matter what the circumstances of her life might be this lady had invited me into her home for tea, someone she just met, someone she has no idea how she changed,a mzungu, I just cried.
SO my soul is torn in two! It wants to go to Portugal and hug friends, family, smell the ocean, run on the paredão, watch the sunset at the beach, sleep in my bed with all my windows open, but it also wants to jump on the trampoline, feel the warm dirt under my feet, smell the rain, go camping and hiking, make ugali and cabbage with the ladies and sing.
I have ambivalent feelings and that is something I am not quite used to. I am the love or hate kind of person, no inbetween's, no loving two things or people exactly the same.
Here I am 3 days before going home with deep sadness, and deep happiness too.
Life is funny sometimes, God does have a twisted sense of humor, what can I do but laugh despite of myself?
This is not my good-bye post yet, it was just a moment, one more moment in the bigger picture of my time here.
Africa is where I feel closer to God, where I saw God, where I felt God.
That thought alone will strike everyone as odd. I say, come to Africa and you will see!
Africa, kwa heri ya kuonana!!!!!
Friday, March 27, 2009
Blah
I had this really awesome post I was going to write, I worked my ass off finding info and researching and I was really going to put a lot of effort into it, but the stress from the last couple of days about work and all these feelings about the time to leave caught up with me today. I am not feeling good, and am really tired so today there will be no interesting post, maybe tomorrow when I feel better.
I had such a good day though, I got to go shopping for some stuff which made me happy and had lunch at this Ethiopian restaurant, but I guess my body and my mind are not very happy with me lately so they are warning me. I know the feeling and I know the pain and I know exactly why and when I get it. It sucks having chronic anemia, it sucks that it makes me tired, it sucks that no one has figured out what is wrong with me and it sucks that my body rejects iron and it sucks that when I am stressed it just makes everything worse.It just sucks!
I don't really want to talk about my medical issues on my blog, it is a bit too much for me, but I just let the frustration out on that one, because I really hate anemia, actually I hate my body right now, it is just annoying me so much.
Maybe some other day if I feel inspired I will share my lovely in's and out's on doctors, anemia, and check -ups that just end up finding more stuff wrong with one's already very messed up body. For now I will limit myself to lay on the hammock cursing my blood quietly, while feeling the breeze,hopefully tomorrow I will get to write my hard working great post I have all the notes for in front of me.
Life sometimes sucks even laying in a hammock in Africa, at least I got a lovely Maasai blanket I bought to comfort me.
Something had to be good!
I had such a good day though, I got to go shopping for some stuff which made me happy and had lunch at this Ethiopian restaurant, but I guess my body and my mind are not very happy with me lately so they are warning me. I know the feeling and I know the pain and I know exactly why and when I get it. It sucks having chronic anemia, it sucks that it makes me tired, it sucks that no one has figured out what is wrong with me and it sucks that my body rejects iron and it sucks that when I am stressed it just makes everything worse.It just sucks!
I don't really want to talk about my medical issues on my blog, it is a bit too much for me, but I just let the frustration out on that one, because I really hate anemia, actually I hate my body right now, it is just annoying me so much.
Maybe some other day if I feel inspired I will share my lovely in's and out's on doctors, anemia, and check -ups that just end up finding more stuff wrong with one's already very messed up body. For now I will limit myself to lay on the hammock cursing my blood quietly, while feeling the breeze,hopefully tomorrow I will get to write my hard working great post I have all the notes for in front of me.
Life sometimes sucks even laying in a hammock in Africa, at least I got a lovely Maasai blanket I bought to comfort me.
Something had to be good!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
The Wonders Of Relationships(as in romance)
I have dated some, by some I mean I have learned enough not to make the same mistakes again and to realize that reality works a lot differently than the romance crap we read and see on TV with of course some exceptions.I have dated older men and younger men and let me tell you they are all the same. I have gone through heartbreak, sadness, crying, and a lot of puzzlement. Boys are really fantastic creatures and think completely different than us, that is a fact.Every girl wants a Nicholas Sparks kind of love story, but unless you are one of the exceptions(which I think happens to 1 in a million girls, you are more than welcome to disagree with me, it is just MY opinion) I would stick to reality and enjoy.
I am not the most romantic person, but I have my moments.
Talking to my friend this quote came up, I love the Anne Of Green Gables series and this quote is from one of the books it goes:
"Perhaps after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare like a gay knight riding down.Perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways".
We all expect love to arrive and sweep us off our feet, give us butterflies and make us go dizzy, I don't know about you but I don't really like feeling dizzy at all.
I like to know what to expect and believe me when I say, those butterflies might soon turn to quizziness. I believe though, that if you don't risk it you will never learn. If you have the butterflies go for it, if you enjoy spending time with that one person go for it, because I guarantee that you will come out of that relationship if it works or if it doesn't a changed person, probably hurt and/or sad if it does not work, but a different person. You won't ever make the same mistakes, you will learn how to listen instead of just complaining, you will see through masks guys sometimes use, you will become a better person, even if you think you are a total mess. Mess brings beauty forth!
I dated one guy when I was 19, ten years older than me. I fell in love with his charm, his funny personality, his smile, his sweetness and his car:P lol
I remember my friend suggesting we date and looking at him and smiling. That Christmas while watching the Holiday we kind of quietly agreed on dating(you can't really be loud in the movies you know:P) I was surprised he wanted to date me because we made the most unusual couple, he was a preppy guy and I seemed like I was always wearing the rainbow and walking on clouds.
He used to take me on joy rides and had this imagination I never thought possible for someone who worked in an office. He used to surprise me at work and go pick me up for coffee. I LOVED him, but I was also 19.
I could not understand the long hours of work, the days I did not as so much receive a message, and then got 3 or 4 saying how beautiful and amazing I was and how much he liked me, and most of all I was scared. All that age difference scared me, I was aware I was a child, I was aware he worked with people everyday, and met women, real women, every day. That made me insecure, and being insecure does not go well with my controlling personality. I like to have control over me and my feelings and I could not control how I felt about him, or my fear of losing him, and them voices around me, telling me all these things just made me feel even worse. I cried, everyday for some reason or the other, I cried when he did not message me, I got mad when he told me he was working and would not be able to pick me up and worst of all I listened to the voices around me. That was a mistake! I should have listened to my heart, sat down and talked to him, ask him what was happening, if there was something I could do, if we could come to terms. I knew he loved me, I could see it, I could feel it, but that never matters when you choose to feed on your nasty thoughts.
3 months later I broke up with him, just like that, I gave him an ultimatum actually! I left the car without shedding a tear, but when I got home I cried like there would not be a tomorrow, and I cried the next day, and the next, and I was soooo sad I thought I was going to die. I didn't!
I felt like I would never be able to love again,like my life was ruined, like I wanted to be a nun. I did not want to see his face ever again, every time I thought about the things he did for me my heart hurt so much. Point is, I survived, it was hard, but I learned a lot about myself, a lot about relationships, a lot about men.
I learned that I sucked at saying how I felt, I learned that he was not a talkative man and I wanted him to be, I wanted him to be this person I had in my mind. I expected him to be perfect, and when he was not I was just frustrated, I never bothered to look at myself or my own defects. I never bothered to see it from his perspective, I was a brat. You might all say I lost nothing, he maybe was no meant for me. Maybe not, maybe he was, maybe, maybe, maybe, that is the worst part. It took me a while to let go, a looong while. I will always think about the what if!
I have apologies to make, and I wish I could just tell him everything that is on my mind,but like I have said, some things are meant for self. I am glad we are friends, and I am glad he has moved on. We both learned, I guess, from each other.
I wanted to mention this story, not because it has been the pebble on my shoe, but because it was the one story, the one man, who significantly changed me.From it I learnt how to be patient, listening and kind. If I had never given it a chance, if I was so filled with fear of loving and be loved I would have never learned. I am thankful about it.I would not trade it, but if I could I would change it. Well then again looking at my life right now maybe not, maybe it really was meant to be the way it was. I believe in certain people who are put in your life to change you, I have been that person, but on that one time, he was that person for me.
I love him still for that.
We learn, like Veronica Shoffstall said in her poem:
We learn and learn,
With Every good-bye we Learn:)
I am not the most romantic person, but I have my moments.
Talking to my friend this quote came up, I love the Anne Of Green Gables series and this quote is from one of the books it goes:
"Perhaps after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare like a gay knight riding down.Perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways".
We all expect love to arrive and sweep us off our feet, give us butterflies and make us go dizzy, I don't know about you but I don't really like feeling dizzy at all.
I like to know what to expect and believe me when I say, those butterflies might soon turn to quizziness. I believe though, that if you don't risk it you will never learn. If you have the butterflies go for it, if you enjoy spending time with that one person go for it, because I guarantee that you will come out of that relationship if it works or if it doesn't a changed person, probably hurt and/or sad if it does not work, but a different person. You won't ever make the same mistakes, you will learn how to listen instead of just complaining, you will see through masks guys sometimes use, you will become a better person, even if you think you are a total mess. Mess brings beauty forth!
I dated one guy when I was 19, ten years older than me. I fell in love with his charm, his funny personality, his smile, his sweetness and his car:P lol
I remember my friend suggesting we date and looking at him and smiling. That Christmas while watching the Holiday we kind of quietly agreed on dating(you can't really be loud in the movies you know:P) I was surprised he wanted to date me because we made the most unusual couple, he was a preppy guy and I seemed like I was always wearing the rainbow and walking on clouds.
He used to take me on joy rides and had this imagination I never thought possible for someone who worked in an office. He used to surprise me at work and go pick me up for coffee. I LOVED him, but I was also 19.
I could not understand the long hours of work, the days I did not as so much receive a message, and then got 3 or 4 saying how beautiful and amazing I was and how much he liked me, and most of all I was scared. All that age difference scared me, I was aware I was a child, I was aware he worked with people everyday, and met women, real women, every day. That made me insecure, and being insecure does not go well with my controlling personality. I like to have control over me and my feelings and I could not control how I felt about him, or my fear of losing him, and them voices around me, telling me all these things just made me feel even worse. I cried, everyday for some reason or the other, I cried when he did not message me, I got mad when he told me he was working and would not be able to pick me up and worst of all I listened to the voices around me. That was a mistake! I should have listened to my heart, sat down and talked to him, ask him what was happening, if there was something I could do, if we could come to terms. I knew he loved me, I could see it, I could feel it, but that never matters when you choose to feed on your nasty thoughts.
3 months later I broke up with him, just like that, I gave him an ultimatum actually! I left the car without shedding a tear, but when I got home I cried like there would not be a tomorrow, and I cried the next day, and the next, and I was soooo sad I thought I was going to die. I didn't!
I felt like I would never be able to love again,like my life was ruined, like I wanted to be a nun. I did not want to see his face ever again, every time I thought about the things he did for me my heart hurt so much. Point is, I survived, it was hard, but I learned a lot about myself, a lot about relationships, a lot about men.
I learned that I sucked at saying how I felt, I learned that he was not a talkative man and I wanted him to be, I wanted him to be this person I had in my mind. I expected him to be perfect, and when he was not I was just frustrated, I never bothered to look at myself or my own defects. I never bothered to see it from his perspective, I was a brat. You might all say I lost nothing, he maybe was no meant for me. Maybe not, maybe he was, maybe, maybe, maybe, that is the worst part. It took me a while to let go, a looong while. I will always think about the what if!
I have apologies to make, and I wish I could just tell him everything that is on my mind,but like I have said, some things are meant for self. I am glad we are friends, and I am glad he has moved on. We both learned, I guess, from each other.
I wanted to mention this story, not because it has been the pebble on my shoe, but because it was the one story, the one man, who significantly changed me.From it I learnt how to be patient, listening and kind. If I had never given it a chance, if I was so filled with fear of loving and be loved I would have never learned. I am thankful about it.I would not trade it, but if I could I would change it. Well then again looking at my life right now maybe not, maybe it really was meant to be the way it was. I believe in certain people who are put in your life to change you, I have been that person, but on that one time, he was that person for me.
I love him still for that.
We learn, like Veronica Shoffstall said in her poem:
We learn and learn,
With Every good-bye we Learn:)
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