And so it is! 11 O'clock and still working!
I thought slavery was over, but it seems it is not over for me. If I were one to believe in past lives and reincarnation I would say I did something terrible to someone or God because I am being punished hard on this one life.
I mean who stays at work from 8am till 11pm for the sake of doing her job properly and nicely and not getting paid....ME! It, of course, had to be me.
I am not trying to suck up, I am not trying to get a raise(at least not yet) and I am not trying to kill myself, even though I am pretty sure if I had a gun, yesterday and today I would have probably used a bullet or two and killed myself. The technicians are heading home, I am the only pathetic soul still finishing crap for the 11th and 12th of June. Who ever thought Holidays were a good idea was a tremendous asshole, they serve no purpose for someone who has to have a phone on 24/7 and not be able to come to the office on the stupid days off.
I can't even have vacation because I am pretty sure if I take a few days off someone WILL mess up all my hard work and organization skills.
All this brings me to an even bigger thought...Why did I waste so many brain cells at school, studying hard, being an A student so now I can get my bosses coffee and order their lunch?????
Really! Why?
The more I get sucked in to being the best at what I do, to working hard and even to get my bosses their coffee I see my dreams floating farther away from me and it worries me.
Should I conform to a well paid job, that stresses me out, but also pleases me to a certain point and mostly pays my bills? Or should I just tell everyone to kiss my butt and follow my dreams?
I am overwhelmed by many thoughts like this every day and every night and I freak out because I am scared I COULD somehow conform to the making money idea, the having a nice apartment and nice clothes thought. And then I see pictures from my students and my heart melts away and tears fill my eyes and my heart has this longing to be in a classroom filled with 4th graders telling me their stories and yelling in my ear, hugging me and telling me how they want to marry me and I feel at home, loved, and happy.
I think my intelligence is at waste at this job most of my day, the way I think my gift of teaching and patience is dying surrounded by so much greed and money hungry thoughts. The simpleness I once loved about my ideas of life and people are secretly but painfully dying every day I set my foot in this place, and no matter how much it may look attractive for now, I know it is not what I love and long for. I make it sound like I have a relationship with teaching, like a romantic love story, but that is the way I feel about it...passionate.
I would not die working for this place, but I would work dying for my students.
The difference lies in the people.
I want my students to become way better people than the people I work for. I want them to believe in the possibility of changing the World with the gifts they have in them and so often times are not even aware they possess them. I want them to have a dream and fight for it. I know it would be too hard to change the people I know and work with the way I know I can impact my students to change the future ahead of them.
Most children, like most people, only need someone to believe in them.
I do! Everyday I do!
I believe in change!
Please pray for me as I am trying to figure out life, work and things during these days.
I am not the most patient person when in stressful situations or when I feel caged, and lately I have felt like my ideas and my mind itself do not belong to me.
This was just a hear felt post about the many questions in my life. I hope I have not bored y'all out of your minds.
Me
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
There Is No Place Like Home
There is really nothing like feeling at home!!!
After weeks of looking for a new place to live I finally found an apartment.
I will be honest here the first time I saw it I never thought I would ever be able to love it. It had ugly furniture, and it was small (it felt small), and after four years of living in a place I loved dearly I was just not quite sure I was ready for a new beginning.
I hate moving, wait, and let me rephrase that I HATE MOVING!!!!
Packing is just not my thing, I don’t travel as much I would like because I hate packing my things, the sight of a suit case makes my heart sick.
So besides not feeling very particular about this apartment I also did not feel too happy about packing and moving.
Friday just arrived way too soon for me this past week.
After signing the contract I came home to a half empty, dirty, dusty apartment!
I guess that’s when it hit me that my tribulations were about to start.
CLEANING!
Oh yeah, I cleaned, and cleaned and cleaned and did some more cleaning till I crashed on my sofa at 4am feeling quite like Cinderella did.
The joy I felt after I finished cleaning the bathtub in my bathroom is quite indescribable, a feeling of accomplishment. Jeez better than climbing the Everest I am telling y’all.
Saturday I went to my old house and packed with my friend, and I wanted to die!
How does one person collect so much crap in a tiny room for four years beats me. I did though and cleaning up was not fun. It turns out I always complain about not having anything decent to wear, and regardless of the fact most of my clothes are not decent for the kind of job I do, I still have A LOT of decent, normal, clothes to wear.
And shoes, man I have more shoes than I can wear, so I must cut on the shoe buying.
Today, Sunday, the day of rest…I spent it cleaning my kitchen, which was by far my least favorite part, I would probably eradicate kitchens if I had it my way. They have a way of getting dirty and disgusting so fast. After almost 6 hours with a break here and there I was done, with a sparkling clean kitchen. I am not intending of going in there to have fun cooking any time soon, because I don’t want to have to clean it in the next 2 months.
Right now I am sitting on my sofa with my blanky and a hot cup of tea, writing and feeling peaceful with my lit candles and nice fluffy rug under my feet (the one luxury I wasted money with for my house, just because I wanted to not had to).
I feel so very happy for the first time in a long time I get to call home mine.
It’s MY house, MY place, and MY home. I like the way it sounds and I sure as heck like the way it feels, and even though I hated all the packing, the cleaning, the organizing and even though my room is still a mess so I have to sleep on the sofa, and it will take the whole week to get everything in order I feel HAPPY!!!!!So very HAPPY!!!!!I would not have it any other way.
Home Sweet Home!
What an awesome thing!
After weeks of looking for a new place to live I finally found an apartment.
I will be honest here the first time I saw it I never thought I would ever be able to love it. It had ugly furniture, and it was small (it felt small), and after four years of living in a place I loved dearly I was just not quite sure I was ready for a new beginning.
I hate moving, wait, and let me rephrase that I HATE MOVING!!!!
Packing is just not my thing, I don’t travel as much I would like because I hate packing my things, the sight of a suit case makes my heart sick.
So besides not feeling very particular about this apartment I also did not feel too happy about packing and moving.
Friday just arrived way too soon for me this past week.
After signing the contract I came home to a half empty, dirty, dusty apartment!
I guess that’s when it hit me that my tribulations were about to start.
CLEANING!
Oh yeah, I cleaned, and cleaned and cleaned and did some more cleaning till I crashed on my sofa at 4am feeling quite like Cinderella did.
The joy I felt after I finished cleaning the bathtub in my bathroom is quite indescribable, a feeling of accomplishment. Jeez better than climbing the Everest I am telling y’all.
Saturday I went to my old house and packed with my friend, and I wanted to die!
How does one person collect so much crap in a tiny room for four years beats me. I did though and cleaning up was not fun. It turns out I always complain about not having anything decent to wear, and regardless of the fact most of my clothes are not decent for the kind of job I do, I still have A LOT of decent, normal, clothes to wear.
And shoes, man I have more shoes than I can wear, so I must cut on the shoe buying.
Today, Sunday, the day of rest…I spent it cleaning my kitchen, which was by far my least favorite part, I would probably eradicate kitchens if I had it my way. They have a way of getting dirty and disgusting so fast. After almost 6 hours with a break here and there I was done, with a sparkling clean kitchen. I am not intending of going in there to have fun cooking any time soon, because I don’t want to have to clean it in the next 2 months.
Right now I am sitting on my sofa with my blanky and a hot cup of tea, writing and feeling peaceful with my lit candles and nice fluffy rug under my feet (the one luxury I wasted money with for my house, just because I wanted to not had to).
I feel so very happy for the first time in a long time I get to call home mine.
It’s MY house, MY place, and MY home. I like the way it sounds and I sure as heck like the way it feels, and even though I hated all the packing, the cleaning, the organizing and even though my room is still a mess so I have to sleep on the sofa, and it will take the whole week to get everything in order I feel HAPPY!!!!!So very HAPPY!!!!!I would not have it any other way.
Home Sweet Home!
What an awesome thing!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Yet Another Useless Post.
Since I have not been so good about blogging I think I am allowed 2 posts in ONE day.
I just thought I would love to share my feeling of complete accomplishment at the end of a day of work when I look at my desk and see neatness and organization, where in just a few hours before there was pure chaos.
Nothing makes me feel better at my last minutes at the office than my neat desk, that I know will be waiting for me tomorrow.
It makes me feel happy and warm and fuzzy, and since I have only been complaining about things and life I decided to post something happy!
Bye
Me
I just thought I would love to share my feeling of complete accomplishment at the end of a day of work when I look at my desk and see neatness and organization, where in just a few hours before there was pure chaos.
Nothing makes me feel better at my last minutes at the office than my neat desk, that I know will be waiting for me tomorrow.
It makes me feel happy and warm and fuzzy, and since I have only been complaining about things and life I decided to post something happy!
Bye
Me
And Tehur Has One Small New Meltdown
I tend to have these terrible panic attacks when confronted with the reality of my situation and this morning after a meeting with my boss I just had one of them.
I have been working, thinking I was going to receive an amount in my paycheck and it turns out I was mistaken. At a moment where my life is having major changes, when I have more things to pay than money I make, I freak out, literally as in yelling and pulling my hair, crying and wanting to kill myself sort of way.
Just this end of month I am moving houses, having to pay things that I had no idea I had to pay and working a demanding job that despite all I truly love.
I don't know how other people do it.
Everyone talks about how we are going through hard times, I feel them in my bank account every pay day, and I just don't know how people manage.
I have been so good about so much these 4 years I have lived on my own, but at this moment in my life all I want to do is slip under a rock and disappear.
The world is one big scary place to be right now. Especially if you are alone.
Everywhere I turn it seems either you are married and have someone to share house and debts with, or you,pardon the expression, are screwed!
I guess by my own standards I am pretty SCREWED...
Money makes my head hurt, but I also cannot simply live without money, so...Well I guess I will figure it out, not all is bad. I have a pretty new house to move into near everything and it's cozy and cute and I am happy about it, because I get to call it my own. Finally! Yay!
It will be a whole new sacrifice, but a very welcomed one.
Lunch hour over, gotta go meltdown over paperwork.
Me
I have been working, thinking I was going to receive an amount in my paycheck and it turns out I was mistaken. At a moment where my life is having major changes, when I have more things to pay than money I make, I freak out, literally as in yelling and pulling my hair, crying and wanting to kill myself sort of way.
Just this end of month I am moving houses, having to pay things that I had no idea I had to pay and working a demanding job that despite all I truly love.
I don't know how other people do it.
Everyone talks about how we are going through hard times, I feel them in my bank account every pay day, and I just don't know how people manage.
I have been so good about so much these 4 years I have lived on my own, but at this moment in my life all I want to do is slip under a rock and disappear.
The world is one big scary place to be right now. Especially if you are alone.
Everywhere I turn it seems either you are married and have someone to share house and debts with, or you,pardon the expression, are screwed!
I guess by my own standards I am pretty SCREWED...
Money makes my head hurt, but I also cannot simply live without money, so...Well I guess I will figure it out, not all is bad. I have a pretty new house to move into near everything and it's cozy and cute and I am happy about it, because I get to call it my own. Finally! Yay!
It will be a whole new sacrifice, but a very welcomed one.
Lunch hour over, gotta go meltdown over paperwork.
Me
Monday, May 25, 2009
Wake Up And Smell The Coffee!!!!
I love Mondays!
I know it is quite unusual to love Mondays, but I do.
I take public transportation to work, it takes me an 1 and a half to get to the place I am working right now. A bus, a train, the metro, the train again and the bus again. I see a lot of people every morning. I see happy people, angry people, sad people and my very favorite...Crazy people. As I sit down and try not to fall asleep I wonder what these people are thinking.
The same routine, the same transportation, the same job, the same everything.
It gets my brain all boggled up to think about what these people are thinking.
I watch them and watch and wonder and make up pretend conversations in my head of what could possibly be going in their heads.
The one thought that always slips into my mind, more like a question is...Are these people really doing what they love??????
I am a lucky girl, I have always done what I liked, even when I was working at the mall I was doing something I loved, even though it tired me four years later.
But most people are not as lucky as I am. Most people do things that they hate because they get a good paycheck at the end of the month.
So when I sit in the train wondering and thinking I cannot help but be sad over these people's lives.
I have experienced so much, been places, seen things, been happy...Truly happy!
So right this minute as I sit in front of my computer at work waiting to start my day of craziness and I think about the people in the public transportation on my way to work I am joyful.
So very joyful I get to do something I love and that I have been lucky to see so much...
My heart is truly glad!!!!!
Wake up and smell the coffee people it's a new day!!!!!!!
Update soon soon
Me
I know it is quite unusual to love Mondays, but I do.
I take public transportation to work, it takes me an 1 and a half to get to the place I am working right now. A bus, a train, the metro, the train again and the bus again. I see a lot of people every morning. I see happy people, angry people, sad people and my very favorite...Crazy people. As I sit down and try not to fall asleep I wonder what these people are thinking.
The same routine, the same transportation, the same job, the same everything.
It gets my brain all boggled up to think about what these people are thinking.
I watch them and watch and wonder and make up pretend conversations in my head of what could possibly be going in their heads.
The one thought that always slips into my mind, more like a question is...Are these people really doing what they love??????
I am a lucky girl, I have always done what I liked, even when I was working at the mall I was doing something I loved, even though it tired me four years later.
But most people are not as lucky as I am. Most people do things that they hate because they get a good paycheck at the end of the month.
So when I sit in the train wondering and thinking I cannot help but be sad over these people's lives.
I have experienced so much, been places, seen things, been happy...Truly happy!
So right this minute as I sit in front of my computer at work waiting to start my day of craziness and I think about the people in the public transportation on my way to work I am joyful.
So very joyful I get to do something I love and that I have been lucky to see so much...
My heart is truly glad!!!!!
Wake up and smell the coffee people it's a new day!!!!!!!
Update soon soon
Me
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I am stuck at work!!!!!
I am stuck at work!!!!
I am starting to think that maybe I will just move in into the office.
My way of going home is answering emails so I am stuck here being hungry and impatient all alone. So here I am sharing my heart with the WWW!!!!!!
I am so hungry I am pretty sure I could eat a whole cow on my own!!!!! Or a sweedish meatball sandwich, or maybe some Italian food!
Actually some cabbage and ugali would be nice, or fried eggs and toast with a mug of warm coffee....OK STOP IT!!!!! I am drooling over my computer and sobbing all at once. The hunger and thoughts of my nice yummy African food are killing me!
I don't really feel like I want to be serious today, so I am going to shove that person off of that chair and into the car...All I want today is to laugh till my bellie hurts and not think about having to wake up at 6 am.
Bye
Me
P.S. At least I am getting thinner...yay
LOL
I am starting to think that maybe I will just move in into the office.
My way of going home is answering emails so I am stuck here being hungry and impatient all alone. So here I am sharing my heart with the WWW!!!!!!
I am so hungry I am pretty sure I could eat a whole cow on my own!!!!! Or a sweedish meatball sandwich, or maybe some Italian food!
Actually some cabbage and ugali would be nice, or fried eggs and toast with a mug of warm coffee....OK STOP IT!!!!! I am drooling over my computer and sobbing all at once. The hunger and thoughts of my nice yummy African food are killing me!
I don't really feel like I want to be serious today, so I am going to shove that person off of that chair and into the car...All I want today is to laugh till my bellie hurts and not think about having to wake up at 6 am.
Bye
Me
P.S. At least I am getting thinner...yay
LOL
Friday, May 15, 2009
HI
I know I haven't posted for a long time. Life has been quite crazy lately. A new job, a new beginning as a single person once again and a lot of crazy changes in my always crazy life.
I wonder!
I wonder because I do not know what is that God has planned for me and I am scared.
The job has been great, I have started working in the office instead of outside knocking on people's doors. I like it a lot better. but it is far and it ends late.
Money also has not stretched and returning from a long absence has not been smooth, especially since I started working.
Living in a money making culture can totally kill the happiest, most joyful simple heart. I feel suffocated by what I see and what I hear. I miss Africa everyday. Sometimes I cry, and most times I sigh, and like I told Lisa I dream of Loita and it makes me feel safe and warm and fuzzy.
I am happy though, I feel pretty happy, but it is an ambivalent feeling. This is my home, but home sometimes means heartache.
I guess I just need a little more time...
Being single is a different story! It was hurtful and it was sad but like most things in life it will go away, this pain and sadness.
Have been there, done that and bought the t-shirt.
The craziness is normal in my life if it was not there it would not be real, I like it that way. It gives meaning to my existance.
I know I have been a bad blogger, but between not having the internet, being dumped, working more than 12 hours and sleeping, time just does not exist.
Hopefully it will pay off, talk to me when I own a Maserati( that would be if I cared about such things)
Someone laughed at my idea of not wanting to live my life around money, I laughed at him for letting money control his life.
I will be happy, one day, somewhere, in a beautiful simple place and I will be FREE!!!!
Which is something money cannot buy!
Me
I wonder!
I wonder because I do not know what is that God has planned for me and I am scared.
The job has been great, I have started working in the office instead of outside knocking on people's doors. I like it a lot better. but it is far and it ends late.
Money also has not stretched and returning from a long absence has not been smooth, especially since I started working.
Living in a money making culture can totally kill the happiest, most joyful simple heart. I feel suffocated by what I see and what I hear. I miss Africa everyday. Sometimes I cry, and most times I sigh, and like I told Lisa I dream of Loita and it makes me feel safe and warm and fuzzy.
I am happy though, I feel pretty happy, but it is an ambivalent feeling. This is my home, but home sometimes means heartache.
I guess I just need a little more time...
Being single is a different story! It was hurtful and it was sad but like most things in life it will go away, this pain and sadness.
Have been there, done that and bought the t-shirt.
The craziness is normal in my life if it was not there it would not be real, I like it that way. It gives meaning to my existance.
I know I have been a bad blogger, but between not having the internet, being dumped, working more than 12 hours and sleeping, time just does not exist.
Hopefully it will pay off, talk to me when I own a Maserati( that would be if I cared about such things)
Someone laughed at my idea of not wanting to live my life around money, I laughed at him for letting money control his life.
I will be happy, one day, somewhere, in a beautiful simple place and I will be FREE!!!!
Which is something money cannot buy!
Me
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