Long time and not one clarifying post about where I am right now.
Things these past few days have been crazy, sad, fun, and frustrating...Oh the paradox!!!
Things at work have been a little better, no one has yelled at me, I have managed to leave on time and all the little problems have been easily solved.
Now being me if one part is working some other part crumbles, so these past few days the work has been fine, but the personal life has crumbled.
Little piece on unasked advice, jealousy can rotten the most amazing relationship!
I am big on the crying scene if you know me. I hate the fighting, I hate the arguing I just cry and cry and that is exactly what I have been doing...CRY!
But, like C.S.Lewis wrote after all the crying there is this sudden peace as if nothing will ever happen again. I am the living proof of this quote.
From where I sit at work I look out this huge window. I can see outside, but the people outside can't see me, just their reflection. Every morning as I sit doing my work I see this elderly couple coming out of their house. She always wears a dress and a white hat, he always wears a cap and gray pants. You can see she has some difficulty walking, and he really is in no better shape than she is, but he still holds her arm and helps her. They walk around the block for a while go into the coffee shop and then return home. Sometimes if the day is quite warm as I am leaving work to go home I see them do the same thing. They have been my joy and hope, because every single day he is holding her hand and they walk around the block and they give a very unbelieving Tehur some hope that one day I will be the elderly lady leaning on my husband walking around the block.
Now you might be asking yourself what does that have to do with anything????
Well if I had thought about that image a few days ago I wouldn't have sent a very angry message, which would have saved me from a lot of hurt and crying.
If I had thought about my favorite elderly couple, patience would have come to mind. If I had remembered them, kindness would have settled in instead of anger, and love would have prevailed instead of lack of trust, but most important if i had remembered my elderly couple I would have had that image of leaning, would have thought about how much it takes to reach that point and instead of yelling I would have kissed and made up and patched the whole situation.
I'm the feisty kind though, and things didn't happen that way and if I were to be asked how much do I regret it, much, a whole lot, I do. I do because I knew better. I know it is not only my fault, it is a 2 way road, I should just have listened to the little voice telling me to love instead of wanting to hurt back.
Now I am stuck in that really nasty place where I do not know what to do. Apologizing would be the beginning, but I really do not know how to do that. I have my doubts an apology would even fix the whole thing. Promises are a dangerous ground to tread, they are never forgotten and if you ever break one it be a terrible place to be also.
So all I am armed with is love, just love and I do not even know the amount of power of love or what the heck am I supposed to do with it.
I know I must trust more, listen more, yell less and talk less, definitely talk less and Stop thinking I am the only one having a hard day around here. I am such a chatter box of complaint sometimes. I try real hard to be better at it but sometimes I just let it have the best of me.
Now what then???? I wait, wait and hope and pray my phone will ring, because I don't want to make things worse.
I look out at my elderly couple and imagine how was it 50 years back? Did they fight half at what I do? Was she a chatterbox like me? Was he jealous of her? Did she cry as much as me when he was mad at her?
I make up their youth conversations, the sweet words told, the pretty lines written on beautiful letters, the dreams shared of many years together the endless loving and caring for one another and all I can do is hope one day I will be the old lady with the hat with the flower patterned dress leaning on my once handsome husband talking about when we were young.
I gotta go work now,before I am caught writing here and then I will have to think about ugly things instead of lovee dovee stories up in me head.
Will post soon.
Tei
Friday, July 24, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Love
Sometimes I think relationships are crap!!!!
They involve a superhuman amount of hard work, dedication, patience, and love, loads of it.
To be honest I have no idea about what one is supposed to do to make a relationship work?
How do you make it work when you feel like you just want to yell, and hit and throw sharp stuff at the other person?
How can you fix what is wrong when one does not speak, does not share what is going on in their heart.
How can you make it work when you are oversensitive and every single word feels like a knife?
But most of all how can you make it work when you are so scared of letting go and trusting it will be ok this time?
I dunno! I am not a master in this specific area.
But I would really like to know!
They involve a superhuman amount of hard work, dedication, patience, and love, loads of it.
To be honest I have no idea about what one is supposed to do to make a relationship work?
How do you make it work when you feel like you just want to yell, and hit and throw sharp stuff at the other person?
How can you fix what is wrong when one does not speak, does not share what is going on in their heart.
How can you make it work when you are oversensitive and every single word feels like a knife?
But most of all how can you make it work when you are so scared of letting go and trusting it will be ok this time?
I dunno! I am not a master in this specific area.
But I would really like to know!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Study for Nothing!!!
As it turns out I might not be able to do my Biology exam tomorrow, not just because I have not studied enough, or near enough, but because I won't be able to take the day off. I missed a couple of days at work because of some stuff and now it is pure chaos. So I am not too happy!
I am not too joyful this day and I am pretty sure I have waited long enough to be able to do this and once again I won't.
Good thing...I have a whole year to prepare.Bad thing, it is making me terribly unhappy!
That is life for you in a Jiffy!!!!
bye
Tei
I am not too joyful this day and I am pretty sure I have waited long enough to be able to do this and once again I won't.
Good thing...I have a whole year to prepare.Bad thing, it is making me terribly unhappy!
That is life for you in a Jiffy!!!!
bye
Tei
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Pondering
I am sitting on my desk with some 12 equipments of cable TV to check- in and all I can do is sit and stare.
After a night of no sleep, and you could think it would be for some great, or honorable reason, but it wasn't, it was just plain fear and anticipation of Today.
As I have been writing lately, my job despite the fact that I do most times like what I am doing, is also killing me, harming me, hurting me.
I am a very calm person about almost anything, I stress at times, but I do not recall ever having anxiety attacks over any specific situation, not up till now.
I have anxiety attacks almost every day.
Yesterday I asked for a day off because I had to go get signed up for the Portuguese Biology National Exam so I can apply to college in this country, I asked my dear Technical Director if he wanted me to still work from home as the technicians need a callback every hour and since it usually is my job I offered, he said yes, only so later he could call me, yelling at me and asking me why the heck did I take the phone.I wanted to tell him to go to hell and I mean it.
I spent a day of hell, stressing about work. Every time my friend called from work with a voice like the World was ending and would not tell me what was going on I stressed.
I stress because my Technical Director is the most unorganized person I have met, because he has me do things and then asks me why I did such thing. Because he is constantly wanting my full attention for his menial jobs(like getting coffee, or his lunch) instead of thinking about the million things I need to get done before six for him, me and the Commercial Director(yes I could not only have ONE boss), I hate the way he treats the handy man here at work like this man is a dog not a person, and I hate the way he sometimes treats me, like I have nothing else in my head besides air. I think I hate him! And in this case hate is so not a strong word.
So today, I had made up my mind about leaving this money hungry stall, but I got called by my PhD boss(Who drives a great car and tells me that if he could he would have me working here for no paycheck at all) that wanted to know why the heck did I want to leave the company, and so I told him, everything, and went cuckoo telling him the truth and he listened and was terribly sweet to me, telling me how important I am for this company. Exactly what I would say if I did not want to lose the receptionist/back office/personal assistant who gets a 600 euro paycheck(which is way underpaid for the job I am doing).
And so I sit, stare and ponder about all of this, wondering if all this stress is worth it, if getting sick again is worth it, for 600 euros and contemplating the possibility of losing all my pride and beg for my job at the mall back.
I need a job, but I do not need this kind of crap in my life. I am not like them women you see on TV who work at big companies and act all bitchy to other men and women who work with them, I do not have one ounce of that in me(I do not think I would even if I really wanted to) and to be honest I do not want to have it. I like being me, I like being able to think about so many other things besides making loads of money.
I have reached no exact conclusion!
So if you have an opinion about this I am more than willing to listen, or read about it.
Why can't life just be simple, like having a cup o chai and feeling the warm earth beneath my feet and this feeling of endless happiness burning in me for something so normal?
After a night of no sleep, and you could think it would be for some great, or honorable reason, but it wasn't, it was just plain fear and anticipation of Today.
As I have been writing lately, my job despite the fact that I do most times like what I am doing, is also killing me, harming me, hurting me.
I am a very calm person about almost anything, I stress at times, but I do not recall ever having anxiety attacks over any specific situation, not up till now.
I have anxiety attacks almost every day.
Yesterday I asked for a day off because I had to go get signed up for the Portuguese Biology National Exam so I can apply to college in this country, I asked my dear Technical Director if he wanted me to still work from home as the technicians need a callback every hour and since it usually is my job I offered, he said yes, only so later he could call me, yelling at me and asking me why the heck did I take the phone.I wanted to tell him to go to hell and I mean it.
I spent a day of hell, stressing about work. Every time my friend called from work with a voice like the World was ending and would not tell me what was going on I stressed.
I stress because my Technical Director is the most unorganized person I have met, because he has me do things and then asks me why I did such thing. Because he is constantly wanting my full attention for his menial jobs(like getting coffee, or his lunch) instead of thinking about the million things I need to get done before six for him, me and the Commercial Director(yes I could not only have ONE boss), I hate the way he treats the handy man here at work like this man is a dog not a person, and I hate the way he sometimes treats me, like I have nothing else in my head besides air. I think I hate him! And in this case hate is so not a strong word.
So today, I had made up my mind about leaving this money hungry stall, but I got called by my PhD boss(Who drives a great car and tells me that if he could he would have me working here for no paycheck at all) that wanted to know why the heck did I want to leave the company, and so I told him, everything, and went cuckoo telling him the truth and he listened and was terribly sweet to me, telling me how important I am for this company. Exactly what I would say if I did not want to lose the receptionist/back office/personal assistant who gets a 600 euro paycheck(which is way underpaid for the job I am doing).
And so I sit, stare and ponder about all of this, wondering if all this stress is worth it, if getting sick again is worth it, for 600 euros and contemplating the possibility of losing all my pride and beg for my job at the mall back.
I need a job, but I do not need this kind of crap in my life. I am not like them women you see on TV who work at big companies and act all bitchy to other men and women who work with them, I do not have one ounce of that in me(I do not think I would even if I really wanted to) and to be honest I do not want to have it. I like being me, I like being able to think about so many other things besides making loads of money.
I have reached no exact conclusion!
So if you have an opinion about this I am more than willing to listen, or read about it.
Why can't life just be simple, like having a cup o chai and feeling the warm earth beneath my feet and this feeling of endless happiness burning in me for something so normal?
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
I am Going to College!!!!!If it kills me!!!!!
After numerous breakdowns at work, tears, rage, and the fact that I practically am the slave around here I had a big wake up call.
The whole college situation has been in the back of my mind since I first got my HS diploma a year and a half ago. I wanted to go to college, for so many reasons:
A) I would be the only one out of my close family not to go.
B) My father would hold it against me(not that it really matters that he holds it against me, more that I would not have him throw that in my face years later)
C) Because I know that wherever my mother is, she is watching me and it would make her proud.
Yes, they are all reasons for other people, not exactly for me, but I also want to go, I like learning, I like knowing more, I enjoy school and the fact that with a diploma comes respect, the respect I at the moment lack because I do not have a college education. Even if I never get to use my degree I want to have it, so I get to yell at everyone and act snobbish because I have a college degree(just kidding).
Seriously now, I do not want to be a PA for the rest of my life, I do not want to make loads of money, I want to help people, have a small house in the middle of nowhere(preferably Africa), a ranch of kids yelling my name and a big huge swing out in ma yard. That's it!
In no place in my dream there is time for a stressful job, with money hungry people, that are all pretty much crazy and think that everyone else is too.
So I am going to college, no matter how hard I will have to work, how long I will have to stay up, how tough it might be I will not let it come in my way! I sound like a character from the braveheart movie.
I am pretty insane on my own I do not need anyone else's insanity to complete mine.
I have exactly 5 days to sign up for a Biology exam, get a tetanus shot, and study for the stupid exam so then I can apply to a college so I have an answer in October, it is not much time, but it is enough time. Enough time to change my life!
It is the time for change!
Oh I love life...at times!
The whole college situation has been in the back of my mind since I first got my HS diploma a year and a half ago. I wanted to go to college, for so many reasons:
A) I would be the only one out of my close family not to go.
B) My father would hold it against me(not that it really matters that he holds it against me, more that I would not have him throw that in my face years later)
C) Because I know that wherever my mother is, she is watching me and it would make her proud.
Yes, they are all reasons for other people, not exactly for me, but I also want to go, I like learning, I like knowing more, I enjoy school and the fact that with a diploma comes respect, the respect I at the moment lack because I do not have a college education. Even if I never get to use my degree I want to have it, so I get to yell at everyone and act snobbish because I have a college degree(just kidding).
Seriously now, I do not want to be a PA for the rest of my life, I do not want to make loads of money, I want to help people, have a small house in the middle of nowhere(preferably Africa), a ranch of kids yelling my name and a big huge swing out in ma yard. That's it!
In no place in my dream there is time for a stressful job, with money hungry people, that are all pretty much crazy and think that everyone else is too.
So I am going to college, no matter how hard I will have to work, how long I will have to stay up, how tough it might be I will not let it come in my way! I sound like a character from the braveheart movie.
I am pretty insane on my own I do not need anyone else's insanity to complete mine.
I have exactly 5 days to sign up for a Biology exam, get a tetanus shot, and study for the stupid exam so then I can apply to a college so I have an answer in October, it is not much time, but it is enough time. Enough time to change my life!
It is the time for change!
Oh I love life...at times!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
The Harming in Caring too Much!!!!
I had a whole different blog written to post here, really funny about my beach misfortune this past weekend, but I really do not want to post it because I am suffocating in my need of letting it all out somewhere, these feelings that are killing me.
It sounds really overwhelming, and overwhelmed indeed I feel.
I have known for t least five years that I get way too involved with my work, and when I say way to involved I really MEAN, way too involved, working on the weekends, never turning my phone off, dreaming and crying about it kind of involved.
If you looked at my paycheck you would not understand. To be quite honest I sometimes wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
I guess in a way my job gives me this drive, this kick, kind of like cocain, but not so totally devastating, not that I ever tried cocain, but I can imagine and I watch movies.
I tend to get really stressed out and when I stress I yell, and usually I yell at all the wrong people. I am not the kind of person that won't apologize if I know I was wrong, I do. I am human I mess up and I am also an adult so I should see when I have done wrong. What I cannot understand is how other people never seem able to understand that.
I certainly do not appreciate being told that my job consists of inserting data in a database,for various reasons.
1: That is not my job description.
2: The only reason why everything around the technical area doesn't crumble sometimes is because someone stays at the office till 12am finishing up.
3: I refuse to let someone bring me down and belittle me in that way no matter how much I like that person or not.
Yes because that is how I felt, belittled by that comment and I would much rather have been yelled at and called stupid than being told I do nothing all day.
That was not even the top of the iceberg the top of the iceberg is the inability of this person to apologize. That hurts!
I am not that sensitive about my job, I don't really care about what people think because I know how much I work for it to be done properly, on time, etc, but I am certainly not ready to be told I do nothing with a smile on my face and no comeback.
I am hurt,and I am sad and I hate fighting so I don't really know what to do and praying is not an option at the moment because I feel very unforgiving and to be honest I really don't want to forgive it just yet.
I am really trying to be the bigger person in trying to somehow understand the stubborn attitude, but I am having a hard time.
I am completely aware that my job is not as tiring as other jobs, or as stressing, but I am not happy that the way this was said was in the most condescending, patronizing, stubborn and rude away and still that that person thinks that they are entitled to still be mad at me for answering back.
I am sure I am not an easy person, I never said I was, that apologies should be avoided instead of given, but I am only human and at that point yesterday a very scared, annoyed, frustrated and lonely person.
I still haven't really figured out if I am only, just hurt or if I am angry AND hurt. Because the combination of the latter would be explosive.
I am a very proud person, my worst defect, and if I have to I can also be mean(which totally shows my level of maturity at this specific time, about this specific issue), but I am just so overwhelmed right now and I really hate the fact that I suck at arguing. I hate arguing because it comes to a time that no matter how right I am I stop having comebacks and I just blank stare the person down go off to lala land and nod to the annoying beast in front of me.
Today basically my day has been crappy. I have really nothing to work on(amazingly so), what I have to do I don't want to do and could not care less about it, and I am just feeling really sick over the above described situation and like I could really smack that person. My thoughts are very dark right now, ideas of office scissors and banging my head on my desk are filling my brain, any valid excuse to go home, better involving some kind of bleeding injury to be more convincing( another meter of my level of maturity at the moment)and the worst part is I am pretty sure I could/would/might do it if I knew I would not end up fired.
Well I hope you are not yet thinking I am freak, or that I need to be institutionalized(but any place you have 3 meals a day, get to read and do pretty much whatever as long as you are calm and you don't have to pay for it, sounds like a better plan than my life at this exact point).
More updates soon and if not it is probably due to some form of amnesia, a consequence of banging my head against a hard surface.
have a better day than me!!!!
Tei
It sounds really overwhelming, and overwhelmed indeed I feel.
I have known for t least five years that I get way too involved with my work, and when I say way to involved I really MEAN, way too involved, working on the weekends, never turning my phone off, dreaming and crying about it kind of involved.
If you looked at my paycheck you would not understand. To be quite honest I sometimes wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
I guess in a way my job gives me this drive, this kick, kind of like cocain, but not so totally devastating, not that I ever tried cocain, but I can imagine and I watch movies.
I tend to get really stressed out and when I stress I yell, and usually I yell at all the wrong people. I am not the kind of person that won't apologize if I know I was wrong, I do. I am human I mess up and I am also an adult so I should see when I have done wrong. What I cannot understand is how other people never seem able to understand that.
I certainly do not appreciate being told that my job consists of inserting data in a database,for various reasons.
1: That is not my job description.
2: The only reason why everything around the technical area doesn't crumble sometimes is because someone stays at the office till 12am finishing up.
3: I refuse to let someone bring me down and belittle me in that way no matter how much I like that person or not.
Yes because that is how I felt, belittled by that comment and I would much rather have been yelled at and called stupid than being told I do nothing all day.
That was not even the top of the iceberg the top of the iceberg is the inability of this person to apologize. That hurts!
I am not that sensitive about my job, I don't really care about what people think because I know how much I work for it to be done properly, on time, etc, but I am certainly not ready to be told I do nothing with a smile on my face and no comeback.
I am hurt,and I am sad and I hate fighting so I don't really know what to do and praying is not an option at the moment because I feel very unforgiving and to be honest I really don't want to forgive it just yet.
I am really trying to be the bigger person in trying to somehow understand the stubborn attitude, but I am having a hard time.
I am completely aware that my job is not as tiring as other jobs, or as stressing, but I am not happy that the way this was said was in the most condescending, patronizing, stubborn and rude away and still that that person thinks that they are entitled to still be mad at me for answering back.
I am sure I am not an easy person, I never said I was, that apologies should be avoided instead of given, but I am only human and at that point yesterday a very scared, annoyed, frustrated and lonely person.
I still haven't really figured out if I am only, just hurt or if I am angry AND hurt. Because the combination of the latter would be explosive.
I am a very proud person, my worst defect, and if I have to I can also be mean(which totally shows my level of maturity at this specific time, about this specific issue), but I am just so overwhelmed right now and I really hate the fact that I suck at arguing. I hate arguing because it comes to a time that no matter how right I am I stop having comebacks and I just blank stare the person down go off to lala land and nod to the annoying beast in front of me.
Today basically my day has been crappy. I have really nothing to work on(amazingly so), what I have to do I don't want to do and could not care less about it, and I am just feeling really sick over the above described situation and like I could really smack that person. My thoughts are very dark right now, ideas of office scissors and banging my head on my desk are filling my brain, any valid excuse to go home, better involving some kind of bleeding injury to be more convincing( another meter of my level of maturity at the moment)and the worst part is I am pretty sure I could/would/might do it if I knew I would not end up fired.
Well I hope you are not yet thinking I am freak, or that I need to be institutionalized(but any place you have 3 meals a day, get to read and do pretty much whatever as long as you are calm and you don't have to pay for it, sounds like a better plan than my life at this exact point).
More updates soon and if not it is probably due to some form of amnesia, a consequence of banging my head against a hard surface.
have a better day than me!!!!
Tei
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)