I love the wonders of technology:) I always loved my phone,it's always on,under my pillow,everywhere and when I leave it behind forgotten which is rarely I hiperventilate. I had never thought about the possibility of having the internet on it I usually use it for smsing and talkin on it for hours,but my boredom yesterday was great and I found out I had the internet and it was for free. Love it! So here I am exploring my new possibilites and for all I do this is quite enough. My poor little blog that has been quiet for quite sometime will soon be pumping again. Hooray! Starting tomorrow! Hope it will work it'S charm again on me, I sure need:)*

The Life of a Baby-Sitter

Being a baby-sitter is not easy. It is the trial before becoming a mom, I can guaratee I am one of the best baby-sitters in town, but I am not ready to be a mother.
When my alarm clock goes off at 5:45 am so I can go baby-sit at 6:45 am, my soul hurts, oh it does. The thought of dirty diapers and sleepy kids make me just want to go right back into my bed, but the stories, oh the stories I have to tell...
Right in the morning hearing a 7 year old yell out of the bathroom for you, it's not the most joyful sound.
"TEHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRR"
"wHAT???? Just move it we have to go to school!!!!!"
"Tehuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrr"
"Whattttttttttttttttt??????"
" Come hereeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
(Tehur goes, mumbling under her breath of how she will be late to work and scared, oh so scared of what she will find)
And scared should she be...
In the bathroom is a 7 year old holding on to a soaked in poop and pee and water toilet paper roll...
"It fell in the toilet, can you throw it out??? Here take it."
What else could I do... Held it with two fingers and with my grossed out face threw it away.
What else could I do...I laughed under my breath, inside I was wanting to burst into a wild laughter, never did I imagine that holding on to a soeaked in poopy roll of paper would be the outcome of my mornings after working in a company all executive like, dealing with men and clients, now I have my tiny costumers with real needs and wild imaginations. All they ever want is for me to play, build car tracks and make plane sounds. To sit on the floor and read stories on a rainy day.
And that executive world, with the men in their impecable suits and freaky ties, seem a million worlds away. The yelling clients and the stress are like a dream I once had and the high heels and manicured nails are just old pictures.
All it matters now is that I can finger paint and kiss a boo boo better and maybe if the rain won't go away a big mug of hot cocoa.
And that my friends is all that matters to me on my daily basis.
Eevn though I am not ready to be a mom, I would never trade my dirty diapers and car tracks back for that world of adulthood, from that I want distance.
I rather draw rainbows, thank you very much!

Madness

I haven't written on my blog for quite a while and although a lot of very nice things have happenned so have a lot of weird and sad things.
I haven't really been able to vent and work has been crazy and great at the same time. Even though I could not go back to my teaching job, that closed door has opened others like babysitting jobs that not only have helped my budget, but also grown that bug in me for teaching.
You will like to know that I have not moved out of my apartment, I have managed to stay there and I could not think of any better place to be at the moment than at my home.
Like everything in life in the realm of relationships, not only romantic, but in general, life has not been easy on me.
I don't think any year has been quite like 2009, not only did I live my great adventure with going to Africa, started my blog which I love, moved out, moved in, been dating and dumped and got dumped, but it was also the year of growth in me.
I did not see it while I was down in the dump crying my eyes out, nope, neither did I see it when I was laughing and smiling and loving and being loved, nope! I saw it when I sat alone contemplating the fact that I felt like nothing really significant had really happened, and then it hit me.
The tears, the laughter, the sadness, the happiness, it changed me.
I love and hate that! It makes me happy it changed me and it makes me sad that with it I lost so much more of that innocence that in some way or other I held on so dearly to.
I just turned 23 and I feel there is so much yet to learn, but if it will be anywhere near 2009 I rather not:P\If it were ever that easy!!!!

Back "Home"

I feel like the Prodigal Son somehow!
I promised myself I would not ever as long as I lived return to work at any mall, I thought 5 years was more than enough and I was quite done with it. I was so, so, so far away from the truth it hurts.
When I came back from Africa I really thought my life was going to suffer major changes, and oh man it did, just not in the way I expected. I nailed a nine to five job, weekends off, I moved houses, I was in a new relationship and as it seems I was blind too because no matter how the truth danced in front of my eyes I just kind of ignored it. Some things can't be ignored that easily.
My nine to five job was amazing in terms of what I did, I dealt with people and like I have said before I loved it, but it turned out crap in the people I work with area, so of course I knew I would not stay there forever, my house was nice while it lasted, but with no house mate anymore there is no way I will ever be able to afford my apartment and my relationship... Well that's a stand-by right now.
To be really honest all I wanted to do was pack my bags and leave, and I am woman enough to do that I had the money for a ticket somewhere, but I decided I was going to be responsible and stay and eat up this crumbled cookie that is my life right now.
I know it seems I am a crumbled cookie a lot of times, I have a tendency to be a crumbled cookie I guess that is how I learn and it all comes from being stubborn and hard headed about my decisions. I have tried to get better, to be more submissive and listening, but I suck at it big, big time.
So I went back to the mall and begged, literally begged for my job back. Talk about humble pie!!!!
I got it back! So that is why I feel like the prodigal son today.
I guess it is a new lesson I learned the hard way.
Let's see where this journey is going to take me.
Pray I find a new house, that things get fixed and relationships healed...
Much Love.
Te

Sometimes

Sometimes the world is upside down, and all I see is walls around.
Sometimes hope goes on a way, but finds you on some other place,
And sometimes I feel so blue, I'd make the blueberry boo.
For most times I get so lost, I honestly lose all trust,
But when I look around and get to feel the solid ground, right under my feet,
The world somehow, starts to make sense,I let happiness take a chance...
Soon, before I know, my heart just overflows, with music and cheer,
Dance erupts from within and I sing songs and I sing hymns...
Sometimes joy is a decision and hope your very mission,
So don't give up just yet...
Give your soul another chance:
To Hope,
To Love,
To Dance,
To Learn,
Because sometimes that's all it takes, for your self to be reborn....

Ready or Not Here I come!

I was talking to my sister today, really pouring my heart out on how uncentered I have felt for the past few months, and we came to the conclusion I am in need of a new adventure.
I have pretty much felt uncentered since I came back from Africa. It is a feeling of being lost inside myself. Coming back sure was not easy, getting used the craziness again was the weirdest thing.I felt like I did not belong to this anymore, I had fallen in love with another country, another culture and my culture was now strange to me.
It sounds dumb, but it's true.
I thought I would fix my mess with a new job, and a new relationship, and a new house and a new everything. I was wrong! I did not fix anything, I created a rollercoaster and the rollercoaster is making me sick.
Most times I feel really lonely in the middle of the mess, and I feel like I want to cry and I terribly miss my mom, actually miss my family and all I want to do is to run home. Now there is no home to run to, there's only friends and pretend families and I love them to pieces, but it is not the same.
Some people feel that having security and stability in their lives is what they need to fix the mess, the rollercoaster...I go on what I call adventures!
Adventures fix me inside, because I get to see life and people in a whole different perspective, I am shaped by those experiences and I learn so much more than I ever would at work or school.
Besides adventures make me happy, they bring joy to my life, I find I can adapt better to a new scenario than to stay the same.
My feeling of not having a center has a lot to do with the fact that I have found it really hard to see my Mr. God in the places where I have been. When you can´t see God, feel God, turn to God in times of happiness and sadness you are easily thrown into confusion and chaos. All you can do at moments like that is to not let go, never let go and God will come rescue you if you keep on fighting.
I want my center back and I want my life changed, it has been a lot farther away than it is right now.
Broken hearts, and crappy jobs, fake people and a terrible feeling of loss can actually be a miracle on your way to bigger, better, most amazing things than you could have possibly imagined.
I hate the mess right now, I hate crying so many times and be thrown on my knees so many times, I hate believing and then being betrayed, I hate putting my heart out there and then get it trampled by people I was sure loved me, I hate the rollercoaster, but even I have to admit it's necessary.
I am being shaped, I am a little closer to that which I am supposed to be.
That's what keeps me going, that's what makes me not want to give up, that is exactly way I love my God even when I can honestly tell the world He is not my center right now, because He won't give up on me, and neither will I.
Maybe my adventure right now is not so much go away and travel the world, but stay here and regain my center, maybe the changes are little, but here or in me.
Maybe in the midst of it all the bigger adventure is to learn how to let go and give it all to whom can fix it instead of holding it all in and playing God.
Maybe my big adventure is to find me...here!
And that is pretty crazy:D

Hard Times

Once every blue moon you are bound to deal with the ghosts of the past that haunt you in some manner and sometimes you won't be ready for it.
I haven't really dealt or even thought about death, pretty much since my mother passed away(I really hate this word, it feels like one is sugarcoating reality).
It is not really one of those subjects one likes to dwell upon. Yes I tend to be a little morbid at times, or throw a morbid joke here and there or have to mention my mom's death to someone, but on the latter I try to do it in a matter of fact way so no one feels uncomfortable, actually I think sometimes I make people too comfortable to talk about my mother's death around me.
My mom was sick, and had been sick for quite a while, and I guess I somehow was aware of it, just didn't want to admit to the hard truth, so I lived in this denial state for a whole year. I lived thinking she would get better, even when I saw my mom cry in pain and despair I wanted to believe so hard that she would get better, that she would become her normal self again. Cancer in not a merciful dicease.
I received the dreadful call, and even tough they would not tell me I informed my grandmother of the facts till, that's when I heard my dad start crying. I will never in my life for as long as I live forget that feeling, it was like I was levitating out of my body, watching all from the outside in. I guess I was in shock!
I was so angry, so sad, so numb all at the same time I ran into my mom's room and locked myself in there, in the dark and the silence, amongst her things whispering to myself it had been a big mistake, that the hospital was gonna call and apologize and we would all laugh about it later...The hospital never called again and the hard truth had to settle and I was the only one not prepared from our family for it. So I did what I do best when stressed,I worked...
I worked my ass off...I focused so hard on the funeral I did not let anyone do anything, not that anyone in our family, prepared or not could do anything. The others were prepared but the sadness was to overwhelming for them, I on the contrary can be very practical when I have to be and as long as I pretended it was not my mother's funeral, I could do it all. I called the hospital, I called family and friends, I arranged for the flowers, the clothes my mom would wear, her casket, everything. It is not something one can brag of, not like you can say "I threw the best funeral ever for my mom you know?" you just do what you have to do...period. That was not the difficult part, that was the easy part, I like the matter-of- fact stuff.
The worst part was when people started arriving. I guess most people feel awkward at funerals, but some people can really be stupid.Asking how are you doing to the 16 year old girl who just lost her mom is not ok, unless you enjoy getting a rude answer. Coming to a funeral when everyone knows you disliked the person who passed is another no-no, unless you enjoy being beaten up. Throwing a crying fit is not ok either unless you are family! These are all good examples of what could set someone who just lost someone anger off.
Since my mom's funeral I have been more aware of this and have undersood that actions, not words can make the difference.
I still have a little note my friend Jesse gave me at my mom's funeral, simple and sweet and at the moment when all around me was just a mess, his note made me feel loved and somehow understood even though he had written that he couldn't possibly know how I was feeling, it made a difference that day, it made a difference to me.
Death is part of life, throughout life I am sure I will attend many more Funerals from dear ones, to complete strangers and I have decided I want to be the one who cares enough not to overwhelm, to be there, to love.
All this brings me to the ghosts of the past because yesterday I had to attend a wake for my friend´s dad who has passed away and like I said I was not ready for them. When I was told he had passed away I was flooded with them ghosts and memories and I knew exactly how my friend was feeling and I knew nothing I said or did, or anyone for that matter would make her pain less. Actually in these moments you do not want your pain lessened, you want to feel everything, because feeling that pain is all you have to hold on to that person who has left you...it's like holding on to a balloon that the wind is pulling away.
When I saw her it broke my heart, because since I already know how it feels I would gladly change places with her, but that wouln't really be being her friend. As a friend you cant't take away the pain, all you can really do is love.
I did not enjoy thinking about the past, but I was glad I went even if it was just to give her a hug, even for just a few minutes,even if I was feeling so impotent. I was glad I was there with her, because showing you care makes the difference, it made for me.
Death is not pleasant, but even from it you gain valuable Life lessons...isn't it ironic????