Moments

I don´t usually like writing about family.
For all these years I haven´t really have been given any thought about it.
My family after my mom passed away sort of got scattered around 3 different continents and I just had to deal with that fact and suck it up.
I guess I could say I chose my family the second time around, God is kind that way, he allowed me to hand pick the family I wish I could have and actually get to enjoy being part of it.
I felt secure and loved by the Fernandes family like I had never had felt in my own family. Again, I never even thought too much about it.
Today my "sister" turned 19 and as I was sitting there with the whole family, being part of their lives, their laughs, their happiness and joy I felt truly blessed.
All I wanted to do was hug them and never let go.
I had built this cover that I needed no family to be happy, I had good friends and that should be enough, because people have a way of failing you somehow, but as I was there I could only think about the many times I had failed them this past 5 years and not once they gave up on me.
Most people could and would have done it, but they never did.
My sister has heard me cry and laugh many times and not once she turned me down or didn´t have a kind word to say to me, even if she had to tell me how wrong I was before.
My younger sister brightens my day, she makes me laugh all the time and is really good at keeping secrets. She in some ways reminds me of myself.
My "mom" is the one I run to for advice and for assurance of who I am in God when I have lost sight of it in the mist of my overwhelming feelings. She believes in me, when I don´t.
And my "dad", oh I love my dad. We don´t get to sit and talk as much as I would love to, but I don´t think we really need that. He looks at me and that look speaks more than a thousand conversations. He keeps me on track, and I am not quite sure he is even aware of it.
I can assure that I have been on the right path because of him these years.
Respect is the foundation, so words are really not necessary.
They are not the only ones though, the Catarino and the Fernandes family are a big, big family and I love them all dearly, they all have influenced me and impacted my life in such a way, it is hard to describe in words.
I wish I could only express it in a way that people could understand.
The best thing I can say is that if God would let you chose the family you were born into, I would choose them, without a doubt
I am the adopted daughter, sister, grandaughter, cousin, niece and I adore it.
A I was looking at my sister today on her birthday, seeing her smile and laugh I felt so lucky and so blessed to be able to part of that.
I was part of something bigger than myself, part of a family, part of love.
My dear sisters are both leaving this year, one to college, the other for an exchange year in the States. We grew up together and it feels weird that I won´t have them around.
For a little bit I freaked out, I felt like I was "losing" something.
But you can´t lose family, family is forever, family never ever lets go, family sticks together, supports each other, family, family, family. That word just feels good.

God is kind that way...I see God every single time look at my "family" and isn´t that just awesome?

Hi

I was listening to this song and warm thoughts of love and sadness, hurt and happiness, quiet times and laughter came to mind.
The song is by drive and lucia moniz and I always loved it for many, many reasons.
I won´t give up on you:)

"Lúcia Moniz A Wish (keep Fighting) lyrics"


(Drive)
Please don't be scared
I won't dissapoint you
Just look at my face
I shouldn't love you anyway

I wanna try it
I think I'm already trying
I'm already trying

Because I believe it
Yes I believe it
And I am trying...

(Lúcia Moniz)
Please keep fighting
Keep fighting...
Together we can build something beautiful
Please keep fighting
Together we'll build love...

(Drive)
I can't live without you
Could I ever learn how to live wiht you?

(Drive e Lúcia Moniz)
Cause I believe it
Yes I believe it
And I am trying...

Please keep fighting
Keep fighting
Together we can build something beautiful
Please keep fighting
Together we'll build love...

Please keep fighting
Keep fighting
Together we can build something beautiful
Please keep fighting
Keep fighting...

(Drive e Lúcia Moniz)
I wont give up on you...

Please keep fighting
Together we'll build love...

Don't you give up now on me
I won't give up on you...

Guess who´s back, back again...

Hello 1 or 2 people who read my blog, I am back:)
I am actually siting in my living room in my home writing this.
After fighting against it since I first moved here I decided it would be smart to get the internet, the phone and cable at my house if I wanted to continue to have family.
So I will have to get back in my writing mode, 8 months at a store in the mall kinda made stupid, my brain feels numb.
Much has changed, but life has been kind to me lately. I have a good job at a clinic, being a dentist´s assistant, I wish I could say I am loving it, but most times I just get frustrated because I haven´t nailed it yet. Soon I will just love it all the time.
I applied for Nursing School, getting back in the study mode was even harder than the dentist thing. My exam wasn´t great but I can go on the second phase of the Portuguese National Exams. It´s nerve wrecking, but I have to if I ever want to do something I love.
Te biggest change in my life was that, I gt a dog! Her name is Rilla and she has become my greatest love of all It is just like having a child and sometimes I really just want to throw her out of the window, but she makes me laugh and she is a very good company.
I think it made me even more responsible to have her. I care for her and I have someone who needs me and loves me uncondicionally, which is more than some people can say.
I got more than I bargained for and I wouldn´t give her up ever.
I think I love my dog better than some people in my life ad I am not ashamed to say it.
Love
Me

I love the wonders of technology:) I always loved my phone,it's always on,under my pillow,everywhere and when I leave it behind forgotten which is rarely I hiperventilate. I had never thought about the possibility of having the internet on it I usually use it for smsing and talkin on it for hours,but my boredom yesterday was great and I found out I had the internet and it was for free. Love it! So here I am exploring my new possibilites and for all I do this is quite enough. My poor little blog that has been quiet for quite sometime will soon be pumping again. Hooray! Starting tomorrow! Hope it will work it'S charm again on me, I sure need:)*

The Life of a Baby-Sitter

Being a baby-sitter is not easy. It is the trial before becoming a mom, I can guaratee I am one of the best baby-sitters in town, but I am not ready to be a mother.
When my alarm clock goes off at 5:45 am so I can go baby-sit at 6:45 am, my soul hurts, oh it does. The thought of dirty diapers and sleepy kids make me just want to go right back into my bed, but the stories, oh the stories I have to tell...
Right in the morning hearing a 7 year old yell out of the bathroom for you, it's not the most joyful sound.
"TEHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRR"
"wHAT???? Just move it we have to go to school!!!!!"
"Tehuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrr"
"Whattttttttttttttttt??????"
" Come hereeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
(Tehur goes, mumbling under her breath of how she will be late to work and scared, oh so scared of what she will find)
And scared should she be...
In the bathroom is a 7 year old holding on to a soaked in poop and pee and water toilet paper roll...
"It fell in the toilet, can you throw it out??? Here take it."
What else could I do... Held it with two fingers and with my grossed out face threw it away.
What else could I do...I laughed under my breath, inside I was wanting to burst into a wild laughter, never did I imagine that holding on to a soeaked in poopy roll of paper would be the outcome of my mornings after working in a company all executive like, dealing with men and clients, now I have my tiny costumers with real needs and wild imaginations. All they ever want is for me to play, build car tracks and make plane sounds. To sit on the floor and read stories on a rainy day.
And that executive world, with the men in their impecable suits and freaky ties, seem a million worlds away. The yelling clients and the stress are like a dream I once had and the high heels and manicured nails are just old pictures.
All it matters now is that I can finger paint and kiss a boo boo better and maybe if the rain won't go away a big mug of hot cocoa.
And that my friends is all that matters to me on my daily basis.
Eevn though I am not ready to be a mom, I would never trade my dirty diapers and car tracks back for that world of adulthood, from that I want distance.
I rather draw rainbows, thank you very much!

Madness

I haven't written on my blog for quite a while and although a lot of very nice things have happenned so have a lot of weird and sad things.
I haven't really been able to vent and work has been crazy and great at the same time. Even though I could not go back to my teaching job, that closed door has opened others like babysitting jobs that not only have helped my budget, but also grown that bug in me for teaching.
You will like to know that I have not moved out of my apartment, I have managed to stay there and I could not think of any better place to be at the moment than at my home.
Like everything in life in the realm of relationships, not only romantic, but in general, life has not been easy on me.
I don't think any year has been quite like 2009, not only did I live my great adventure with going to Africa, started my blog which I love, moved out, moved in, been dating and dumped and got dumped, but it was also the year of growth in me.
I did not see it while I was down in the dump crying my eyes out, nope, neither did I see it when I was laughing and smiling and loving and being loved, nope! I saw it when I sat alone contemplating the fact that I felt like nothing really significant had really happened, and then it hit me.
The tears, the laughter, the sadness, the happiness, it changed me.
I love and hate that! It makes me happy it changed me and it makes me sad that with it I lost so much more of that innocence that in some way or other I held on so dearly to.
I just turned 23 and I feel there is so much yet to learn, but if it will be anywhere near 2009 I rather not:P\If it were ever that easy!!!!

Back "Home"

I feel like the Prodigal Son somehow!
I promised myself I would not ever as long as I lived return to work at any mall, I thought 5 years was more than enough and I was quite done with it. I was so, so, so far away from the truth it hurts.
When I came back from Africa I really thought my life was going to suffer major changes, and oh man it did, just not in the way I expected. I nailed a nine to five job, weekends off, I moved houses, I was in a new relationship and as it seems I was blind too because no matter how the truth danced in front of my eyes I just kind of ignored it. Some things can't be ignored that easily.
My nine to five job was amazing in terms of what I did, I dealt with people and like I have said before I loved it, but it turned out crap in the people I work with area, so of course I knew I would not stay there forever, my house was nice while it lasted, but with no house mate anymore there is no way I will ever be able to afford my apartment and my relationship... Well that's a stand-by right now.
To be really honest all I wanted to do was pack my bags and leave, and I am woman enough to do that I had the money for a ticket somewhere, but I decided I was going to be responsible and stay and eat up this crumbled cookie that is my life right now.
I know it seems I am a crumbled cookie a lot of times, I have a tendency to be a crumbled cookie I guess that is how I learn and it all comes from being stubborn and hard headed about my decisions. I have tried to get better, to be more submissive and listening, but I suck at it big, big time.
So I went back to the mall and begged, literally begged for my job back. Talk about humble pie!!!!
I got it back! So that is why I feel like the prodigal son today.
I guess it is a new lesson I learned the hard way.
Let's see where this journey is going to take me.
Pray I find a new house, that things get fixed and relationships healed...
Much Love.
Te