I am blue right now. Very blue... I hate being blue, it does not suit me at all.
It is 6pm and I should be heading home, but I am still at my 9 to 5 work waiting for I am not exactly sure what. It has been quite a day, filled with laughter and also stress, some yelling and some of the old fashioned getting annoyed.
For some brief minutes today I actually thought it was about to change, but nah still stuck at the job, that I don't quite love, not so much because of the work in itself, but because of the people I work with. It saddens me to actually be part of the decaying of humanity. Oh well! It pays:S
I guess that is the reason why I am feeling blue, very, very blue.
It's hard to work with unprofessional people.
I'm tired.
:)
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Gone Quiet
I haven't posted anything on my blog for over a month and that's sad:(
I seriously had thought about taking it off line, but I have a really sweet boyfriend that even though he can't read what I write at all, said I shouldn't stop doing it if it makes me happy. It does! I just don't have time to focus on it and my life has been so crazy with work I rarely have anything to say besides work stuff and believe me, you do not want to hear about my work stories.
So you have a little glimpse of what I have been up to: My house is now looking more like MY house, I decided I wanted my books in the living room and that was a good idea because it made my living room look like someone actually lives there, I do need to elaborate on my book compilation though:P
Work..well work is work, some days are great, others I cry or get yelled at and then cry, but overall it's alright. I try not to think to much about it. I really hate my boss, he disgusts me to the innermost of my being, he is a despicable human being, he makes my skin crawl and though I do not wish for his sudden death, if by any chance something bad happens to him I will not feel sorry for him.
I miss Africa, but that is of common knowledge. My getaway are my beautiful pictures. At least when I am really frustrated I can always look at pictures and remember all my fun times.
Summer seem like it is going away which really makes me happy, because with the going to Africa and coming back in April I've had like 5 months of heat and I am tired of it.
Time flies!
This year to my sadness I won't be teaching at all. One of the reasons is, rules changed so I am not allowed and Second of all because of my lovely work. If there is a day I do leave at 6pm I wonder who died or what is about to happen, so yeah no teaching for me this year.
For those of you who read my last post, well it lasted 3 days. No complaining for 3 days and that was that, on the third day I got mad at something and my goodness went out of the window and I yelled and cried and complained and felt a lot better.
I am still trying to go to college and do my degree online, because that is really my only option at the moment, but it is all too expensive and bureaucracy kills me. Let's see how far and wide will they stretch my patience this time.
I guess you are preety into whats going on right now, there is not much more going on.
The high point of my week is that I am getting a new tattoo, some cherry blossoms to cover up an old scar on my wrist and my low point is all the laundry I have to do.
This has got to be the most boring post ever, but I am loving it, because I am writing as things are coming into mind and it is most likely that this will be all very confusing or bundled up, but oh well.
I have taken up writing journals again and that's the kind of journal writer I am.
I feel that up till December it will be a time of change and new beginnings and it is From now on till December I feel it will be a time of change and New Beginnings(am I ever gonna move on from that phrase)which makes my life a little scary and a little daring, so hopefully my posts will be a lot more interesting than they are right now.
We will see. I will try to write a lot more often, even if it's some kind of boring thing:P
Adiu
I seriously had thought about taking it off line, but I have a really sweet boyfriend that even though he can't read what I write at all, said I shouldn't stop doing it if it makes me happy. It does! I just don't have time to focus on it and my life has been so crazy with work I rarely have anything to say besides work stuff and believe me, you do not want to hear about my work stories.
So you have a little glimpse of what I have been up to: My house is now looking more like MY house, I decided I wanted my books in the living room and that was a good idea because it made my living room look like someone actually lives there, I do need to elaborate on my book compilation though:P
Work..well work is work, some days are great, others I cry or get yelled at and then cry, but overall it's alright. I try not to think to much about it. I really hate my boss, he disgusts me to the innermost of my being, he is a despicable human being, he makes my skin crawl and though I do not wish for his sudden death, if by any chance something bad happens to him I will not feel sorry for him.
I miss Africa, but that is of common knowledge. My getaway are my beautiful pictures. At least when I am really frustrated I can always look at pictures and remember all my fun times.
Summer seem like it is going away which really makes me happy, because with the going to Africa and coming back in April I've had like 5 months of heat and I am tired of it.
Time flies!
This year to my sadness I won't be teaching at all. One of the reasons is, rules changed so I am not allowed and Second of all because of my lovely work. If there is a day I do leave at 6pm I wonder who died or what is about to happen, so yeah no teaching for me this year.
For those of you who read my last post, well it lasted 3 days. No complaining for 3 days and that was that, on the third day I got mad at something and my goodness went out of the window and I yelled and cried and complained and felt a lot better.
I am still trying to go to college and do my degree online, because that is really my only option at the moment, but it is all too expensive and bureaucracy kills me. Let's see how far and wide will they stretch my patience this time.
I guess you are preety into whats going on right now, there is not much more going on.
The high point of my week is that I am getting a new tattoo, some cherry blossoms to cover up an old scar on my wrist and my low point is all the laundry I have to do.
This has got to be the most boring post ever, but I am loving it, because I am writing as things are coming into mind and it is most likely that this will be all very confusing or bundled up, but oh well.
I have taken up writing journals again and that's the kind of journal writer I am.
I feel that up till December it will be a time of change and new beginnings and it is From now on till December I feel it will be a time of change and New Beginnings(am I ever gonna move on from that phrase)which makes my life a little scary and a little daring, so hopefully my posts will be a lot more interesting than they are right now.
We will see. I will try to write a lot more often, even if it's some kind of boring thing:P
Adiu
Monday, August 3, 2009
A Week's Resolution:)
After a very interesting weekend I have come to a conclusion about me.
I am ALWAYS,but I mean ALWAYS , complaining about something. Either it's work that is annoying me, or other people, or myself, even just little things like if I don't get to buy those pants I really wanted because I do not have the money. I do not even bother to look upon the bright side of the situation, I just complain.
After this little, actually BIG defect of my personality being point out in more than one situation, byt a million different people I decided to act upon it.
It is not like I don't know it's there, because I do. It is more like, before I know it it's out and there is nothing I can do about it.
What triggered my whole thought process was when I went shopping with my friend and her 5 year old sister. Sarah is just the most amazing 5 year old girl I have met. She is really girly and sweet(when she wants to be), at first shy, but when she really gets to know you she is one chatterbox, and I love her. So we all went shopping together and none of us really has much money to spend. We love this time of the year because everything is on sale, and so we spent a lovely night at the mall laughing and trying on clothes. Sarah was really patient with us helping us pick out stuff to try on, making funny faces at some things she saw, a miniature Cathy(her sister). After we got really tired of looking at our clothes we took her to look at her section, she was thrilled and you could see how excited she was. By then I was having a hard time trying to decide what was it that I was going to take, because I knew there was no possible way that I could afford to take all I wanted.
My attitude was not the best I must say. I was plainly complaining under my breath. Sarah's eye caught the glimpse of this little pink jacket and she fell in love with it, she had this other stripes top in her hands and just like every child she ran to her sister asking her if she would buy it for her.
Cathy looked at her, in a big sisterly manner and told her she could take one, but only one, and so she had to choose between the two. Now must I remind you all she is five, only five years old. She stood silently looking at the two items for some time holding them in front of her. After maybe 5 minutes she hang the top ran over with the jacket in her hand yelling to her sister, "I want this one, I pick this one!!!!!".
I was a few meters back and had watched the whole scene and when I saw that little girl running to her sister telling her she had decided on that one my heart went cold, my guilt was immense and I even wanted to cry a little out of sadness and embarrassment. Sadness because I think that had go to be a hard decision for a five year old girl, and I think that being five and so completely aware of the world and the problems around you is tough, and embarrassed because I am 22 years old and I was having a bad, bad ,bad attitude about the whole thing.
That got my thought process going for a whole night, but by next morning I did not remember it too clearly because I was still complaining, until a friend pointed that out, which stopped me o my tracks and brought back the previous memories.
I have a hard time with the complaining, I always did, as far and wide as I can remember, I have been a complainer about some things. I remember my math teacher telling me that if I complained less and focused more I would finish my homework a lot quicker and would save him a lot of headache(I never really liked him very much anyway:P).
This week is my "I WILL BE SO CHEERFUL AND HAPPY IT WILL MAKE YOU SICK WEEK!!!!!!".
I do not by one minute mean that in a depreciating manner, I really mean it like I want it. I want to be really cheerful... So I have promised myself to not complain and actually keep a tab of the complaining, that will need a lot of work, and to work on my cheerfulness. I guess if I five year old can do it, so can I!
I will let you know how that worked out for me, because I really, really, REAAAALLLYYYY don't feel cheerful sometimes, or most times.
I love a good challenge:) and this one is a big one.
I am ALWAYS,but I mean ALWAYS , complaining about something. Either it's work that is annoying me, or other people, or myself, even just little things like if I don't get to buy those pants I really wanted because I do not have the money. I do not even bother to look upon the bright side of the situation, I just complain.
After this little, actually BIG defect of my personality being point out in more than one situation, byt a million different people I decided to act upon it.
It is not like I don't know it's there, because I do. It is more like, before I know it it's out and there is nothing I can do about it.
What triggered my whole thought process was when I went shopping with my friend and her 5 year old sister. Sarah is just the most amazing 5 year old girl I have met. She is really girly and sweet(when she wants to be), at first shy, but when she really gets to know you she is one chatterbox, and I love her. So we all went shopping together and none of us really has much money to spend. We love this time of the year because everything is on sale, and so we spent a lovely night at the mall laughing and trying on clothes. Sarah was really patient with us helping us pick out stuff to try on, making funny faces at some things she saw, a miniature Cathy(her sister). After we got really tired of looking at our clothes we took her to look at her section, she was thrilled and you could see how excited she was. By then I was having a hard time trying to decide what was it that I was going to take, because I knew there was no possible way that I could afford to take all I wanted.
My attitude was not the best I must say. I was plainly complaining under my breath. Sarah's eye caught the glimpse of this little pink jacket and she fell in love with it, she had this other stripes top in her hands and just like every child she ran to her sister asking her if she would buy it for her.
Cathy looked at her, in a big sisterly manner and told her she could take one, but only one, and so she had to choose between the two. Now must I remind you all she is five, only five years old. She stood silently looking at the two items for some time holding them in front of her. After maybe 5 minutes she hang the top ran over with the jacket in her hand yelling to her sister, "I want this one, I pick this one!!!!!".
I was a few meters back and had watched the whole scene and when I saw that little girl running to her sister telling her she had decided on that one my heart went cold, my guilt was immense and I even wanted to cry a little out of sadness and embarrassment. Sadness because I think that had go to be a hard decision for a five year old girl, and I think that being five and so completely aware of the world and the problems around you is tough, and embarrassed because I am 22 years old and I was having a bad, bad ,bad attitude about the whole thing.
That got my thought process going for a whole night, but by next morning I did not remember it too clearly because I was still complaining, until a friend pointed that out, which stopped me o my tracks and brought back the previous memories.
I have a hard time with the complaining, I always did, as far and wide as I can remember, I have been a complainer about some things. I remember my math teacher telling me that if I complained less and focused more I would finish my homework a lot quicker and would save him a lot of headache(I never really liked him very much anyway:P).
This week is my "I WILL BE SO CHEERFUL AND HAPPY IT WILL MAKE YOU SICK WEEK!!!!!!".
I do not by one minute mean that in a depreciating manner, I really mean it like I want it. I want to be really cheerful... So I have promised myself to not complain and actually keep a tab of the complaining, that will need a lot of work, and to work on my cheerfulness. I guess if I five year old can do it, so can I!
I will let you know how that worked out for me, because I really, really, REAAAALLLYYYY don't feel cheerful sometimes, or most times.
I love a good challenge:) and this one is a big one.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Life is just that... LIFE!
Long time and not one clarifying post about where I am right now.
Things these past few days have been crazy, sad, fun, and frustrating...Oh the paradox!!!
Things at work have been a little better, no one has yelled at me, I have managed to leave on time and all the little problems have been easily solved.
Now being me if one part is working some other part crumbles, so these past few days the work has been fine, but the personal life has crumbled.
Little piece on unasked advice, jealousy can rotten the most amazing relationship!
I am big on the crying scene if you know me. I hate the fighting, I hate the arguing I just cry and cry and that is exactly what I have been doing...CRY!
But, like C.S.Lewis wrote after all the crying there is this sudden peace as if nothing will ever happen again. I am the living proof of this quote.
From where I sit at work I look out this huge window. I can see outside, but the people outside can't see me, just their reflection. Every morning as I sit doing my work I see this elderly couple coming out of their house. She always wears a dress and a white hat, he always wears a cap and gray pants. You can see she has some difficulty walking, and he really is in no better shape than she is, but he still holds her arm and helps her. They walk around the block for a while go into the coffee shop and then return home. Sometimes if the day is quite warm as I am leaving work to go home I see them do the same thing. They have been my joy and hope, because every single day he is holding her hand and they walk around the block and they give a very unbelieving Tehur some hope that one day I will be the elderly lady leaning on my husband walking around the block.
Now you might be asking yourself what does that have to do with anything????
Well if I had thought about that image a few days ago I wouldn't have sent a very angry message, which would have saved me from a lot of hurt and crying.
If I had thought about my favorite elderly couple, patience would have come to mind. If I had remembered them, kindness would have settled in instead of anger, and love would have prevailed instead of lack of trust, but most important if i had remembered my elderly couple I would have had that image of leaning, would have thought about how much it takes to reach that point and instead of yelling I would have kissed and made up and patched the whole situation.
I'm the feisty kind though, and things didn't happen that way and if I were to be asked how much do I regret it, much, a whole lot, I do. I do because I knew better. I know it is not only my fault, it is a 2 way road, I should just have listened to the little voice telling me to love instead of wanting to hurt back.
Now I am stuck in that really nasty place where I do not know what to do. Apologizing would be the beginning, but I really do not know how to do that. I have my doubts an apology would even fix the whole thing. Promises are a dangerous ground to tread, they are never forgotten and if you ever break one it be a terrible place to be also.
So all I am armed with is love, just love and I do not even know the amount of power of love or what the heck am I supposed to do with it.
I know I must trust more, listen more, yell less and talk less, definitely talk less and Stop thinking I am the only one having a hard day around here. I am such a chatter box of complaint sometimes. I try real hard to be better at it but sometimes I just let it have the best of me.
Now what then???? I wait, wait and hope and pray my phone will ring, because I don't want to make things worse.
I look out at my elderly couple and imagine how was it 50 years back? Did they fight half at what I do? Was she a chatterbox like me? Was he jealous of her? Did she cry as much as me when he was mad at her?
I make up their youth conversations, the sweet words told, the pretty lines written on beautiful letters, the dreams shared of many years together the endless loving and caring for one another and all I can do is hope one day I will be the old lady with the hat with the flower patterned dress leaning on my once handsome husband talking about when we were young.
I gotta go work now,before I am caught writing here and then I will have to think about ugly things instead of lovee dovee stories up in me head.
Will post soon.
Tei
Things these past few days have been crazy, sad, fun, and frustrating...Oh the paradox!!!
Things at work have been a little better, no one has yelled at me, I have managed to leave on time and all the little problems have been easily solved.
Now being me if one part is working some other part crumbles, so these past few days the work has been fine, but the personal life has crumbled.
Little piece on unasked advice, jealousy can rotten the most amazing relationship!
I am big on the crying scene if you know me. I hate the fighting, I hate the arguing I just cry and cry and that is exactly what I have been doing...CRY!
But, like C.S.Lewis wrote after all the crying there is this sudden peace as if nothing will ever happen again. I am the living proof of this quote.
From where I sit at work I look out this huge window. I can see outside, but the people outside can't see me, just their reflection. Every morning as I sit doing my work I see this elderly couple coming out of their house. She always wears a dress and a white hat, he always wears a cap and gray pants. You can see she has some difficulty walking, and he really is in no better shape than she is, but he still holds her arm and helps her. They walk around the block for a while go into the coffee shop and then return home. Sometimes if the day is quite warm as I am leaving work to go home I see them do the same thing. They have been my joy and hope, because every single day he is holding her hand and they walk around the block and they give a very unbelieving Tehur some hope that one day I will be the elderly lady leaning on my husband walking around the block.
Now you might be asking yourself what does that have to do with anything????
Well if I had thought about that image a few days ago I wouldn't have sent a very angry message, which would have saved me from a lot of hurt and crying.
If I had thought about my favorite elderly couple, patience would have come to mind. If I had remembered them, kindness would have settled in instead of anger, and love would have prevailed instead of lack of trust, but most important if i had remembered my elderly couple I would have had that image of leaning, would have thought about how much it takes to reach that point and instead of yelling I would have kissed and made up and patched the whole situation.
I'm the feisty kind though, and things didn't happen that way and if I were to be asked how much do I regret it, much, a whole lot, I do. I do because I knew better. I know it is not only my fault, it is a 2 way road, I should just have listened to the little voice telling me to love instead of wanting to hurt back.
Now I am stuck in that really nasty place where I do not know what to do. Apologizing would be the beginning, but I really do not know how to do that. I have my doubts an apology would even fix the whole thing. Promises are a dangerous ground to tread, they are never forgotten and if you ever break one it be a terrible place to be also.
So all I am armed with is love, just love and I do not even know the amount of power of love or what the heck am I supposed to do with it.
I know I must trust more, listen more, yell less and talk less, definitely talk less and Stop thinking I am the only one having a hard day around here. I am such a chatter box of complaint sometimes. I try real hard to be better at it but sometimes I just let it have the best of me.
Now what then???? I wait, wait and hope and pray my phone will ring, because I don't want to make things worse.
I look out at my elderly couple and imagine how was it 50 years back? Did they fight half at what I do? Was she a chatterbox like me? Was he jealous of her? Did she cry as much as me when he was mad at her?
I make up their youth conversations, the sweet words told, the pretty lines written on beautiful letters, the dreams shared of many years together the endless loving and caring for one another and all I can do is hope one day I will be the old lady with the hat with the flower patterned dress leaning on my once handsome husband talking about when we were young.
I gotta go work now,before I am caught writing here and then I will have to think about ugly things instead of lovee dovee stories up in me head.
Will post soon.
Tei
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Love
Sometimes I think relationships are crap!!!!
They involve a superhuman amount of hard work, dedication, patience, and love, loads of it.
To be honest I have no idea about what one is supposed to do to make a relationship work?
How do you make it work when you feel like you just want to yell, and hit and throw sharp stuff at the other person?
How can you fix what is wrong when one does not speak, does not share what is going on in their heart.
How can you make it work when you are oversensitive and every single word feels like a knife?
But most of all how can you make it work when you are so scared of letting go and trusting it will be ok this time?
I dunno! I am not a master in this specific area.
But I would really like to know!
They involve a superhuman amount of hard work, dedication, patience, and love, loads of it.
To be honest I have no idea about what one is supposed to do to make a relationship work?
How do you make it work when you feel like you just want to yell, and hit and throw sharp stuff at the other person?
How can you fix what is wrong when one does not speak, does not share what is going on in their heart.
How can you make it work when you are oversensitive and every single word feels like a knife?
But most of all how can you make it work when you are so scared of letting go and trusting it will be ok this time?
I dunno! I am not a master in this specific area.
But I would really like to know!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Study for Nothing!!!
As it turns out I might not be able to do my Biology exam tomorrow, not just because I have not studied enough, or near enough, but because I won't be able to take the day off. I missed a couple of days at work because of some stuff and now it is pure chaos. So I am not too happy!
I am not too joyful this day and I am pretty sure I have waited long enough to be able to do this and once again I won't.
Good thing...I have a whole year to prepare.Bad thing, it is making me terribly unhappy!
That is life for you in a Jiffy!!!!
bye
Tei
I am not too joyful this day and I am pretty sure I have waited long enough to be able to do this and once again I won't.
Good thing...I have a whole year to prepare.Bad thing, it is making me terribly unhappy!
That is life for you in a Jiffy!!!!
bye
Tei
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