I held a Baby

I held a baby the other day at my friend's birthday party and I made sense...
There is something magical about babies, their tiny hands ad feet, their perfect little fingers, how they hold on tight to our fingers even though they are so small.
I can never stop being amazed at babies capability of making people feel. No matter how cold hearted you are when you hold a baby it melts, you melt and it is the strangest feeling.
I didn't want to go to that party, I was tired and I had had a hard day, plus for some reason going to that party made me feel overwhelmed. I don't really enjoy being places where I don't know everybody, or in social gatherings where I have to pretend I like people with whom I really have no connection with, but there are times in life where you have to suck it up so others may have a happy day. So I sucked it up:D
When I got there I got to hold my friend's baby girl. She is beautiful, looks like a catalog baby and she loved me. She cried a little at first because she wanted me to walk around(just because they can't speak does not mean they cannot communicate:P)
I walked around and cradled her in my arms and watched her slowly falling asleep in my arms, I sang to her and whispered poems to her and nursery rhymes. I felt so peaceful and like I could do that forever.
Now that is a new feeling. There was a time in my life when I wanted children, loads of children around me yelling my name, asking me to tell stories and kiss boo boos, but as it came it was gone.
I started working and I guess work filled in that place where those feelings were.
I guess it had to do with fear, I saw all my friends having babies and I saw what it did to some of them and I started wondering if that's what I wanted for my life.
I also secretly wondered if I was ever going to be a good mom. Human beings are bound to make mistakes and hurt those they love and I wasn't ready to make mistakes.
I saw too many of those growing up and I came to the conclusion there are three types of women: women who were born to be a mother, women who were born to have a career not children, and women who were born to be single mom's(I know the latter will bring out a lot of contradicting opinions, but I firmly believe some women would just do a better job at parenting ALONE.
I came to believe I fitted the 2 option best of all, I believed in career, and you can't be good at both like some women say that they can have their career and be a good mother, that's lie...you can't serve two masters, there are sacrifices you have to make and things you will need to give up if you want to be a good mother. I guess I was being selfish because I chose, I chose being good at what I do whatever that was, but no matter how high I get off of work I never got that feeling I got when I held my friend's baby...like everything made sense and how by holding that tiny life in my hands, the world was a better place. Because it is a tiny life who will need love and guidance and discipline. A little person who will grow up to be a lot like me while being different. Who will go to school and come home to ME. With lovely stories, and sometimes tears and frustration, a little person who will come to me for assurance, refuge, security. Who will love ME, because I WILL be their mother.
I will be someone's mother and that is the scariest thought I have ever had in my life, because there is no way to know if I will be good at it. I have no idea if just by having THAT feeling I will be a good mother. Will I disappoint my children like I sometimes was disappointed with my parents???? Will I be able to assure them so they can build their own little identities without overwhelming them with my ideas and rules???? Will I be able to protect them from pain as long as I possibly can???? How does one know one is ready to be a mother????
How will I know I am ready????
I am an over analyzer I always was, and I don't like not having all the answers and I know there is a God in this big picture of mine who will always be there watching over my babies when I can't, but I will be someone's mother and I want to be good at it. The thing with being a mother is there are no books where you can study from, no recurrent facts to support any particular parenting skill, there are no standard ways to how to be a good mother, so I can analyze all I want, question all I want I will be stuck in an adventure and after they are out here those little adventures cannot be returned to sender. I can focus on my work all I want it will never give me that feeling, it will never bring out in me the amount of love I have to give a child, my child.
All I knew while I held that tiny baby in my arms is that I want that, I want to know there is someone out there I love unconditionally who unconditionally loves me back because I am their mother and my friends you only have ONE mother, there is no substitute for being SOMEONE'S mother, believe me, that is something I know only to well...
I will be someone's mother one day:)

Lately

Lately inspiration has left me,
Lately life has been crazy and overwhelming,
Lately people I love have come and have left.
Lately work has been interesting and I have learned so much,
Lately I have met really interesting people and made very good new friends,
Lately I have laughed and cried more often that I'd like,
Lately I have heard some really good singers perform,
Lately I have thought more and more about the past and how I cannot make any sense out of it,
Lately I have realized I changed so much in only one year,
Lately I have understood the meaning of family, support, commitment, etc,
Lately I have stopped and listened instead of yelling,
Lately I have cared less about what other people think,
Lately I have been selfish,
Lately I have made amendments in past relationships that need mending before they can be perfect,
Lately I have whispered to God my little secrets,
Lately I ave taken the time to breathe,
Lately I have redecorated my soul:D
Lately, just lately have I been me, in a very long time, and how good is that:)

Love me

Brown Thrush singing all day long
In the leaves above me,
Take my love this little song,
"Love me, love me, love me!"

When he harkens what you say,
Bid him, lest he miss me,
Leave his work or leave his play,
And kiss me, kiss me, kiss me!

Sara Teasdale

Moments

I don´t usually like writing about family.
For all these years I haven´t really have been given any thought about it.
My family after my mom passed away sort of got scattered around 3 different continents and I just had to deal with that fact and suck it up.
I guess I could say I chose my family the second time around, God is kind that way, he allowed me to hand pick the family I wish I could have and actually get to enjoy being part of it.
I felt secure and loved by the Fernandes family like I had never had felt in my own family. Again, I never even thought too much about it.
Today my "sister" turned 19 and as I was sitting there with the whole family, being part of their lives, their laughs, their happiness and joy I felt truly blessed.
All I wanted to do was hug them and never let go.
I had built this cover that I needed no family to be happy, I had good friends and that should be enough, because people have a way of failing you somehow, but as I was there I could only think about the many times I had failed them this past 5 years and not once they gave up on me.
Most people could and would have done it, but they never did.
My sister has heard me cry and laugh many times and not once she turned me down or didn´t have a kind word to say to me, even if she had to tell me how wrong I was before.
My younger sister brightens my day, she makes me laugh all the time and is really good at keeping secrets. She in some ways reminds me of myself.
My "mom" is the one I run to for advice and for assurance of who I am in God when I have lost sight of it in the mist of my overwhelming feelings. She believes in me, when I don´t.
And my "dad", oh I love my dad. We don´t get to sit and talk as much as I would love to, but I don´t think we really need that. He looks at me and that look speaks more than a thousand conversations. He keeps me on track, and I am not quite sure he is even aware of it.
I can assure that I have been on the right path because of him these years.
Respect is the foundation, so words are really not necessary.
They are not the only ones though, the Catarino and the Fernandes family are a big, big family and I love them all dearly, they all have influenced me and impacted my life in such a way, it is hard to describe in words.
I wish I could only express it in a way that people could understand.
The best thing I can say is that if God would let you chose the family you were born into, I would choose them, without a doubt
I am the adopted daughter, sister, grandaughter, cousin, niece and I adore it.
A I was looking at my sister today on her birthday, seeing her smile and laugh I felt so lucky and so blessed to be able to part of that.
I was part of something bigger than myself, part of a family, part of love.
My dear sisters are both leaving this year, one to college, the other for an exchange year in the States. We grew up together and it feels weird that I won´t have them around.
For a little bit I freaked out, I felt like I was "losing" something.
But you can´t lose family, family is forever, family never ever lets go, family sticks together, supports each other, family, family, family. That word just feels good.

God is kind that way...I see God every single time look at my "family" and isn´t that just awesome?

Hi

I was listening to this song and warm thoughts of love and sadness, hurt and happiness, quiet times and laughter came to mind.
The song is by drive and lucia moniz and I always loved it for many, many reasons.
I won´t give up on you:)

"Lúcia Moniz A Wish (keep Fighting) lyrics"


(Drive)
Please don't be scared
I won't dissapoint you
Just look at my face
I shouldn't love you anyway

I wanna try it
I think I'm already trying
I'm already trying

Because I believe it
Yes I believe it
And I am trying...

(Lúcia Moniz)
Please keep fighting
Keep fighting...
Together we can build something beautiful
Please keep fighting
Together we'll build love...

(Drive)
I can't live without you
Could I ever learn how to live wiht you?

(Drive e Lúcia Moniz)
Cause I believe it
Yes I believe it
And I am trying...

Please keep fighting
Keep fighting
Together we can build something beautiful
Please keep fighting
Together we'll build love...

Please keep fighting
Keep fighting
Together we can build something beautiful
Please keep fighting
Keep fighting...

(Drive e Lúcia Moniz)
I wont give up on you...

Please keep fighting
Together we'll build love...

Don't you give up now on me
I won't give up on you...

Guess who´s back, back again...

Hello 1 or 2 people who read my blog, I am back:)
I am actually siting in my living room in my home writing this.
After fighting against it since I first moved here I decided it would be smart to get the internet, the phone and cable at my house if I wanted to continue to have family.
So I will have to get back in my writing mode, 8 months at a store in the mall kinda made stupid, my brain feels numb.
Much has changed, but life has been kind to me lately. I have a good job at a clinic, being a dentist´s assistant, I wish I could say I am loving it, but most times I just get frustrated because I haven´t nailed it yet. Soon I will just love it all the time.
I applied for Nursing School, getting back in the study mode was even harder than the dentist thing. My exam wasn´t great but I can go on the second phase of the Portuguese National Exams. It´s nerve wrecking, but I have to if I ever want to do something I love.
Te biggest change in my life was that, I gt a dog! Her name is Rilla and she has become my greatest love of all It is just like having a child and sometimes I really just want to throw her out of the window, but she makes me laugh and she is a very good company.
I think it made me even more responsible to have her. I care for her and I have someone who needs me and loves me uncondicionally, which is more than some people can say.
I got more than I bargained for and I wouldn´t give her up ever.
I think I love my dog better than some people in my life ad I am not ashamed to say it.
Love
Me

I love the wonders of technology:) I always loved my phone,it's always on,under my pillow,everywhere and when I leave it behind forgotten which is rarely I hiperventilate. I had never thought about the possibility of having the internet on it I usually use it for smsing and talkin on it for hours,but my boredom yesterday was great and I found out I had the internet and it was for free. Love it! So here I am exploring my new possibilites and for all I do this is quite enough. My poor little blog that has been quiet for quite sometime will soon be pumping again. Hooray! Starting tomorrow! Hope it will work it'S charm again on me, I sure need:)*