I held a Baby

I held a baby the other day at my friend's birthday party and I made sense...
There is something magical about babies, their tiny hands ad feet, their perfect little fingers, how they hold on tight to our fingers even though they are so small.
I can never stop being amazed at babies capability of making people feel. No matter how cold hearted you are when you hold a baby it melts, you melt and it is the strangest feeling.
I didn't want to go to that party, I was tired and I had had a hard day, plus for some reason going to that party made me feel overwhelmed. I don't really enjoy being places where I don't know everybody, or in social gatherings where I have to pretend I like people with whom I really have no connection with, but there are times in life where you have to suck it up so others may have a happy day. So I sucked it up:D
When I got there I got to hold my friend's baby girl. She is beautiful, looks like a catalog baby and she loved me. She cried a little at first because she wanted me to walk around(just because they can't speak does not mean they cannot communicate:P)
I walked around and cradled her in my arms and watched her slowly falling asleep in my arms, I sang to her and whispered poems to her and nursery rhymes. I felt so peaceful and like I could do that forever.
Now that is a new feeling. There was a time in my life when I wanted children, loads of children around me yelling my name, asking me to tell stories and kiss boo boos, but as it came it was gone.
I started working and I guess work filled in that place where those feelings were.
I guess it had to do with fear, I saw all my friends having babies and I saw what it did to some of them and I started wondering if that's what I wanted for my life.
I also secretly wondered if I was ever going to be a good mom. Human beings are bound to make mistakes and hurt those they love and I wasn't ready to make mistakes.
I saw too many of those growing up and I came to the conclusion there are three types of women: women who were born to be a mother, women who were born to have a career not children, and women who were born to be single mom's(I know the latter will bring out a lot of contradicting opinions, but I firmly believe some women would just do a better job at parenting ALONE.
I came to believe I fitted the 2 option best of all, I believed in career, and you can't be good at both like some women say that they can have their career and be a good mother, that's lie...you can't serve two masters, there are sacrifices you have to make and things you will need to give up if you want to be a good mother. I guess I was being selfish because I chose, I chose being good at what I do whatever that was, but no matter how high I get off of work I never got that feeling I got when I held my friend's baby...like everything made sense and how by holding that tiny life in my hands, the world was a better place. Because it is a tiny life who will need love and guidance and discipline. A little person who will grow up to be a lot like me while being different. Who will go to school and come home to ME. With lovely stories, and sometimes tears and frustration, a little person who will come to me for assurance, refuge, security. Who will love ME, because I WILL be their mother.
I will be someone's mother and that is the scariest thought I have ever had in my life, because there is no way to know if I will be good at it. I have no idea if just by having THAT feeling I will be a good mother. Will I disappoint my children like I sometimes was disappointed with my parents???? Will I be able to assure them so they can build their own little identities without overwhelming them with my ideas and rules???? Will I be able to protect them from pain as long as I possibly can???? How does one know one is ready to be a mother????
How will I know I am ready????
I am an over analyzer I always was, and I don't like not having all the answers and I know there is a God in this big picture of mine who will always be there watching over my babies when I can't, but I will be someone's mother and I want to be good at it. The thing with being a mother is there are no books where you can study from, no recurrent facts to support any particular parenting skill, there are no standard ways to how to be a good mother, so I can analyze all I want, question all I want I will be stuck in an adventure and after they are out here those little adventures cannot be returned to sender. I can focus on my work all I want it will never give me that feeling, it will never bring out in me the amount of love I have to give a child, my child.
All I knew while I held that tiny baby in my arms is that I want that, I want to know there is someone out there I love unconditionally who unconditionally loves me back because I am their mother and my friends you only have ONE mother, there is no substitute for being SOMEONE'S mother, believe me, that is something I know only to well...
I will be someone's mother one day:)

Lately

Lately inspiration has left me,
Lately life has been crazy and overwhelming,
Lately people I love have come and have left.
Lately work has been interesting and I have learned so much,
Lately I have met really interesting people and made very good new friends,
Lately I have laughed and cried more often that I'd like,
Lately I have heard some really good singers perform,
Lately I have thought more and more about the past and how I cannot make any sense out of it,
Lately I have realized I changed so much in only one year,
Lately I have understood the meaning of family, support, commitment, etc,
Lately I have stopped and listened instead of yelling,
Lately I have cared less about what other people think,
Lately I have been selfish,
Lately I have made amendments in past relationships that need mending before they can be perfect,
Lately I have whispered to God my little secrets,
Lately I ave taken the time to breathe,
Lately I have redecorated my soul:D
Lately, just lately have I been me, in a very long time, and how good is that:)