The Power of I Love You

I have been thinking about this for the past few weeks. About our inability as human beings to tell the people we love that we do love them. It shouldn’t be hard at all, after all they are the people we love and cherish and care to be around. We don’t realize the consequences in the long run of expecting that those we love KNOW that we love them. It took me a long time to be able to express my feelings, living your life with your heart on your sleeve is a dangerous thing. It can be awesome or it can be the most mortifying experience in the world. That fear of not being accepted, loved back, cared for can really make one be careful with sharing what goes on inside. But isn’t that being a little selfish? What about how others feel because of our fear of rejection? I remember being very small and desperately wanting that my dad would say he loved me, it took him 20 years to say it and now those 3 little words ,really are just 3 little words. At first I did everything you could possibly think of to hear them and then as time went by and we became more like strangers than father and daughter I just let them go. I still looked for that acceptance, that care, that love in other places, in other people, but they were merely substitutions of what I was really lacking as deep as my soul. As substitutions they never really quite filled that empty place, but they taught me other things, especially that I am worth it and that I deserve that kind of love. At first when I started learning about God and about all that God is, the fact that He is Love was what brought me closer to Him, at the same time I kept sending God the Father away in fear He too would reject me. I had found and earthly suited substitution and I must say I was always more afraid of losing that substitution than losing God the Father. I know how it sounds and I know the reaction it provokes, yet that was exactly how I felt, but as I was thinking about the power of I love you I realized there was something in common between that power, God the Love and God the Father. They all were entwined (like so many things), and they were there and i tis my job to go and let my own tiny soul be also a part of that. God is constantly telling His people they are loved, letting them know they are cared for, accepted. If I am able to accept God’s love, why can’t I accept that He is also my dad? I really can’t yet answer that question, but I can say that I want to be able to share my “I love you’s” in that same truthful, honest and selfless way. Words can be just words, or they can have the power to build up or tear down people and more times than others it is the words we don’t say that are really important. I know two things I want my words to always build up, my friends, my family, my husband and my children, especially my children so they never feel that emptiness, that inadequacy of not belonging, of not being worthy of their mother’s love. I don’t know how well I do all the time and I know I have a lot of learning to do still. But as I was thinking about this, this past two weeks , my heart was broken with all the sad stories I have heard about people who didn’t say their I love you’s and how they damaged the people who never heard them and the one who never said them and I related and I had this need of talking about this. This need of putting on paper what was wrong with my soul so now I can say that after this splashing of feelings on paper “ I tis well with my soul”.

Good-Byes

I am not dealing so well with saying good-bye!
My two sisters, one of them being my closest friend too, left. I had to give my dog, my sweet, sweet Rilla away and now I have to say good-bye to my grandmother...I am not doing so great.
I haven't seen real family in almost 6 years. I occasionally went to the U.S., but that was not working out for me so after a while I stopped going.
I do good all by myself, I have learned to cope and deal with things alone and most time I enjoy that solitude. In the midst of all that loneliness I find loveliness.
I came across this way of coping with this reality and it has worked for me.
I created a defense mechanism. I like defense mechanisms, I like the security they bring, I like how reliable they are...they are safe, I like safe.
So I became detached, not completely, but mostly. I don't give all, so I don't have to lose all.
I am not touchy, or kissy, lovey-dovey or over sentimental, I do have my moments like the rest of the world, but overall I am completely capable of controlling my emotions. To lose that is almost impossible, but following tightly the rule also make me lose on so much.
I have no idea of what it is to be completely spontaneous, or what it means to completely trust someone because I am pretty much incapable of doing that.
And most of the times I secretly enjoy when people say I am cold, and senseless and emotionless, that place is a safe place, it is an no hurt place.
The people that know me, know me well and those that don't,well it's for a reason.
Now nowhere in the book of "How to be an Ice Queen" does it teach you how to completely shut out who brought yo up, fed you, read you stories, put you to bed, cared for you when you were burning up with fever, gave you money when you couldn't afford something, bought you presents, but above all made who you are right now with a lot of love and patience.
I am who I am because besides having an awesome mom, I had a loving grandmother.
Saying good-bye to my sisters was hard, but it was also part of a cycle, a new beginning, something bigger and better, saying good-bye to my grandmother is the end, not the beginning and so it is a bittersweet feeling.
I love that she crossed a whole ocean just to come see me, but I hate that she is leaving again and that this is probably the last time I will see her and even more frustrated am I that I am incapable of showing of how much she really means to me through hugs and kisses like she'd like.
I am a doer and a fixer and that is how I like to show love, but my grandmother is from a different time, a time where people showed love by different ways, ways that I suck at it and she is not the first one to tell me so.
She is leaving tomorrow and I am choking up in my silent tears and in all my frustration of not being able to run and hug and kiss and sit on her lap and just let her love me, because that is just going to make the good-bye even worse and much more painful to me. So I am being selfish and keeping my distance, but I am also living in anticipated regret that I might never get to sit on my grandma's lap ever again. It feels like a huge big fight with myself 24/7.
I bought her a present and even I know that isn't enough, but I just can't afford going through all those feelings of abandonment, and loneliness and sadness.
That's how I know how to love and I like it that way.
Part of me wishes...Well part of me just wishes a lot of things that are not possible.
And that's just what life is...finding some solace in the impossible.


Me

Tequila shots, Adventure and a Car

I had a crappy day yesterday, a really crappy day and all I really wanted was tequila shots and Sofia's company(sofia is my ex-blond, now kinda brunette, knows one too many secrets about me friend) and the best company ever for tequila shots because she doesn't drink.
She was also having a rough day, we have been having a rough week just for different reasons, her main reason was that she could not for the love of herself find a car, a cheap car to buy and her vacation was passing by and time was not on her side.
Yesterday I decided to help so while she searched online and gave me phone numbers and info, I called, amen to conference calls and free hands kit,I searched and called and finally came upon an unrefusable offer.
A little black car that kinda looked like a lady bug for only a few hundred dollars more than her budget, but the ad said those few hundred dollars more would be negotiable.
When you look at an ad to buy a car you already assume whoever posted that ad already overpriced the stupid thing because of course people will try to negotiate, we live in a world which is on a crisis the cheaper you can get something the better. When I called again I asked if the price was negotiable and the lady said yes, so far so good, we arranged a meeting and off Sofia went in ecstatic happiness to see this little car that could end her bitter days of bus riding.
She loved the car! I received a call later saying the deal was made and that she was going to get the car the next day. We wanted to celebrate, I wanted to celebrate, well I just needed an excuse to go out for tequila shots and that was a very good one.
It turns out now days spoken agreements do not have the power they used to have back in the day, if I recall correctly back in the day you could get killed if you broke a verbal agreement, because 45 min later the ladie's husband called saying he was not going to sell the car for the price Sofia had agreed with his wife because he had someone else interested who was stupid and wanted to pay full price. If you asked me that's bullshit, but hey there was really nothing she could do she liked the car so she agreed to pay full price, she was upset, we were all upset, we all wanted a piece of that man.
No one likes to be made a fool of. We went to Cascais anyway for our tequila shots, that never happened because Sofia's mom called saying the whole situation was bothering her and she was coming to meet us so we could discuss it and find a solution.
So instead of tequila shots we sat at the mall at 10pm at night looking at car ads in the newspaper. That alone was a sight to be seen. We finally found a car that Sofia liked by 11pm and we called, the thing is she had to make a decision right then because today was the day she had to give answers, but we also needed to see the car from the newspaper, and the car was in Lisbon in a place no one knew how to get to, I knew where it was, just not exactely how to get there, but we managed between ex-boyfriends who are kind enough to pick up the phone at odd hours to give directions, and not so secret admireres who live in Lisbon an are just too eager to help, and actual friends, we got there, and there my friends was the Guetto!!!!!!!!!
I think our friend who was driving wanted to kill us, literally kill us, besides yelling all the different directions, telling him to turn right on top of the exits, we also took him to the guetto to see a car at midnight, oh we are good, we are awesome, we got lost, in the guetto:D
We had no idea where we were neither had the car guy any idea where we were, we just kept missing eachother, after almost 45 min he finally found us and the car was beautiful.
The car was even better than the other one Sofia had seen and he dropped a hundred dollars from the price and the guy seemed honest, and let me say he was also very patient, and Sofia loved the car, she loved it. Sofia is not really the kind of person who gives happiness away, her happiness is saved for really special moments and by her face this was her moment, after so many months of waiting and saving up money and working odd hours, and taking up with all kinds of crap from the boss and other stupid people she finally had got her pay, a nice beautiful shiny car:D
We were in a guetto in the middle of nowhere in Lisbon, Sofia, me, Sofia's mom, the friend and little Sara(Sofia's sister) at 12am with a stranger (that for all we knew could be a crazy killer waiting to slash us open and sell our organs in the black market)staring at a car happier than we can ever describe...tell me that does not beat tequila shots?????
I think it does. There is nothing better than seeing a friend whom you know sacrificed for something getting that sacrifice repaid.
My crappy day ended on a high note with no tequila shots, but with a lot of smiles and laughter and one big kick ass adventure:D

I held a Baby

I held a baby the other day at my friend's birthday party and I made sense...
There is something magical about babies, their tiny hands ad feet, their perfect little fingers, how they hold on tight to our fingers even though they are so small.
I can never stop being amazed at babies capability of making people feel. No matter how cold hearted you are when you hold a baby it melts, you melt and it is the strangest feeling.
I didn't want to go to that party, I was tired and I had had a hard day, plus for some reason going to that party made me feel overwhelmed. I don't really enjoy being places where I don't know everybody, or in social gatherings where I have to pretend I like people with whom I really have no connection with, but there are times in life where you have to suck it up so others may have a happy day. So I sucked it up:D
When I got there I got to hold my friend's baby girl. She is beautiful, looks like a catalog baby and she loved me. She cried a little at first because she wanted me to walk around(just because they can't speak does not mean they cannot communicate:P)
I walked around and cradled her in my arms and watched her slowly falling asleep in my arms, I sang to her and whispered poems to her and nursery rhymes. I felt so peaceful and like I could do that forever.
Now that is a new feeling. There was a time in my life when I wanted children, loads of children around me yelling my name, asking me to tell stories and kiss boo boos, but as it came it was gone.
I started working and I guess work filled in that place where those feelings were.
I guess it had to do with fear, I saw all my friends having babies and I saw what it did to some of them and I started wondering if that's what I wanted for my life.
I also secretly wondered if I was ever going to be a good mom. Human beings are bound to make mistakes and hurt those they love and I wasn't ready to make mistakes.
I saw too many of those growing up and I came to the conclusion there are three types of women: women who were born to be a mother, women who were born to have a career not children, and women who were born to be single mom's(I know the latter will bring out a lot of contradicting opinions, but I firmly believe some women would just do a better job at parenting ALONE.
I came to believe I fitted the 2 option best of all, I believed in career, and you can't be good at both like some women say that they can have their career and be a good mother, that's lie...you can't serve two masters, there are sacrifices you have to make and things you will need to give up if you want to be a good mother. I guess I was being selfish because I chose, I chose being good at what I do whatever that was, but no matter how high I get off of work I never got that feeling I got when I held my friend's baby...like everything made sense and how by holding that tiny life in my hands, the world was a better place. Because it is a tiny life who will need love and guidance and discipline. A little person who will grow up to be a lot like me while being different. Who will go to school and come home to ME. With lovely stories, and sometimes tears and frustration, a little person who will come to me for assurance, refuge, security. Who will love ME, because I WILL be their mother.
I will be someone's mother and that is the scariest thought I have ever had in my life, because there is no way to know if I will be good at it. I have no idea if just by having THAT feeling I will be a good mother. Will I disappoint my children like I sometimes was disappointed with my parents???? Will I be able to assure them so they can build their own little identities without overwhelming them with my ideas and rules???? Will I be able to protect them from pain as long as I possibly can???? How does one know one is ready to be a mother????
How will I know I am ready????
I am an over analyzer I always was, and I don't like not having all the answers and I know there is a God in this big picture of mine who will always be there watching over my babies when I can't, but I will be someone's mother and I want to be good at it. The thing with being a mother is there are no books where you can study from, no recurrent facts to support any particular parenting skill, there are no standard ways to how to be a good mother, so I can analyze all I want, question all I want I will be stuck in an adventure and after they are out here those little adventures cannot be returned to sender. I can focus on my work all I want it will never give me that feeling, it will never bring out in me the amount of love I have to give a child, my child.
All I knew while I held that tiny baby in my arms is that I want that, I want to know there is someone out there I love unconditionally who unconditionally loves me back because I am their mother and my friends you only have ONE mother, there is no substitute for being SOMEONE'S mother, believe me, that is something I know only to well...
I will be someone's mother one day:)

Lately

Lately inspiration has left me,
Lately life has been crazy and overwhelming,
Lately people I love have come and have left.
Lately work has been interesting and I have learned so much,
Lately I have met really interesting people and made very good new friends,
Lately I have laughed and cried more often that I'd like,
Lately I have heard some really good singers perform,
Lately I have thought more and more about the past and how I cannot make any sense out of it,
Lately I have realized I changed so much in only one year,
Lately I have understood the meaning of family, support, commitment, etc,
Lately I have stopped and listened instead of yelling,
Lately I have cared less about what other people think,
Lately I have been selfish,
Lately I have made amendments in past relationships that need mending before they can be perfect,
Lately I have whispered to God my little secrets,
Lately I ave taken the time to breathe,
Lately I have redecorated my soul:D
Lately, just lately have I been me, in a very long time, and how good is that:)

Love me

Brown Thrush singing all day long
In the leaves above me,
Take my love this little song,
"Love me, love me, love me!"

When he harkens what you say,
Bid him, lest he miss me,
Leave his work or leave his play,
And kiss me, kiss me, kiss me!

Sara Teasdale

Moments

I don´t usually like writing about family.
For all these years I haven´t really have been given any thought about it.
My family after my mom passed away sort of got scattered around 3 different continents and I just had to deal with that fact and suck it up.
I guess I could say I chose my family the second time around, God is kind that way, he allowed me to hand pick the family I wish I could have and actually get to enjoy being part of it.
I felt secure and loved by the Fernandes family like I had never had felt in my own family. Again, I never even thought too much about it.
Today my "sister" turned 19 and as I was sitting there with the whole family, being part of their lives, their laughs, their happiness and joy I felt truly blessed.
All I wanted to do was hug them and never let go.
I had built this cover that I needed no family to be happy, I had good friends and that should be enough, because people have a way of failing you somehow, but as I was there I could only think about the many times I had failed them this past 5 years and not once they gave up on me.
Most people could and would have done it, but they never did.
My sister has heard me cry and laugh many times and not once she turned me down or didn´t have a kind word to say to me, even if she had to tell me how wrong I was before.
My younger sister brightens my day, she makes me laugh all the time and is really good at keeping secrets. She in some ways reminds me of myself.
My "mom" is the one I run to for advice and for assurance of who I am in God when I have lost sight of it in the mist of my overwhelming feelings. She believes in me, when I don´t.
And my "dad", oh I love my dad. We don´t get to sit and talk as much as I would love to, but I don´t think we really need that. He looks at me and that look speaks more than a thousand conversations. He keeps me on track, and I am not quite sure he is even aware of it.
I can assure that I have been on the right path because of him these years.
Respect is the foundation, so words are really not necessary.
They are not the only ones though, the Catarino and the Fernandes family are a big, big family and I love them all dearly, they all have influenced me and impacted my life in such a way, it is hard to describe in words.
I wish I could only express it in a way that people could understand.
The best thing I can say is that if God would let you chose the family you were born into, I would choose them, without a doubt
I am the adopted daughter, sister, grandaughter, cousin, niece and I adore it.
A I was looking at my sister today on her birthday, seeing her smile and laugh I felt so lucky and so blessed to be able to part of that.
I was part of something bigger than myself, part of a family, part of love.
My dear sisters are both leaving this year, one to college, the other for an exchange year in the States. We grew up together and it feels weird that I won´t have them around.
For a little bit I freaked out, I felt like I was "losing" something.
But you can´t lose family, family is forever, family never ever lets go, family sticks together, supports each other, family, family, family. That word just feels good.

God is kind that way...I see God every single time look at my "family" and isn´t that just awesome?